Rescue Me

Chapter Five: Suffering

Downstairs the enemy sleeps

Leaving the TV on

Watching all the dreams we had

Turn into static

Doesn't matter what I do

Nothing's gonna change

I'm never good enough

And you can't stop me from falling apart

Cause my self-destruction is all your fault...

-continued lyrics from "Open Wounds" by Skillet

Hermione stood in front of Myrtle with tear-streaked eyes.

"What did you say?" she asked, trying not to think of actually committing suicide.

"I could really use a friend," Myrtle said, moving closer. "And I've been watching you... sort of... when you're in the bathroom at least. I've seen how you force yourself to purge... I feel really bad for you."

Hermione sat down and rubbed her face. "At least someone does," she whispered. "It's just... Sometimes I feel like no one out there even cares. I feel like I'm all alone... I mean, it's obvious that I'm in a bad place right now, and I just don't understand how no one notices..."

Hermione sighed and stood up. "Myrtle, I don't know if I can do this. I mean, I understand you need a friend, but..." She began to walk away. "I'm not ready for that yet."

She opened the door to leave.

"I'll be here forever," Myrtle said sadly. "Just in case you change your mind."

Hermione gave a little smile and left the bathroom.

As she was walking down the hall, she ran into Harry.

"Oh," she said. "Hi, Harry."

"Hey," he said. "I, uh... I heard about what happened with Ron. I'm really sorry."

"Oh, yeah, that... Well, Parvati's stupid. Obviously she needs to spread things about other people in order to make her feel better. Whatever. I'm over it."

She scratched her face and her robe slid down a little bit. Harry furrowed his brow and grabbed her wrist.

"What are you doing?" she asked, fear swelling up in her.

Is someone going to find out?

"Roll up your sleeve," he said sternly.

Hermione tried to draw back, but Harry held a firm grip. "No," she said.

Harry pulled her arm in and rolled up her sleeve for her. Hermione gasped. Harry's mouth dropped open.

"Hermione..." he said, shocked. "Hermione... What is this?"

Hermione pulled her arm out of Harry's grip and rolled her sleeve back down. "This is the pain that I've been feeling for a long time," said Hermione. "This is what's been wrong with me ever since... ever since I haven't been myself."

"Hermione, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" Harry said, his voice beginning to sound a little more concerned.

"Look, Harry... It's nothing, really. I mean, it's something, but... Look, you can't tell anybody about this, all right? I mean, it happened a couple of times, but I'm fine now, really... Parvati, however, won't be fine when I'm finished with her, but for now... For now I'm fine."

Why am I lying?

Hermione didn't know why she was lying to Harry. She knew that she wanted someone to notice and someone to care, and now that she had it she felt... unsatisfied.

"Hermione, why did you do this in the first place?" he asked.

"No reason," she said. "Let's just not get into it, OK?"

"Hermione, you're my friend. I can't just roll this off of my shoulders."

"Well, OK, just know that I'll never do it again and... and you can watch me now. I'll let you stalk me just to make sure. For your sake, that is."

Harry sighed. "I'm going to follow you like a shadow."

"Except for when I'm in the bathroom," she said, thinking to her purging hour.

"Oh, of course except for that," said Harry. "Now come on, let's go."

They walked down the hall together, Harry wrapping Hermione in his arms.

What have I become?

Hermione felt terrible for lying to Harry, but she didn't know what else to do. She knew that the only person she wanted to know about this was Ron, and at the moment he was causing it more than he was before, and more than he'd ever know.

Harry opened the portrait to the Common Room and found Ron sitting there. He looked up and his face turned to a scowl when he saw Hermione.

"What are you doing with her?" he asked icily.

"Ron, she didn't say any of that stuff," said Harry. "Come on, you know that."

Hermione broke free of Harry's grip, shot daggers and Ron, and sat down on her chair.

"How do you know that?" asked Ron. "There's no proof of that."

"Well, someone obviously isn't blinded by some stupid love," said Hermione coldly. "And they obviously know how their friends work and know what they would and wouldn't say behind each other's backs."

Why am I pushing him further away?

Hermione shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"What's wrong, Hermione?" snapped Ron. "Uncomfortable from your lies?"

Hermione glared at him. "You know, Ron, you're a prat, you know that? I hope you and Parvati are happy forever and don't invite me to your wedding."

She stood up and stomped out of the room.

Harry sighed. "You know, Ron, she really didn't say anything. At least, I'm ninety-eight percent sure that she didn't."

Ron shrugged. "Well, right now I don't care. And it's sort of obvious at the moment that she doesn't either, so whatever."

Harry rolled his eyes and went up to his dorm, leaving Ron alone.

Hermione sat on her bed and let the tears begin to form between her eyes. She hated it when the tears just rested and didn't flow. They burned and it only seemed to bring more pain... pain she didn't feel that she deserved.

I don't understand how I feel...

She needed to talk to someone. She knew that. She understood that. However, everyone in the school hated her except for Harry, and she had already lied to him about it.

She went to the window and looked out of it again. She didn't know what she was going to do.

I'm going over the edge.

Hermione turned and went to the out-of-order bathroom. She found Myrtle in there as she walked in and Myrtle's look turned to be somewhat... happier.

