Slytherin Ambivalence

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I had never been an early riser, but the day I was to leave for Hogwarts I was up before the sun had risen. I rubbed the goop out of my eyes as I walked to the balcony and stepped out into the morning air. Fresh air is said to cure anything. Today though, it had no plans on curbing the butterflies that seemed to be flying themselves stupid in my stomach. I shook my head as I collapsed onto a comfy sofa on my balcony and lay back to watch the sky. The blue color of the sky before the sun had risen was the most beautiful I had ever laid eyes on. It was light blue with dark undertones. The colors that morning were the likes of which I had never seen all meshing together as if only for my eyes. I knew today would be a day to remember forever and I lay there thinking of my future life at Hogwarts and beyond. The colors around me shifted to that of a baby blue and the sun settled itself in the sky for the remainder of the day.

I was still lying there lost in my thoughts when a sharp knock on my bedroom door snapped me out of my reverie. "Enter", I called. The door opened slowly and my nanny Lucy entered. At 29, she was young, beautiful and the only person in the house who I felt really cared about me. She had been there since the day I was born, although I had not needed her until my sister had left. She often told me that she loved me as her own and I believed her. She was the only person in the house whose nature it was to tell the truth. She glanced around my bedroom in search of me, stooping to pick up yesterday's discarded robes.

"Pansy?" she questioned in her soft feminine voice. She set my robes on the unmade bed and walked towards the balcony. "Pansy?" she asked again as she stepped into the sun with me. She smiled down at me and tickled my foot hanging over the armrest. "It is time for you to get ready. Master Isaiah wishes to leave for King´s Cross in the next hour. I will set out your clothes for the day while you go have a quick bath".

"Will you braid my hair Lucy?" I asked as I sat up to allow for her to sit beside me. She reached up to play with my hair and smiled.

"Of course I will."

I grinned at her and shot out of my seat. "Thank you Lucy" I said and ran from the balcony into my room to collect my undergarments for the day. She appeared behind me and began singing to herself, as she looked through my closet for the new robes my Mother had bought for me a few days before. I hummed along with her for a short time until I had found everything I would need. I closed the door to the bathroom, ran my bath water, and turned the gold faucets on which held my favorite strawberry scented oils. As the mirror above the sink fogged up I undressed and stepped into the antique bathtub, a pleased sigh escaping my lips as I sank into the hot water to wash away my nervousness. I took a deep breath and slid completely into the scented water and stared at the ceiling from beneath. When I couldn´t hold my breath any longer, I broke the surface and grabbed the large, glass bottle of pink shampoo. I mused to myself on the stupidity of these bottles but never planned on saying anything to my Mother. She said they made the room more distinguished. But I knew that she simply thought they made us look rich; rich enough to be wasting money on stupid bottles. Which we were of course, but I saw no real reason to continue buying them.

I poured a small amount onto my hand and massaged it into my hair, breathing in deeply. From a young age I had loved strawberries, the way they tasted, smelled, and the color they stained your lips when you had eaten too many. After my head was covered in faint pink foam, I plunged under the water to rid my hair of the shampoo. I rubbed my scalp vigorously; making sure none was left and sat up. Water ran down my face as I grabbed for another glass bottle of the most expensive liquid soap the maids could find. My Mother would never settle for second best and the maids were ordered to travel as far as needed to find the finest of everything, including soap. I washed away yesterday´s adventures with Draco in the forest behind the mansion. We had gone to play in the clearing in the middle of the forest and I had ended up teaching Draco to climb trees, something he stated he would never do again, seeing as how it took a good twenty minutes for him to climb down.

I stepped out of the tub onto a lush bathmat, digging my toes into the softness and grabbed two towels. I wrapped one around my head and dried myself off with the other. From behind the door I could hear Lucy still singing and rummaging around my room. Presumably packing the rest of my things into my trunk and setting my affairs in order.

"Pansy, hurry up sweetie. I have to finish braiding your hair before you go down to breakfast;" Lucy called through the door.

"Ok." I dressed quickly in my undergarments and opened the bathroom door. The steam poured out of the bathroom and into my bedroom, strawberry scent sure to linger well after I was gone. I walked to the bed and picked up the dark blue and gray robes. I smiled at the silky material between my fingers before handing it to Lucy. I raised my arms and patiently waited as she pulled the robes over my toweled head and straightened them. "Done," I mumbled in the general direction of Lucy as she hurried over to my dresser and hurried back carrying my brush and two strands of light gray silk.

Lucy brushed the knots out of my hair silently. I knew she probably wanted to say something about my leaving but couldn´t find the way to say it. I knew the feeling; after all, she and Draco were all I had. And in a few hours, I wouldn´t see Lucy again for months. She braided my hair and tied the silk strands at the end and then turned me to face her. Her eyes were brimming with tears and I knew she was going to cry, though I wouldn´t. She wrapped her arms around me and rubbed my back as her tears finally spilled over. "I´ll miss you my dearest. You write to me often, you hear?" She kissed my cheeks and gave me a slight push toward the door. "Have fun at Hogwarts and do try to stay out of trouble."

