Lupin's Heart to Heart

It was Sunday evening, just before midnight, and the Gryffindor common room was nearly empty. A single boy, with several pieces of parchment scattered around him, was sitting cross-legged on the floor. His three best friends were sitting around him in comfortable armchairs, talking to him excitedly about their plans for the coming week. He found himself scribbling their ideas quickly onto the parchment, frequently crossing out ideas they decided didn't suit their plans for the week. The scene playing out just like all their other Sundays as he hurriedly wrote out joke after joke to play on unsuspecting students and teachers.

Remus Lupin had been both restless and a little jumpy for most of the evening but continued his attempts at keeping up with the other three boys and their plans. Suddenly, Remus stood from his spot on the floor and walked towards the fire. "That one won't work, James." He said, "I'll be away that day." His voice was firm but his irritation was evident.

James Potter looked up from the parchment he was holding, looking puzzled. "You have to go away again?"

"Erm...yeah, my Mum is sick again," Remus responded, turning from the fire to address his friends. "I need to go home for a few days to be with her." His eyes met each of theirs in turn before finally settling on a spot on the common room floor.

"Your mum sure is sick a lot," Peter Pettigrew, quipped in a squeaky voice, his eyes following Remus'.

Sirius Black pushed his chair back onto two legs and leaned towards James. "Yeah, once a month," he whispered quietly, so that only James could hear.

"She's pretty sick," Remus replied, slipping his hands into his pockets and looking up at James and Sirius before returning his gaze to the floor.

"Why don't you visit on weekends, Remus?" James asked, studying his friend's expression with interest. "Why leave on a Sunday and miss classes for the week? You could have been with her all weekend."

Remus looked up at a spot on the wall just past James's head. "She's really sick, James. They think we might lose her." Remus's voice got soft and a tear trickled down his face. Inside his heart was breaking. "I have to be there, just in case."

James pushed his front chair legs off the ground, rocking them steadily. Sirius glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, gave a slight nod, and lowered the front legs of his chair back to the ground.

Remus stared at the two boys. The look in their eyes told him that something was on their mind and he feared that it was something to do with him. Finally, with a last look at Sirius, he decided he better make a move now before any uncomfortable questions started. "Look guys, I have to be going."

James took a deep breath and ran his hand through his untidy black hair. "Look Remus," he said in a raised voice as he firmly planted all four of his chair legs onto the ground. "Why are you making up stories about your mum being sick? I saw her over Christmas break and she didn't look sick to me. Actually she looked quite healthy, if not a little anxious. I know she's not dying." James's eyes met Remus's for a moment before the other boy's eyes again returned to the ground. "We know that you don't use the Hogwart's Express or even the Knight Bus to leave Hogwarts. Actually we don't believe you actually leave Hogwarts. We've watched you walk through the grounds with Professor Dumbledore and he returns without you, yet he never leaves the grounds." His voice began to trail off as he finished his accusation. "We think you are a werewolf," he finished in barely a whisper.

"WHAT!" Remus gasped in a disbelieving tone, his eyes rising to James sharply.

"You see," James said, standing up and moving towards Remus in a gesture of apology. "Sirius and I... we just... we didn't really believe you are a werewolf." He said hurriedly, "It's just that you are always away over the full moon and it's only when you are away that we hear those horrid noises coming from the shrieking shack. We just... we should have known that we were jumping to conclusions. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too," Sirius whispered, rocking the front legs of his chair up and down again. "No hard feelings?"

Remus paused to take in all of what James had said. "Don't be sorry," Remus whispered, lowering his head and turning his back on James and Sirius. "You are right. I am," he finished, meekly.

Sirius's chair came crashing down with a violent thud as he stared at Remus's back. James shook his head slightly in a mixture of disbelief and sympathy as he collapsed back into his chair causing it to skid across the floor a few inches, while Peter's eyes grew big and he let out a small yelp before sinking cowardly into his chair.

Remus clinched his fists tightly, quivering with the effort to fight back the tears. "I knew that having friends was a dream too good to be true." His voice shook with hurt. "I knew some day you would find out and I'd have to return to reality. That one day I'd be forced to give up normal life."

"Why did you hide this from us," James whispered, slowly regaining his composure.

"I was told not to tell anyone," Remus replied. "They said the only way I could attend Hogwarts was to keep this quiet. I was enjoying having friends if even for a little while. I hated lying to you every month it was tearing me apart." He shook his head a little and a tear slipped from his eye. "Don't worry, I'll return home after the full moon. No one will have to know that you were friends with a freak," he finished lowering his voice in shame.

"Why would you go home," Sirius asked, sensing the shield that Remus was attempting to build.

Remus turned towards him in stunned disbelief. "Because I'm a werewolf," he yelled. "Do you not understand what I just said? When word gets out, I'll be thrown from this school faster than you can say full moon." Traitorous tears escaped down his eyes and his hands shook. "I shouldn't be here," he continued attempting to calm him-self with each word, "I don't belong at Hogwarts. No one will accept me, and I don't want people to fear me." He turned his back on his friends to hide the tears coming down faster with each breath.

James stood, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "No one heard but us," he spoke in a calm and cool tone, "and we'll make sure it stays that way."

Sirius stood up alongside James. "You can't get rid of us that easily!" Sirius said with a chuckle.

"We're all friends, even if you get a little hairier once a month," James smiled, finishing Sirius's sentence.

"After all," Sirius laughed, "Evans turns into a beast once a month too but that never stopped James from going after her!"

"Yea...," James began, stopping short once he realized what Sirius was saying. "Hey!" He exclaimed, aiming a backhand Sirius's way.

