Philomena

***Moony***

Remus tested the door once last time. It would hold. He stared at the window and watched as the sun slowly stained the sky horribly red. He removed his wand from his pocket, setting it carefully on the windowsill where nothing could happen to it.

Suddenly, he heard the door upstairs fly open and someone dash down the stairs. Panicking, Remus backed up and crouched as far from the door as possible. If she came in, there was no telling what would happen. The footsteps flew to the door the bolt flew.

He looked at the sky, terrified. The moon was nearly there. If she came in now, then - but it was Snape. No, thought Remus desperately, not him, not now, not again.

"No, Snape," he choked out, "you're too late. Get out. Please. Move."

"Came as fast as I could, Lupin," said Snape, forcing a bottle into Remus' hand. "Drink it quickly while you still have a chance."

Remus grabbed it and gulped the Potion down. He dropped the empty bottle and staggered backwards, feeling the Potion flood his senses. The moon came out, bathing the room in light. Remus shuddered as he felt the lunar pull, and the Wolf within began clawing to be released.

The Change had begun. Pain invaded his senses. He felt the Wolf rear up within and slash herself free. He twisted as the Man crumpled, imploding as the Wolf took over. He fell to the floor and landed on four feet.

Moony blinked in the usual disorientation that immediately followed the Change. She felt the Potion course through her, calming her, reminding her that somewhere inside was a Man, a Man named Remus John Lupin.

She saw a man standing frozen in the doorway. Moony felt the Potion wavering, as Remus flickered in and out of her consciousness. The fierce protectiveness within her screamed out that this man was there, and could hurt her Cub, and her bloodthirsty side added the urge to maul.

"Don't hurt him," Remus screamed into her mind. "Stop!"

Whether the man could possibly hear Remus inside her head, or whether he had suddenly realized just what she was, Moony wasn't sure. He bolted from the room and fled up the stairs. Moony caught sight of someone in the doorway waiting for him - her Cub!

The door slammed. Remus' thoughts invaded her head once more. "Stop, go back, calm down, it's just the moon..."

She pushed him angrily away, despite his protests, letting a loud howl escape her throat. She had to get through that door. The man was there... he could hurt her Cub.

Remus came back into her mind, taking command of her body. Preventing her from running towards the stairs, he forced her back into the room and curled up beneath the window, bathed in the light of the moon.

"Calm," thought Remus, staring at the moon through Moony's eyes. "I've got to remain calm or she'll take over again."

The moon calmed Moony down, slightly. The scent of her Cub was too far off to distract her.

"You are Remus J Lupin," he thought firmly. "You are a Human, not a Wolf. Wait, and it will be over. Just the night... a few hours..."

Her mind forced itself back to the forefront. She growled, snapping at the air. "Wrong," she thought. "Wolf. Wolf I am, and Wolf I remain. When the moon leaves, the Human will come back, he will take over, force me out... must not let him. Must get to my Cub, before he does."

Desperately, Remus' mind scrabbled for control, but Moony pushed him back and ran up to the door. She scratched at it, trying to find a way through. The smell of her Cub, her Young One, was strong.

Moony let out a howl of despair. Remus fought his way back.

"Down, girl, down. Get away from the stairs or you'll hurt her. You'll hurt Snape. You'll hurt yourself."

She repelled his mind angrily. He had no right to be here, until the moon was gone. Then he could come, and think his stupid Manthought as much as he pleased. Now, was her time, and she would get to her Young One.

She threw herself bodily at the door. She was strong and impervious to the pain. Again and again she threw herself at the door. Faintly in the back of her mind she could hear Remus panic, begging her to go back down and stop hurting herself. Good, let him panic. He lost her Young One so many moons ago, and she would get her back.

The Wolf careened against door using all the strength she possessed. It repelled her, with more force than it ought to have. Power, she knew, must have caused it. He was the one with Power; it was his fault she could not get through the door. She ran at it again, heedless of the pain, refusing to believe that it was futile.

The door threw her backwards again, slamming her into the wall. Remus clawed his way back into her mind.

