Death Wish

By the time you read this, I hope to be dead.

It's hard to be God's saving grace, even harder when you're only 17. Yet, no matter how hard I try, that's all I am to most of you. You don't see me as Harry Potter, Griffindor Seeker, you see me as The Chosen One, The-Boy-Who-Lived, the-one-that-I-must-kill and just so you know, it really stinks. I've spent my life running from girls who want their share of my fame, and the only one I've really ever liked was always too busy chasing my best friend. Nobody else understands, you all live normal lives, and if you don't it's because you've earned it, me though, I've been thrown into an elevated position in this rat race we call life.

These past few months I've had so much time to think, especially when I've been on watch. Everyone wonders how I can slip into Voldemort's mind so easily, here's the secret, I don't. It's like he's a part of me, waiting until he can surface and take over, Dumbledore's taught me enough so that I know what this is, and the thing is it absolutely terrifies me. What makes me even more scared though, is that I could have turned out just like him, we both lived the life of orphans, neither of us were loved by the people we resided with, and both of us found our true home, the place where our heart -no matter how small- resides. We're the flip side of the same coin, so alike that we could brothers, and now, because of what's happened, both our souls are forever entwined, like a stand of D.N.A., the way they show it on muggle computers. And like a D.N.A. strand, if even the smallest thing is out of place, our lives will fall to pieces.

If anyone in this whole world will miss me for who I truly am, it will be Hermione. She never wanted to be my friend because I was The-Boy-Who-Lived, in fact, it took Ron and I clubbing a troll in the head to even be worthy of her friendship. When I was her friend though, my god it was worth it. She was always there to listen, always there to cheer me up, she believed what I said, because that was her job, she had to believe everything I said because she was my friend, although I wanted her to be so much more than that. But she was she was always preoccupied with my other best friend, Ron.

Ron. When I said only one person would truly miss me, I meant outside of my family of course. And Ron was as close to a brother as I would ever get. We had our spats, but even though brothers fight, they're still brothers. Our 'brotherhood' had the added bonus of not spending 24/7 with each other. Yes I 'love' Ron, but in the same way that I might love my parents if I had any.

If my life had been different, if I didn't have this evil simmering away inside me -a bomb with a faulty fuse- would Voldemort have returned to power, if I'd just insisted that Cedric take that god awful cup, would he be as powerful as he is now.

This is not something that I imagined myself doing, then again, I never imagined myself living this far, especially not since someone tries to kill me every year, I guess this time it will be my self, only I will succeed. Ron, Hermione, I beg that you don't treat this as your fault, that you missed the signs, said all the wrong things. With me, the rule book for depression was torn up and thrown out the window, of course, you both already knew that. Hermione, you've just been incredible, my last reserve of life force, the thing that keeps me going when I've got nothing left to give. It's no wonder really that I fell for you, even though everyone thought it was Ginny that I was pining after. Ron, you've been my companion, my brother, my buddy. I need you to take care of her, she always liked you better, and now you can show her that you feel the same, cause I'm smiling at it. I also want you to have everything I own. You and your family have done so much for me since I met you, and even all that I own couldn't begin to repay the debt that I owe you. If there's heaven, I'll be watching over you from there, helping you with the journey that we set out to complete together, when the end gets there, you'll know what to do, with Hermione's brains, and Ron's battle logic, the battle will be won before it's even really been started. I need you to know that you two are gonna be the last thing on my mind before I go. I hope that after this whole ideal is over, you two are gonna be able to forgive me for what I'm putting you through right now. I hope that you name your firstborn son after me. I hope that he knows that life is about love and happiness, not death and destruction like we did.

I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy, so why does everyone wish it on themselves?

Harry Potter set his quill down on the desk, letting the tears flow freely from his eyes. He grasped for his wand, feeling the texture of it change, it was something unfamiliar, like a cheating girlfriend, or the bitter memories that followed. It made sense, in a way, that the thing that had protected him all these years would be the thing that would finally lay him to rest. Twisting his grasp so that the tip of the wand dented the skin on his forehead, he muttered an Unforgivable. He'd never thought that he'd be able to want to make someone hurt as much as he now wanted to make himself hurt. The room flashed green, and then everything was still. Later, when Ron and Hermione found him, they would notice the smile that played at the corner of his lips, the look of relief that lay on his face. They would carry on what he had set out to do, and maybe one day, they would understand why he had done this to himself in the first place.