The Error of My Ways

Chapter Six: Several Conversations

 

Although Hermione was not allowed to attend the first week of classes, she insisted that Ron and Harry bring her homework to the infirmary where she carefully completed it. They filled her in on all the happenings.

 "Neville destroyed a record three cauldrons in one day."

 "And he turned a fourth one a lovely shade of green today…pretty amazing!"

 "No, amazing would describe the change in Snape."

 "Yeah, he is being sort of civil to all the students…even the Gryffindors. I never thought I'd see the day."

 "This attack on you has bothered him a lot. There is this strange pause when he calls attendance and comes to your name…he never skips it though. I don't know. Maybe Voldemort caught him by surprise with this attack."

 "Or maybe he found out about it too late to be able to do anything. If you ask me, he looks a lot more pale than usual and those circles under his eyes make him look like a raccoon…a scowling, hook-nosed raccoon."

 "The spying is getting to him. It has been over two years now since he has had to do this…he must be ready to crack. Can you imagine, trying to keep track of all the lies, trying to be You-Know-Who's most intimate confidant when all you are trying to do is destroy him and trying to appear like the world's mightiest bastard when, in fact, he is actually a…well, a good guy…sort of."

 "On another note, Draco is being his usual annoying self…the stupid git."

 "Luckily he hasn't said anything nasty about you or else he would be the amazing ferret boy once again."

 "You know, it is sort of strange that he hasn't said something about the whole thing. He would usually be the first to revel in anything like this. Oh well, McGonagall has been worried sick over you, Hermione, not that that is news to you."

 "Yeah, no one else can change their white dove into a porcelain teapot and the old girl is getting frustrated."

 "Well, Seamus did manage to change it into something."

 "Changing it into a black pigeon was not what she had in mind."

 "Oh, and Hermione, you are going to love this one. Hagrid has managed to procure a baby Chimera for Care of Magical Creatures. For some reason, Dumbledore is okay with it…maybe it will provide security for Hogwarts when it's grown. Hagrid couldn't be happier."

 "Baby chimeras are pretty interesting…even Lavender thought it was kind of cute."

 "Lupin is one of the best, hands down. He is a natural at Defence Against the Dark Arts and we all look forward to his classes. Even the Slytherins treat him better now…maybe they are afraid he will track them down on a full moon if they don't. Hah…even a werewolf has better taste than that."

 "We are learning detection spells to see if someone has hexed our food or drinks and we are learning perimeter spells to protect our houses or rooms from the more common curses and attacks. It is pretty neat stuff."

 "History of Magic is pretty good too."

 "Come on Ron, Percy is doing great. What a difference a living teacher makes."

 "Okay, he is a pretty good teacher. I'll grant him that. I've always said that he enjoys nothing better than the sound of his own voice."

 "He is pretty popular too. The girls go crazy over him."

 "That's just because he is the youngest professor here and the only one even remotely close to their age. Stupid twits. As if Pompous Percy has one thought in his brain that doesn't have something to do with his job at Hogwarts and whatever else Dumbledore is asking him to do. He doesn't have a heart and anything he did have was destroyed by that…that…"

 "You're talking about Penelope, right?"

 "Yeah, she sure played him for a fool. You know, I sort of feel sorry for him. The one time he actually thinks with his heart rather than that overstuffed head of his and he ends up being betrayed like that. Pretty horrible if you ask me. 'Course, he never shows anything so I don't know how hurt he actually was…bit of a cold fish, really. Don't know if he will ever want to try his luck again after that fiasco."

 Hermione pondered over this new information. She immediately felt a surge of dislike for the girl who had spurned Percy's affection. It must have been horrible…whatever the situation was. But she did not agree with Ron's assessment of Percy's personality. He was not cold, aloof or pompous…at least, not with her.

 Hermione was shaken out of her reverie by her friends' continued banter.

 "Oh, and we've saved the best for last, Hermione."

 "Yeah, Divination has always been our most beloved subject - ha and double ha!! Well, after Trelawney goes into her usual spiel about Harry's pending and particularly gruesome death, she made a prediction about you, which is strange since you aren't even in her class."

 "It was priceless…something about your heart triumphing over your mind and that…what was it?"