"Oh," she said. "Have you changed your mind?"

"No," said Hermione. "But... Myrtle, what's it like to be dead?"

"It's lonely," said Myrtle. "I've been so lonely ever since it happened. I mean, it was better once you and your friends came along, but I'm still by myself most of the time. The other ghosts here don't like me. I'm... I'm the odd ball out."

She floated down and sat down.

"Myrtle, I'm... I'm afraid to die," said Hermione. "I'm afraid to go through the pain of... of losing a soul."

"It's not as bad as you think. But that would depend on the manner of your going. I mean, if it was slow and torturous, I'm sure that wouldn't be fun. But if it's quick and painless... it isn't bad at all."

Hermione sighed. "Well, for now I have an appointment," she said. "So if you'd excuse me."

She went into a stall and leaned over it.

Don't do this again.

Hermione somehow ignored that feeling and stuck her finger to the back of her throat. She still hadn't eaten anything, so she started to throw up stomach acid again.

When she was finished, she went outside and found Marla in the hall.

"Hey," said Marla. "It's been a while since we've talked! How are you doing?"

"Oh," said Hermione, wiping her mouth. "I'm... Well, I suppose I'm doing fine."

Marla smiled. "Oh, that's good! So, there's a party in Slytherin tonight. Do you want to come?"

"Um, well..." Hermione sighed. Marla looked so desperate. And it had been so long since she'd gotten drunk and drowned away all of her pains... "I'd love to go. I think it would be great."

"Great! Well, it starts after hours, of course, so I'll see you there! Oh, and we're going to have a special guest! See ya!"

She waved and walked away.

A special guest.

Here we go again.

Hermione went back to the Common Room and found Ron sitting in the same spot that he was when she had left him. She rolled her eyes and entered back. Ron looked up and sighed.

"Hermione, I think we need to talk," he said.

"All right," said Hermione. She sat down at her chair. "Talk."

Parvati walked down the stairs and Ron looked up at her, then back at Hermione. Hermione froze.

"Hello, Hermione," Parvati said in that stupid, "innocent" voice that she had.

Hermione cringed. "Hello."

"Hermione," said Ron. "Parvati told me everything. She told me about how you tried to poison her."

Hermione's mouth dropped open. "WHAT?!"

Ron put up a hand. "But we're both willing to forgive you. If that's what you want, I mean."

Hermione was at a loss for words.

How can I deal with this?

Hermione shifted in her chair. "All right," she said. "Why don't you go ahead and just talk then, hmm?"

"Look, we want to forgive you," said Parvati. "We understand that it must be hard to be... you."

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I mean... you know, everyone hates you and everything. You haven't got any friends, and now that Ron and I are together... you've lost everything."

Hermione stood up. "You two both listen to me! I don't know what the hell either one of you are thinking, but you're both CRAZED! I never tried to kill anybody and I never will! I think you both should get your head out of your asses and stop believing every word you hear and stop starting rumors!"

Hermione went up the stairs and pushed past Parvati.

"I think that went well," Parvati said.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Parvati, are you seriously lying about this stuff?"

"No, Ronnie! Of course not!" she said, beginning to descend down the stairs. "You know I would never lie to you! Especially about something like this."

Ron sighed. "All right, then. I just feel bad... I don't know, Hermione's never lied to me before."

Parvati sat on his lap. "Well, darling, there's a first time for everything, right? Oh well, it doesn't matter now anymore anyway. Come on. Let's just show the world why we're perfect for each other, hmm?"

She pulled him into a kiss.

Hermione couldn't believe anything that was going on. She couldn't wait for the party tonight.

I'm returning to my old ways.

Screw Harry! He couldn't stop her from doing anything! She could cut, and she could puke and she could do whatever she wanted for whatever reason and however often! He couldn't control her!

She punched the wall and cut her hand open as she put a hole in it. She went over to Parvati's suitcase.

Everything was gone.

She'd been expecting Hermione.

Hermione went to her own suitcase.

Everything was slashed.

Hermione gasped. That bitch had gone through her stuff and slashed it up!

Hermione's anger flared again.

She marched down to the Common Room, went straight up to Ron and Parvati, pulled Parvati off of Ron and punched her square in the face.

"Hermione, what the hell?!" shouted Ron.

"YOU STUPID WHORE!!!" screamed Hermione. She pushed her into the wall. "I FUCKING HATE YOU! GO TO HELL AND ROT THERE FOREVER!!!!!!!!"

Hermione turned on her heel and went straight out of the room, leaving Parvati bleeding and Ron completely shocked.

Hermione went to the Slytherin house and found Marla walking down the hall to it.

"Marla!" she shouted down the hall.

Marla turned.

"Oh, hey there, Hermione," she said.

"Forget tonight," Hermione snapped.

"What? Why?"

"I'm not waiting that long. Let's get in there and drink now!"

Marla broke into a smile. "That's right! That's my long-lost girl! And perfect timing, the guest just arrived!"

She said the password and they entered into the Common Room.

And there, Hermione found something she never thought she would ever see again.

Draco Malfoy.

He stood before her, a stupid smirk on his stupid face.

"Granger!" he said. "So long since we've seen each other! How have you been?"

This is too much.