Former Warmth

"Harry..."

Heat pounds in my temples. I pretend not to notice.

"Harry..."

Ache tightens my wrists and chest.

"Where are you, Harry...?"

I see nothing although my eyes are open. Maybe it's dark. Pitch-dark. I'm warm everywhere. I hear my heart pounding like a hammer. A broken one.

"Where are...Harry...are you...Harry..."

Moving is mindlessly heavy. I hear someone screaming. 'Don't! Please don't! I will be good, I promise, just don't! I beg you!' For how long have I been here I don't, I can't guess. I stopped counting days. I don't recognize mornings anymore as the curtains here don't let the sun through. It's how they think I would calm down.

However.

I don't even remember if I've seen sunlight.

***

They found me roaming in London ghetto alone, in drugs, as they say. I remember having your letters with me but maybe it was just a dream. I wonder how I got there. I can't. I felt only frost. Sub-consciousness, gloom, pungent smell of urine and vomit. Possibly mine. I remember feeling uneven heat in my lower stomach, roaring, sappy female voice murmuring in my ear.

Hush honey boy, sweet, don't cry, you're so hard and sweet, don't cry, I...

Laughter. Waking up in shit, finding my clothes nowhere. My skin itched. Flashing lights of different colours left my eyes itching too.

Bliss by candy.

Blood, blood, blood... Blood in my mouth, blood in my eyes, blood in my mind. They say it was an intentionally unfinished mutilation. I only saw red, crimson, scarlet, like wine, like roses, like lipstick, like flesh... It was beautiful.

***

He's alive, he's afraid, he's awake.

Stand up and say: 'My name is Mark and I am psychasthenic.'

You didn't see his brain falling out, you didn't try to tie his muscle strands up with a spell. You didn't try to thrust his eyeballs back into their pits.

Stand up and say: 'My name is Mark and I am psychasthenic.'

He's within your reach, he's everywhere, he's alive...

Stand up and say: 'My name is Mark and I am psychasthenic.'

He's alive, he's alive.

Mark... not again, Mark, put that away, Mark.

He didn't bleed from everywhere back then, he wasn't mutilated, there wasn't anything written on his chest...

Mark! Listen! If you don't stop immediately you know what we will have to do. Mark. It won't be pleasant, Mark, Mark...

"Golden boy."

***

My mother was dead, my father was disappeared, my house was burnt. As I arrived I saw them with my mother and I saw you, but it was a dream, wasn't it?

I didn't see you.

You're a hero.

My mother was interfered so to say. I remember hauling you under oaks in the middle of bracken, but it was a dream, wasn't it?

You were smiling.

You're a hero.

I heard screams and shouts, but I didn't pay attention. I heard cries and slashes. I didn't want to pay attention. I remember someone coming. Someone laughing at you, someone spitting into your face. I dried it clean with my hand. Someone throwing a stone. It hit you on the nose. I licked the blood away, but it was a dream, wasn't it?

You were clean.

You're a hero.

It was autumn, I saw leaves, turned red and brown. I smelled soil, dew and blood. I laid on the damp ground. All liquid from around me seeped through my robes and I felt cold. With my eyes I saw only yours. I panted heavily, I thought my heart would flap out. I was drooling on your cheek, but I was too shocked to move away. Someone went away. You skin was striped so beautifully I had seen only in museums. Your jugular was open, I caught a glimpse of your ripped nails. My reflection in your eyes, I saw a good-looking guy. Gosh, was that me?

It was an astonishing dream.

***

Bandages slice my wrists, they're tied too tightly.

...calm down, relax, Mark, calm down...

They are leaning over me, looking into my eyes.

...can you hear me, we only want to help...

They want to kill me, they want to torment me, they want to make me feel bad. Someone leans over me.

If you don't calm down, we'll have to put you to sleep.

I see your face. Put me to sleep like a child? They think I'm a child? Maybe they think I'm a girl too?

...tranquilizer then, we're sorry, Mark, we...

I see your face. Even when bandages disappear and I'm flowing somewhere between reality and the dreamworld. I'm no longer in my body.

You are a naughty boy, Mark.

"Harry, where are you, Harry, where did you leave me, Harry, where did you go, Harry?"

"Golden boy, it's not good...it hurts...Golden boy..."

***

They brought me here. It's too blue.

They asked me questions. They acted like I was crazy.

I told them my name was Draco Malfoy. They didn't believe me. They gave me another name.

I told them I was sixteen years old. They didn't believe me. They gave me another age.

I told them my father did this. They didn't believe me. They gave me another reason.

I told them Golden boy was dead. They laughed.

I didn't tell them anything else.

***

Harry,

I hope you're doing well there. It's the spring now, I suppose, they let us sometimes out if we're behaving and taking our medicine. I think they let Brandy go for a walk last week. Maybe if I nicely let them pump me full, they'll let me out too.

I'm writing to you now because they gave me a pen and some paper at last. I won't give this to them for posting to you. I know they won't do it. I'm starting to understand at last. They're the crazy ones here. At least they're acting like they were. I would ask you to come to visit, but I know you couldn't come so I'll just keep my mouth shut. How is the sun feeling? Is it warm on your skin like it used to be? I haven't seen the sun for months. I've heard them saying it'd do bad for me.

I wish you were here to see people here and talk with them. I have made new friends, you know, although they don't let us be together very often. Just during meals and for couple of hours a day just to make sure we maintain our forms of communication. I live in the same room with Brandy. He's okay, I guess. Kind of funny, even intelligent. There are girls too but they stay separate in another building. We have meals with them on holidays.

I have to wear stupid-looking clothes, nothing black and no jewellery. However I keep the silver ring you gave me in the pocket. I even showed it Brandy to make him jealous. I told him the bravest person I know gave me it. It wasn't maybe very well said, but Brandy was stunned. He asked me to tell him more. I told him about some stuff we had done together, but nothing very special as I prefer to keep it secret. Brandy, however, listened astonished and said I was a great storyteller.

I'm sure you would laugh your guts off if you saw me now. They've cut my hair. Sometimes at night when it's so dark and quiet I can hear owls' chatter, I imagine you there, beside me, pressing your hand around my own. Sometimes I can even smell you, you smell like a scorching day and like life, I can't deny it. I don't know what life smells like, but you smell vivid like you did at the time we played Quidditch. When we both rushed towards the Snitch wind making our robes whip I thought and hoped they would tear and leave us naked on broomsticks. That would have been cool, I think. After I've taken all pills they've given me I can imagine you so clearly it feels like you were there for real, but it turns out to be just another dream.

I have given such few papers I've to stop right here and use rest of them for drawing you. Every inch of your body is in my memory as if you were part of me so it won't be a problem.

I just want to say that I'd like to love you and be with you and bite you and touch you. I hope you're doing well, Harry. I'll write later more.

Love,

Draco