Conquered

Chapter 3

Sirius

It had been a week since the first day of school. Seven days of utter confusion, and a sexual identity crisis. And I am not exaggerating. Was I gay? Bi? Straight but crazy? When had that all become so confusing? It was all Remus' fault, damn it, why did he have to be so attractive?

I had been testing myself all that week- staring at women, and staring at men; wanking to the thought of women, and wanking to the thought of men... well, just one man. I still cannot figure it out though, what turns me on? I need to have some action with a girl, test if I like it or not.

It would all have been so much easier if had been attracted to more than one bloke. But it was only Remus. And some days I told myself I was straight, and some days I told myself I was gay. And other days I tell myself that it's okay and I can be bi.

So there I was, alone in the common room. It was around midnight, and I couldn't go to sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about that whole sexual identity crisis. Unexpectedly, however, somebody came through the portrait hole and stepped into the common room, interrupting my thoughts momentarily.

"Sirius, is that you? What are you doing up so late?" It was only Rose, looking a bit flushed and disheveled; she was probably coming back from some action she'd been getting that night. I didn't even know what to say- I just shrugged, and stared, and thought. But Rose didn't leave, and suddenly I was hit with a great idea: Rose is pretty- I could shag her, and see if I like it. It occurred to me that that might be a mean thing to do, using my friend to solve my own crisis, but then I reasoned that she would understand.

"I was just studying a little bit. Want to join me?" Although my voice was seductive, I felt nothing. I heard Rose sigh. It was weird, as if she knew my exact intentions- not only the fact that I wanted to shag her, but also why. She sat next to me, and I played the seductive role again.

"You know, Rose, you have the most sensual lips..." and then I leaned in and I kissed her. She kissed me back; I deepened the kiss and stuck my tongue into her mouth. Nothing. It was quite boring, kind of like a chore. I felt like I was just trying to please the other person, that there was nothing there; no hard-on, no pleasure. Just my tongue against hers. At that moment I realized that I was gay.

I pushed her away, saying, "Rose, I can't... I mean, it's not that you're not pretty- it's just that..." I was at a loss for words. How was I supposed to explain to my friend that I wanted to see if I was gay or not by fucking her, but before we could be done with kissing I had realized that nothing was there?

She saved me the trouble. "Okay, let me guess," she said. "You've been going through a sexual identity crisis and you wanted to know whether you are straight or not. I guess it turns out you're gay. It's fine, that's what Rose is for, right? Hogwart's little slut?" She stood up quickly. "Good night, Sirius, and good luck with being gay." And with that she started crying, and ran off to the girl's dormitory before I could do anything.

"Whenever I think back on that evening, I feel horrible- what kind of an asshole was I to use my friend like that? At the time, though, I didn't care too much. There were more important matters at hand." There were more important matters at hand; I was gay. I guess I expected that that realization would feel horrible, but it didn't. A sort of peace flooded over me, an amazing happiness and freedom. I could think of Remus, and there would be no confusion. I need a cigarette...

It was times like those, sitting on the windowsill next to my bed and smoking a cigarette, that I loved muggles for their inventions. I put the cigarette between my lips, and lit it with my wand. I watched the little puffs of smoke disappear into the dark sky

It was a beautiful night out; the stars were numerous, and the moon looked like a little silver toe-nail clipping in the dark sky.

It felt as if I was a different person altogether, and that everyday things would now reflect that. Sleeping with six other men in the same room; taking my showers and changing my clothes, all in the presence of men.

"I'm gay." I whispered out loud, but directed the statement towards myself.

As I looked out the window into the majestic night sky I found myself wanting to go outside, and lie on the cool grass and look at the stars.

I heard somebody shuffle in their sleep, and the next thing I knew I heard Remus' husky voice asking me for a cigarette...

Remus

I had been watching him the whole time, of course. I had watched him enter the dormitory with a sad but peaceful look on his face. I had watched him sit on the windowsill and smoke a cigarette, the moon giving enough light to illuminate him though it was only a tiny sliver in the sky. He had looked pensive at first, then a little bit worried. I had watched the expressions on his face, and I had memorized them. How he held his hand with the cigarette in it: under his chin, creating the clichéd pensive look. I had watched the switch between pensive and worried; how he took a deep puff off the cigarette, and looked out the window.

