Pensieve Reversed

Pensieve Reversed

Chapter 28 - Snape's Worst Memory

"Harry gazed at the Pensieve, curiosity welling inside him...what was it that Snape was so keen to hide from Harry?...He took a great gulp of breath, and plunged his face into the surface of Snape's thoughts...Wincing, Harry looked round to see who had hold of him, and saw, with a thrill of horror, a fully grown, adult-sized Snape, standing right beside him, white with rage..."

Professor Snape strode down the hallway, cursing under his breath as he passed a pair of giggling Gryffindors. As if the evening hadn't already promised to be bad enough with having to teach Occlumency to Potter - he felt his lips forming a sneer even when thinking that boy's name - he now had to somehow explain Montague's prolonged disappearance and subsequent reappearance inside a toilet to the boy's parents. Add to that today's disastrous Potions lesson with the Fourth Year Hufflepuffs, and Snape was truly in no mood for any trouble from Potter tonight. He could only hope that the boy had not wreaked havoc in the room in his absence.

However, there was a suspicious lack of noise as Snape swept down the corridor leading to the room, his robes billowing as he went. A sudden thought struck him - but surely Potter wouldn't dare? He knew that intruding uninvited upon another person's Pensieve was a severe encroachment of their privacy - didn't he? Although come to that, Potter's blatant disregard for the rules meant that Snape would hardly have been surprised if he went ahead anyway. He quickened his pace as he neared the room, his breathing more heavy with every step. When he finally reached the door, he wrenched it open to see Potter bent over his desk, his head inside the Pensieve.

With a roar of fury, he crossed the floor in a few quick steps, heart hammering inside his chest. Whichever one of the memories Potter saw, there would be trouble. Before every Occlumency lesson over the past months, Snape had been careful to remove three particular memories before Potter arrived; two at the direction of Albus Dumbledore, and the third...well, the third was an intensely private memory. Although Snape's humiliation at the hands of James Potter and his friends had not exactly been a secret, he had no desire for these memories to be replayed for the boy's entertainment. He had battled hard over the last five years to win Potter's respect. Perhaps it had not been done in the most typical of ways, but then Snape was not the most typical of people. Potter had a great deal of respect for Snape, begrudgingly given perhaps, and not the same style in which he respected other teachers, but still respect. Gaining Potter's respect was, for Snape, a way of makin! g up for the fact that James Potter did not respect him. For that to be lost in one night would be terrible.

As for the other two memories, these were ones that would ruin Snape's position as spy for the Order of the Phoenix. He and Dumbledore had long suspected that the Dark Lord would be able to extract memories or thoughts from Potter's mind. If Potter were to glimpse the memories of Snape explaining to Dumbledore his reasons for becoming a spy, and exactly how he had convinced him, it would be disastrous. If the Dark Lord were to see this, Snape's metaphorical, and perhaps even literal death warrant would be signed. It was thus imperative to pull Potter out of the Pensieve as soon as possible.

He seized the boy's arm, dipped his own head into the Pensieve and pulled Potter upwards and out of the bowl. He had been able to snatch a brief glimpse of the scene that the boy had been viewing, and felt more humiliated now than he had since Potter's father had been alive. Despite his extensive Occlumency training, Snape could feel himself losing control of his emotions. But it was the look in Potter's eyes that really tipped him over the edge. It wasn't amusement, or even insolence. It seemed to be humiliation, and it was at that moment that, for the first time, Snape realised that the boy was more than just Potter's son. He was his own person, and that person seemed to be ashamed of his father's actions on that summer day more than twenty years ago. This realisation was too much for Snape to handle, and he reacted in the only way he knew how - with anger. Ignoring Potter's protests, he threw him onto the floor, and resolved there and then that the lessons would not - ! could not - continue.

A few hours had passed before Snape felt calm enough to be able to look back on the evening's events objectively. He realised that ending the Occlumency lessons was a mistake. If Dumbledore were to find out he would undoubtedly be furious. However, he could not escape the fact, childish as it might be, that Potter had seen one of his most private and humiliating memories. But the boy's name stirred an unbidden memory in his mind, of the look on his face in the room - one of shame. Snape felt the faint pricklings of his conscience, as he recalled Potter's mother...Lily. She had been the only one to defend him that day at the lake. With the astounding physical similarities between Harry and his father, it was all too easy to forget that Lily was his mother. But now, it was all too clear that he had made a grave misjudgment when it came to Potter. While he physically resembled his father, his personality was Lily's through and through. Snape had merely been blinded to this all along. Therein lay the problem; to admit he had been wrong and carry on with the Occlumency lessons, or to stick to his guns and remain the same stubborn, resentful person he had been before this evening. Unfortunately, Snape had never been one to back down from an argument, and that was not about to change. Unbidden, James' laughing face taunted him, and he angrily pushed Lily's face to the back of his mind and resolved not to continue the lessons. After all, the link between Potter and the Dark Lord had not caused any trouble so far - in fact completely the opposite; it had aided in the discovery of an injured Arthur Weasley...so what harm could possibly be caused?