The Error of My Ways

 Chapter Three: On the Outside Looking In

 

 Percy looked at the small bottle in his hand and debated whether or not he should take its contents as recommended. It really wasn't like him not to be decisive and in control but the last couple of years had taken a toll on him even if he did not show that fact to the rest of the world.

 "Twenty one years old, great job, reasonably good looking, good health, a great family…what more do I want?" he asked himself.

 "What indeed?" his mind answered in a rather snide way.

 "I have a perfect life," he got up and walked to the mirror in his room. He wasn't home often and he told himself that was the reason he was having trouble sleeping.

 "My dear, you have a wonderful life but it is cold, bleak and empty," the mirror remarked.

 Percy frowned at the intrusive piece of furniture.

 "It would almost be worth the seven years bad luck just to smash the thing," he thought, then he sighed, "I had better take a walk. I'm never going to sleep like this." Percy threw on a light robe and stepped out of his room, closing the door carefully behind him.

 The Burrow was a quiet place in the middle of the night. With all the assorted Weasleys passing through like redheaded hurricanes, it seemed to be the only time when tranquility reigned. Well, unless you counted Fred and George's synchronized snoring, Ron's whistling and Ginny's giggles. He couldn't remember whether Bill and Charlie had been peaceful sleepers or not. He frowned in the darkness. For some reason, not remembering bothered him.

 The only person he peeked in on before heading out was his sister, Ginny. He loved her the best and was, he admitted freely, a little over-protective of her. She was sleeping quietly except for the occasional giggle, her red hair draping over her pillow.

 

 "Probably dreaming about Harry," he thought. Well, he wasn't blind, was he? He could see how the two acted around one another even if no one else did.

 "Besides," he rationalized, "he is probably the only one I would consider to be worthy of her."

 He closed her door again and walked out of the house. He was beginning to feel somewhat suffocated and needed the fresh air.

 It was a warm late-summer night and Percy breathed the night air in deeply. Looking up, he gazed thoughtfully at the few stars visible behind rather ominous-looking clouds. He then noticed the moon, beautiful and creamy-white, floating majestically in the sky…queen of the night sky. It made him think of Professor Lupin.

 "A thing of beauty is a joy forever…someone said that once a long time ago…for poor Professor Lupin this celestial thing of beauty is a curse forever," he thought.

 Looking around, he quickly chose a trail through the surrounding countryside and started walking. The ground was cool and damp and the atmosphere was peaceful, tranquil and even the normal sounds of owls hooting softly or the scurrying of raccoons simply added to the calming effect.

 He finally reached the creek and sat down on a rock adjacent to it. He took off his boots and his socks and dangled his feet in the cool water. For a long moment, he simply drank in the sensation of being alone.

 

"But is that what you really want?" a part of himself asked. He knew what his answer was.

 Some time ago he would have admitted it freely. That was when his heart had not been broken. When he believed that Amor Omnia Vincit…love conquered all. That was when he thought he had found someone that could take away the awful loneliness he always felt….before…his world came crashing down around him when he learned that he had been played for a fool. He never showed how hurt he had been. No one could have ever guessed the depths to which he had sunk…no one was privy to that.

 He sighed.

 "Part of my problem," he admitted, " is that I have always isolated myself…even from my own family. Always held something back. Don't show weakness. Don’t show hesitation. Don't show anything. Keep all your feelings inside and present a calm and cultured face to the world. All I wanted was to make them proud of me…what has happened to me since then? I can't even remember the last time I hugged Mom."

 Percy stared stonily at the bubbling water of the brook. He wished, for a fierce and wild moment, that he could be as carefree as that. He quickly tossed that thought away.

 "I have responsibilities now…important responsibilities. I have people who are counting on me. I have an important assignment coming up at Hogwarts. Dumbledore himself picked me for this and, even though I knew it was both risky and complicated, I took it. It is what I have always strived for, a chance to prove myself worthy. Why can I not be happy with just that? Why do I want something more? Why do I want to risk getting hurt all over again?"

 He lifted his feet from the cool water and placed them on the rock. Hugging his knees tightly, Percy closed his eyes and thought of a soft and gentle kiss, naïve yet full of promise. Her voice had reminded him of the dreams that had haunted him since…well, for quite some time. Dreams that had practically made him a living zombie. In fact, it hadn't been until he had obtained the Potion of Dreamless Sleep that he had been able to maintain some semblance of normality in his everyday life.

 

"Normal…hah…everyone thinks I am in control of every aspect in my life. If they could see what I hide…" he thought.

 But he had quickly built up a tolerance to the potion so that it was no longer infallible. He could remember snippets of those dreams from time to time, like those muggle photographs that didn't move…individual vignettes of a subconscious nocturnal journey, which was always the same. Someone calling him…a warm touch…a soft kiss…someone needing him, wanting him…then emptiness. That was the worst part.

 "I don't want this emptiness…this loneliness. I don't always want to be on the outside looking in, I want…" the false exterior of pride cracked momentarily as he pondered what his heart was telling him. For several moments, he just sat there, rocking slightly, trying to ease the ache in his heart.

 Feeling something falling on his hair, Percy opened his eyes and, looking up, saw that it was beginning to rain. He quickly put his socks and boots back on and, wrapping his robe around himself tightly, walked quickly back to the house. He entered quietly and hurried to his room.

 Throwing on his nightshirt, his eye fell on the bottle once again. He picked it up and frowned at it.

 "What am I going to do?" he wondered.

 Not even the mirror had an answer for once.