Tears

Dear Mum,

I wish I could somehow find a way for this letter to reach you. I know I've always told you I love you, but somehow that doesn't seem like enough now. I feel like I always took you for granted. I never got to really tell you how much I love you, how much you meant to me, Mum. I never got to say goodbye. I just hope you can know everything I want to say to you, everything I feel but can't convey in words. I hope you have always known how wonderful and perfect a mother you have been and always will be without me ever having told you. I love you, Mum, and I'll miss you beyond words.

Goodbye, Mum.

Love forever,

James

He stood in front of the fireplace, staring moodily at the flames, watching the letter smolder and slowly burn.

"James?"

He spun around. Lily.

"Are you all right?"

He turned back to the remains of the conflagration.

She walked up next to him. "What's the matter?"

He was silent. She turned to leave when he said, without looking at her, "Now my mum's dead, too."

"Oh, James." She stood on her toes and wrapped her arms around him. He remained stony for a moment before dropping his stoic mask and allowing his head to droop.

"Sorry just isn't enough, is it?"

He just buried his face in her shoulder and breathed in her soft, intoxicating scent.

"Shh... it's going to be all right," she murmured as she stroked back his messy hair.

"No, it isn't," he mumbled petulantly against her. Oh, God, she smelled good.

"Shhh..."

After a moment, she pulled back and peered at him. "How does some hot chocolate sound?"

"Mum always made the best hot chocolate," he replied, his voice cracking.

"Oh, James, I'm so sorry," and she pulled him back into her embrace as his shoulders began to shake and as the tears started to leak from his eyes.

This time, he pulled away, after the tears subsided. "What a stupid thing to set me off," he said derisively, wiping his cheeks and avoiding Lily's searching gaze. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pour this out on you. I'm just--it doesn't matter. I'll go."

"James, are you going to be all right?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine. Like you said," he answered brusquely as he turned and walked away.

"James."

He stopped but did not turn.

"I'm always here fore you, if you need me."

He swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Thanks, Lily," he said, and then walked out.

***

He collapsed onto his bed, covered his face with his hands, and let out a groan. "You took advantage of her, James. She doesn't care about you that way. You're only making it harder on yourself." He rolled over. "Mum, where are you when I need you? Why did you have to go? You were all I had left!" He pounded a fist on the bed. "Don't leave me, Mum." He felt the familiar burning in his eyes and the lump in his throat. "I need you," he whispered, and then let the sobs go unchecked as he buried his face in his pillow.

The onslaught of tears was still going on, undiminished, a while later when he heard a tentative knock on the door. He lifted his head from the sheets and shouted, "Go away!" He kept his head raised and listened as the person at the door hesitated a moment, then slowly walked away. He fell back, the sobs subsiding, but the tears still coursing freely down his face. "Mum, I miss you."

***

A few hours later, there was another knock on the door. This time, he just turned his back to the door and ignored it. The door slowly opened.

"How are you doing?"

He closed his eyes against the pain. It was her.

"I've brought you some warm milk and cookies."

As if those things could make the hurt go away. "I'm not hungry," he said, turning into his pillow. He heard her place the tray on his bedside table.

"I'll leave them here in case you want them later, but you should drink the milk before it gets cold."

He couldn't help himself. "Don't go," he said in a small voice. "I don't want to be alone." He felt her sit on the edge of the bed. "Do you believe in Heaven," he asked, turning his head just enough to let the words escape.

"With all my heart," she responded emphatically.

"Why?"

"I guess because I want to more than anything else. I want to believe that the people we love don't just vanish and disappear forever. I want to believe that when I die, I won't simple cease to exist, and all that will be left of me is a rotting carcass in the ground. I want to believe there's more than this life." She paused. "I want to believe I'll see my mother again," she added softly.

They stayed that way for a moment until he broke the silence. "I feel so alone and lost and abandoned."

"Hey. Come here."

He shouldn't.

To hell with shouldn't.

He sat up and scrubbed at his eyes. She immediately encircled him in her arms, and he let his head fall to her shoulder again.

"I miss her," he said.

"Oh, James, I know," she said, stroking back his unruly hair. "I know."