I, Half-Breed Monster

Monster.

I am Rubeus Hagrid and I am a monster.

That is what they all said, for as long as I remember.

Half-breed. Oaf. Freak.

Hissed names under their breath; small glares directed at me.

I never understood why they hated me so much. I never did anything to them.

Dirty. You're a piece of filth, Hagrid. You don't deserve to live.

Every word they muttered seemed a dagger into my soul.

It was different when my dad lived. Nothing mattered as long as he loved me, and love me he did. Long walks in the park, despite all the stares I received; patiently sitting with me while I tried my best to learn to read.

He never told me what it was about my mother that he loved so much. All I know was that sometimes I would find him, staring into the fire, and when I asked him what was wrong, he wouldn't answer. I never knew my mother. She was a blur to me, and perhaps it was better that way.

He never really explained to me what my mother was. What I was. I learned it myself, piecing together little things and little tidbits, and learning slowly, that I wasn't a full human. That was soon evident by my size. I hated it. I was so much taller then everyone else and it made me different.

I had problems with learning. I was horrible at magic and lessons, and often needed extra help to grill the knowledge into my head.

Stupid Hagrid.

He's such an idiot. Why did they even let him in?

He's not one of us.

Not one of us.

That was the thing that made me cry at nights, wishing for my dad and wishing to be the same as everyone else.

When my dad died, I was torn apart. I would remain silent for days, only answering when a teacher asked me a direct question. People jeered at me, but I had withdrawn into myself and didn't come out. I was grieving for the only person who had ever loved me for what I was.

It was Albus Dumbledore who brought me out of my shell. He called me to his office, and coaxed me out of my self-imposed prison. I missed my dad, so much, and in Dumbledore I found someone almost as good. Someone who understood.

He told me many things about himself, and slowly, I began to understand that I was not alone. Not as long as Dumbledore would look after me.

I will admit that I had a small crush on Albus. He was so kind, so understanding, so helpful. His blue eyes would twinkle, a guiding light as I tried to cope with a new life. I still cried at night, but slowly my tears were drying up.

When I was expelled, it was the second time I was crushed. All I had done was try to protect something that had a right to live, the same right to live we all had. I always sympathized with creatures everyone viewed as dangerous. They were like me- misunderstood.

You're not "misunderstood", Hagrid, you're just plain unnatural.

I was so grateful to Albus for letting me stay. I had nowhere to go, with an empty house awaiting me when I went "home". People were scared of me, like I was branded with a huge mark on my forehead-

Dangerous. Beware. He's not normal.

My speech also made me dissimilar. Try as I might, I couldn't talk like everyone else. My voice was deep, guttural, with a heavy accent I was born with. I spent hours trying to correct it. It was Albus that stopped me practising; he said it was a part of me and trying to get rid of it was about as useful as trying to get rid of one of my ears.

I can't say how many times I broke down. It was like life was a huge person just trying to get through my armour and into my vulnerable soul. Dumbledore saw me cry so many times, yet he never held it against me. He understood, and that was what I loved about him.

I finally found a few friends as gamekeeper. People who were sympathetic, and willing to look past my horrendous exterior and see me for who I really was. Lily Evans and James Potter were my first friends, and some of the people close to me, and they were all different in some way. Lily was a Muggle-born. James- though he never showed it- was deeply insecure. For once in my life, I had somebody close to my age who I could talk to. I was- if not happy- less miserable. They made the taunting bearable.

I watched them graduate, and wished so hard that I could have graduated too. I did nothing wrong, but yet it was I who was excommunicated from the honour of being a Hogwarts student.

Voldemort came to power, and this was the time I was most in danger. My mother's people were terrifying in their influence, and I was horrified when people accused me of going over the dark side. But I never would. Just because my mother was one of them, didn't mean I was too.

I didn't realize at the time that they were turning me against who I was.

And then the third crushing moment of my life came-

Lily and James were murdered.

No, Hagrid, you can't ever do anything. Because you're nothing. Hear me? Nothing.

It was like my world had collapsed. I had been so busy fighting for all I held dear, I never thought my two best friends would be in danger. I had so few real true friends that when they died, I went into shock. Though Harry still doesn't know it, I was there at his birth with Sirius. Holding Lily's hand.

I rescued my two best friends' son, and I took him to the man I trusted, Dumbledore. He sentenced the legacy of two of some of the best people I had ever known to eleven years in misery. I wanted to raise little Harry all by myself, I cared that much, but I knew Dumbledore was right.

I was too old to cry at night now, but the night stretched on and on as I stared at the ceiling, wondering-

Why did they die?

Why did they, two beautiful people, die, and I, a half-breed monster, live?

And so my life continued, with that question still in the back of my mind. Harry grew up and came to school, where I did my best to watch over him and be his friend.

When that woman Rita Skeeter found out about my heritage, I was transported immediately to my childhood. The words all came rushing back like arrows.

Jump in a lake, monster. Die, we don't want you.

But I survived even that. And yet all those years as being something to throw words at, left little holes in my soul.

*

And then the day came when I saw her.

She was talking to Dumbledore when I saw her, and my brain went into overload at the sight of her. She was so beautiful, and she was like me.

Like me.

And then I knew I was not alone.

*

Though it took a long trial for her to finally trust me, it was worth it. Every day I woke up thinking of her. Thinking of the fact that finally I was not alone.

Long nights we spent together when Dumbledore sent us to locate the giants for the second war. She was so beautiful then, as we spent it together, inside the same sleeping roll.

I was in love, after all these years.

Do you know my first kiss was when I was a full-grown adult? She was my first kiss and my first love. I had been kissed by girls on the cheek, girls close to me, but nobody had ever expressed a romantic interest in ugly, half-giant Rubeus Hagrid.

I could hold her and she was not at my waist. I could love her and she would not run away.

She was my dad, my Dumbledore, my mother, my friend, my love.

She was mine.

And, I, Rubeus Hagrid the monster-

You're so different.

- was not alone.