When Did I Start Thinking of Him as "James"?

"Miss Evans--please stay after class. I need to talk to you," said Professor McGonagall just before the bell rang. Lily nodded, and as the rest of the class filed out for dinner, she approached the Professor's desk with some trepidation; somehow, McGonagall always made her nervous.

The N.E.W.T Transfiguration class left, all except for one. James Potter dawdled slightly behind his friends, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, his hazel eyes on Lily. She looked back with cold indifference as he turned and left, but not before throwing her a cheeky wink. She rolled her eyes and turned back to Professor McGonagall.

"I'll try harder, Professor," she said quietly. McGonagall examined her severely over her square glasses.

"No, Miss Evans. I suggest that you get some informal tutoring, if you are interested in working with someone who is very talented in this subject."

"Who would tutor me?" asked Lily. As far as she knew, very few people had natural talent in Transfiguration.

"James Potter has offered to," replied McGonagall, but Lily went absolutely white. Her first impulse was to scream at the mention of the Potter boy, but not wanting to lose face in front of her Head of House, Lily forced down her indignation and anger.

"Professor, James Potter and I do not get along very well--no offense, but I think I'll do better on my own," she said in a tone of forced neutrality. Her teacher gave her an unfathomable look, but to Lily's surprise, she nodded and smiled faintly.

"I realize that, but Miss Evans, you need to be improving within the next three N.E.W.T. classes, or you will need tutoring," said Professor McGonagall. "Now, I suggest you go to dinner." Lily nodded her thanks and left the classroom as quickly as possible. When she reached the Gryffindor Table, she forced down the almost overwhelming urge to strangle--or curse--James Potter as she passed. He threw her another wink, and she bit her lip, longing to deck him. However, she was forced to settle with imagining various humiliations for him. She sat down next to her best friend, Melody, not really hearing her friend's account of the war's progress.

"--and yeah, it was in the Daily Prophet, the Dark Side's uprising is getting worse, Dumbledore himself said to the International Confederation of Wizards..." Melody stopped suddenly as she caught the detached look on Lily's face. "What's wrong? You look like someone knocked the wind out of you!"

"Practically did," said Lily sourly. She recounted the story of the Transfiguration fiasco to Melody, who listened to the whole story with her eyebrows raised. She shot a look down the table at James Potter, who was animatedly recounting some Quidditch story. When Lily finished, she looked at her friend desperately, asking for help.

"Hmm...I know plenty of girls who would give anything for a private lesson with James Potter, but I guess you don't have much choice. McGonagall only gave you a week to improve. I guess I could ask Remus, see if he can help?" suggested Melody. Lily shook her head--she wasn't quite on speaking terms with Remus Lupin. She'd only said about ten words to him in her whole life. "Alright, I guess you just need to work your arse off if you don't want lessons."

"I thought I was working my arse off," said Lily acidly. Melody laughed and spooned stew into her friend's empty plate. Lily stared blankly at the food, with no appetite at all.

"Eat, girl. It's bad enough without you going anorexic too." Lily smiled and started to eat. They spent the rest of dinner discussing the Dark uprising, which was growing more serious by the day. The current Minister of Magic, Adrian Wiffle, was attempting to suppress the wizards, but Dumbledore was now involved, asking for more drastic action. As the plates cleared, Lily yawned widely.

"I really, really want to go to bed...I really need sleep, but there's all this homework..." Melody put a hand on her shoulder in sympathy, and the two girls headed to the Library to get caught up on their homework. Lily was tackling a fiendishly difficult Transfiguration essay on the conjuring of magical objects when she felt someone reading over her shoulder. She whirled around to see Potter standing there, observing her work with casual ease.

"Potter! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" she hissed furiously. He took a step back, hands raised in mock defeat.

"I just thought you'd like to know, Evans, that conjuring magical objects requires a sharp jab with the wand, not a wave. The larger the object, the harder the jab, and--"

"Shut up, Potter. I don't need your help," she said sourly. Potter's eyes darkened, but he shrugged at her.

"Fine. See you in a week, Evans," he said coolly. He gave a mock bow to both her and Melody before walking away between the shelves.

"Damn annoying bastard..." muttered Lily. Melody rolled her eyes, but said nothing. She was in a different position than any of the other girls. She was on good terms with Potter and his friends, but didn't swoon consistently over him.

"Whatever. Lily, you need to get this done, and I hate to say that I can't help you much," said Melody. She was good in Transfiguration, but could never teach anyone anything. "We could just practice together, but James was right about the wand thing."

A week later, Lily wasn't much better. She was able to conjure fist-sized objects, but still hadn't managed enchanted objects or anything larger than her fist. Professor McGonagall called her after class again, and informed her that she'd be meeting Potter after dinner in the Charms classroom. Lily arrived at dinner than evening in a towering temper.

