The Reason

The Reason

Dawn has broken. There's a slight fog crawling over the meadows outside the house, where I have spent such a long time with you.

The first rays of light are bathing the bedroom in faint grey. But it's enough for me to see your face. You're lying in your bed, your body barely covered with the sheet as you lay sleeping. One could almost think you're giving yourself peacefully over to your dreams. But I know it better. And the meanwhile dried lines on your face are witnesses of your tears.

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I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

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Everything had begun with one of those typical rivalries between teens of quarrelling families. Insults and arguments were the order of the day. But far too quickly we both had realised that there was more behind those mainly verbal struggles for power.

They say "Teasing is a sign of affection." But this was far above teasing. Things had turned nasty between us, as we frequently went for each other's throats in an attempt to abase the other.

Just like that, a relationship grew out of it which outshone any kind of love. The desire for each other was so strong that we didn't want to spend a single minute without the other. Just the absence of the other, due to such trivial matters like separated classes or later the necessity to go to work, left us with a feeling of emptiness. Only together we were one. Our souls had merged to become one, destined to be together for ever.

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I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

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You have shown me what it means to love. That there are other ways to live my life, other than the one my father had predetermined for me, such as not being subservient to a crazy wizard greedy for power. Because of you I have found myself, have understood what it means to stand up for yourself and the ones closest to your heart.

That was the way things went. I turned away from my past and my future, only to be with you. And I have never regretted this decision. Every single day since our first kiss has been perfection, better then I could have ever imagined.

And in one single night it was all over...

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I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear

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I don't know why I did it. There's no excuse. The only thing I know is that I felt alone.

You were gone for about a month and I had received an owl from you just once. I know that communication wasn't allowed normally. But your absence shattered my patience. I'd heard nothing from you and I was going out of my mind, alone in our apartment.

One of my worst features is to get drunk until I become unconscious at such a situation. One thing led to another...

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I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

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The barkeeper was about to close the pub when he stood next to me all of a sudden. Something about him reminded me of you. I can't explain it, but the twinkle in his eyes just captivated me. I saw you in him and as a result of that need to be near you... I followed him.

When I awoke the next morning in his bed, realisation of what I'd done hit me like a slap in the face. How could I have done this to you? I never wanted to hurt you and now I had destroyed what had been the most valuable to me. How could I ever make good for this?

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I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

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Since that night I haven't had a wink of sleep. When you finally stood in front of me again last night, I couldn't do anything other than to confess everything to you.

I could have never been able to hide something from you. You have shown me that directness and honesty are an important basis for a relationship. But I betrayed the trust you put on me in the most terrible way.

No matter how much it hurts to tell you of my infidelity, I simply had to confess. I didn't want to cause you pain, but not to divulge my treachery would have been worse The urge in me to let you know how bad I feel, how much I wish to make that night undone, overwhelmed me.

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I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

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Your reaction smashed my heart to pieces. Although I believe it's the punishment I deserved for my behaviour. I had betrayed our love by following an impulse. I had forgotten for a short period with the physical closeness of another, what our relationship stood for.

Your gaze reflected how much you were hurt by my actions. Silent tears ran down your face when you insinuated that I'm no longer welcome at our home anymore. Without arguing I left.

But now I'm here again. A few hours after you told me to leave, I'm standing in the room where we have spent so many incredible hours.

I have been sneaking in, only to watch over you while you sleep. As I look at you, trying desperately to ignore the desire to take you in my arms, I realise that there can't be a life for me without you.

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I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

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I can't keep back my own tears and decide that it's time to finally leave. But there's still one thing to do...

Silently I go down to the kitchen, seeing the first rays of sunlight through the window as they crawl over the hill. In a drawer I find a piece of parchment and begin to write.

Dear Ron,

I know that I can never make good for the things I have done to you.
I wish I could reverse everything 'cause it aches too much to see you suffering.
Please believe me that I never meant to cause you pain. I wouldn't have thought that I could ever hurt you so much.
Unfortunately it's not within my power to turn back time, even if it's tearing my soul apart to not be there at your side.
I can't and don't want to imagine a life without you as my guilt will haunt me for ever. It's difficult to leave but I must. I will always keep you in my heart and I will never forget our time together, when you have taught me everything I am now.
Maybe you can forgive me one day - it's my greatest wish, but I don't dare to hope.

Draco

One of my tears falls on the parchment, smearing the last paragraph. But I'm still able to read it and I haven't got the strength to write down my feelings once again.

Thus I lay down the parchment on the kitchen table. I know you'll find it when you wake up, but by then I won't be here anymore.

With a last glance at the familiar surroundings, I leave the place which will always be in my memories, because here I leave behind my heart, there where our love fulfilled us both. A love that was now broken to pieces.