Waiting

For you to be

Mine

Centrefold - Placebo

It seemed that God had granted Remus with patience not because it was a virtue, but it would be a requirment for Remus to survive the life that he was to live.

I.

Looking at the man now, you would never have guessed, but there were times - there had been times - when Remus Lupin got impatient. When he saw patience as a bothersome quality and wanted to do have an adventure for a change.

Be assured that even when he was a five-year-old (which was the only year he had had these impatient urges) he didn't have a lot of these moments. Kind of like getting pregnant though; sometimes once is enough.

Usually the impatience would be, at most, stealing cookie before dinner - which, indeed, is an adventure for a five-year-old - but the impatient moment that had changed everything was when it was six twenty-two in a cold winter morning and he wanted to get out and play with the snow and warm up a bit.

His parents had ofcourse always warned him about not going out when it was dark, but they were more afraid of thieves and him getting lost than... than...

Than what did happen.

~

Remus' father was an unbelievably patient man - probably where Remus got it from. So when his son became a werewolf, he preferred to simply sit it out. He decided that surely one day Remus would grow and leave, and because he was young he would have learned how to survive by then, so no worries. Even though it seems reasonable enough, it took a lot of patience and courage to even make that decision.

When Remus' mother started hating him, refused to feed him, look after him, talk to him and everything else, things you'd expect even from a stranger, it was Remus' turn to be patient.

Remus waited for his mother to calm down, first. It would take a whole eleven months for her to even start looking at him and not breaking down but Remus was smart and self-sufficient, even then, so he simply faded into his dream world instead of thinking about his mother. He knew his mother would come around one day.

Remus was patient.

~

Understandably, Remus' grandparents and other family members refused to be around Remus for long, even though for the first two years they had sent him birthday cards, almost as if they'd forgotten he had changed.

What wasn't understandable - and, Remus learned much later, not tolerable - was that Mrs.Lupin's brother started spending an awful lot of time in their house after he came back from a mission, which was about two months after Remus had turned. Two months had been enough for him to register the fact that he was now an animal, had no right to do anything and- he didn't like to think of it much. Still, he thought bitterly, he even had a water bowl in the room he transformed in. A water bowl. For a five-year-old that was a more affermative sign than him not being allowed to have any property under his name, or have posessions worth over two hundred galleons.

So when Remus' uncle told Remus that he deserved this, Remus believed it. And although it made him ill to think about his poor dead dog having been treated like that when he was alive, he also believed that he deserved whatever it was his uncle was making him do, whatever it was he was doing.

He hadn't known the words for the things they did then. All he knew was to close his eyes and wait until it was over, trying to think of other things. All he had to do was breathe deeply and wait.

Remus was patient.

~

His father had told him, two months after he was bitten, that there'd come a day when he'd be allowed out of the house again.

That day, apparently, was not to come until six years later, when they went to Diagon Alley to buy his school things.

Having spent most of his life indoors with only books to keep him company, Remus only vaguely remembered the concept of school - his father was sure he wouldn't get in, so hadn't talked to him about Hogwarts at all - and couldn't bring himself to be excited about it.

Especially after throwing up in the middle of Diagon Alley because the crowd made him dizzy. He'd asked his father a bit about Hogwarts - which his father had been very enthusiastic to answer - and it did sound fascinating, all those Professor who knew so much, and could teach hands-on, all those amazing books... Yet, from what he understood, it was a crowded place. He was scared, but he couldn't tell his father that. The man had cried for three days when Dumbledore had come and told him he wanted Remus at Hogwarts. Mr. Lupin, apparently, had not wished for anything else for all his life.

While most muggles would think that the thing a werewolf's parent would want the most would be a cure, it's usually just a happy life. You must not confuse being a werewolf with being sick - for wizards there are werewolves, and non-werewolves; their mind doesn't even register the fact that they could change into one other. That would be, to them, like wishing an asian were 'cured' to become african instead. Two different races; nothing to do with each other, nothing to cure. No sickness.

Remus' father taught him how to handle his...problem, with crowds, or at least a solution that helped most of the time. He taught Remus how to not look at everything around him, but only ahead; how to detach himself from the crowd, which normal people do instinctively. He taught Remus that if he needed it he should stop, close his eyes, count to ten, open his eyes, count to ten again and walk really slowly until he felt alright again.

