Circles

Circles
Zakuyoe

Her soaked combs of hair clung onto her skin, her skin turning pale.

"He's g-g-gone!" she stammered, tears long past her eyes. "Disapparated!"

She threw herself into a chair and curled up into it. He was gone. Gone. After all their resolutions to follow Harry, after everything they'd done up till now....

She had begun to sob. Ron was gone. He could not come back--their enchantments would not allow it. They had already accomplished so much together, had already been through so much... and yet here he was, willing to let it go....

Was she incapable of understanding him?--perhaps. She had no siblings of her own, nor did Harry. To her, he was the only person she could call her brother, the only person she could trust as she did herself.... If someone needed to know something, she knew it'd need to be him. She knew he needed him as his sister, to advise him on his decisions, to guide him what to do without his instincts interfering.

Yet Harry was in just as much danger as Ginny was--Ron knew that, didn't he? The three were risking their lives getting those Horcruxes! Hadn't he realized that at the Ministry of Magic, hadn't he at all?--no, he had been fixing Yaxley's office, obviously not in too much peril, disguising himself as another person, risking the chance of being caught....

Hermione tried to see reason in Ron's abandonment, but red anger only appeared inside the folds of her closed eyelids. He had a family to worry about, didn't he?--whereas hers family members were confounded, living somewhere in Australia--whereas Harry's no longer existed.

Ron had a reason to leave.... Yet even with this resolve her mind went into frenzy. The majority of his family was capable of taking care of themselves--Ginny was under the protection of the Hogwarts teachers! Would Ron go back to Hogwarts, where his pureblood status would protect him?--would he take care of Ginny, then?

But then, another thought struck Hermione's mind: Did that mean he didn't care about them anymore?--did he think she and Harry didn't need him? No, that couldn't be it... she knew he knew his importance--would they have the locket without him?

But he had abandoned them. Hermione felt selfish inside, how her mind wanted to reason against his decision. Her mind seemed to be going in circles, the logic she normally possessed not kicking in as it always did. He had abandoned them... he had abandoned them....

What did Ron think of them?--Hermione wanted to know. To her, Ron was an important part of their team. It had always been that way, ever since they had been together that first year.... He had insulted her, perhaps, but where would they be if they hadn't had him and his knowledge of chess, that day they chased Quirrell?--where would they be if... if... no. She knew he was important... her brain freezing couldn't mean anything, he was important to them.

Were they important to him, though?

She stopped crying momentarily, clutching onto the blankets covering her--when had that gotten there? But she ignored this minor detail, and her sobs recommenced.

Were they important to him?--Harry was his best mate, and he'd still bailed on him. Did she mean anything to him? He had insulted her way back when, back in the days where everything seemed to be so much brighter.... But was she anything in his mind?--just a companion, maybe?--being around her only because she was with Harry....

She didn't want to face the truth--if it was the truth. Her mind seemed to be accepting it... his family over them, though they were in much more danger than them... right? Would he knew what they did next?--would he care if it were their last act--what if she were killed? She didn't want to think about it--she squirmed on the chair--but if it did happen... would he feel any remorse in leaving them, at all?

She had soaked the chair, but she didn't seem to care. Harry was probably long asleep by now.... But what if he had died? She'd be the only one... would Ron join her then?--would he join her in remorse for Harry, or because he didn't want her to fall victim to that fate, as well...?

Her mind thought in circles once more, trying to figure a countering argument... but hardly anything came. She always had a what-if option, something to counter their assumed truth in case they were wrong... but why couldn't she think of one now? Was she already fearing the worst?--was she too scared to convince herself of the worst in case the worst had proven to be the truth...?

She let out a whimper. No, she thought to herself, Ron knows what he's doing.... He cares for his family; he doesn't want them hurt.... Did he not care if they were hurt, then?

Ron cares for us... he just cares for his family more.... Did he care for them, or just Harry?

He knows he's important to us... he's been crucial to everything we've been doing.... Had he, though?--in their third year, he had been the one injured--he had been the one to stay behind as they used the Time-Turner.... She seemed to be saving Harry, having all the great ideas.... She had been with Harry to get the locket, not him....

And then, at last, maybe, her mind seemed to recognize one, solid truth.

He wasn't coming back.

It was the only thing amongst her thoughts that she knew as true. She could only conjecture his motives; she could only convince herself of other truths.... But regardless what she ended up believing, he was still gone. After seven years... no longer with them....

Her mind was surely going in circles--she had already told herself that, before.

But her mind was searching for an answer, for a reason--she would not rest, otherwise. She was still crying; she knew it'd be a pain she'd find hard to ignore, hard to forget.

Would she ever see Ron again?--if she did, would she ever be able to look at him?--for walking out on the two, for handing them to danger, would he care, would she be able to forgive him?

She sank into her seat. She wanted him back; she wanted him next to her now. He had been a solace to her, someone she could be comforted by.... But she knew better.

It'd take a while to convince her why, but she knew one thing:

Ron wasn't coming back.
And no matter how much of her wanted him there, no matter how long she tried searching for an answer--he wasn't going to.

- fin -