"What did I do to deserve this? Lessons with that insufferable git!" She slammed her books into the table, sending bits of carrot and casserole flying everywhere. "And I won't be able to learn a damn thing from him!" She grabbed the juice jug a little more forcefully than she'd intended, and sent pumpkin juice sloshing over the table. Scowling heavily, she felt in her bag for her wand.

"Never mind, Lily. I'll do it," said Melody soothingly. "Scourgify!" The mess immediately cleaned itself. Lily gave her friend a grateful and slowly began to eat, the normally good food feeling like ash in her mouth. Why, of all people, did she have to get lessons with Potter? Why couldn't Professor McGonagall teach her herself?

"Because she's always busy, helping against the Dark Uprising," said Melody. Lily blinked--she didn't realize that she had voiced that last thought aloud. "James isn't that bad, he's just a little arrogant at times."

"And annoying, and mean, and bigheaded, and acts like a jerk," muttered Lily.

"He's stopped hexing people in the hallways since you told him off for it."

"Just let me hate James Potter in peace, okay, Melody?" said Lily wearily. Melody smirked, but said nothing. After dinner, Lily picked up her books with a feeling that she'd had lead marbles for dinner. Slowly, she walked to the Charms room. Funny, how walking to her favorite classroom now became a trial with every step. She opened the door slowly.

Potter was already there. "Ah, Evans. I told you I'd see you in a week," he drawled. Lily gave him the filthiest look she could muster. His smirk shrank slightly, but he continued to stand there with a calm look on his face. It was all Lily could do not to slap him. "Now, Evans, wand out, and don't hex me. Vanishing Spells first, for a bit of practice."

"Can you Vanish, Potter?" said Lily cuttingly. Potter's light hazel eyes darkened, just as they had in the library, but he said nothing. He rumpled his hair and pulled out his own wand and several quills and parchment.

"Just do the spell, Evans. Or can't you even manage a Vanishing Spell?" She flushed and managed a few spells, vanishing all the quills and most of the parchment. She then pointed her wand at Potter, attempting to Vanish him. He smirked again, and then told her to conjure a foot-long sheet of parchment. She tried, but only managed a corner.

"Concentrate, Evans. Focus on the length, if that helps, and jab your wand harder," he said wearily, for what seemed the fifteenth time as Lily attempted to conjure the stupid thing. All she managed, however, was to concentrate on how much she hated James Potter. At that moment, she put in all the annoyance that Potter had ever caused her, and thrust it into her spell.

BAM! A foot-long sheet of black parchment appeared on the table beside her. Potter looked rather surprised, but managed to smile slightly nonetheless. "Good, Evans. That was good enough for today. Let's go back to the common room." Lily checked her watch--it was nearly nine. She and Potter walked up to Gryffindor Tower, both too tired to throw nasty comments or even look at each other. Lily climbed into the portrait hole, thinking that that lesson couldn't have gone much worse. As she headed up to the dorm, Potter sarcastically gave her another wink and blew her a kiss on his way up. She made a very rude gesture back and headed for her lovely four-poster, ready for some good therapy reading.

"Hey, Lily," said Melody's voice from behind her curtains. "How was the tutoring?"

"Could've been worse," said Lily grumpily, changing into her pajamas.

"Aren't you even going to do your homework?"

"Nah, too tired. I'll do it tomorrow."

Melody hesitated, then said, "Copy mine, if you like. It's in my bag." She knew that Lily disapproved of copying, but hoped that her friend would swallow her pride just this once.

"Yeah, sure, thanks," mumbled Lily. She pulled the curtains aside and dragged out quill, parchment, and ink. She didn't like to copy, but right now, she'd do anything to keep her mind off of James Potter. She, of course, changed a good deal of the wording and punctuation in the essays, just in case. Melody's curtains remained closed, and she knew that she was meditating. Lily had considered meditation at some time, but had dismissed it. Now, she wondered if that was what made Melody so level-headed and calm most of the time.

The next day, Lily arrived early for her tutoring, still rather cheerful despite her hatred of James Potter. She'd had all her favorite classes that day: Care of Magical Creatures, Charms, and Ancient Runes. She had also been the only one in Charms class to master the Protean Charm, earning her a twenty-point bonus from Flitwick. The minutes ticked by as she waited for Potter. He was nearly seven minutes late when she decided to just go back to the common room. Halfway up to the Tower, she spotted a tapestry hanging open. Curious, she brushed it aside to find herself in a dimly lighted passageway.

To her surprise, Potter was standing there. His face was completely white, his glasses askew, and his hair even messier than ever. He started when he saw her, and she saw that his hand was clamped around a damp-looking letter. "Lessons are canceled, Evans," he said coldly. He turned away from her and began to walk down the passageway.

Despite herself, Lily called after him. "Why? What's wrong, Potter?"

He didn't stop walking. "None of your business, Evans. Leave me alone."

