Black Roses

Chapter Two: Still Not Getting Any

The initial three weeks of Hogwarts had passed a tad too quickly for my taste because I'd loads of assignments to do and no time to complete several of them due to my nightly required nine hours and forty-eight minutes of sleep, daily two hours of relaxation time, and hour-a-day shower. I just couldn't quite comprehend how Sirius and James managed to be at the very top of all their classes (Potions excluded - Slughorn absolutely worships Evans) when they had Quidditch as well as girls -- Sirius shagging any attractive girl he could get his hands on (and his options were bloody extensive, considering), and James busy with Project Lily Evans.

Nevertheless, I managed to survive. It wasn't as bad as fifth year in which I went to class with my robes (and sometimes they weren't) over my pajamas.

But right now, I had much more vital Black issues to worry about--one of them being the euphoria inducing elixir that was boiling a jet black in my and Remus's cauldron when it was meant to be a radiant yellow. I suppose Remus added too much peppermint because this potion certainly did not look happy enough to drink.

"Blimey, Remus!" I shouted whilst he murmured an urgent Scourgify! I was quite relieved that, for a change, it wasn't I who erred.

"Liz," said Robert Wheeler, a Ravenclaw companion of mine. "Mark says, and I quote," he began, his voice mocking Mark's, "I cannot and will not wait until Hogsmeade to see you again, so do be a dear and meet me in the Great Hall tomorrow night. Bring your tongue and I'll bring mine."

I giggled and flushed stupidly and immediately switched topics. "Aren't you supposed to be in Herbology?"

"Oh yeah," he rolled his eyes, "I really show up to Herbology every day because I love how the earth and ripple-weed grass from Sprout's hat always finds its way onto my robes."

I grinned at him.

"Pleasure seeing you, Liz, but I'm afraid Susie is--er--well I'm sure you know," he said, winking.

I made a gagging face at him. "Damn you, Robbie," I said. "Filthy images in my head."

He grinned and waved me goodbye.

I began stirring the euphoria potion, which, not so ironically, reeked pleasantly of euphoria.

"Quite the coquette, aren't you?" said Remus, who'd been adding a less than generous amount of peppermint into the cauldron. "Davidson, Sirius, Snape, Peter, Merlin knows who else..."

I smacked him across the chest. "I'm not going to inflict any serious damage on you merely because I know that the full moon affects your intelligence, or lack thereof. But if you ever suggest a bloke other than Mark who I'm supposedly having intimate affairs with, such as Snivelly or Wormtail, I'll hex you all the way to the States where those bloody Americans hold their fingers in the peace sign and smoke stuff that makes them act strangely."

"Number one, you didn't include Padfoot while giving me that rather useless sermon on said intimate affairs, and two, and kindly correct me if I'm mistaken, but I happen to vividly remember when you were smoking the American stuff that made you act odd--er than usual."

"It doesn't count if I do it. I'm French, English, and Italian, Remus - we're hardly considered human."

Remus grinned. "You've got a point there, pet."

There was an unordinary silence in Potions, the only two voices belonging to that wench Evans and Slughorn, who I think could afford to lose a kilogram - or a hundred.

Not even Sirius and James were attempting to cast an Anti-Grease charm on Snape's hair. The two of them seemed a bit too focused on something, and I knew that they were up to no good because of their eyebrows, which arched high in concentration.

Knowing I'd regret it whether I went there or not, I decided to do the former and cautiously rose off my arse, ready to impose damage upon their blessed souls. I was greeted most peculiarly...

"Elizabeth! Always a joy to see you!" said James.

"A pleasure indeed," said Sirius with just as much enthusiasm.

"Now I'm certain that I'm going to bewail this terribly, but, what are you twits up to now?"

"Your skepticism of our largely developed abilities pricks the heart, love, just pricks it," said Sirius, mock hurt, "but, we magicians, and I mean that quite literally considering that we are indeed wizards, have come up with a brilliant recipe, and we can present it to you as soon as it finishes cooling.

"Look, Padfoot! Why, I believe it's cooled completely," said James.

"Liz, milady, we, Padfoot--"

"--and Prongs--"

"--present to you a chocolate perfection--"

"--a euphoria so beyond pleasure--"

"--a really bloody brilliant brownie," finished Sirius.

"Once again, I know I'm going to tremendously regret asking, but what makes this stupid brownie any more special than a regular one?" I asked indifferently, certainly not a chocolate fan.

"It's filled with garlic," grinned Sirius, "so that when Snivelly eats it, the vampires will stay away."

"Although considering Snivellus, the vampires stay away anyway," added James, ruffling his hair and (I presume) subliminally looked at Lily.

