White Flag

White Flag

It's been three weeks since I last saw him, during the snow storm. I can't seem to forget. Tomorrow's graduation. Thank god, maybe then we can both move on. Not that I want too. I think... no I know. I love him. Or at least I think. I've never loved anyone before so I don't really know. I mean Mother was never around much, and I always looked up to Father but deep down I never really believed in what he told me. At that point it never made much of a difference, but now it does.

Tomorrow I'm being initiated. I was at first kind of nervous but now I just don't care. It doesn't matter. I can't change it so why should I worry about it. That's why I'm glad tomorrow's graduation. Because I can't be with him, so at least now I won't have to be reminded every second of every day. I can forget now. Like I'm actually going too.

I see him everyday, watching me. He's not very good at being secretive. Blaise and Pansy figured it out. Well, they figured something was up and I told them. They were there for me and I was really surprised at them. They helped me come up with the perfect solution. We can't be together. It just wouldn't work.

I saw him watching me this morning. I feel so horrible. I can't just leave him with no explanations, that's just cruel. Maybe I could send him a letter, tonight. Then he wouldn't feel so alone. I can explain everything to him. How we can't be together because we're too different. We're complete opposites. He's good. I'm evil. He's light. I'm dark. Opposites just don't go together.

I hope he'll understand. Understand that I do love him. With all my heart, I do. But it's just not enough. It's never enough, is it? Our destinies are already plotted out, word for word, step by step. All that's left is too walk them. He doesn't realize it yet. He thinks he's calling the shots, that he can change anything at any point. But he can't. Neither can I, that's just the way things work.

I'm to become a Death Eater tomorrow. I can't change that and if I try I'll die. He's going to kill the Dark Lord. He can't change that because he's already accepted that as his destiny. He thinks it's his responsibility to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders and nothing anyone says will change that. And no one wants to try. I mean, why would they? Who would want to take on the Dark Lord when they can sit back and let some child do it for them? It disgusts me, really. How these people just stand back and let some boy barely out of school take on one of the strongest wizards ever to live and probably die while doing it. And then he'll die and they'll cheer and never think about it again, except maybe once of twice a year, because you know they'll dedicate a day to him. That way they can justify everything they've done. Well we don't have to think about him and all the people who died and all the people who lost someone because they have their day. It's disgusting really.

But I'm on the other side, aren't I? So what can I do? I'll probably die before him, at least I hope I do, that way I won't have to see the final showdown. Because you just know the Dark Lord's going to make some huge deal out it.

I feel horrible having to do this, just leaving him a letter. But it's for the best, it really is. No matter how much I want to say it isn't. I tried to go back to insulting him. I almost had it for a while. I called him a muggle-loving fag or something like that. I wanted him to realize that we can't be together, I wanted him to know that there's no point in trying. But mostly I just wanted to hurt him for making me feel this way. Malfoy's aren't supposed to love. It's not possible. We lust, we liked and we hate, oh do we hate. But this, I don't know, it's something more. It's not lust, well it is a little, but I want more then that. I want the little things. I want to be able to kiss him good morning, and kiss him goodnight. And to walk to class holding hands, and just sit outside in the sunlight doing nothing like normal couples do. But that's not possible, is it? No, our lives have been planned and it doesn't include kisses and sunlight or holding hands. Not by a long shot. Mostly it includes hate, anger and death. Definitely inevitable death on both our parts.

And so I sit here alone, forever alone. I know I hate leaving him like this. Which is why I'm glad tomorrow's graduation. And then I will never have to see him again. Well that's not true. When we meet, which I'm sure we will, it will all still be there. I'll still love him and he'll still love me, but hopefully by then we'll have moved on. I'll let it pass, hold my tongue and pretend I don't recognize him. And he'll think that I've moved on. It will be for the best. I know it is. Now all I have to do is convince myself of that.