"Stop..."

She let him think no further, flinging him out of her head, back where he belonged. She wanted to hurt him as much as possible. How dare he prevent her from getting to her Young One? How dare he put his Power on the door? How dare he try to lock her in? How dare he try to control her?

She slammed herself at the door and again she was flung backwards. This time the Power didn't throw her as far, just into the desk. Perhaps... perhaps it was weakening. Good. She threw herself at it once more, gathering all her might, only to find herself repelled with a bang.

Kill him, she thought. Must kill him. Growling, she spun about, looking for Remus. He was in the room with her, she knew. She saw him nowhere, but somehow she knew he was there. Knew he was near.

She howled in confusion and pain. She wanted to kill him, but she couldn't find him. Remus pulled himself into control, urging to the window where she could see the moon and be calmed.

Her mind repelled his and then she realized he was inside. She had to hurt herself to hurt him. A rage filled her such as she had never known. Wildly, she bit, scratched, and clawed at herself, frantically trying to get rid of him.

He remained in the back of her mind, trying to calm her, telling her to stop. This only enraged her further, fearing she would never be free of him. Letting out a fierce howl, she flung herself headfirst at the door, putting all the remaining strength into the blow. The Power repelled her fast and hard, slamming her against the far wall. She fell to the floor. Vaguely she felt Remus' presence swell, before she passed out, and remembered no more.

XXX

Severus grimaced as he heard the Wolf fling herself at the door for the umpteenth time. "Your father is going to have a hell of a headache when he wakes up," he said.

Philomena shuddered. "Is it us? Does he want to get at us, or just out?"

"I don't know," Snape answered grimly, "and I sincerely hope we don't find out."

She gave a sidelong glance at the door. "Can we... can we go somewhere else?" she asked. "I ... don't like it."

"I can't very well leave," he said. "If he gets loose... you can go upstairs if you like."

She shook her head. "I don't want to be alone."

He sighed, and got up. "Come," he said. "We'll go outside."

"But it's cold!"

He smiled mysteriously and held out a hand to her. She hesitated, seeing a blue flame dancing on his palm. His eyes saddened almost imperceptibly when she did not take his hand so she quickly grabbed it, shuddering only slightly when the Vision hit, hoping he would put it down to her nervousness.

He did not seem to notice her sudden frown or her disquiet as he led her outside. A short way from the cottage he got out his wand and made a zigzaging swish with it. "Circum thermoi convoco."

A green mist flew from his wand, swirling around them, forming a large bubble of warmth. He took off his cloak, and spread it on the ground. "If you please, Ms. Lupin," he said, "be seated." He bowed slightly.

She giggled and dropped down. "Thanks," she said, "this is much better."

"Sadly," he said, "once you cast it, the bubble doesn't move with you so it's useless while traveling."

She looked back at the cottage and sighed. "Will he be all right?"

He squatted next to her. "I doubt it," he answered honestly. "But I'm sure he'll be ... helpable."

"It's snowing," she said.

He looked up and saw that it was. Thankfully, it wasn't sticking to the ground yet. He watched the snowflakes hit his bubble and melt down the sides for a moment. "It's far too cold for this time of year," he said thoughtfully. "It's only the beginning of October. Hopefully it'll warm for a while before winter really hits."

She smiled sadly, and watched the snow swirl. "It's not a lot," she said. "Just flurries."

He sighed. "Last time it was this cold in October ... it was the luckiest year of my life."

"And now?" she asked.

He shook his head. "I'll be lucky if I live until Christmas."

"Why?" she asked startled. The vision...

He cut her off with a swift motion of his hand. She quieted and went back to watching the snow. For a moment, neither spoke.

At last he said, "I want to tell you a story."

She looked back at him, confused. "A ... story?" she asked.

"Yes. I ... I was out in Muggle London, once, hiding from... never mind that part. What's important is that I went to a library to pass the time until it was safe to leave. While I was there I found a book. I don't... I don't remember what it was called. But there was a story in it I would like to tell you."