I had also heard him whisper, "I am gay" Into the dark night. Well, that was a surprise- this was Sirius, the most handsome guy at Hogwarts, the one all the girls wished to have, the same Sirius that had probably laid most of the girls in our year. And now this Sirius was gay?

If this alien feeling of passion had not driven me, I would have never gotten up, but it felt right to join him right there, smoking a cigarette. As I walked from my bed to the windowsill, I found myself not knowing what to say. He looked so beautiful right then; I thought my voice might betray my feelings.

I thought that a cigarette would calm me down, so I found myself saying, "Hey, Sirius, mind if I join you for a smoke?"

I don't think he was expecting that- his head turned quickly, and he stared at me in disbelief before nodding his head slowly. I sat down on the windowsill and I took a cigarette. I found in myself a mood of daring that I had never known before, a type of confidence. Had I not been drunk by this feeling, I never would have said, "So, you're gay then?"

The reaction Sirius gave was almost comical; he dropped his cigarette, and whispered, "What did you say? Oh God, you heard it, didn't you? Shit." I felt a bit bad; he obviously thought that I would make fun of him.

"Hey, Sirius, it's okay- I'm bisexual, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Although, I must admit, Mr. Lady's Man being gay is a bit of a shock to me. So, how and when did you figure this out?" And I wasn't lying, it was a shock. But it also opened up so many opportunities.

"It's because of one man," he began to confess, his voice getting steadier. "This one guy... I don't know, I guess I've always lov-liked him... but I only realized it recently. And ever since then it's been a sexual identity crisis, I guess. So then I did something stupid- but I wanted to figure it out, you know? God, Remus, I did something stupid. Rose- I snogged her and then pushed her off, and she started crying, and she ran away, and I couldn't apologize. I hurt her, I guess, but then I figured out that I was gay, and not bi." His voice choked up a bit, "And there's still this guy..."

"Anyone you want to tell me?" Of course I knew, knew it was none of my business. But I was feeling daring, and how could I resist?

I didn't expect such a look of horror on his face though when he said, "No, I can't tell you. You would laugh, everything would be ruined between...' He coughed to cover up his obvious slip of words. "So, you're bi, then?" he was obviously trying to change the subject, but I didn't push it.

"What can I say? Free love!" I said with a bit of a chuckle. He grinned as he looked out of the window. And we just sat there, on the windowsill smoking our cigarettes, and saying nothing. That feeling rose in my chest again; that powerful feeling of longing, of needing warmth, love, anything from the person sitting across from me. I found myself staring at his face, my soul full of this longing. It took all the will power in the world to stop me from kissing him right there. His lips were slightly parted, and red; I studied every part of him. Every part that I knew I could never have. Every few seconds I would tell myself just do it, just lean over and kiss him! But I couldn't; I couldn't just lean over and kiss him.

So we continued to sit there on the windowsill, and we finished our cigarettes, but Sirius took out another one; Sirius never chain smoked unless something was wrong. He handed me one too, and I took it, wanting to spend more time with him in the moonlight like this.

"You know Sirius, if there's something wrong, you can tell me. I would understand, especially about the whole gay thing." I was true to my words; I really did want to help him.

He snapped out of his reverie, and looked at me with wide, grateful and surprised eyes, "I know, Remus; I can always come to you..." He was being abnormally quiet.

It was nice, being with him, smoking our cigarettes, and I didn't want anything to ruin our friendship, and I couldn't help feeling that if I sat with him any longer, then this instinctual part of me, I guess the wolf part of me, would take over and I would ruin it for everyone.

So I finished my cigarette and said goodnight to Sirius, and as I lay in my bed, I thought about the situation. Sirius was gay; that changed a lot of things. There was a sudden hope that I could finally have him. Part of me, of course, told me that the chances of this happening remained slim- still, the hope was there, and it would not go away. Or was I just being optimistic to the point of foolishness?

Sirius

The next day was a day to patch things up with Rose- and to understand what had happened the night before with Remus.