I smiled at her from the doorway. "I´ll see you on Christmas Holidays," I said and left her standing in the middle of the room. I bounced down the stairs happily and bounded to the dinning room. My mother and father were already there reading the Daily Prophet and sipping on goblets of wine. When I entered, or actually, stumbled into the room, they both glanced up and proceeded to look me over. I, of course, was expected to look my best for I would be representing the Parkinson family. As I was told over and over again, "We have a reputation to uphold".

I sat across from my mother and watched silently as an ugly little house elf stepped forward to pour me a goblet of pumpkin juice. I was just being served when my sister walked in and sat down. This was the moment my parents had been waiting for, and as I played around with the food on my plate they both folded and lowered their papers to the table. I rolled my eyes and waited for the speech that they had been practicing since my sister´s return home from Hogwarts that first year.

"Pansy darling," my mother said, dragging out her `r´ as long as she could. "Your father and I have something to tell you".

"Pansy, you are a representative of our family. Now we realize that this school may not be the best, but you are to make the best of it. You are a Parkinson and you have a reputation to uphold. You, of course, will no doubt be sorted into Slytherin and I trust that you will not mingle with the Mudbloods at Hogwarts." I smirked at that and he continued. "Do try and stay away from that fool Dumbledore as well. He will only try and convince you of the importance of interhouse relations and the like. I expect you will maintain a high average, and we will not tolerate you being any lower then the top five of your class. Is this understood?"

I nodded. Of course I knew this. Who did he think I was? An alien? I had heard almost the exact same speech when my sister had gone away for her first year. Although, contrary to her, I planned on following our parents recommendations. And then the conversation stopped and we all continued eating in silence.

When we had all finished eating my father stood up, signaling that it was time to go. He led the way to the huge fireplace in our living room and grabbed a small pouch from the mantle. He took hold of my trunk, which had been brought down, threw some Floo powder into the fire and cried, "Malfoy Manor". He stepped into the green flames and was gone. Next it was my turn and as I stepped into the green fire I remembered why I hated traveling like this. The smoke clogged my nose making it burn. I had the uncontrollable urge to gag and cough simultaneously and I was being spun around waiting to pop out at the right exit. As I saw the Malfoy´s living room I tried to steady myself to no avail. I touched down, stumbled unsteadily and fell to my knees just as my sister stepped out of the fireplace. My mother came next, stepped past me and asked somewhat harshly, "Pansy what are you doing on the floor?"

I rolled my eyes at the floor and said, "Just admiring the carpet Mother." Draco reached down and put his arms under my armpits and lifted me to my feet. I smiled my thanks to him and we both smirked when his mother started telling us of the origin of the carpet.

When Draco´s trunk had been brought down from his room, our parents said it was time to go. We were both excited. I had grown so used to Draco, that without words, I could tell he was nervous. I grabbed his hand and we followed our parents out to the Ministry vehicles that had been provided for us. His father and mother stepped into the car in front and my family stepped into the car behind that. Draco climbed in after his parents and before mine could say anything I had hopped in behind him and closed the door. We sat together, holding hands, both in our own worried worlds. I stared out the window silently until Draco whispered in my ear. "Pansy, don´t worry. I won´t let anything happen to you. Crabbe, Goyle and I will watch out for you." I nodded. Of course he would; he was, after all, my best friend. But of Crabbe and Goyle, I wasn't so sure. I had heard my father and mother talking about their parents and how they were all "blundering idiots".

When we arrived at King´s Cross, we all piled out of the cars and made our way to platform Nine and Three Quarters. It wasn´t the first time I had been through, for I had seen my sister off in her first year but it was Draco´s first time. My parents and sister went first and I hung back to go with Draco. "We can run if you´re nervous Draco," I told him. He just nodded his head and I tugged him along behind me as I sprinted towards the wall. As soon as we where through, I stopped and Draco slammed into me from behind. I turned around to see him just opening his eyes and gazing around in childlike wonder. I grinned at him, for I had had the same feeling the first time I had seen it too. In front of us was a huge scarlet steam engine with the words "Hogwarts Express" across the side of it. Milling around, were hundreds of children of all ages with their parents. I did not wish to have one of those awkward family moments, so I left Draco with his parents and walked the two feet away to mine.

When I stepped up to them, my father was talking to my sister in an unfatherly tone. This was it. "Victoria this is your last year at Hogwarts and your last year in our house. When the school year is over I want you to collect your things and move into your own house. As of that moment you are not welcome in our home again. Then you can befriend as many Mudbloods as you want." She simply shook her head and moved aside for me to say goodbye. His goodbye to me was something of a shock. He grabbed me and pulled me into his arms though I´m sure it was only for show. After all, he was a politician and we were surrounded by many of his peers and subordinates. "Honey, have a good term. We´ll see you at Christmas. Stay with the Malfoy´s son, he will watch out for you." He then smiled down at me, gave me a quick hug, grabbed my mothers hand and left. As I stood there in complete and utter shock my sister stepped up beside me and put her arm around my shoulder. I shrugged it off and faced her.

