Bittersweet

Be careful what you wish for.

I remember my mother always telling me that every time I wanted something. I never believed her. Not once. I never understood why I should be careful. I mean, didn't I deserve the things I wished for?

Irony sure is a bitch.

It's not like I'm not happy, I'm Mrs. Harry-fucking-Potter, god damn it. Every single non-muggle girl in the world wishes she could be me. How could I not be happy? He's all I've ever wanted, everything I ever dreamed about as a little girl. Beautiful, honest, funny, sweet and I know he loves me, but not like I want him to. It seems like a waste of stars and birthday candles now, because no matter how much I give him, no matter how much I love him, I know it'll never be enough.

I've tried so hard to be everything to him, like he is to me. And sometimes when he smiles at me I think, maybe just this once it'll be enough but then I'll notice how his smile just doesn't quite meet his eyes and that cold, sinking, hollow feeling fills my chest all over again.

I know he needs me, but need and want are two completely different words aren't they? He needs me because he needs someone to love, someone to help him try to forget her. He wants her because he knows that he'll never be whole without her. I've given him everything that I have twice over and still he won't give me that little piece of him I want, the piece that I need, the piece that will show me that I'm not wasting my life on a shadow of my dream. The piece that he keeps for her.

How hard have I tried over the years to replace her? And maybe that's where I went wrong. I shouldn't try to replace her, but what else could I do? If I didn't replace her, she would still be in his head, on his thoughts, just like she is now. So then I guess it doesn't really matter what I do. After all this time, he still loves her and I hate her for it. I know I shouldn't, it's not rational, but I can't help it. She's taken the best part of him and she's not even here to enjoy it.

I hate it that he still loves her. I hate it that he never looks at me the way he looks at her. I hate that she makes him happy like I never could. I hate that he laughs at all her jokes, even when they're not funny. I hate how he always has time for her no matter what. I hate it that he'll never be completely be mine because of her and most of all I hate that there's not a thing I can do about it.

It really hurts to know that I was his second choice. She loves him, she really does. I remember the way she looks at him because it's engraved into my brain. She looks at him the way I want him to look at me. The way he still looks at her. But he was too late. He came after her too late because she had already packed her bags and walked out of his life.

After seven years of his friendship she finally told him that she was leaving. Leaving Hogwarts, leaving London, and most of all, leaving him. She would leave him on the 10:30 train unless he gave her a reason to stay.

He got to the train station just in time to see the train leaving.

She's the only one who can heal him and she isn't here. She's off in Ireland with Oliver Wood. The suave and handsome Oliver Wood. Everyone knows he's not the one for her, and maybe that makes it even worse. He knows that Oliver isn't the one for her, and that gives him hope.

This ring on my finger is a lie but I won't believe it. I can't believe it because it's all I have. This ring keeps me here and I know it. He knows it, Ron knows it, my mother knows it. Even she knows it.

He doesn't want me to leave him like she did, but at the same time I know he knows, that I'll never be able to leave him, not even if I wanted to and maybe that makes her happy.

She's nothing but sweet to me and that makes it worse. She's never been anything but sweet to me, but I know she knows. Because even though she smiles at me and invites me over for dinner I can see her looking at me when she thinks I don't know and I know she knows the truth. She's the only one. She knows that I wished he would miss the train and that I didn't fall down those stairs on accident. I threw myself down those stairs so that he would stay. That he would stay with me, so that he'd miss the train and that she would leave him.

I paid such a price for my dream and she knows it. Perhaps he knows too, I've often wondered but if he does he's never mentioned anything.

She knows how jealous I was, how much I wanted him, and I think that's why she doesn't say anything, because she feels sorry for me, because she can't help but pity little Virginia Weasley.

She'd never do anything so pathetic or desperate, because she's Hermione Granger, God's gift to the world. She's so god damned perfect I want to rip her hair out sometimes.

I got him out of default, because she had to go and be all self-sacrificing and noble and let me have him, because I know that she would have understood and given him another chance, but one look at me and she knew. Knew what I'd done and she decided that if I would do something that was so pitiable that I must be desperately in love with him, so she backed off.

That's the part that kills me more then her letting me have him. That she could have him back anytime she wanted. That she still has that power over him.

It's not like she's a beautiful seductress of anything either, more of a bookish girl who cares more about her wits and knowledge then her looks. Not that she isn't attractive though. Sure, her hair is slightly bushy, even though it's nowhere near as thick as it used to be in her adolescence and her front teeth are slightly big, but I think she's gotten them fixed. She doesn't have too bad of a body though. She has the kind of legs that any girl would kill for and a curvy hips and a petite little waist, not that you could see it under the conservative clothes she wears.

I should be a knockout with my flaming raven hair, which drives the men crazy, my hourglass figure, full breasts, pouty lips and hazel but I still can't compare to her. Not to him at least. All she has to do is smile and he forgets about everyone else in the room, including me.

Especially me.

You'll never know until you realize you have everything you ever wanted but nothing at the same time.

Be careful what you wish for.