Carousel Horses

Carousel Horses

Carousel horses, round and round

Feet will never touch the ground

Our carousel isn't such a pretty sight anymore Fred. The years have taken their toll on the wood and paint structure, eating at the horses. Our horses are still there, but barely. Those horses were two-of-a-kind, and best of friends just like we were. I don't know if you still remember the tales we invented on those rainy days, tales where we mounted our wooden horses and they sprang to life, carrying us far away up over the moon.

Do you know how I feel now? It's quite strange really. Inside I feel sort of empty, almost like something that was living inside me has died. I've lost that elusive connection with you. Like half of me has simply disappeared. I suppose that is true really. Everyone thought of us as a pair. Fred and George. George and Fred. Sometimes it felt like we weren't even separate people, but rather a part of this single person Fred-And-George. And sometimes I hated it.

Carousel horses, up and down

Mouths will never make a sound

But I never hated you. It was just hard day-in, day-out being known only as one half of a whole. It's even harder knowing that you're gone now. Gone forever. Never coming back. How will people think of me now? I wouldn't be surprised if they still called me Fred-and-George you know. But how will they see me? I haven't got that special classification of being a twin anymore, just the memories of having once been one.

I upset Mum the other day by accident. She is so torn up over you. I just walked in the door and she thought that I was you, that I was Fred. She cried and said a lot of touching things before I could talk her around to the fact that I wasn't you at all. In the dark of the nights those things she said haunt me. Would she still be saying them if it were the other way around? If I had died instead of you? I don't want to think that way. I want to think of the carousel and our happy family. Even within that unit we were special. We always had each other. Had.

Carousel horses, seem so glad

But their eyes are all so sad

I'm here all alone now. I had a nightmare like this once when we were little. You disappeared into thin air and I ran through the dark space in my mind trying to find you, trying my hardest to bring you back. I woke up crying to find that you were still there beside me. I'm pretty sure that was the only other time we've ever been apart for a long space of time.

Maybe I would heal better if I couldn't see you. But I do of course. I see you in my reflection in the bathroom mirror, in the glass windows and even looking at my hands. I know everyone else sees it too. They can't look at me because you are mirrored in everything that I do and the hurt of that is still too painful. I want to die too. Come and join you wherever you are. Because maybe then there won't be this bloody gaping hole inside of me where a piece of you used to be. Maybe then there wouldn't be this same fucking ache in my chest day after day, night after night. And maybe our own mother wouldn't cry when she sees me. But I can't die. I just can't. Somehow they need me here.

Carousel horses, start to fall

Down comes one, down come all

But I could die. All it would take it would be one little step off this chair and I'd be whole again. I can't decide. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to keep hurting.

I can't even decide one way or the other without you.

But I'm going to.

One way or the other.

Carousel horses, start to fall

Down comes one, down come all