I stared at them as if they were two incredibly demented, ridiculously insane, beings (or not).

"The two of you are dogs - absolute dogs," I said.

"Hath not a dog eyes?" said Sirius, mock hurt.

"Oh drop it, Padfoot!" I said, hands on my ears in refusal to listen while uttering a loud, immature "la la la, I can't hear you, la la la."

"If you prick us, do we not bleed?"

"La la la! La la la!"

"If you tickle us, do we not laugh?"

"La la la, dogs don't laugh, la la la!"

"If you shag us, do we not cry in joy?"

"La la la, will never shag you, la la la!"

Then I sprinted away from the two of them while Sirius shouted stupidly altered lines from Shakespeare's blessed dead soul.

"Shakespeare again?" asked Remus, flipping unenthusiastically through his Transfiguration book.

"You just know me so well."

"What are you going to do about it?"

"I'll eventually get around to burning his Shakespeare collection in the fireplace in the common room and maybe modifying his memory so that he doesn't remember any more stupid quotes."

Remus stared at me, a bit amused. "I meant what you are going to do about your situation with Sirius, the one so terribly evident that I can't bear to look at the pair of you without shaking my head at your obviousness."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Stop begging; it won't relent," he replied smartly.

I had to grin. He'd been using that incredibly literate (and annoying) line since I've known him.

"Horrible, you and Sirius are. Poor bloke hasn't a lay since the beginning of term because of you."

"Me? I'm not stopping him!"

"Not deliberately, perhaps."

"And it's only been three weeks since the beginning of term," I reasoned.

"He confessed to me that he'd feel awful for both himself and whomever the second party might be if he suddenly started thinking about you."

I smiled. "Remus, love, Sirius doesn't think about me. Giving a flying fuck about a girl enormously violates the Man-Whore of the Century award he rightfully possesses. I'm sure he'd enjoy his psychotic sex life with girls that he chirps up much more than he'd with just one girl."

"Yes, but he wants his said psychotic sex life to be with his psychotic mate."

"He wants to shag James? I knew it! I just knew it!" I said, muttering something about feminine intuition as an afterthought.

"No, psychotic mate," said Remus, amused terribly by my stupidity, "he wants you."

I laughed at him - what he spoke of was positively ridiculous. "Mad, you are Remus, just mad."

"You say that now, but I won't hesitate, and you know I won't, to say 'I told you so' in a few years," he grinned, "when there are little Sirius's and Liz's running all over the place."

"That wasn't remotely funny, Remus," I said, tossing my hands around with a mock deep disgust, "the blasphemy," I continued, "the revulsion, the cruelty and torture, the wickedness, the Blackness."

Remus grinned. "The Blackness indeed, Liz, the Blackness indeed."

--

The talk of vampires at Hogwarts became absolutely ridiculous the next day. All the first years from all Houses excluding Slytherin and most of other years spent six Sickles just for a garlic-filled brownie because Sirius and James spread rumors of the Vampirism Damnation, which is apparently just like the Rapture, except that all the wicked vampires will be damned and the good ones will remain on Earth to suffer... Ludicrous. Absolutely ludicrous.

And I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be brave.

"Snivellus threatened me today," said Sirius while buttering his crescent roll during dinner. "He tried to use some spell I've never heard before--Sectumsempra or something."

"What did you do?" asked a shocked Peter, his eyes bulging in surprise.

I absolutely couldn't tolerate him anymore. Seven years at Hogwarts with Sirius and James and Snape equals to seven hostile years at Hogwarts with Sirius and James and Snape. They can hardly go a week without attacking one another, those three, and Peter is still amazed and over fascinated to hear James' and Sirius's recollections of hexing Snape.

"I used Levicorpus on him," Sirius answered. "Actually, now that I think about it, I don't recall ever reversing it..." he said, sniffing a bowl of vanilla-mint pudding. "Is this gunk used in wolfsbane, Moony?"

Remus shook his head and continued to sip on his burdock root herbal tea, his eyes madly absorbed in a copy of Sonnets of a Sorcerer.

"Why won't it stop raining?" I asked, more rhetorically than out of genuine curiosity.

"Haven't a clue," said James, "but it hasn't paused for even a second for the past three days."

"Getting quite pathetic, we are," said Sirius, biting into his crescent roll. "Talking about the ruddy weather. The weather, I ask you!"

"So what do you propose we do?" I said.

"Well, love, I'm pleased you asked," he said. "How does a game of truth or dare sound?"

"What are you, Black, twelve years old?" I said.

"I suppose you're right. It is a tad immature. I'm suggestionless, and yes, Liz--before you say anything, I am very well aware that that isn't a word."

