Inevitable

"Everything is changing." In retrospect, neither would be sure who had said it. The wind outside was howling. To the rest of the world it sounded like a menacing, wailing cacophony, to them it was a lullaby. Familiar and cradling, it spoke the words that they had never been able to; "passion", "freedom", "forever", "reckless". The wind had a way with words. He envied it that.

"I love her, Remus. I do." It sounded like a statement, a simple fact. They both knew it was more than that. It was a challenge, an apology, and a plea.

"I know." It was the easiest answer and they both knew that, too. The other answers came harder, and they would change things that neither of them were ready to change. He could have said that he didn't love her as much, but that would be an insult and a lie. He could have said that she didn't need him as much as he did, but he was too proud. He should have asked if she made him thoughtless. That was Remus' gift. ("I think, Remus. I can't stop. I envy Siris, who never worries or thinks things through. His life is an impulse. I can never be like that. It's only here - with you - that my mind is quiet. You make me still.) He was afraid to know the answer, though. His gift, cherished and cradled during the long days when they were apart, would become meaningless if it was shared. "Does she know?"

"I don't think so." Silence, heavy and awkward. Outside the wind battered against the barred windows, demanding answers for the questions they couldn't ask. "Do you think I should tell her?"

A shrug, slight frame shuddering as slim shoulders rose and fell, "Lily would understand."

"How could she?" How could she understand when he didn't? Remus knew that's what James meant. But then, he always knew what James meant. "What will you do?"

He laughed, hollow and dark. The moonlight cracked its way through the storm clouds and glistened for a moment on white teeth that clacked together in a wolfish, mirthless grin. "I doubt it'd be any of your business anymore."

He felt him bridle, pull away. He could see the hurt in the set of his shoulders, in the nervous fingers that combed through his black hair. "I only meant-"

"I know what you meant." He watched for a moment as he drew the cloak around himself like a blanket. He disappeared beneath it, became just a pale profile framed by hair that blended with the darkness of the cabin. "I don't know James. You want me to say I won't go back to him? That I'll smile at your wedding and make my lonely way in the world? I can't promise you that. And you wouldn't want me to, even if I could."

"I know. And I'm not getting married."

"No. Not yet."

James turned to face him, and there was a strange accusation in his eyes. "You've always loved him."

Remus hadn't expected him to say it out loud. He never had. It was always there, that question. It was in the hands that stroked, knowing they weren't the first; in the mouth that burned, wondering if it was the one he thought of most; in the eyes that watched, searching for signs that they were the best loved. "I never denied that." And he wouldn't. He did love him. He always had. He loved them both. It was as much a curse as the one that twisted his body at every new moon.

James went quiet. Remus wished he would just speak. Sirius was so much simpler. He held nothing inside. Whatever he felt, whatever he wanted, it came out in a torrent of words and emotion. James went silent when he hurt, sought solitude when he was confused. Remus didn't know what he did. He knew them so much better than he knew himself, after all. "Is everything going to change?"

James was the strongest of them. They followed him - they always had. Remus was the intellect, cool and calm and well thought out, Sirius was the muscle, all sudden action and wild yearnings, Peter was the follower, they all shined a bit brighter because they were filtered through his eyes. But James was their heart and their center. To most people he was a strong shoulder, a charming smile, a mischievous mind. It was only here - in these few moments - that he let himself be what he thought of as weak and needy. He looked at Remus now with a liquid gaze, nothing hidden. He wanted to reassure him. To say that nothing would change. To say they would always have this, each other, these endless moments where they could drown in one another's presence. But it would be a lie. "Things always change."

He sighed. "You know, you used to just answer a question. Sometimes I think you're cryptic just to annoy me."

Remus smiled. "No. More to annoy Sirius than you."

He laughed, short and brittle, but still honest. The cloak fell away and he leaned forward, long fingered hands clasping together. "Moony . . . If you ask . . . I would . . ."

He closed his eyes. It would be so easy. The words were there. "Don't do this." "Stay with me." "I love you." And he would stay, because he was James, because he would believe he was happy, because he wanted to make everyone happy. "I can't."

"Why?"