She waited. A howl came from the house and Snape took a deep shuddering breath, and began his story.

"It began in Baghdad, in a garden belonging to the Caliph. The Caliph's favorite page was wandering about the garden, when all of a sudden, he spotted Death. Death frowned at the boy, and he was filled with dread. He ran back to the palace, and begged the Caliph to be allowed to leave the city. When the Caliph learned that Death had been in the garden, and had threatened his favorite, he agreed to let the page borrow his swiftest horse, and ride off to Samarra.

"The Caliph saw his favorite off, and then went out in the garden. Death was still there, and the Caliph said to him, angrily, 'How dare you threaten my favorite?'

"Death answered, 'Threaten? I? Not at all. I frowned in surprise to see him here, for I have an appointment with him in tonight Samarra...'"

Snape trailed off, and smiled sadly to himself.

"I think I understand," Philomena said. "It... it means you can't run away from death."

Severus shook his head. "No," he said, "you can't run. Not from death, not from fate, not from your destiny."

She grimaced. "I don't believe in fate."

"Odd opinion for a Seer," he commented.

She smiled. "Not really. You see ... I've Seen so many things that didn't come to pass. They were Visions of what could have happened. There are so many ways things could happen, so many possibilities... I don't think we have a set path."

"No," he replied, "we don't. But there is a probable path."

She shrugged helplessly and decided not to tell him about the Vision she'd received when he'd taken her hand. She had Seen him falling in a flood of green light. Avada Kedavra. Heard a cry of dismay, heard someone call, "Never mind Snape, Harry! Move!" She shuddered again, resolved to tell her father about it, if he was well enough.

"I'm afraid I might have scared you," he said at last. "I shouldn't have talked like that. It's..."

She nodded. "I know," she said. "It hasn't been a good night for you."

"Hasn't been a good day for any of us," he scoffed.

She shook her head. Another howl filled the air. Philomena shuddered. "Poor father..."

"Your quite fond of him, aren't you?" he asked.

She nodded.

"He'll be all right," he assured.

She laughed shakily. "I didn't think you'd be the type to lie."

He shrugged. "He's a Werewolf. They're remarkably resilient. He'll be a mess in the morning but it won't take more than a day or two to get him back on his feet."

"I hate Ralf," she said bitterly.

Abruptly he drew his wand. "Finite Incantatem."

She blinked at him and raised an eyebrow.

"It was worth a try anyway," he said sheathing his wand with a shrug, "not all difficult problems have a difficult solution."

She grimaced. "If it had been that simple, I'd have got myself out of this years ago."

"Do you have a wand?" he asked suddenly.

She shook her head.

"We will have to get you one," he said.

Philomena smiled. "I never needed one," she said.

Snape started. "You've done magic without one?" he asked sharply.

She stretched out a hand. "Engorgio." The bubble Snape had created began to expand. Snape fell backwards when the support left his back and lay on the ground in amazement, watching as it grew rapidly.

"Finite Incantatem." She stopped just short of engulfing the house.

"Merlin," he breathed, "such control without a wand... no one since Grindenwald..."

"I'll take that as a compliment," she said, lowering her hand.

"Ms. Lupin," he said seriously, "that is not an ordinary ability. I think it best if you hide it from all but your most trusted friends."

"You're the only one who knows," she said.

He sat up and stared at her. "Not even your father?"

She looked uncomfortable. "It ... hasn't come up," she hedged.

He raised an eyebrow. "I suppose I can keep my mouth shut," he said.

Philomena shrugged. "You see," she said, "Ralf never would let me have a wand. He had no problem with my learning theory, but... suffice it to say that I learned on my own."

"Frankly, I'm amazed," said Snape.

"I was just so used to hiding it," she finished, "that I didn't use it. I haven't used it in front of anybody. Ever."

He inclined his head, bowing slightly. "I'm honored."

Philomena yawned, lying back on the cloak.

"It's almost dawn," said Severus. "He'll turn back in an hour or so."