I grinned at him. "'Twas a superb dinner with you gentlemen," I said, getting up from the bench, "but I've a date with an angel and I can't be late."

"Angel? Angel Rook, that brace-face, ruddy fourth year?" said Sirius, bedazzlement written all over his wickedly perfect face.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Twit."

"Well is it?" I heard him ask Remus, James, and Peter, "Because if it is, I'll pummel that pimple-faced brat."

--

"You--are--such--a--brilliant--kisser--" said Mark, although I wasn't paying his words the least bit of attention - I was too deeply engrossed in the kiss to.

I felt his rough hands slither gently down my sides, and his evidently sinful lips wet my neck. No complaints here.

I mean, he wasn't what you'd call average-looking. He had very dark brown hair that he kept cut and neat, unlike Sirius and James, and his skin was tinted a light suntanned orange. His eyes were flawlessly darkish blue and his body--well, Quidditch has its benefits.

And I had the benefit of feeling those benefits.

I'm quite fond of those benefits.

Immensely fond of those benefits.

Those benefits are bloody remarkable.

My hands found their way up and down said remarkable benefits, and he bit my lip in a light groan.

Those fabulous benefits.

I'm talking about his built arms, of course.

"Not--so--bad--yourself--Sirius--" I said, my lips freezing and my eyes opening in shock at my own stupidity and lack of self control after the millisecond it took me to realize what I'd said. And apparently I wasn't the only one petrified.

Mark backed away slowly and eyed me. "What did you call me?"

How could I be so stupid? Sirius, I ask you, Sirius!

"Er--well, you see," I said at a complete loss for words. "I--er--was just eating dinner with the blokes--and--er--most of the conversation was between Sirius and I--and--well, you know--"

His expression suddenly turned stiff as wood. "No, Liz, I actually haven't a clue as to why the girl I'm snogging decided to call me 'Sirius'. And until you're ready to enlighten me," he said, "farewell to you."

I hadn't the slightest notion as to why, but I suddenly felt a spurt of liquid hatred towards Sirius run through my veins. What an idiot, I thought - what a bloody idiot. I wasn't sure who I believed was said idiot, though - him or myself.

I found myself wandering around the Gryffindor boys' dormitories just minutes later, stopping in front of the Head's room, where I had the indecency to not knock before I walked in. James was lying on his front side, scribbling ingeniously on a piece of thick, pastel yellow parchment with a worn out quill, which, I was sure, was worn out because his brilliance is most evident whilst being gnawed on.

"It's common courtesy to indicate your presence and state your purpose when infringing on the peaceful homework time of a fellow House-mate," he said, failing to look away from whatever he was working on.

"It's common courtesy to show concern and compassion for a fellow House-mate when the said House-mate is undergoing a rough period of distress," I said, voice mock stiff and professional.

He grinned.

"What are you working on?"

"A rather useless bit, I certainly think," said James, "of dragon, lizard, and werewolf dung, which makes the best manure when planting coriander leaves."

"That sounds super exciting and I'm at a point of extreme disappointment for not being allowed the same topic, you lucky bastard, you," I said monotonously, mock disappointed.

James made a gagging noise. "So what's got you in a twist?"

"What makes you think I'm caught in a twist?" I asked, arching my eyebrow at James' uncanny ability to accurately read my mind.

He raised his eyebrow at me.

"Right. Well I don't know, really. Now that I think about it, it just seems so prevalently teenage drama-ish, you know?"

"I expect Davidson was a bad snogging mate?"

"Not at all, really. Things just got a bit heated and--"

"If he laid a finger on you against your will, so help me Merlin, I will murder him. And I don't even want to imagine what Sirius can conjure up to destroy Davidson's blessed little head," said James.

"Er--no," I quickly defended, "we were snogging, and I ended up saying someone else's name instead of Mark's. But I didn't mean to, I really didn't. And it was probably the worst name I could've said at the moment - Siriusly bad name."

"You know, Liz, you abuse your ability to manipulate words into puns. You've become completely incompetent of literal language."

I grinned, albeit I attempted to hold it back. "That's beside the point," I said. "My objective for this year is to shag as many good-looking blokes as possible before graduating, and speaking Sirius's name instead of said good-looking blokes is flouting against my goal."

"With you being a near family member of mine, I'd like to say, with the utmost respect of course, ew. And maybe something is meant to happen between you and Sirius, just like I know something is meant to happen between me and Lily, because I'm assured that his objective is twin to yours, and I'm fully aware that he, and I quote, 'ain't gettin' any' either."

"That was a mouthful," I grinned.

"You have no idea."