Cognizance In Nirvana

"I know there'll be a time for you and I
Just take my hand and run away
Think of all the pieces of the shattered dream
We're gonna make it out some day
We'll be coming back
Coming back to stay
When the night comes."

Joe Cocker, "When the Night Comes"

You've raped me.

You took my innocence - I bet you didn't even know you had it in palms of those meticulously pristine hands of yours- and you let it fall. It fell from your hands-

Into the nothingness that exists between consciousness and the abyss below.

Into that empty space that lives somewhere between happiness and horror.

You infiltrated me: you became my savior and my captor, my lover, my friend, my confidante.

****

You've raped me.

You shattered every last connection to solitude I ever possessed, you clawed at it, you ravished it - you ravished me -and you left me there to bleed.

I cried your name so many times, nights when there was nothing left to do but cry, lying here.

Lying here alone. When the only thing I had to keep to keep me going was this urge, this need to be something to you.

To be something more than you.

"Come to me, Tom!" I screamed in a voice that belonged to a tortured animal, my lungs raring for its last breath. Every breath, every gasp - can you feel me breathing? My racing heart? Its beating, it won't stop.

I've experimented before, lying here, waiting for you. Sometimes I just stop breathing to see how long it will be before my body begins to give out on me. I always take in a desperate breath right after I begin to lose feeling in the tips of my fingers.

You call me undisciplined. "You have no control of your body."

No, no, darling, I am undisciplined because I have no control over you.

*****

You've raped me.

You deprived me of my dignity, you made me your slave, you took away my will.

I acquiesce you in everything, but you never cease your taunts. You appear briefly, you touch me briefly. You slip your hand underneath me as you carry me down. I'm lifeless, but I feel. I feel, damn it! I feel everything. I feel you.

I want to feel again.

I want you.

I want you to take me away from here.

I want you to take away my will.

*****

You've raped me.

Then why do I want you to come to me? What will it take for you to come back to me? I thought I could leave you back there-

In the forbidden. In my dreams. In the night.

In that dark chamber.

"She's alive," you said. "But only just." Ironic, isn't it, that the only time I came alive was when I was under your control? When I talked to you, when I told you my deepest secrets. And you laughed. You called my secrets trivial. Inside, I felt trivial. I was trivial. Sadly, I simply was when you were around me.

I thought with the naïveté of a child that I could leave you behind.

I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be normal. I wanted my mind. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted. Now, I want you.

Come to me.

*****

You've raped me -

And you never even lifted my skirts.

"Your brain shall be your servant
instead of your master,
You will rule it instead
of allowing it to rule you."
oCharles E. Popplestone