Let it out

The doors to number 12, Grimmauld Place, opened before Remus as he staggered into the house, supporting himself on the walls.

There was a raw ache in him that had become too commonplace in his life. Firstly when SHE'D gone missing, he'd nearly died. Then Lily and James, the pain had been unbearable for months afterwards. When Sirius had first gone to Azkaban, it was like a silver bullet to the heart coupled with what he'd thought had been the death of Peter. He'd survived so far, but this was just too much. It was unfair for one man to have to handle this grief alone.

He stepped silently along the corridor so as not to disturb the portraits. The last thing he needed now was Mrs Black gloating over his misery. He would not break down now; he would not give into emotion yet. He had come too far to be held back by his feelings when there were causes more important than his own. Now was not the time to grieve. It never seemed to be the right time.

Suppressing the sob in his throat that he schooled himself against, he opened the door to the living room and took in a sharp breath of surprise.

"Athene?" a witch just younger than himself occupied one of the chairs in the dark room. Her pretty face was thin and pale, her grey eyes haunted and tired. She tried to smile as she saw him, but the sight of him in his tattered clothing, aging face and greyed hair stopped her.

"Hello Remus." her voice was just as he remembered, light and low, but now with a wavering note of sadness. "I came as soon as I heard."

He found his way to a seat opposite her, gripping the armrests tightly and shaking with sorrow and shock. "What are you...how did you...I...I thought you were dead. The Prophet said..."

"The Prophet said there were no known survivors. They didn't know I was there. They didn't know I survived his attack."

Remus trembled as he remembered reading The Prophet all those years ago, as he recalled the first time he had felt the continuous pain of loss. "Why didn't you contact me? I missed you Athene. I...I needed you." Against his will, tears were falling slowly from his eyes. Athene Switch had always been able to make him reveal his true feelings, those he kept from others.

Hands clasped, she gazed at him sorrowfully. "I wanted to come back Remus, but...we didn't' part under the best of circumstances did we? I thought...I thought you might not want me back, not after what happened."

He lifted his head to look her in the eye, anger and tears choking him. "How could you think that? I loved you, for Merlin's sake! It was just an argument- it meant nothing!"

"I'm sorry," she whispered, holding his gaze "But I couldn't face you, not after what I said. I thought you'd never want to see me again. I thought you'd get by without me."

Remus gave a strangled laugh that came not from humour but from repressed grief, anger and exhaustion. "They never said anything to me, but they all thought I wouldn't last without you. They thought I'd break down, but I haven't you know, not after anything that happened to me! I got by! I managed without you, Athene Switch, even though I wanted you back more than anyone else I've lost! All the times I wanted to scream at what life threw at me, I didn't. I couldn't let them see that I wasn't coping! " He was standing now, shouting at her, but she remained calm.

"Sit down Remus." He could not resist her voice, so composed and gentle. Had he ever been able to? He lay on the couch on his side, trembling as she came to sit beside him.

"Remus, no one expects you not to break down. You've been through more than anyone, and you've never let your emotions take you. Always rational, always in control, that's you." Athene rested a hand against his face, stroking his greying hair back from his forehead. "Have you ever thought that it's alright to cry, or get angry at what's happened to you? You don't have to cope all the time you know." With a gentle finger, she wiped away the tear that welled in his eye. "We'll not lose any respect for you if you break down once in a while. You're entitled to it."

He sobbed, and his shoulders shook.

"There's no one here but me to see you now Remus. You can cry now, don't feel ashamed." The lulling note in her voice soothed him. Stretching his legs along the length of the couch, he tried to sit up and hold her.

"Athene...I missed you so much Athene..." he rested his head against her shoulder and let the tears roll down her back. She rocked him gently as he buried his face into her grey robes, which were almost as ragged as his own, holding him again for the first time in sixteen years. Minutes passed in silence before he pulled away from her. Tears had dried on his face, leaving salty stains across his cheeks.

"I want to tell you everything that's happened to me," he whispered "everything that's happened since you went away."

Athene nodded with a regretful smile of her own. "And if you'll hear me out, I'll tell you what's happened to me."