What the Light Never Gave

I was gasping for air, I knew. I could hear the short breaths escaping my lips to mingle with the thousand other breaths out there, in the atmosphere. I imagined I could see them swirling together, two passing by each other, caressing the other...

What confused me was that I could not *feel* myself heaving precious life into other people's bodies, far away from the carnage that had, mere seconds ago, just finished. I, and my rival, leaving behind all inhibitions, forgetting the scraps of humanity we two had barely managed to keep alive all these years.

He, living off others in desperate attempts to attain a body of his own.

Me, realising that, if I was to accomplish what I knew must be done, I must leave my morals behind.

There was no room in this fight for convictions of any sort. He even smirked approvingly upon learning I had drugged my own friends and adopted family so they wouldn't be able to follow me.

'You have the makings of a fine Dark Wizard...it's too bad you had to grow up under the influence of such a weak man...'

At that, I smiled at him, effectively putting him on his guard.

'What makes you think I have not privately studied Dark Magic?'

And so we fought - no, we played a game. We had made the rules only last year, right after he had told me of his desire to finish this...on my seventeenth birthday.

Midnight.

We played by our rules - in the light of the seventeen bonfires lit around us, their flames leaping about wildly as magic spells and energy clashed within the circle. He was impressed with my knowledge of the Dark Arts, as well as my proficiency in using them.

'They will not save you, boy. You forget that I am *made* of Darkness...'

And he forgot that his Darkness was also my Darkness.

He did not realise...

...that I had become Darkness as well...

...if only to defeat him.

I had foolishly let the blackness within me loose, not knowing that I could never, ever return to the way things had been. I realised that as we played our game without tiring.

I could never return to *them*.

...to hell with them. I love them, but they could never understand...

This was too much fun.

***

Though the light never gave me this much freedom, I knew I had to be redeemed...

***

I ran from the circle after making sure his ashes were scattered to the four winds along with the breath I could not feel escaping my body. I ran until my legs burned; I continued running long after that. The forest behind the old, toppling house was deep and never-ending, it seemed.

Hours after I began running, I came across a tiny village that time seemed to have forgotten. It was a wizard village, no doubt about it, but there seemed to be a large amount of Muggles also inhabiting the area. The two worlds, magical and non-magical, coincided here and remained peaceful.

Employing my knowledge of dark spells, I disguised myself by turning my hair a dark brown, lighter than it had been, and changing my eye color to blue. My glasses had disappeared sometime last night, but I could see well enough to get by. As confidently as I could, as the clothes I was wearing were mere rags by now, I strode into the tiny village and glanced about.

'*Accio money*,' I muttered. A few minutes later, my bag filled with wizard gold was in my hands. I looked around for an inn of some sort, but found none.

I felt a tugging at my ragged shirt tails. A small witch, no older than two or three, was holding onto me, smiling up into my bewildered face.

'I no place either,' she whispered, trying to make me understand her uneducated assertion. 'Look with me?'

I hesitated, then smiled. Squatting down closer to her level, I nodded slowly.

'My name's James,' I said suddenly. 'Do you have a name?' She shook her head quickly.

'What's a name?'

'It's something that people call you so they can...know who you are, all the time.'

She cocked her little head to one side, and I noticed for the first time the dirt that covered her face and arms and legs. Her reddish hair was matted and knotted. 'Where are your parents?'

'What are parents?'

I was silent for a moment...and then another...and yet another. She awaited my answer patiently, somehow knowing that I would answer her question as best I could. Toddlers were quite perceptive, it seemed. But how could I answer when I had no idea myself?

My smile grew larger. 'I don't know, little one. I never had any, really. Would you like to come with me? We could find out together.'

She blinked, then returned my smile with a tiny giggle. I stood and drew her hand into mine. 'You need a name first.' She brightened. Though she could not comprehend what a name was, exactly, she grasped the importance of it. 'Hmm, could we call you...Elizabeth?'

She stuck her tongue out. 'No, I suppose not...what about...Rose?' She shook her head no. I himmed and hawed over the possibilities before coming to a conclusion.

'Would you like to be called Lily?'

She smiled and hugged my leg. 'Yes!'

'Alright,' I said. 'Your name is Lily. Now, Lily, what should we do first?'

***

I kept my disguise up for five years, taking it off every once and a while to show Lily what I really looked like. We snuck into Diagon Alley every so often; once, we bought her a wand so I could begin her magical learning, and several other times to draw more money from my account. There seemed to be no end to my vault in Gringotts, but I knew I couldn't rely on that forever.

About eight years after the game, three years after the meeting with Hermione in the field, I came across an advertisement in the Daily Prophet. It was posted by one Albus Dumbledore, and he was looking for a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I smirked. The curse seemed to have stayed on the position, sadly. Lily was playing on her intermediate broomstick, giggling softly as she made loop-the-loops in the open field behind the house we stayed at.

We never stayed in one place more than a few months. I was barely twenty-four, and we estimated her age to be about eleven. Perhaps it was time for her to join children her own age. Of course, it would be difficult to enroll her as a Hogwarts first-year; I had already taught her as high as fifth-year material. I sighed and looked at the black-ink words on the page.

Position open as DADA teacher at Hogwarts. Pay negotiable. Address resumes to Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster.

Lily deserved children her own age. I knew more than enough about that...

'What's wrong, James?' she asked, hovering slightly off the floor.

'Nothing. Did you finish packing yet?'

She shook her head. 'No, not yet.'

'Good. Hold off for a while. I have to write to someone about a job interview.'

Lily glanced at me in a confused manner. 'Why do you need a job?'

'Well, we can't rely on my account forever, can we? And besides, if I get this job, we can live at Hogwarts, and you can make friends!'

Her blue eyes brightened considerably. That was that. One James Evans would offer his services as professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts.

***

Dear Mr. Evans,

I have received your credentials, marked specifically confidential, and am definitely impressed. If it is not too much trouble, I would like to hold an interview as soon as possible. You may bring your sister with you, if you like.
Please be at my office at nine o'clock on the morning of July the fifteenth, if you so choose to meet me.

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

Yes, that was that.

Hmm, I'd forgotten that Hermione was teaching there...

All the better.

***
Fin
***