They practiced every couple of days by taking walks at streets - first deserted ones, then normal ones, after that crowded ones and afterwards the scary crowd of Diagon Alley.

Remus' father was patient and they went back to the beginning of the street and walked it down again every time Remus cried or threw up, and Mr. Lupin explained again and again what Remus should do without getting mad.

Remus never whined, never asked to stop, was always ready to start over. Remus was patient.

II.

The first thing Remus Luping realised when he arrived at platform 9 3/4 was that most of the students were very stupid.

Oh not 'stupid' as in the opposite of 'smart' but as in 'immature.' Immaturity, by most adults - and child-adults like Remus - is easily mistaken for stupidity.

After a while of chatting with an apparently muggle-born (which meant that her parents weren't wizards and couldn't do magic, the girl informed him) girl for a few hours, even if a bit awkwardly, he realised another thing: He liked being with people.

He found that it was hard to concentrate when they were talking so much about things he had no idea about, but he also found that he had the will to learn. He liked hearing their voices.

He also found - well, always knew actually - that he had a hard time talking. He'd always known this one because in all the books he'd read, people seemed to talk so much and so easily, when he had to think for a while before forming a sentence and then wait a bit more for his voice to co-operate and his heart to stop beating so violently.

Still, he liked hearing their voices, he liked being able to answer questions (at least when he knew the answer) and most of all he liked - no loved - how everyone looked at him in the eye. Not just the girls - the people who randomly passed, or asked if he'd seen their pet or their friend, the parents who were looking to see what kind of people their kids were meddling in with.

Nobody looked away or glared at him. Nobody left the room as soon as he started talking. Nobody looked at him with wide eyes, as if he were about to eat them.

He had a lot to learn, but he could handle it. Remus was patient.

~

He was glad that he was in the same house with Lily (the muggle-born girl) until he realised that boys and girls were supposed to sleep in seperate rooms, and have roommates. He would have to live in the same room with strangers.

Remus didn't stutter, but he talked very slowly - he waited for long moments between sentences - and his roommates had seen it their holy assignment to tease him about it all the time.

They never did go too far with their teasing though, if only because they had unbelievable house pride (people at Hogwarts, depending on their personality apparently, were divided into four houses - Lily had been surprised to find out that he hadn't known even that), so saw Remus automatically as One Of Their Own because of the simple fact that he was a Gryffindor, and found it much more interesting to throw insults at Slytherins.

Still, they were very insensitive and not the least bit understanding. Remus found that he often had to do his breathing excersizes around them - they wouldn't let him out of their sight after that one time three fourth-year-old Slytherins beat Remus up because they thought Remus was insulting them by talking slowly.

By spending more and more time with them - even if he didn't want to, not exactly - he learned to be more relaxed around them, even smile his ridiculous small smile - "That twitch. There. Is that supposed to be a smile Remus? Nice. We made him smile. See that Sirius?" - and it had also taught the others how to be more careful around him, how to not be complete jerks at least.

It was an incredibly slow pace for an improvement of any kind, but Remus was happy every time Sirius blushed when he realised he'd been a jerk in front of Remus, every time Peter pawed at his face he accidentally insulted an innocent person, every time James suddenly stilled, feeling Remus' eyes on him, and started paying attention to class instead of the quidditch game going on outside.

Besides, a slow pace wasn't something that could put Remus off. Remus was patient.

~

Remus, who was usually a very keen observer, especially of people, would never have guessed that his friends would be so fascinated by his being a werewolf. He felt like he was the only bitch around lots of male dogs; everyone constantly looking at him with wide eyes, asking him questions, eyes shining everytime Remus moved a bit faster than usual or made a sudden move.

At first it was pleasant - ofcourse it was, he was a teenager, he loved attention dispite his tranquil personality - but after a while all he wanted to do was strangle them all so he'd live in Azkaban, alone, happily ever after.

Though, as you might have guessed, he put up with it. He answered their questions - which were more or less always the same, only in a different sentence structure, or sometimes not even that - and he didn't shout at them when they kept going on about how cool it was.

Remus was patient.

~

By the time they'd all turned thirteen, Remus had read twice that many books on adolescence and its effects.