 "Love will find you despite your best efforts."

 "Don't believe a word that crackpot says. She's just an old fraud."

 

 Hermione listened to every word her friends said and felt a sense of déja-vu when she heard what Professor Trelawney had said…although she couldn't think why. When Harry and Ron were there with her, she felt much stronger and less scared. She had told them the whole story of what had happened and, much as Madam Pomfrey said, they told her how brave she was and that they would help her get through this.

 "Besides," Harry grinned, "I can't defeat Voldemort without you. No offence, Ron."

 Ginny usually came to visit during lunch hour and soon settled into a comfortable routine of bringing Hermione up to date on the latest gossip and who liked who and who was going with whom and who was breaking up with whom. Ginny thought it was pretty funny that a lot of the 6^th and 7^th year girls were trying to catch Percy's eye, not that she thought anyone really had a chance with him.

 "He just doesn't feel anything," the youngest Weasley summed it up.

 When she talked about Harry, it became obvious to Hermione that Ginny still loved him very much and was hopeful that this year would be the one where he would notice her. Hermione made a mental note to talk to Harry about that. After all, she was the only one who knew that Harry loved Ginny but was scared to approach her because Voldemort might target her if they became a couple.

 Neville, Seamus and Dean usually visited in the mornings between breakfast and first class. They always brought her pumpkin juice even though she could have anything she wanted from Madam Pomfrey. They talked about homework and NEWTs and discussed the possibility of setting up a study group, possibly with one of the professors, in order to properly prepare for the exhausting tests.

 "With a study group like that, " Neville smiled, "I might even be able to beat you, Hermione!"

 Several other people visited as well. Dumbledore and Hagrid popped in frequently to check how she was doing. Professor McGonagall was in at least three times daily to make sure she was eating and sleeping properly. For some reason, she was always giving Madam Pomfrey advice on healing potions (which Madam Pomfrey ignored). Even Professor Snape had come in to see her…

* * * * *

 She had been dozing and had felt a presence near her. Forcing her eyes open, she saw Professor Snape sitting in a chair beside her bed. He looked pensive and somewhat sad. Yes, the dark circles under his eyes were very pronounced and, despite the fact that he looked somewhat better physically, one had the impression that his soul was under extreme duress. She felt sorry for him…his role could not be an easy one to bear.

"Madam Pomfrey wasn't too keen on my being here. She thought it might upset you."

 "It doesn't. Please stay."

 "How are you feeling?"

 "I'm getting better, I suppose. However, having said that, I would like to wake up tomorrow and forget that this ever happened."

 Professor Snape sighed and Hermione got the impression that, in that sigh, was carried the weight of the world.

 "Memory charms do little to take away the pain of a traumatic experience. You only feel the pain and you don't know why it is there. I know this for a fact."

 Hermione looked at him closely.

 "What happened to you that made you choose the path you are on?" she wondered to herself, "You look at me as if…as if you see a part of yourself that you have lost. That doesn't make any sense…does it?"

 "I just wanted you to know that, despite appearances, I am on your side, and that if there is anything you need, please do not hesitate to come to me. Madam Pomfrey's knowledge of healing potions is formidable but mine is better. I know I have never shown it…never really been my station to show favour to anyone outside of Slytherin, but you are the best student I have had in a very long time and I admire your intelligence and respect your courage."

 "Thank you, Professor. Your vote of confidence means a great deal to me."

 She had smiled at him, the first time she could recall doing that. His face broke into a small grin as well and she had marveled at the difference. He looked almost human!! He touched her hair awkwardly, almost paternally, then he got up abruptly.

 "I'll expect you in Potions next week and don't think you will get any preferential treatment. I will expect the same Hermione Granger and the same 110% effort you always give." He said in a severe voice but with a definite gleam in his eye.

 "I won't disappoint you, Professor Snape," she replied, just as seriously and with a matching gleam.

 He nodded and left.

* * * * *

 Hermione sank against the pillows of her bed and massaged her temples slowly. She had all these feelings inside of her but she couldn't talk about them with anyone. It was as if putting them into words somehow diminished them. Harry and Ron had enough to deal with; she didn't want to be a burden on them. She was not ready to talk to her parents about this. She had to talk to someone.