Deciding to show off, she conjured up two pillows, and tossed him one. Snape caught it and made himself comfortable. He watched silently as she fell asleep. He grimaced and stared at the house. There hadn't been a sound for a while.

He watched her for a moment. She looked so young, so helpless, and yet she was so powerful... He would have to develop that potion. It was best to keep those with power on your side, after all.

***Aftermath and Dreams***

Severus sighed, watching the sunrise. It was a good thing it was a Saturday, he mused idly, or rather, Sunday morning. He could afford sleeping in to make up for his sleepless night. As sunrises went, it wasn't bad. Severus sighed again and realized that it was probably a good idea to get the girl back into the house where she could sleep more comfortably.

He picked her up carefully, trying not to jar her too much. She nearly awoke but subsided after a second. Snape got carefully to his feet, settling her in his arms. He trudged up to the house and, with careful maneuvering, managed to get the door opened without dropping her.

Severus kicked the door shut behind him, wincing at the noise. He walked tiredly through the kitchen into the living room and up the stairs, finally reaching her room. He set her on the bed and tucked her in.

"I thought I was done with this sort of thing," he mused. "Never would have guessed I'd end up tucking in eighteen year old girls at three in the morning."

Satisfied that she was comfortable, Severus went back down the stairs to settle himself in the kitchen. Cleaning up was in order. After all, they had left innumerable wrappers lying on every conceivable surface.

Pulling out his Wand, Severus Banished them all. After that there wasn't much to do. He straightened the furniture some and cleaned some teacups left from earlier. He scolded himself for delaying the inevitable but he really didn't want to open the door to the cellar even though he was sure Lupin had Changed back by this time.

He set his jaw and drew his wand. First, he took down the Wards he'd placed on the door then wrenched it open.

It was not a pretty sight. Remus lay sprawled in the middle of the floor, a bloody mess. Snape walked slowly down the stairs staring at the man. There were gashes on his shoulders and chest, but the main injuries were to his head.

Sucking in a breath, Snape gave his wand a wave. "Mobilicorpus."

Remus' body was levitated a few feet off the ground, and began the eerie float up the stairs. Snape transported him to the couch in the living room and set him down. Remus didn't make a sound or move in protest. He was completely unconscious.

Severus went to work. First, a few standard Spells to stop bleeding and disinfect wounds. Remus' head lolled back on the cushions, and Snape thought for a moment that he looked like an overly large, bloody rag doll.

"Accio Murtlap!"

Severus grimaced, and set about daubing the essence over Lupin's cuts. It fizzed and smoked before settling in, and closing the wounds. Satisfied that Lupin wasn't going to die of loss of blood or infection, Severus cast a quick Reparo on the robes the man was wearing and set off for home.

He decided that Apparating after not sleeping for over twenty hours was not a good idea and decided that Lupin wouldn't miss a handful of Floo powder. "Hogwarts, Fireplace Six," he called, and with a roar of green flames he was gone.

He fell from the fireplace in his rooms. Ignoring the indignant cries of the portrait over the mantle, he dragged himself into bed and finally gave in to sleep. His last conscious thought was, "Thank Merlin it's Sunday."

XXX

Remus awoke feeling as though he'd been hit by the Knight Bus. He groaned and wondered just what Moony had been up to this time.

He tried sitting up and realized quickly that moving was not a good idea. He fell back barely registering the fact that he was not on the lab floor. His head throbbed, his body was sore, and an overall stinging sensation was overwhelming.

"Murtlap," he thought blearily. "Poppy's tried to drown me in it."

He passed out once more, quickly overtaken by a dream...

He was falling and had been forever. Somehow he knew he would never hit the ground, but he scrabbled for something to hold onto nevertheless.

"Moony!" called James, from the side of the pit. "Come back! Help me!"

Remus kept on falling. He couldn't help. Couldn't move. Couldn't do anything except fall.

"Moony!" called Peter, further down. "Help me!"

Remus kept on falling, helpless. Guilt invaded his senses, along with grief over the loss of his friends.

Sirius' face swam into view below him, looking oddly as though it was under water.

