I Love You

I still see your face, staring up at me, eyes wide and dying. I still see your pale hand, stretching out to me, silently begging me to save you. Pleading for one more chance at life. Your eyes, not accusatory, but pitying. Pitying me. When you were the one dying. I still hear your last words, like a curse on me.

I love you...

That hurt more than if you had told me you hated me, than if you had cursed me. You loved me. And you died for that love. And I look at the pictures, and I see your smiling face, while your voice whispers accusations in my head, calling me a traitor even as I see your happy eyes. I was afraid.

I love you...

It was like a death grip around me, my fear, and it clouded my mind, my eyes. I couldn't see anything, couldn't recognize anyone. Not even you. And I felt like it was everyone's fault, that they had blinded me with fear. But it was mine. It was all my fault. And I sound cliché and stupid, blaming myself. I know it, but then again, I am the hero, saving everyone else but myself. And you.

I love you...

What else was I to do? You came to try to comfort me, calm me, in my hurricane of power... and I threw it. It fell, straight into your heart. I heard my own shatter as the cloud fell away, and I saw the blood, saw your face. You didn't seem surprised.

I love you...

I wish I could let it go. They all say it's not my fault, not my responsibility. I killed you. I went through a war, without killing anyone until then, and I killed you.

I love you...

They tell me that I wasn't myself, that there was something wrong. But that's a lie. I was more myself then than I am now. I was afraid, wasn't putting on a brave front. I was angry, out of control, not locking it away. I was crazy, not numb.

I love you...

And I want to say something, like I am sorry, that I didn't understand what I was doing. But it would be one more lie. I knew what I was doing, I understood it. I just didn't believe it, didn't want it. But I did it. I hurled things at everyone, but they put up shields. You didn't bother. You seemed to know what would happen, seemed to expect, await it.

I love you...

If you loved me, why didn't you use a shield, anything at all? I know the answer, though, even if I am stupid enough to ask the question.

I love you...

You couldn't tell me that you loved me, for all the time we were together. You were too vain, too proud. As always. But you wanted to say it, and you couldn't, any other way. And I'm confused.

I love you...

And I sit here, locked in my room, feeling like Sirius must have when he was at Grimmauld Place. A childhood home where nobody loved me. But you loved me. And there is no way I can say I'm sorry, without being dishonest. So I'll say something else, instead.

"I love you, Draco."

And I can hear your voice, not in my head anymore, but all around me, as the sharp steel sinks into my chest.

"I love you too, Harry."