So when Sirius wanted to sleep with him at night, and sometimes kiss his chin, and once rub himself on Remus, Remus simply saw this as a Phase. Sirius would get over it. Even if he hurt Remus a lot before he did get over it. After all, Remus liked Sirius as much more than a friend. Obviously though, his feelings weren't reciprocated. Even if they had been, Remus wouldn't have known how to have a proper relationship, even if he seemed to be acting more and more humane each day.

It also seemed too bothersome to let himself love someone, he decided, looking at all the lovesick friends around him, especially James who'd seemed so strong and pround and had lost all dignity and nice behaviour as soon as he'd fallen for Lily. Believe it or not, love doesn't hit you suddenly, not really. First you realise that you can fall for a person. And if you're collected enough, and decide they're not good for you, you can guard your heart, even if you can't really control your body, nor your dreams. So Remus thought of Sirius when he closed his eyes and touched himself in the showers but kept his heart safe; refused to fall in love with a person like Sirius who Remus knew would hurt him. You had to be an idiot not to know that. Sirius black was a bastard. Even the girls who were fawning over him made sure not to fall in love with him, or to not let it show - they just had fun with Sirius, didn't dare want anything more.

So Remus waited for The Phase to pass. Remus was patient.

~

October 23rd was the first time Sirius and Remus had sex, if it could be called that. Remus had hated it, but Sirius hadn't asked if he'd liked it and even if he had Remus would've lied, because Sirius seemed to have enjoyed it a lot. Even if it hurt, even if it made him remember things that he only now knew the meaning of, even if it made him throw up afterwards... Sirius had sighed happily and smiled afterwards. He'd made Sirius smile.

Even if he didn't love him, Remus wasn't going to deny the pleasure it gave to make Sirius smile, all by himself.

It wasn't until the second end of fourth year that Sirius really started dating. Not stealing kisses from girls he didn't know the name of behind the greenhouses, but really dating. Or, as James put it, "trying to shag his way through Hogwarts." It wasn't that bad ofcourse, but it was a fact that if Sirius went out, it was for sex. In the old days it had been the snogging - which meant that you at least had to like their face, or the way they kissed. But after he turned fourteen Sirius basically didn't go on dates if he didn't think he'd get at least a handjob. Which wasn't all that normal for a fourth-year at Hogwarts, but Sirius had never been normal and the girls always gave him what he wanted so it didn't occur to him that it was too early to be having meaningless sex. Hell, most students their age (and older, really) were virgins.

One might think that a thing like that, Sirius acting practically like an open bufe', shagging people right and left, would upset Remus. It did not at all. Even Lily - who thought Remus shouldn't put up with Sirius bullying him, and didn't even know what Sirius and Remus did at night, at least not all of it - had agreed that if he slept with a person once and didn't see them again, didn't even remember their name, didn't even care about their faces, yet came back to Remus all the time, it must at least mean that Sirius fancies Remus to some extent.

Sirius did. Come back to him everynight, that is. He didn't care about any of the others, yet he cared about Remus. He was trying to become an animagus for Remus. He brought Remus chocolate-frogs after fullmoons. He smiled after they shagged. He smiled even after they kissed, which they didn't do often but still. Remus finally found the hope he'd been searching for, and let himself fall.

So when Remus, in the spirit of Spring (and warm weather, finally) coming, confessed to Sirius, he hadn't expected at all to be laughed at. The least he could do, thought Remus, would be to at least turn him down politely.

Yet Remus knew that Sirius wasn't like that; Sirius was immature, even after all these years. And Sirius had never really turned him down, just laughed. Never even told Remus that he was being ridiculous. Ruffling his hair was a bit of a sign, but still didn't really mean anything. Sirius just hadn't realised that he could be attracted to Remus yet. Remus would have to wait for Sirius to sort out his feelings. He could do that.

Afterall; Remus was patient.

~

Nothing surprised Remus as much as learning what Sirius really thought of him. A monster. No, not even that; a tool.

Even if he was egged on, even if the words had slipped from his mouth in a moment of anger, even if all his apologies were sincere... In the end, the fact didn't change. If Remus hadn't been a werewolf but just liked to sit in the shack, would Sirius have sent Snape down there? Most probably not. He'd sent Snape there knowing Remus was there to kill him. Just a wolf. Not a friend, not someone who's suffering and tearing at themselves.

