So Complicated

I'm so scared that the way I feel,

is written all over my face

When you walk into the room,

I wanna find a hiding place

"Hi, Hermione."

Those words are words that she wants to hear. They're only two words, and yet the way he says them, make her go all tingly all over and make her want to look down, look away, look anywhere else but at him.

"Hi, Hermione."

She controls herself and glances up at him, smiles at him, but her face is just a mask hiding her true emotions.

"Hi, Hermione."

She treats him just like she's always done, and she wonders if he's ever noticed the way she watches him sometimes; the way the sun falls onto his hair, or the way his eyes narrow when he's concentrating, or the way his fingers curl when he's had an idea-

"Hi, Hermione."

Those words confuse her heart and she wishes he'd stop saying them.

We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do

But now, a smile and a touch of your hand,

just makes me come unglued

She hates touching him, now.

She used to be brisk and efficient with him; straightening his cloak when it slipped, rubbing the smudge from his face, tidying his always-messy hair.

But now, a touch from his hand makes her freeze, makes her want to go and run and hide, makes her want to touch him more and feel his skin against hers. She's learned to control this, but she can't help shivering a little when she accidentally brushes her hand against his reaching for the ink. Can't help but wonder what it might be like if she let her hand linger, touching his, but she daren't risk it.

Such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth?

Is it fact or fiction?

Oh the way I feel for you

She lies in her bed at night and wonders, sometimes, about this swirling mix of emotion that threatens to make her helpless.

She is glad she has learned self control, and is able to stop herself sighing or staring at him or doing other such obvious things, but she wonders, all the time, because she can't stop herself thinking. She wonders why she is feeling this way, why wasn't she feeling this way a year ago, and does he feel it too? Then she tries to stop herself thinking; she studies hard, flirts with their friend, but all the time, she's thinking thinking thinking and she just can't seem to stop.

So complicated, I'm so frustrated.

I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,

I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.

She tries to give him advice on what to do when he's sitting by himself looking dejected, but she can't seem to make her mouth work properly sometimes. Sometimes it's like her brain has detached from what she's saying and she has to shut herself up from babbling.

She's known him ever since that troll, but she's never felt this way about someone, so deeply, anyways. She knows all his little habits and goes to sleep counting them. She wants to scream at him to get out of her life, make her stop thinking this way, but he's so deeply entangled with her existence she couldn't pull him out without leaving a hole. She wants to pull him close, tell him how she feels and ask him...

Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel?

Oh, I want you to know.

But then again, I don't. It's so complicated

No, she doesn't want to ask him. Because she's a coward, and cowards take the easy way out- hiding. And hiding seems to be what she's best at these days, whether it's hiding her thoughts or feelings or hiding in the library, crouched over a huge tome but only seeing his face in the pages.

But what if, she always finds herself thinking. But what if..?

Oh...just when I think I'm under control

I think I finally got a grip

Another friend tells me that,

My name is always on your lips

She flirts with- not him, but their friend. The flirting is a meaningless distraction, but it is a distraction and so she pursues it absentmindedly. She laughs when people tell her that he talks about her, but inside her heart goes thumpthumpthump and her mind races.

She hopes she can keep up the pretence of liking somebody else, thus diverting the spotlight from her true intentions, but every day she finds it harder and harder to pretend to be cheerful, pretend to be the same as she always has. She doesn't want to treat him like she always has; she wants to treat him like he's special.

They say I'm more than just a friend,

They say I must be blind

Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me

from the corner of your eye

She wonders if he watches her like she watches him. He's so beautiful, sometimes, as moonlight highlights his hair and brings out the startling colour in his eyes. She tries to pretend she's not staring, but sometimes, when she's sure nobody's watching, she lets her eyes take her fill, watches how he bites his lip, just a little, when he's thinking; sees the way he bends over his parchment when he's writing, the way he wrinkles his nose a tiny bit when he's finished. Tiny little things mean more to her then the exterior he presents, because she knows his true nature underneath.

He'll glance up, and she'll look away, just like they were lovers playing a game with each other; but it's only one-sided to her, and to her it's not a game, it's a real-life catastrophe of emotion.

Oh, it's so confusing, I wish you'd just confess

But think of what I'd be losing,

if your answer wasn't yes

She lies in bed thinking about her feelings as her classmates sleep gently around her.

If she analyzes it late into the night, without letting her fragile heart get in the way, she comes to the conclusion that she'd rather have his friendship then none at all. She concludes that it makes no sense for her to risk losing their friendship if he doesn't feel that way.

But if she lets her heart take over, she thinks that maybe it would be worth the risk of telling him for the chance of gaining something more.

And every day when she gets up in the morning, sleepy and tired, she still doesn't have an answer.

So complicated I'm so frustrated,

I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,

I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay

She tries so hard to forget her feelings, to let her rational mind take over and let her emotions go to hell.

Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel

Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, it's so complicated

She was twisted up in a knot, first leaning one way, then leaning another. She savoured anything that they talked about; the three of them, in the dead of night, sitting in front of the fire and just chatting. She loved these moments, because in these moments she could forget what she was hiding and just let herself go.

People told her she was preoccupied, sometimes, and she would make an effort to come back to reality. It felt like inside of her was being ripped apart by an unseen force, and she couldn't stop, just try to ignore the pain.

She'd bite her lip, hard, to stop herself staring at him. She'd try extra hard in class to stop herself helping him. All day her heart sang: him him him him him.

She loved him.

Words she tried to stop herself from realizing, because as soon as she knew that they were true the pain just became worse.

Oh, I hate it. 'Cuz I've waited

So long for someone like you

Oh, what do I do

Why did he have to be so perfect? Why?

And why did she have to fall so hard for somebody who she didn't think would ever like her back?

Oh should I say it

Should I tell you how I feel

I want you to know ,but then again I don't

It's so complicated

She wrestled with her feelings at night, letting the tears pour down her cheeks, silently. She sobbed into her pillow, letting nobody hear, and wrote his name upon her hand so many times it left red marks, before erasing it with her wand so that nobody would ever know her secret.

And when she finally fell asleep, her cheeks wet and her eyes smarting, she would think of that black-haired green-eyed boy, that boy who made her feel so twisted and confused, the boy she would give up everything for. And as she drifted to a troubled sleep, clutching the wet sheets, she would hope against hope that maybe, one day her prince would come.

And his name she would engrave upon her heart.

It's so complicated