That Time of the Month

That Time of the Month

Arthur Weasley, fascinated as he was by Muggles, was nonetheless mystified by many facets of their culture. Why, for instance, were there well over twenty brands of ketchup when ketchup itself only had two uses - being put in things or being put on things? It was extraordinary, really, he mused, the way these people lived. How could they focus on anything important at all, when there were so many condiments to choose from? He sighed, and looked down once more at the list that he had tucked into the cart. Ketchup, of all the ridiculous... But Mad Eye would insist upon eating the stuff on his scrambled eggs at breakfast, so into the cart the most likely bottle went.

Necessity, rather than choice, had led him to this Muggle shop in the heart of London. Volde- well, He-who-must-not-be-named - his recent defeat at the Ministry of Magic had prompted him to even greater rage. The Order, agreeing that Grimmauld Place must be kept secret, had decided that all possible errands must be done well outside of the wizarding world, where his spies were not as numerous. So here he was, Arthur Weasley, personal shopper for a madhouse, alone in a garish supermarket.

He paused in front of the bottles of milk - an easier choice at least. Although... Despite the fact that the enchanted scrap of parchment took down the verbal orders the household, some members of the household were simply vague in their orders. Milk - what kind? One percent? Two? Whole? Skim? Arthur decided to err on the side of caution and picked up one bottle of each, and the spell caused milk to vanish from the list.

There were two items left on the list. Arthur could feel his heart soar at the prospect of getting out of this infernal place - but then the sight of the next item on the list caused it to drop well below its normal spot. Tampons! Good God, how could they do such a thing to him? It didn't really matter which of the women in the house was responsible for the order, whether it was his dear Molly, his only daughter Ginny, Hermione Granger, or that Tonks girl. In that one single word - tampons - the whole female population of Grimmauld Place, London, and the world in general had ganged up on him in an effort to cause him acute embarrassment and profound redness of the face. He slunk up the aisle in question, which boasted not only tampons but also an incredible array of equally embarrassing items such as panty liners, feminine sprays, and condoms. Hardly looking at the selection, he grabbed one pink box at random and stuffed it down near the bottom of the cart where no one would be able to see the shameful product that he, Arthur Weasley, was being forced to purchase.

Well out of that aisle now, he finally took a look at the only remaining item on the enchanted list. Chocolate. How strange - poking around in the cart, Arthur saw that he had indeed gotten a bar of milk chocolate already. Shouldn't it have vanished from the list? Perhaps it was malfunctioning. He would check on the spell once he was away from any Muggles, he assured himself, and headed towards the checkout stand and freedom.

Back at Grimmauld Place, the various members of the Order - and the young adults who believed that they should be members of the Order - gathered in the kitchen where Arthur was doling out the groceries. Ron and Ginny were making much of the different Muggle brands, while Harry and Hermione, more at home with all things Muggle, were content to merely critique his choice of purchases.

"Oh, that kind of ketchup is quite horrible," Hermione said, elbowing Harry in the ribs. "My cousin had some on his breakfast eggs once and was sick for half a week!" Mad-Eye Moody glowered at Arthur, who merely sighed.

He brought the box of tampons out of the bag even while thinking that he should probably just leave it and allow the guilty party to fish it out themselves. But the deed was done, and Ginny pounced upon the box while blushing furiously, her face and her hair the same shade of scarlet. Ahhh, thought Arthur. Everyone else pretended not to notice.

Finally, he pulled out the bar of chocolate. As he had expected, Ginny said "Mine!" and reached for it. Women craved these sorts of things when they were... Well, at that time of the month, as Arthur understood it. But from the opposite side of the table, another hand was reaching out and another voice was saying "Mine!" Arthur looked up at the face of Remus Lupin and realized suddenly, horribly, that he had made a mistake. The list had said chocolate twice not because of a fault in the spell, but because two people had asked for chocolate!

"Ah," he said, pulling back his hand, "There seems to be some confusion. You both wanted chocolate?"

Remus nodded. "Full moon on Friday," he said by way of explanation. Ginny merely tapped the top of her box of tampons.

Arthur Weasley sighed resignedly as he broke the bar in half and gave one piece to the werewolf and the other to his only daughter. "I will go to the store," he said quietly, "and buy more chocolate."

Farewell, reader. The fic hath finished.