It would have surprised Remus less if it had been anybody else. Not just because Remus loved Sirius, oh no, but simply because he'd thought that Sirius didn't judge. Coming from just a prejudiced family, Sirius was against all prejudice except the hate towards Slytherins but really, it was almost always well-placed, even Remus thought so.

Remus would never have imagined that Sirius didn't think him human. Didn't think him one of themselves. So it was The Marauders and Their Wolf for Sirius, not The Marauders peroid.

He refused Sirius' apologies, and told him there was nothing to forgive. Afterall, when he looked at it that way, when he put himself in the place of a human... Sirius had no obligation to see Remus as human. No wonder he'd laughed when Remus had told him he loved him; Sirius probably thought it was impossible for Remus to feel such a thing as love.

Yet, in the end, Remus couldn't expect anything else of him. Of anybody. It was a slap in the face not because it wasn't right, simply because he'd fallen into a dream-world again, only a slightly different one this time; this time he'd dreamed he had friends, and even a potential life as a human.

If any of them noticed how Remus changed after it, they didn't comment on it. Except Lily perhaps, but she commented more about how she hated Sirius rather than how she thought Remus had changed. The rest respected Remus' request and tried not to talk about it much. The first time Sirius had come to him, he'd seemed to be feeling guilty, and Remus had felt awful; Sirius should never feel guilty about anything regarding Remus, it just wasn't right. Later though, Sirius had probably been the only person to take Remus' words to heart and really act like nothing had happened.

It would take time to get used to it. To this new view of his friends, his now non-existant life. Now he had to calculate every step because in two years his life as a semi-human would officially be over, with it any chance of happiness.

Therefore he let Sirius have him as often as possible, sometimes even asked himself which he'd never done before - he thought that if he only had Sirius for another two years, he'd better make use of those years.

Still, even while having sex - during which he'd never had a coherent thought before - he felt something was off. It didn't feel right. It felt almost awful. He felt like throwing up again, which he hadn't done in ages.

It would take getting used to. He'd have to act tranquility until he had inner peace and no longer had to act. It was okay though. Remus was patient.

~

Sixth year was a blur in Remus' memories. If you asked him, the only thing he'd say would be that he'd started talking slowly again, and had loved his father more than ever for teaching him not to cry, to try hard to survive, and ofcourse the breathing excersizes. It wasn't easy by no means. The days passed slowly even if afterwards he couldn't remember them. Acting became harder and harder - yet at the same time easier. His act was more believable now, even if he was talking slowly, but he found it more and more disgusting: having to act.

Indeed, Remus was patient.

~

Remus would never find out what exactly made Sirius suddenly realised he wanted Remus as his boyfriend, that he loved Remus, but he'd gotten very mad about it at first. He'd frowned and pretended not to hear until Sirius' voice and act became impossible to ignore. He had stopped dating, and wouldn't shag Remus; would only kiss him and give him a handjob, and sometimes even a blowjob, which he'd never done before. For his release, he was usually happy with rubbing on Remus' leg or sometimes hand. Remus was mad, then surprised, and then had simply refused to register the change. He hadn't changed his attitude. He was cold as he'd always been since fifth year.

Sirius, apparently, found this very depressing, and starting doing various stunts to get Remus to notice him, to get Remus to go out with him. At last Remus got mad - even though he'd tried so, so hard not to - and had told Sirius that he didn't want Sirius coming into his bed at night under no circumstances, and that he was never going to go out with Sirius.

Sirius had actually almost cried at that; his eyes had watered up. He'd said, after a whole minute, slowly; "I won't touch you at all Moony, I won't even sit too close to you, if you don't want me to. I'd never do anything you don't want. I just want you to consider going out with me. Please." Then he'd left, not waiting for an answer.

All through the year Sirius had continued declaring his love to Remus in silent (mostly at least) and clever ways; finding subtle ways to give Remus gifts, helping him with homework and anything else that might come up, telling anyone who asked him out that he was in love with someone so no, he couldn't fool around and no he would never get over it and never, ever be available again.

It would pass. Sirius would get bored of it. He always did. Stubborn as he was, there was a limit to Sirius' patience. He'd give up. He would stop trying to fool Remus into believing those awful dreams again: All Remus had to do now was wait.

Remus was patient.

III.

