Feelings of What?

3

Her Story and a Confession

" I never really saw his good side. I mean, I have, but it was always rare. I loved him dearly, I still do, but to tell him? I'm afraid of the reaction. I always saw him in rages, in pits where he is screaming for help when people are looking down the hole, just looking at him. And I'm one of them. I try to move, but I stall and something tells me to continue, but I feel like I should let him be, let him starve and die while screaming for help. I should move, but I'm scared..."

Hermione walked quickly among the streets. It was dark and she felt like something was wrong... something was wrong with Remus. She had desperately tried to make him stop those rages many times, but every time, it would either fail or he would turn the problems into her fault. She would nod and say that she was sorry, knowing full well that she shouldn't have to say sorry and instead slap him, tell him to look up and around. Things weren't changing for his dead friends and instead, he was pushing away everything, everyone that cared for him now... even Tonks...

Hermione hated it when he talked of Tonks like that. They had been dating for how long and Hermione was still standing for this? IN a way, she felt like a failure. But she was his shadow, his little voice...

'No, I am not his little voice. I'm only there to help because I have lost things too,' she thinks silently as rain starts to sprinkle. Her eyes aren't glowing anymore, instead they are growing wider with fear and betrayal. She feels like that this time, it is her fault. She told him a lie and now, she was having the bad feelings again. Always the bad feelings...

"I can't let you, my love. I won't let you... not this time..."

~

Hermione was cheerfully walking down the halls: she was going to Lupin's office to help him with some more grading. She laughed at herself. 'More like talking and joking to me,' she thought, a grin playing across her face.

She walked into the familiar DADA room, zigzagging past the desk and making her way to the stairs, but not before stopping at his classroom desk, petting a higgle-puff. It jiggled and hiccupped as Hermione smiled and cooed. She picked up a pile of papers on the floor and pet the head of the higgle-puff once more and made her way up the stairs. She figured the door would be open, so when she found it locked, Hermione pondered if he was even there. Nonetheless, Remus had given her a set of keys incase that happened. She took the key of her bag (she was balancing the pile of papers on her knees) and slid it into the lock. It clicked once... twice and it swung open. It was dark, but the room was warm. Hermione hastily put the pile of papers on the nearest chair. She heard a noise, like someone was trying to clear his or her throat inaudibly. Her eyebrows went up as she took her wand out and said the charm that made the torches light up in the room.

At the sight of what she saw, she instantly made moves to get him down. Remus was hanging from the ceiling by a rope. She hadn't known how long he had been up there, but as soon as she conjured up a mattress under him, she instantly sent another charm after the rope, where Remus landed on the mattress with a loud thump! She went to his aid and took the rope off, tears forming in her eyes. Hermione placed her finger at his neck. No pulse.

The tears were hotter this time. She held the wand at his chest and sent a bolt electricity through his body. She replaced her fingers to his neck. Nothing. "Remus... please...", Hermione begged to him, the tears coming fast. She held her wand on his chest once more, the shock much longer and stronger than the last. Hermione's hands were shaking now as she placed her fingers onto his neck. Nothing. She placed her head on his chest, the tears so hot and heavy that it was like a tornado storm was passing through.

In a rhythm, she started to lightly pound his chest. Then it became harder and harder and harder. Nothing. She looked up and went close to his face, her hand reached over and smoothed his hair back, she her hands over cheeks and then to his lips. She looked at him for the longest time before she leaned in and kissed him, smoothly and gently on the lips. She felt him twitch and she moved back fast. Hermione instantly got to her feet and rounded to his real desk, getting to the bottom drawer. She pulled out one of the chocolate bars and went back over to Remus. His eyes were blinking, slowly and slightly. Hermione raised his head up into her lap, petting his head while breaking off a piece of chocolate for him. She held it to his mouth and said, "Come on Remus, take a piece. You'll feel better remember? The chocolate will make you better..."
Remus shook his head slightly and mumbled something. Hermione shook her own head and knelt her head closer to him. His voice was like wind as he whispered into her ear, "Nothing will make get better."

Hermione instantly got tear eyed again and shook her head. "Remus Jonathan Lupin, don't say that! I'll always make sure you're well and healthy." Hermione bent closer to his head, "I'll always make you feel better." She placed her lips on his lightly at first; soon he returned the kiss and they it deepened. Hermione felt her stomach tighten and the notes she felt loosened, but the butterflies were wild. She loosened the kiss and gently kissed the top of his lips one last time, before placing a piece of the chocolate into his mouth. Hermione whispered again, "Eat it and I'll always make you feel better."

~

Hermione was once again quickening her pace. Soon, she was in front of his manor, pushing the gate open, running up the gravel steps, racing to the porch, hurriedly knocking at the door. She heard a crash coming from within and she opened the door, not caring if he yelled at her or not. Hermione ran to the front room, hearing him scream out, "She's my student, my student! She knows and she can't love a thing like me, nothing will! Nothing! She doesn't love me, she doesn't! Why can't she love me?"

She slowed down, almost to a complete stop, but she moved to the front door, looking in at him. Her hair was glistening with the water from outside, her wrap around sweater soaked as well. She clucked to herself, looking at him. 'He can't be talking about me... must be someone else...' Hermione thought to herself, tears threatening to overflow onto her cheeks. But in all the years that she had known him, her and Tonks had been the only females that made any kind of move onto him.

Her cheeks were pink from the wind that had blown outside with the rain. She looked at him and moved a little, but knowing that she was going to be too afraid to try and comfort him. Instead, the tear came down over her cheek. She was standing around his hole, listening to him scream for help, but she was too scared to move and she was afraid that if she did, something terrible would happen.

Remus' face looked like horror or if he had just seen someone die in front of himself. Her bottom lip quivered; his chest was heaving in and out. Hermione opened her mouth and Remus did the same, but they both closed their mouths at the same time. After a few seconds, Hermione opened her mouth again and said, "Remus... howl." Remus gave her a suspenseful look and started to shake his head, but Hermione took a step closer to him and continued. "I know... your afraid, but I want to hear it... I want to hear what the wolf has to say."

Remus gave her a tearful look, but his mouth remained closed. Hermione took five more steps and was even with him. She reached her hand across, to touch his face, but Remus rejected this kind of showing of love. He didn't want her to pity him and the try to kiss him. "No... pity isn't love, it's just another form of healing. And I'm sick of people trying to heal me."

Hermione gave him another look. "I'm not..." She took a breath and some more tears fell. Hermione fell forwards into him, giving into the pain she was feeling from him. She cried into his chest and even as upset as Remus was, he wrapped his arms around her and tears fell from his gray eyes. He felt what he thought he had lost and as he kissed the top of her head, he realized that she couldn't love him, for it was impossible. Remus was falling for the true Hermione, but was Hermione falling for the true Remus?