 Her questions became more and more unfocussed as her body succumbed to sleep. Her long brown tresses fanned out around her and her face relaxed as her cares drifted away. Everything was still and quiet save for the soft sounds of Hermione's breathing. Without realizing it, she began to dream…

 She was walking along a deserted corridor in Hogwarts and talking to someone. There was a noise and the unmistakable crackle of a wand being put to dark use. Suddenly she was pushed to the ground, hard. Someone was trying to protect her but they were losing and she realized that she had to go with the dark beings if she was going to save this person's life. She felt herself tugged along unmercifully and the screams grew fainter…

 She awoke and sat bolt upright in her bed, covered with a slick sheen of cold sweat. She put her face in her hands and started crying. What was that all about? Wasn't Madam Pomfrey's potion supposed to prevent her from having nightmares? Who was that man with her? She couldn't place the voice at all because it had all sounded so muffled. She reached over to the bedside table for a handkerchief and then…

 …someone handed it to her.

 Turning in fright, she nearly screeched in horror when she saw Percy sitting in a chair next to her bed. He looked as if he had been scared out of sleep himself.

 "I…I am so sorry, Percy. I wasn't expecting…I panicked, " she began spluttering.

 "It's okay. Are you all right?" he asked softly.

 Hermione looked at him in surprise, "What are you doing here?"

 Percy shifted in the chair rather uncomfortably.

  "I have been in here each night…don't worry…Dumbledore asked me to keep an eye on you."

 Hermione nodded uncertainly. Percy could see that she was still somewhat fearful.

 "Can you tell me what happened? I have never been much good at interpreting dreams but keeping that sort of thing inside you isn’t healthy. You were moaning something about having to go somewhere and you were practically tearing your sheets apart. I tried to wake you up but couldn't…then, you just screamed and…well…here we are"

 Hermione searched Percy's warm hazel-brown eyes and saw that his concern for her was genuine. Being with him made her feel so safe. His hand reached out to touch hers…gently. She looked down at the contact and then looked into his eyes again. That look of love was there again. It was unmistakable.

 "You can tell me anything. I promise I will listen," he said quietly.

 And so, with a quiet sigh, she told him about her dream, how it had been recurring night after night since the attack, getting more and more detailed and more and more frightening. She found herself telling him about the attack itself and about how frightened and helpless she had been feeling lately. She found herself telling him everything…well, almost everything.

 Percy could see the uncertainty in her eyes as she waited for him to respond. He knew she had to be feeling vulnerable after revealing her feelings like that.

 "I wish I could see your carefree smile once again…that smile that reaches your eyes and lights up your entire face," he thought wistfully.

 "Hermione," he began, "you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You have been through a harrowing experience and you have to realize that this whole thought-process you are going through, these feelings you are experiencing, this is all completely normal."

 "Why do I feel I will never be normal again?"

 "You will. These things take time. You can't expect to go through what you did and be back to your old self the next morning."

 "I'm just afraid of what people will say about me behind my back."

 "Don't concern yourself with what others are saying about you."

 "That's easy for you to say, Percy. When have you ever given anyone cause to gossip?" she immediately regretted saying those words as she saw a flash of anger cross his eyes. He stood up.

 "When I found out about Penelope, I went through a period of the deepest depression possible. I had planned to ask her to marry me…she was my entire life. I felt that everyone was staring at me, pitying me, trying to figure out what fault of mine it was that caused Penny to go off with that…that…well, it took me a long time to realize two things: that concerning myself about what others were saying about me was a waste of time and, more importantly, people are usually too busy with their own lives to concern themselves with what others are doing."

 Percy sat down on Hermione's bed and took her now-cold hands in his and looked into her pale face. He regretted his anger almost immediately as he looked at the pained expression in her eyes.

 "I'm sorry about that. It is something best left in the past. I just…I just want you to know that I do understand."

 Hermione looked down and saw how her hands seemed so tiny clasped within Percy's.

 Looking up at Percy, she admitted something she had never told anyone else, "I'm scared…I have always been so concerned about something happening to Harry or Ron that…"

 "You forgot that you could be hurt as well?"