It was rather interesting that Sirius kept his promise and didn't go out with people even after Hogwarts, and that their first year outside Hogwarts was very much like the first one at Hogwarts. James and Sirius settled into an even closer, yet calmer bond, Peter had been sweet as always, always arranging meeting-ups and keeping everyone up-to-date in case they were busy. And Remus...

Remus had been tortured for two days by Deatheathers, ironically the second month of his New Not-Life as he called it. Ironic, because that was exactly how long it had taken him to get beaten by Slytherins in first year. He'd refused to turn, and they hadn't liked that much; they knew Dumbledore liked him and wanted him on their side. Besides, he was educated: the non-educated have a habit of imitating the educated ones, and it would help recruit more werewolves if they had a trained one.

Sirius had gone insane and had demanded to be in every search team - except one in Tunasia where apparently deatheathers had been seen; Sirius had said that with it being so close to the fullmoon, they wouldn't dare travel that far with Remus, and had joined another team that was searching at the same time - he took so many shifts that he didn't even have time for a ten-minute nap in-between them.

When they had finally found and rescued Remus, Sirius had refused to let Remus live by himself.

"I don't care if you don't want to be with me, or if you've turned down my offer to move in with me. You'll just be my flat-mate, nothing more. You don't have to move in to, well, move in."

But while not falling in love is somewhat possible, falling out of love is impossible when you love someone as much as Remus loved Sirius. So, when he saw how caring Sirius was - not just stupid favors about assignments but really caring about him, almost taking care of him, in his appartment - he couldn't help but accept Sirius' offer. He told Sirius that he'd 'give it a try.'

He'd never seen Sirius happier.

Though that was true, it was also true that he didn't expect it to last. He waited for the moment of realisation; the moment in which Sirius would finally realise that Remus wasn't meant for him at all, that he'd only wanted Remus because he couldn't have him. He both looked forward to and dreaded that moment. He loved being with Sirius, even if Sirius' love was fake, yet the tension, the dreadful feeling in his stomach...it was killing him to have to wait for the end.

He was patient, though.

~

Again, Sirius surprised him, even if not as much. Sirius hadn't gotten bored of him. Instead, he'd again insulted Remus' mere presence by suspecting him, and treating him badly on top of it.

Remus wanted to hate how Sirius treated him, wanted to hate the fact that he couldn't walk out, but part of his brain kept telling him that this was what he was supposed to be treated like, this was what he should have expected, and the other part, the part that almost believed itself human, had gone silent after a particularly violent insult-fest of Sirius.

He was in a state of delirium and the 'healthy' part of his brain refused to function, refused to wake up. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep and he couldn't even talk, not even ask for a glass of water at work, or answer a person when they asked his name.

In a rare moment of claration, his mind declared:

It will pass. Just wait. The war can't go on forever. Wait for him to figure out you are not a traitor. Until then, it's safer to... be like this.

Remus would wait. Remus was patient. And nothing else, he thought bitterly to himself.

Remus was patient.

IV.

After Sirius was sent to Azkaban, Remus didn't go into a depression - well, he had already been in one, even if he hadn't known it, but it hadn't gotten worse - he just didn't eat or drink water for weeks at an end - the werewolf stamina was unbelievable - and at the end of these long periods only eating a small slice of bread or a thrown out sandwich he found in a garbage can or on the street.

On the October of the sixth year after Lily and James' deaths, Remus was forced by a muggle man (apparently a priest) to bath, put on new clothes and eat. The priest made him sleep in the church and made him eat everyday until one day he didn't throw up. After that, Remus found eating not as revolting as before, if not enjoyable.

It was his third week there when he came to his senses, and finally was able to think rationally again, if only for short peroids of time.

He realised that he was waiting again. He laughed outloud at that, and the priest patted his head, asking him if something around the room striked him as funny. Remus turned to the priest and said, with all the seriousness he could muster: "I'm waiting again."

"Waiting for what, son?" the priest asked slowly, as if he were speaking to a child.

"Death. I'm waiting to die." Remus had thought it rather dramatic but the priest then started laughing too:

"Aren't we all, son? Aren't we all?" And Remus supposed that the priest was probably right; everyone was, in the end, waiting for death. Except James. Except Sirius. They were immortal, death was but an impossibility to them. He felt tears roll down his cheek and smiled.

"I'm good at waiting," he declared. "I'm patient."

Remus waited silently. Remus was patient.

V.