"Geez Pansy, you look like you´ve seen a ghost." I glanced at her, nothing but pity on my face. "Pansy after this year is up.... If you want.... You can come live with me. I can find us a nice little house or something. It could be like old times."

I laughed then, laughed in her face until tears streamed down my cheeks. "Yeah right, Victoria. It´ll never be like old times. Go have fun with your little Mudbloods and stay out of my life." I had said it. It had severed our relationship forever. However, I didn´t care in the least, I felt nothing for her except disgust at what had befallen her. "Have a nice life, Victoria". She walked away and never looked back. I wiped the tears from my face and walked towards the Malfoy´s.

I returned to Draco´s side, waiting for him to finish his goodbyes with his parents. I watched as his mother held him tightly and cried on his shoulder, his face turning brilliantly red from embarrassment. She sobbed loudly; her little boy was leaving. His father pulled him into a hug and ruffled his hair, which I knew Draco hated. He didn´t say anything though for his father never showed him much attention and I knew this was a welcome change. Standing there was uncomfortable for me, seeing as I didn´t have this kind of relationship with my parents. I walked to the end of the platform and waited for Draco there.

Nervously I shuffled my feet as I watched the comings and goings of people. I saw many children my age and wondered which small number of these could actually make it into Slytherin. That´s when I saw them, the eyes that would haunt me day in and day out. They would haunt my every thought and dream. His eyes; the first thing I would see when I woke and the last thing I would see just before I fell asleep. These were the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. A blue the colors of the sky just before the sun rises and the same color I had seen earlier this morning when I was on my balcony. They were light blue, surrounded by a dark blue ring. I stood unmoving just gazing at them.

When they looked at me I shook my head to clear my brain and looked back. While he stood there gazing at me, I took the chance to look him over. He was tall, maybe a foot taller then myself, with a full head of fiery red hair that was in total disarray. His face was playful and held hints of a mischief nature. Our eyes remained locked for what seemed like hours but in reality was merely seconds. When Draco came up behind me and said, "Pansy my mother and father want to say goodbye," I looked away from those exciting, new eyes and into Draco´s familiar ones. I felt my cheeks flush and he grinned looking around me and to the boy that I was so openly staring at. "Who you looking at?"

"Uh.... No one," I stuttered as I glanced around again, trying to find him amongst all the other people on the platform. I caught a glimpse as he stepped onto the train with two other boys, both with the same red hair, only lighter and identical faces. I grabbed Draco and tugged him back to his parents. They both hugged me and told me they would look forward to Christmas dinner, to which I had already been invited. As they left I smiled. There would be no parents for almost a whole year. This was going to be great. We boarded the train and found an empty compartment in the middle and waited for the train to move. Eventually, when it did, and students started moving about in the halls Crabbe and Goyle came to find Draco. The two boys opened the door and stepped into the compartment, both talking at once.

"Pansy, this is Crabbe and this is Goyle. Guys this is Pansy." He indicated who was who and they looked me over slowly.

"Hi," I said and waited for their response. When they didn´t answer I shrugged and smiled at Draco. I didn´t want him thinking that I didn´t like his friends.

"We´re going to go see if we know anyone else here. Do you want to come?" I shook my head and stared after Draco as he left. I sat alone in my compartment thinking of the boy with the red hair and gorgeous eyes. Once we arrived at Hogwarts I was bound to see him again, so I put my worries aside and enjoyed the rest of the ride. When Draco returned, he told me that Harry Potter was on the train. The Harry Potter, the boy who lived, the boy who had defeated the Dark Lord! I was interested in spite of myself. Draco told me that Potter had blown him off and was hanging out with a Weasley. I had heard this name around my house as well as Draco´s. What had his father always said? "All the Weasley´s have red hair, freckles and more children then they can afford." Yup, that was it. I never even caught on that the mystery boy I was looking forward to seeing could in fact be a Weasley. The thought never even crossed my mind.

The four of us talked and I soon realized that Crabbe and Goyle weren´t that bad. That even though they were huge and intimidating they were quite shy. I knew then that they would be good friends to have along for the next seven years. When we pulled into the station we were all in our new Hogwarts robes and wasted no time in scampering off the train and into the night. I looked to Draco for direction but he had no idea where we were to go either. So, like the rest of the first years, we stood around waiting for someone to show us where to go.

A lamp lit up the night and a deep voice called, "Firs´ years! Firs´ years over here! All right there Harry?" I stepped up to the imposing man with Draco and gazed straight up at the giant figure. I remembered then what my father had said about giants. "Never to be trusted, but very useful when needed." I had no idea what he was talking about but I had listened none-the-less. This particular man was massive and hairy and I knew right away that he would be trouble. A giant can never be anything but.

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