Remus turned around, staring at his friends in disbelief, a smile tugging at his mouth. "You guys really aren't going to run from me?"

"Run... us?" Sirius answered, a grin crossing from ear to ear. "How long have you known us, Remus? Have WE ever run from anyone or anything?"

Remus shook slightly as he slumped in Sirius's now vacant chair. A mixture of relief and confusion overcame him as he brought a trembling hand up to his face brushing aside the tears. "You guys are serious. You really do want to stay my friends," he finished looking up into James eyes and receiving a nod from him. "You guys really are great friends, but aren't you afraid of me?" Briefly he studied each of his friends' faces, before his gaze rested on James.

James and Sirius nodded their heads and gave a reassuring smile. "We've been your friends for over 2 years. You've never hurt us and last I checked, none of us have become werewolves just by being your friend." James said, while giving Peter, who was still cowering in his chair, a stern stare.

Remus forced a smile. "Thanks guy, that means a lot to me. It really isn't contagious unless I were to bite you and that can happen only during the full moon. And then I'm locked up and all by myself so the only person I can hurt is...well...me." He stared down at the scars on his left arm and fell silent.

"Is that why you have all those scars and you are always so weak?" Peter asked, finally finding his voice, "because you hurt yourself when you transform?"

"Yeah," Remus answered with a sigh.

Sirius looked from Remus to James as though looking for something to say, but instead settled in a chair beside Peter. "How did it happen," James asked, finally breaking the silence and returning to his chair. "I mean, if you want to talk about it."

Remus looked up at James startled. "No one ever cares how it happened. They don't want to know, they just assume I'm evil... because of what I am." Remus paused as if contemplating how to continue. "Dumbledore told me that not everyone felt that way, I guess I can understand what he meant now. He worked really hard to get me here, saying I deserved to be normal just like everyone else." Remus took a deep breath and continued his story.

"I was four years old when it happened, my parents were inside, talking with someone through the floo." His voice began shaking but he continued with his story. "I was wandering alone outside, not realizing that my life was in danger. When I reached the edge of our yard I began playing with a toy and didn't see that I was being watched, not until he sank his teeth into my left shoulder anyway. The pain was incredible. I woke up 3 days later at St. Mungos. I was battered and hurt. My injuries had been very severe and it wasn't until a few weeks later that they knew I was going to survive the ordeal. I had only a few days to recover at home before they returned me to St. Mungos so I could be watched during my... my first transformation."

Remus paused in his story and took several deep breaths to regain his composure. Sirius and James watched him in silence, suddenly holding a new respect for their friend. James couldn't help but notice how pale Remus looked. Was it because of the full moon coming tomorrow evening or was it the emotions involved in revealing his darkest secret?

Remus' trembling voice shook James from his thoughts as he said, "It is the most painful and helpless feeling in the world when you transform."

Sirius coughed, masking his whimper of sympathy. "It must take a lot out of you," he finally said, pulling his voice together. "You always look so pale for several days around the full moon."

"Yes," Remus answered softly. "Even during the best of months the transformation lasts for several hours. The pain of transforming in itself is excruciating: your body is contorted, your skin stretched and pulled. That is probably what you hear coming from the Shrieking Shack. For as hard as I try, the pain overwhelms me each time. Then the werewolf senses take over and I need flesh and blood and..." Remus stopped abruptly and looked at the grandfather clock in the common room. "It's almost 2; I've got to meet Professor Dumbledore in half an hour."

"But the full moon isn't until tonight," Peter spoke quickly, surprised at himself that he still had the courage to speak at all.

"Yes," Remus spoke, shaking his head, "But Madam Pomfrey needs to check me over before I go. She ensures that I get some strength potions and that I'm in top health before I transform. Then I follow Professor Dumbledore to the Shrieking Shack, but we only go during the early morning hours - so that nobody sees us. That way it looks as if I left school during the night to visit my mum. Besides, the day of the full moon makes me very anxious and as you can see a bit shaky," he spoke quickly as his hands began to shake once again. "It would be too obvious that something is wrong with me if I were to take my classes the day of the full moon," he finished, sounding ashamed that he could not control his emotions. "It also keeps less attentive students from realizing I am gone only over the full moon," he said with a small wink.

"And you stay for several days afterwards to recover from your injuries," James whispered softly so that Remus had to strain to hear him.

"Yes, since I can't get fresh meat I tend to injure myself," he replied. "Hopefully, I will never encounter an actual person in the shack, for my werewolf instincts wouldn't allow my conscious mind to stop things I'd be against doing..."

The four boys fell silent again, each contemplating the story they had just heard.

Remus broke the silence by abruptly rising from his chair. "I have to go now."

"Yes," James said, "You be careful out there," he warned, as Remus turned to walk through the portrait opening.

"I will," Remus answered, "I'll see you in a few days".

James, Sirius, and Peter watched as the portrait hole closed behind him.

"We can't let him keep going through this alone," Sirius whispered in James's ear. "He needs a friend out there; someone that can be with him while he is going through this."

"I agree," James replied, "but how?"

The boys sat back quietly with their minds deep in thought until the early morning sun began to creep through the common room windows.

Remus followed Professor Dumbledore to the Whomping Willow for his monthly transformation. He walked halfheartedly to the Shrieking Shack but with a new strength and the knowledge that he would no longer be facing the world all alone when he returned.

A bond had been forged that night between the four boys, deeper then it had ever been before. They now shared a secret. A secret, reluctantly entrusted to them, but would bind their friendship together for many years to come. A secret that would lead three boys to becoming animagi, that would lead to the creation of the Marauders and the map that would not only be one of their prized possessions but future generations as well, and finally carried through their tears, death, and betrayal.

- The End