It took Sirius a while to be remotely normal again, in every way imaginable (emotional, phisical, religious; you name it). It was a slow, slow process and Sirius was uncharacteristically shy and hesistant.

Sirius wasn't the Sirius Black Remus had known. Sirius was scared and once-handsome and old and broken.

Remus was patient.

~

All Sirius could ever talk about was Harry. A normal person would've said Sirius was obsessed with Harry, but Remus merely thought Sirius had a lot to say. The subject of Harry would be closed one day, or at least open room for others.

One day, they'd talk about the past. One day, Sirius would ask Remus if he still loved him. One day, Sirius would cuddle up to Remus after sex, and tell Remus that he loved Remus. One day, Sirius would ask how Remus was doing. One day... one day...

This was at the same time both the easiest and hardest task for Remus. In the old days, the things he had to be patient about were harder, or he was too young to find them easy: Waiting for your bestfriend to fall in love with you when you're fourteen, waiting for death when you're but a twenty-odd year old. Now it was easier to wait, when he thought about it that way. It'd at least be a change from waiting for death to come. It was also the hardest because he could take Sirius being silent but Sirius going on and on about everyone in his life - his past life and his life now - and yet not even saying 'Goodmorning' to Remus when he woke up, using Remus as a wall to talk to... It wasn't that easy but...

But Remus was patient.

VI.

The year spent in Grimmauld place was very similar to his sixth year at Hogwarts. Everything was a blur, and nothing was pleasant. Days were long, yet insignificant the day after. He waited another year out. Just twelve months, he told himself. You've gone longer. Much, much longer.

Remus was patient. Oh so patient.

VII.

Remus waited for Sirius to utter those words. Just three damn words. "I love you." It wouldn't matter if they were true or not. He just needed to hear any form of affection from Sirius. Sirius had finally started at least asking how he was. The Grimmauld place, oddly enough, had made him at least sociable. He knew how to chit-chat now, and how to not talk about Harry or Peter or James until the chit-chat was over.

Remus hadn't tasted hope like this even when he'd believed, in school, that Sirius might be attracted to him.

Afterall, Sirius had to love him. Had to. There was no one else left. No one beared to be around him for long anymore. He wasn't the catch he once had been. He wasn't popular, and he didn't have any friends.

Just Remus.

Remus was his family, his friend-group and inevitably his lover. If only Sirius would say the words. If only he would-

But no. Remus mustn't push him. After all, Sirius had at least started watching Remus now. Not looking through him, but seeing him. Lying next to him after sex and stroking his cheek gently. Smiling a crooked and odd smile and giving Remus a peck on the forehead.

Remus would wait. He had no ambitions, no attachments, nothing that stood in the way of him taking things slow with Sirius.

Remus was patient.

VIII.

When Sirius fell through the veil, Remus' heart stopped. His brain and body seperated again and he acted like he should've, but his mind was elsewhere.

This was it, he realised. This was what I've been - I'd thought it'd be my death. No it IS my death. My heart was his. With his heart, mine stopped too.

His brain shut down again. He was on auto-pilot. He did things without thinking. People must've noticed this, because now he wasn't given much research work but more hands-on stuff, easier errands, things that can be done without thinking.

He simply waited for Voldemort's defeat so he could die peacefully. He couldn't leave Harry like this because if there was an afterlife his friends would hate him there for leaving behind Harry; all vulnerable and with no guide, no point of reference, no one to come to except Dumbledore who was too old and made too many mistakes that cost too many lives.

Again, Remus waited. Again, Remus was patient.

IX.

Two weeks after Dumbledore's death, Tonks found Remus drowning down the vines in the Black Attic.

"Remus?" she called hesistantly. As she'd half-expected, Remus didn't answer. He only started truly sobbing - he'd been silently crying at first. "Oh Remus..." she ran to his side and held him, and he didn't protest, but she couldn't find it in herself to be happy. "What...?"

"It's not... It's not fair you know." Tonks somehow knew she shouldn't interfere, and waited for twenty seconds before Remus continued, his words half-drowned by the alcohol. "I've waited my whole life. My whole life, woman. And you know what I got for it? All my friends died. But that wasn't enough, oh no!" He suddenly got up and threw his bottle away, opening another and sipping a bit before continueing. "My lover was a traitor. And he came back. He came back!" He laughed bitterly and took another sip. "But naturally that bitch Fate wasn't done with me. It wasn't enough that I had no friends, that I was a fucking beast, a dark creature; it wasn't enough that my lover was broken. No, a broken lover was too much for me. She had to take him away." He threw this bottle away too, then cursed when he cut his hand, but didn't let this stop him from getting another bottle.