"Come, Moony," he said. "We'll go on..."

Remus splashed into the water but lost no momentum as he continued to fall. Struggling madly, he tried to get back to the surface to breathe, but Sirius took his hand, pulling him further down into the inky blackness.

"Let me up, Pads, I can't breathe..."

Sirius just laughed at him, and grabbed Remus' hands. "Damned, Moony," laughed Sirius, tugging down, deeper and deeper. "You're damned, damned, damned. Your fault, your fault, your fault. Killed James. Killed Lilly. Killed me. Destroyed Peter. Your fault, Moony. Your fault. Damned!"

Remus struggled against Sirius, who merely laughed, laughed in spite of the fact that they were underwater and speaking was impossible. "Damned, damned, damned," laughed Sirius, with an insane grin. "For ever and ever, and ever..."

Suddenly, Ralf appeared in the water. Not Ralf himself, but Grizz, his Wolf. Sirius panicked at the site of the Wolf and swam off, releasing Remus. Remus, free of his captor, tried to struggle towards the surface, towards air, but Grizz bit him savagely.

Remus Changed.

Moony laughed happily, glad to see her Alpha. Ralf swam off into the darkness, and Moony gladly followed. Down, down they went, deeper and deeper into the hellish waters.

"Damned," came Sirius' insane cackle from behind, "damned, damned, Moony. For ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever..."

Ralf was gone suddenly, and Moony was left alone disoriented. There was no up, and no down. No left, and no right. No backwards, no forwards, no inside, no outside. Terrified, she thrashed in the water, struggling to find the normal world, where up was up, and down was down. Where left was left, and right was right. Where forwards, backwards, inside and outside existed.

A wave rolled forwards and became Philomena, running towards her. The water rolled and became a sea of grass, rippling in the wind. Moony Changed, and was Remus once again. He ran towards his child, his salvation.

They were running toward each other, but surreally they found themselves further and further apart. The faster Remus ran, the slower he became. A hand grabbed his shoulder, and began to shake him. He turned, and saw Snape.

"Damned Beast, you are," said Snape "You don't deserve happiness. Ever. Damned, damned, damned. Killer. Savage. Animal."

Philomena was gone, beyond the horizon. Remus pulled against Snape's death grip. "Let me go," he begged. "I want..."

"We can't have what we want, Remus," said Snape, morphing into Dumbledore. "The world is not rational. There are no rules, and no natural order. If we want justice, government, peace, or civilization, we must create them ourselves. They do not grow naturally. Men are beasts until they are educated. Until they learn to love."

"Let me go," pleaded Remus, pulling against Dumbledore. "Philomena..."

"Mine," snarled Dumbledore as he melted into Ralf. "She is mine, do you hear that? I educated her, nurtured her. I brought her up. She dances to my tunes. She will never be what you want her to be. She will never love you. She is mine. Mine."

Ralf became Remus' mother and pulled him upwards. She sprouted wings and Remus found himself floating into the clouds.

"Remus, my baby," she crooned, "my love, my heart."

Delirious with happiness, Remus allowed himself to be drawn higher and higher. "Beast," she suddenly snarled. "No child of mine. Werewolf. Monster. Killer."

She let go of him and Remus dropped like a stone. His fall slowed to an impossible pace, as he fell through the clouds to the earth below.

Voices assaulted him from all sides. "Damned." "Monster." "Traitor." "Beast."

Hands came from nowhere, grabbing at him, squabbling over him. "My Dam." "My friend." "My Cub." "My informant." "My teacher." "My mate." "My child." "Mine to try, to prosecute, and to condemn. Mine to punish."

Hands grabbed at his shoulders, and shook him.

"Up," commanded a voice.

"No," protested Remus, "down... going down... falling."

"Up," said the voice again. "Wake UP."

Remus blinked and found himself staring into his daughter's eyes.

"You're having a nightmare," she said.

Remus tried to sit up. Her hands on his shoulders pushed him back down.

"No," she insisted. "You need to rest. You've had a bad night."

