Evans' Naughty Book

"Shut up, Potter."

And so began Lillian Sue Evan's morning. As usual, she arrived just as breakfast was being served, and as usual, some part of Potter Inc. came to disturb some part of her meal. These horrific morning 'wake-up' calls never failed to happen; in fact, for most of the students at Hogwarts, breakfast wasn't officially a meal unless some kind of disturbance erupted due to the Marauders. On this particular morning, James Potter, leanly muscled Quidditch Captain and ingenious mischief maker, had decided that he would bestow a blessing on the suffering soul of Lily Evans.

"Oh, come on, Evans. You know we'd make a great pair, with your eyes and my...well, there's really too much for me to be able to pin one particular characteristic, but in any case, I'm positive that our children will be beautiful." Hazel eyes sparkled at their master's wit, and Lily resisted the urge to throw the last vestiges of her pumpkin juice at her nemesis' smirking face. Instead, she gulped the rest down and stood up.

"I can only imagine the horror, and pray that there will never be any small Potters to terrorize the world. For the sake of the magical community, I do hope you're sterile."

Potter grinned, illogically pleased with the path of the conversation so far. "Not to worry, Evans. I'm sure that some form of birth control is available until you're good and ready stop making mad passionate love on the kitchen table." Lily grabbed her satchel and turned on her heel, deciding it was too early to continue such a conversation. The thought of ever making love to the grinning buffoon was horrendous and made her head hurt. She had to be the mature one and leave before Potter got any ideas.

She paused though, her resolve to stop the argument weakening. "Never in anyone's worst nightmare, Potter, would anyone shag you. Anywhere." she threw over her shoulder, just for closure. She couldn't have Potter thinking that she agreed with having sex on a dirty table.

James stared after her, offhandedly noticing how the sunlight filtering through the windows of the Great Hall flickered across her beautiful auburn hair, bringing the fieriest highlights out. When she disappeared from view, he put his head in his hands and sighed. Sirius nudged him.

"Mate, did Lily Evans just spout the word 'shag? If you were to ask me, I would have said that she doesn't know the true, intimate meaning of the word."

James nodded, his mood lightening almost immediately, a grin stating to play across his features. "I do believe so, Padfoot. It's just amazing what you learn about people. Everyday, you discover something new. The world's just one big open book, waiting to be read."

Remus, who had been distractedly shoving his porridge about as he studied his Runes chart, looked up and rolled his eyes. James Potter would never open a book unless he was force-fed a behavior altering potion.

"Speaking of books..." Sirius began, and he held up a leather-bound book titled Love Regressed. "I think the ravishing object of your affections left this. I guess she really hates you; she was in such a rush to get way from your hideous face that she forgot all about one of her precious books."

James eagerly grabbed the novel out of Sirius' hands. "I'll just return it to her, then. Show her how much of a gentleman I am."

This time it was Sirius who rolled his eyes.

"Right. Well, while you're busy raping Evans in some forgotten closet, I'm sure the book will come into use as a pillow."

James glared at his friend. "Any action I get will be strictly consensual, and won't be in a broom closet. Unlike you, I don't feel the need to hide in small, cramped, dusty rooms without locks."

Remus looked up from his homework. "Sort of makes you wonder exactly who Sirius is hiding with in those closets..."

The only one left unscathed from the ensuing food fight was Peter, who had brilliantly scrambled under the table at the first sight of trouble. He wasn't one to enter a fight, even if Sirius was gay.

.o&o.

Ha! Well, I truly do not think Sirius is gay, so do not flood me in protests of slashing. No, wait, if that means more reviews; feel free to vent your anger at whatever. Maybe I should just make one entire chapter about controversial subjects... In any case, reviews are appreciated. As I'm sure you know, there is nothing as lovely as a review, flame or not.

So, go ahead, divulge me in your deepest passions about slavery, starvation and Sirius. I'll make sure to try to read your story, too (yes, that's a bribe, but I will truly try...I have four art classes this trimester, so I'm sure I can scrounge up some time...). And if that doesn't work, maybe the thought of some warm chocolate chip cookies will tempt you?