"Remus... You and Sirius were...?"

"Oh yes." He said with a bitter grin.

"Oh."

"If you could call it that," he said slowly, as if it was an afterthought.

"What does that mean?"

"He never loved me, you know. So if the word you wanted to use was 'lovers,' then no."

"You loved him though?"

"No. I love him. I always have, and always will, more than anything in this life." He laughed bitterly again. "Not that there's much going on with my life, but you know what I mean. More than anything." He licked his lips and gulped, trying not to sob into the vine and choke. "I guess I'll just wait for death again," he said, in a low voice, "There's nothing else left to do. I'll wait until...until it is time for me to finally leave. I believe not that a sadder life was ever lead. Even in the most tragic stories there is at least a little moment of happiness. One year. One month. One day. One moment. One SOMETHING. I..." He blushed a bit, and now Tonks saw that, interestingly enough, Remus hadn't blushed because of the alcohol even though he seemed to have drunk quite a bit. "I'd give any-" he coughed violently and Tonks got up and stroked his back. "I'd give anything - do anything - to have had him said that he loved me. Af-after Azkaban. It-" He sobbed this time, "It didn't even had to be true. It wasn't. I know he didn't love me. Still, even if it was a lie, I would've liked to have heard it." He looked at Tonks now. "Crazy, eh?"

"No, Remus," she whispered, "Not crazy at all, actually. Then again, not most think me sane."

Remus laughed at that; he liked Tonks, even if it was just as a friend. She patted her shoulder and smiled a lopsided grin. "I... I'm used to waiting. But. Sometimes. Anything else I could've survived through, Nymphadora. The one thing I couldn't take was this. My heart stopped with his, do you understand? No ofcourse you don't," he answered himself, shaking his head, "How is it possible that you understand? I just... I'll just..." he let the bottle go and sat on the chair in front of the fireplace with a soft thud. "I'll just wait for death to come. Again."

"Remus," she was panicking now, "Remus you won't do anything stupid, will you? Remus?" She walked fastly to his side and looked at him wide-eyed.

"No," he muttered softly, "I can't. I can't leave James' son behind like this, especially now that Dumbledore is gone."

Tonks let out a relieved sigh at that. Remus would get over it after all. It was hard, yes, but the werewolf was strong. That's what had attracted her to him in the first place.

"I'll go to sleep now." Remus whispered and walked out of the room.

Yes, Tonks thought, Remus will surely make it. It'll be a long ride but...Remus is patient.

~

When they found Remus dead three days later - Tonks had been informed with an owl that told her that the envelope attached was found next to Remus' dead body and was entitled to her - Tonks was the only one surprised. Everyone knew at least a bit of Remus' suffering and to some merely being a werewolf for that many years was enough cause for suicide.

Nymp Tonks,

I'm sorry I never called you that. I'm sorry I didn't love you - believe me I wish I did. I'm sorry I never really talked to you - at least not when I was sober. I'm sorry I lied to you. Except I didn't. I really didn't want to do this. I wanted to wait, if only for fear of being hated by my friends in the afterlife that might of might not exist.

I'm also very sorry that you never knew the old Sirius. Sirius was never kind, but I think he was a person you really would have liked, if you'd seen his real self, not this broken self. I'm very sorry everyone will remember the broken Sirius and the only one who'd remember him as he used to be will be dead in a few hours.

I don't know if it helps, but I do love you, as a friend. I did like your jokes and I did think you were a fine young woman, if you know what I mean.

I'm sorry.

I guess... I guess my patience ran out.

"But how?" Tonks asked herself aloud, "How can the most understanding, the most powerful person I know have lost a virtue he's had since he was a kid? Remus is... Remus isn't the type to go and kill himself. Remus could've gotten over this. Remus is- was patient."

~

Exactly seven days after Remus' death, thus six days after Tonks found out about it, Tonks witnessed yet another thing she wouldn't have thought possible.

Sirius was alive.

She watched as Sirius was interrogated again and again by Order members about what had happened, but even after the sixth time he repeated it Tonks hadn't even heard a word.