Lily gritted her teeth, her dislike of James Potter battling with her natural curiosity. The latter won, so she followed him down the passage. He turned around to face her, and with a jolt of shock, she saw that his large, hazel eyes were swollen and puffy. "I thought I told you to leave me alone?" His voice was cold, but had started to shake,

"What's wrong, Potter? It's to do with that letter, isn't it?" she asked, trying to keep her voice neutral. She was completely unprepared for his tidal wave of fury.

"FINE! FINE, EVANS! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AND TELL THE WHOLE SCHOOL THAT MY UNCLE AND COUSINS ARE DEAD?! WHY DON'T YOU JUST LAUGH AT ME? TELL EVERYONE, EVEN THE SLYTHERINS, THAT YOU CAUGHT JAMES POTTER CRYING HIS EYES OUT! GO ON! TELL THEM! ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!" He turned away from her, shaking furiously now.

Lily stood there, watching his slender frame shudder violently as he struggled to suppress his emotions. She didn't know what to say. Finally, she simply reached out a hand and gently touched his shoulder. He flinched at her touch and backed away. "Don't you dare say you're sorry, Evans. Because you're not. You wouldn't be sorry if you never saw me like this, would you?" he hissed, trying to maintain some composure. Lily bit her lip and watched numbly as the tears began to roll down his cheeks.

"If you want me to, I can leave," she finally said awkwardly. James was shuddering too hard to draw breath, so she simply turned to go before--wait, since when had she thought of him as James? She turned back to him and carefully, cautiously put an arm around his shoulders. This time, he didn't protest, but leaned against her, still sobbing quietly. Lily didn't know what to think or feel. She'd disliked James Potter for nearly seven years now, yet here she was, with her arm around him, and he was sobbing into her shoulder.

After what seemed like an age, but must've only been a few minutes, he ran out of tears. He didn't pull away, though, but straightened up, still suppressing dry sobs. Lily suddenly had an idea. She reached into her bag, and pulled out a silvery-blue potion. "Here. Drink this. You'll feel better."

"Is this a prank?" he gasped unevenly.

"Draft of Peace, James. You'll feel better." He nodded mutely and drained the little bottle--it wasn't a full dose, just a sample that she'd taken from her cauldron in class. But it was enough to stop his shaking and clear his eyes. He met her eyes again, expressing his thanks. He slowly sat on the floor of the passage, and Lily went with him, still holding an arm around his shoulders. They sat there for a few moments, Lily awkwardly rubbing his back.

"Thanks, Evans," he said quietly. "But--why?"

Lily gulped. "I don't know. It's just--I couldn't leave you like that. You needed someone," she said hesitantly. James managed a weak shadow of his old smile. After a few more minutes of mutual silence, she spoke again. "Do you want to go back to the Tower?" James shook his head and gripped her arm. She sighed quietly and resigned herself to some time here with James. For some odd reason, his fingers on her arm were comforting. She'd always expected him to have rough hands from Quidditch, but they were soft and warm. He was leaning against her shoulder, uncomfortably close. Lily knew that the potion was the only reason why he wasn't crying, and gently stroked his back and shoulders. His warm weight was making her very sleepy, and she rested her head on his for a light nap...

"Lily?" whispered a voice in her ear. She awoke suddenly, to find James Potter leaning up on her. Her first impulse was to yell at him, before the evening's previous events caught up with her. She yawned and stretched slightly, James doing the same. He gave her a hint of his trademark smile as she helped him to his feet.

She couldn't explain what happened. James was standing there, holding her hand and blushing a bit, when all of a sudden, he was kissing her. Lily froze at first, but soon lost herself. All her opinions and insults directed at James suddenly didn't matter. His warm lips gently caressed hers, and she felt herself drowning in sweetness. Lily felt a weird sort of ache inside as they slowly parted. She stared at him in utter disbelief as he smiled fully for the first time that night. This time, it was Lily who started the kiss. She gently slid her tongue into his mouth and felt his arms wrap around her waist, slowly exploring his mouth as he did the same. He pulled her closer as they were forced to end it to breathe. She was barely inches from his face, and her heart was racing, her breath ragged.

"That was...interesting," he mumbled lamely. Lily laughed, and he flushed again.

"You know, you're not so bad, James," she whispered into his neck as he embraced her.

"Thanks...Lily. I never thought ill of you."

In a daze, the two of them walked back to Gryffindor Tower, holding hands and walking in silence. Before they entered the portrait hole, Lily stopped him. "Are you okay?"

He struggled a moment for words. "In all honesty, no. But I'll be fine, Lily." He gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead before they headed in. Neither of them noticed the number of people staring at them, goggling at James's swollen eyes, Lily's messy red hair, and their disheveled robes. As they headed up their separate dorm staircases, he threw her a wink and blew her a kiss. For the first time in seven years, she returned the favor.

A/N: Yes, it's fluffy, and pointless, and messed up, but I was REALLY bored and this stupid brain of mine needed an outlet...argh.

-starshimmer