 Hermione didn't look up.

 "I don't want Voldemort to win and I am willing to do anything, make any sacrifice in order to make sure that doesn't happen…but death scares me. There is so much I haven't accomplished yet in my life, so many things I want…I want…" She whispered unsteadily.

 Percy placed a hand under her chin and tilted her head up. She was crying again…tears moving precariously down her pale cheeks, lips trembling. He tried to find the words to comfort her, to strengthen her but his mind went blank. There was a look in her eyes, a desperate longing that drew him closer to her, close enough that he could feel her warm breath against his skin. Leaning forward, his lips brushed hers. He paused to look at her again. She did not back away from him. Closing his eyes in submission, he kissed her again, very gently. He felt her hand caress his face and his kiss returned.

 Although every cell in his brain was telling him to stop, Percy was lost in a tidal wave of emotions he had sought to suppress for far too long. He realized that his feelings for Hermione went beyond simple friendship. He loved her and, since Percy was never one to do things by halves, he loved her with every ounce of his being. The fact that this knowledge was awakened by nothing more than the most delicate and chaste of kisses astounded him.

 "If I could only hold you and never have to let you go…that would be enough for me," he thought.

 Hermione was lost in the sweetness of the moment. She knew she loved him and she never wanted the moment to end.

 "If only you never had to leave me alone, if I could be with you always…that would be enough for me," she thought.

 They separated reluctantly and looked at each other quietly for several long moments.

 Percy cleared his throat…

 "Hermione…I'm sorry about that…I can't…"

 She just looked at him with a wistful expression.

 "I know," was all she said…in a voice he could only just hear.

 "If you could only see how much this is hurting me," he thought, "I can't risk failing in my mission. It's not just us…there is so much more at stake. I can't let you get so close to me. You don't know what dangerous times these are. I can't get distracted. Why does this have to be so damn difficult? Why did I have to fall in love with you now?"

 Hermione could see that he was fighting an internal battle, one to which she already knew the outcome.

 "Percy," Hermione suddenly spoke, "I think you had better go."

 He looked at her. He wanted to wipe that sad expression from her face forever, to hold her and kiss her and never be apart again. That was not possible. So he nodded, got up and, with an apologetic smile, left the infirmary.

 He closed the door quietly, closed his eyes, and leaned against it in defeat for long moments. He could hear her quiet crying and it took every ounce of determination to not rush in and…

 "I can't let this happen…this is wrong," he thought to himself, trying to regain some semblance of self-control. He could not deny that kissing her had felt…felt so right.

 The sound of approaching footsteps caused him to open his eyes. It was Professor Snape.

 "Professor Weasley? What are you doing out here at this hour of the night?" he asked.

 "I..I was watching over Miss Granger," Percy answered quickly. Technically speaking, that was not a lie.

 Professor Snape looked at the young man and Percy was surprised to see an expression of pity cross the older man's face. He clapped Percy's shoulder in a supportive way.

 "I do not mean to barrage you with questions. The Headmaster asked me to find you and I knew you might still be here at the infirmary. Come, we will go together."

 Percy wordlessly followed Professor Snape to the entrance of Dumbledore's quarters.

 "Sugar quill," Snape said to the gargoyle which immediately allowed them entrance. Snape turned to Percy with a serious expression.

 " I know this is particularly difficult for you. I only have one piece of advice and I urge you to heed it well. Some decisions are better left to your heart. Don't make the same mistakes I did."

 "I don't want to hurt her," he answered.

 "You will only end up hurting both of you if you persist in this present course of action."

 "She doesn't know what danger she is in."

 "Then perhaps you should tell her."

 "She has been through enough!"

 "She deserves to know the truth…" something strange flickered across Professor Snape's face when he said this. Percy could not tell what it was.

 "Yes, she deserves to know the truth…all of it…Percy, you may go up now. Remember what I told you and please give my regards to the Headmaster. He is aware of where I am going and I will bring news in the morning."

 "Good luck."

 Professor Snape nodded and went back down the corridor, a shadowy figure in the shadowy night.

 Percy found himself at the door to Dumbledore's private chambers and knocked politely.

 "What else does she not know?" he wondered as he waited.