After Remus had left, I'd felt a... a void, if that was possible- to feel the absence of something instead of something that is there. Evidently it is possible because I felt it. And it's not something I like to feel at all...

My perfect opportunity to apologize to Rose came that day at breakfast. I saw her walking from the Gryffindor table by herself and I pulled her aside. But when I looked at her I found that I had no idea what to say.

"Rose..." And then I let it all out, told her everything. I told her about my sexual identity crisis, and I even told her about how Remus is the one that I lov-like. No I don't love Remus, for God's sake, I'm only seventeen! I have potential to love him, but I don't yet. I don't take "love" lightly.

I told her about my feeling of longing that makes my chest hurt, I told her about the night before and about my uncertainty about what to do, and I told her about how much of an arse I was for not even thinking before doing something.

" Hey, Sirius, it's all good- I mean, it's like this, man: I have done shit with a lot of people, guys and girls alike, with people I hate, and people who are my friends. The young, the old, the ugly, the pretty. I've screwed pretty much all of them. And it's all because I've been searching to remedy this empty void I've been feeling. It aches with longing, kind of like what you're saying. So I have sex, and I snog people, and for that moment it remedies the feeling. But then I just feel the same again. So I don't blame you. I'm not angry at you, either. I blame myself." She smiled a kind of said smile and said, "And that is the drama of Rose" and she laughed that scratchy laugh that isn't a happy laugh. I felt bad for her, and sincerely hoped that she could someday find the solution to that problem- but I was happy and immensely relieved that she did not blame me. It felt like a weight had been taken off of my shoulders.

Only ten minutes into Binn's class, and James was fast asleep- and drooling out of the corner of his mouth. Peter was snacking on some toast he hadn't finish at breakfast, and Remus was taking notes, but looking half dead. I was actually devising some ideas for our sixth year of Marauding. It had become a tradition, at the beginning of each year to put together some goals and plans for tricks, spells, pranks and more.

I was trying to figure out a way that all four of us could sneak into the kitchens at night; we couldn't all fit in the invisibility cloak at once. My head was running with ideas, all of them bad, but I felt like I was getting close to a brilliant idea... and then I thought of it. In my excitement I nearly gasped out loud, but managed to change it into a cough. I quickly scrawled down an outline of my idea, replicated it twice, and flew them to James, Peter, and Remus.

It took James a moment to wake up, and Peter dropped his piece of toast in surprise, but they all managed to unfold the papers without Binns noticing anything. They looked down at the papers, read them quickly and gave me thumbs up. My idea was to make a map, a map that would show all of Hogwarts, and where people are at certain times. This map would also have a password that only we would know. I thought it would be a brilliant idea, but it would be quite hard to make; locking and unlocking charms, tracing charms, and not to mention the actual mapping of all of Hogwarts. It would be tough work, but if we were able to finish it by this year, it would be amazing...

"We could sneak into the Restriction Section in the library!"

"We could sneak into the kitchens to get food!"

"We could sneak into the Slytherin common room and dye all of the Slytherins' hair pink!"

We were all in the library searching for things that could help us with the map, and discussing what we could use it for. Remus was pouring through Most Advanced Charms, and other books to try to find a way to make the map able to trace every student and teacher. James was working on looking for good enough locking and unlocking charms that would work with a word or phrase. Peter was looking up different methods of doing the actual mapping of such a large place like Hogwarts. I was trying to search for a way that we could charm the map to be able to see people's intentions for using the map when they used the spell "revealio". For example, if a student gets caught with the map and quickly locks it, a teacher would be suspicious and say "revealio." The map would then be able to sense the person's intentions and act accordingly.

This would be the hardest part, but it could allow for future Hogwarts students to be able to "stumble" upon the map, and be able to figure out how to use it.

It was around ten when I decided to turn in. James went with me, and we stopped down at the kitchens first for some apple pie that I was craving then went back up to our dormitories. And then I lay in bed, thinking about what had happened that day, and about Remus... and I realized that I needed Remus in my life as more than a friend. I decided that I was going to make sure that happened, and that I was totally clear about my intentions.