Because She's Gone

I've always watched her. From the moment I spotted her on the Hogwarts Express, (which wasn't that hard due to her flaming hair). Later she came in, her head soaking wet. Apparently she'd chosen the compartment that James and Sirius had rigged to let a torrent of water down on the first person in. As she yelled, I admired the way the sunlight bounced off of her hair. When she screamed in frustration and stomped away, I watched how her hips swayed. I couldn't get her out of my head. I watched her in the boats, to make sure she didn't fall in. When we were both sorted into Gryffindor, I was so happy.

She occupied my every daydream. She was my goddess, the reason I got up in the morning. When James admitted to having his eye on her, my heart stopped. What James wanted, he got. I helped him set up his crazy schemes to get her to notice him. I tried to forget about her, but it was impossible. She was everywhere.

Eventually I gave up. I couldn't do it. She was too important to me. When James wasn't looking, I'd sneak a look at her perfect face, her gorgeous hair, and her almond-shaped eyes. She was almost magnetic. Sometimes she'd catch me staring, but I'd quickly look away, hiding the flush that spread across my cheeks.

As much as I wanted to, I never talked to her. I had never been the most outgoing of my friends but around her, I was tongue-tied. Sirius laughed and called it shyness. I just let him think that. Sirius was much more fun to be around when he was getting his way.

My friends. I still can't believe they never figured it out. Well, at least James and Sirius didn't. They were too busy planning pranks, torturing Snape, and trying to get the girls to notice them. I think Remus may have had a suspicion, but he never said anything to me. That I was thankful for.

Eventually, she became all I could think of. In fifth year when James, Sirius, and I found out that Remus was a werewolf, I almost ran straight to her and told her, hoping she'd think I was a hero. Then I thought of everything Remus had done for me. He'd helped me with schoolwork and defended me from James and Sirius when they were teasing me. As much as I loved her, I couldn't do that to Remus.

When she blew up at James by the lake just after Defense Against the Dark Arts OWLs, I didn't show it, but I was extremely happy. It meant she still hadn't warmed up to him, and I still had a chance. I went home determined to come up with a good plan to get her to notice me.

I started simple. I talked to her a little bit, though I could barely look into her eyes. We got to the point where she'd address me in the halls, and I looked forward to hearing my name called out by her pretty voice. I finally gathered up enough courage to ask her to tutor me in Potions, and the two hours we spent together on Thursday nights became the highlight of my week.

Everything looked pretty good for me. Then one day, as I was headed for the library, I heard muffled giggling. I was going over my speech in my head, for I'd decided that I was going to ask her out, so I didn't really pay any attention until I rounded the corner. She and James were standing there, attached at the mouth. I froze, my books falling to the floor as my arms went limp. They spun to face me, and I turned bright red as I scrambled to pick up all of my things, stuttering and apologizing the whole time. She helped me pick up my books and then said she'd come to the library with me. She gave James one last coy look, and then turned away. James pumped his fist in the air and grinned at me; I gave him a weak smile and a thumbs up back. My heart was broken.

I still watched her, all throughout the remainder of sixth year. I had a secret hope that maybe she'd come to her senses, and realize that I was the one for her. I held onto this hope all year, even when I found out that she and James would be Head Boy and Girl together, even when I caught them snogging countless times, even when James would call out her name in his sleep, even when she'd get this dreamy look on her face when we were studying, and I knew she was thinking about James.

We graduated, and I'd still see her, though not as frequently. She was often at James' house, or all five of us would hang out in Diagon Alley every once in a while. I still clung to my hope, and I was so buried in it that I didn't see the warning signs.

And that is why I'm here tonight, about to give myself to Lord Voldemort. Because she's gone.