Sirius was alive.

Sirius was alive.

Sirius was alive.

"Oh." She said, and to her surprise everyone stopped talking. Then Tonks realised that it was because Sirius had stopped talking and was looking around with a frown - a total coincidence. She knew what - who - his eyes were searching. "Oh Sirius."

"Give me a quill, some ink and a paper please. I refuse to continue until Moony arrives. I'm sick of tired of repeating things anyway, I need a break."

The long silence should've been a huge hint, but Sirius did always choose to ignore hints about things he wouldn't like; his mind simply refused to acknowledge anything that would displease Sirius until it was beaten into his scalp.

"Can everyone leave please?" Tonks said softly and - partly because they were glad they didn't have to do the job themselves, and partly out of respect - they all left the kitchen in a haste. "Sirius..." she let her voice trail as she held his hands. He was still frowning like as if she was dictating a complex math question. "Remus is gone, Sirius." There, she'd said it. With only a slight cracking of voice.

"What?" Sirius whispered.

"It's... I know he was your only friend left but - but we- well at least I love you too and you shouldn't be too sad because we can't afford to have you sad. You deserve to be happy."

Sirius looked blankly at her for about ten seconds, then stared at the table for a long while. After almost a minute he said, his voice cracked and making it obvious that he was hiding tears behind his bangs; "He wasn't just my friend. He was the love of my life."

"What?"

Sirius sighed, his eyes crying uncontrollably yet his face somewhat collected. "We were lovers. I know you didn't know that but-"

"But Remus said you didn't love him." she said, caught off-guard, but then slapped a hand over her mouth.

"What?"

"We both seem to be so fond of that word, eh?" she said nervously.

"What do you mean he said- you knew we were lovers?"

"Remus...three days before his death, we talked. He said you couldn't be called lovers because..." she found that once she'd started, she couldn't stop, "Because you never loved him. He said that he loved you more than anything but you simply did not. Still, he said... He said that he would've done anything to hear you say that you loved him, just once. Even if it wasn't for real. After...after you got out of Azkaban, he said."

"Remus... Oh, Remus... Remus... Moony... My Moony... How could I ever not-" At that point Sirius looked, for a moment, about to fall apart. Then he suddenly looked up. "His grave. Take me there."

Tonks could only nod.

When they arrived at the grave and Sirius saw the date, his eyes widened unbelievably and he fell on his knees. "He - he died- a week ago?"

"Yes," whispered Tonks.

"A week. A week. Gods." Sirius was laughing and crying at the same time now, and after a minute it got a bit scary. "A week and I could've showered him with love. I could've shown him just how much I cared. I could've...godDAMMIT!" He hit the ground with his fist but then suddenly his eyes widened and he kissed the earth. "Sorry love, sorry. Didn't mean to- I just- A WEEK Remus. A week! What sort of an ending is that?" His voice was barely auidable now between the occassional sob and the weak voice, "What sort of an ending? I come a week late. You don't know how much I wish I were dead right now.

"How could you ever, ever think I didn't love you? But I know the answer to that, don't I? I treated you awfully. No wonder you never believed-" he broke into sobs and couldn't speak again for a good fifteen minutes.

"I love you more than anything," he said at last, "You hear me Moony? I love you so much it hurts. Well, everything hurts right now but... When I realised I loved you, in seventh year, I... God Remus I just want you to be here so much. You have no idea. If I could choose between James and you coming alive, it'd be you.

"I know you always thought I loved James the most, when we were kids - and I suppose you've always thought that so...so I wanted you to know. I love you Remus. So, so much. You don't know how much I'd give, what I'd do, just to have you alive for one more minute. To touch your hand, to stroke your cheek, to tell you over and over again that I love you until you smile that ridiculously small smile - if it can even be called that - and told me 'Okay you idiot I get it!' And...and to apologise.

"Moony. Just... just one week. You were..." He suddenly turned to Tonks, as if the whole conversation had been a play and she the auidience, then said softly:

"It's...it hasn't registered fully yet. It's so hard to believe. One week, Tonks, one week! Seven days! If it had been anybody else I'd understand but...

Remus is patient."

I refuse to let you die

'Cause that's wrong

And I've been waiting for too long

That's wrong

I've been waiting for too long

For you to be

Mine

Centrefold - Placebo