Coming to himself, he shook off the remnants of his nightmare and brushed an arm over his forehead to wipe off the cold sweat that had broken out.

"I'm alive," he told himself firmly. "I'm at home. There is no James, no Sirius, no Lily, no Mum, no Peter..."

She let go of him. "You were screaming," she said. "About falling. Are you... are you all right?"

"Are you all right?" he asked. His voice was raspy, and he thought dazedly that he must have been screaming very loudly indeed.

"Never better," she said dryly.

Again he tried to sit up, only to be given the sternest glare he'd seen on the face of one other than Poppy or Snape.

"Did you bring me upstairs?" he asked.

"No," she said. "You were here when I woke up. Snape must have done it."

He groaned. "All I ever wanted. Snape to see me after a Change."

"Do you... remember anything?" she asked delicately.

Remus thought back. Falling, screaming... pain... panic, rage, pain.

"Nothing concrete," he said at last. "Why? What happened?"

"The Potion didn't work," she said simply. "You spent the night throwing yourself against the basement door.

He put a hand to his head. Merlin, he thought, it did have a reason to throb so. It was covered in bruises and from the feel of it they'd been expertly tended to, pulsing with healing Magic. "Who...?"

"Snape," she said again, "before I woke up. The Murtlap was still on the table. I purified what was left of it and put it away. I've also cleaned up the lab'."

"What time is it?"

"Nearly one," she said. "I wouldn't have woken you up, but you started to scream..."

"Thank you," he said quietly.

She grimaced at the sound of his raspy voice. "I'll bring you some tea," she said, "with honey. Stay put."

As soon as she left the room Remus tried to sit up and realized immediately that she did have a point. He was terribly dizzy. Bringing a hand up, he felt his bruises again.

"Concussion," he thought to himself, "must have hit it pretty hard."

He slumped back against the cushions. Soft noises from the kitchen came through the door, as he listened to her puttering about. "Not Ralf's," he thought desperately. "Can't be."

Sleep assaulted his eyelids and his consciousness. It would be so easy to let go, to slip back into the darkness, the void, the constant falling. He struggled to keep his eyes open, to stay alert, conscious, awake.

"Murderer." "Killer." "Monster."

Remus fought against the darkness, gripping the edge of the couch. "Stop..." he pleaded in a fierce whisper, "stop..."

The darkness engulfed him, and he was falling once more.

"Coward," came Lily's voice. "Too afraid of losing him to turn him in, were you? Coward. Killer. How could you?"

"Unfit to live. Unfit to be around decent human beings. Unfit to teach. Unfit to fight. Unfit for - "

"Tea."

Unfit for... tea? "Why?"

"For your throat."

Philomena swam into his vision. "You had better keep awake," she said, "if sleeping causes you dreams like that. You'll hurt yourself."

He blinked.

She drew a shuddering breath. "You were clawing at your eyes."

Philomena set a tray down on the side table, and poured out a cup. He watched as she dribbled the honey into it. The honey oozed, swirling into the tea, before settling at the bottom. She stirred it, and held it out to him. Her hands were shaking slightly.

He pushed himself into a semi upright position against the cushions and took it. "I... what happened?" he asked again.

She sighed. "The potion didn't work. Snape locked you into the basement. You kept... throwing yourself at the door, so he Warded it just in case. He stayed with me, because I was scared."

Remus sipped his tea. "I'm sorry, " he began, "but..."

"It's all right," she said standing. "Wasn't your fault."

He shook his head as small pieces of memory came back to him of the night. "Shouldn't have let him," he said. "I knew it was too late..."

"Drink up," she said firmly. "There was a chance, however slim, that it might have worked. He took it. And when it didn't work, he dealt with the fallout, and minimized the damage. It's over. Nobody has suffered any lasting damage. No reason to say sorry, or regret anything."

Remus shut his eyes.

"Drink the lot," she said. "I'll see if I can find some Dreamless Sleep somewhere."

"It's in the bathroom," Remus told her hoarsely, watching her leave.

"Merlin," he thought to himself. "She IS like my mother."