Harry Potter Hogwarts Caretaker

Chapter 5: Albus

Harry followed Albus Dumbledore up to his office without a word. What could he have said? He probably should have thanked him for giving him a chance and a new job, but right now, after his encounter with Lavender and seeing who he'd be working with he didn't feel all too happy about working at Hogwarts.

Dumbledore didn't say anything either. He walked ahead smiling back at Harry occasionally as if he expected him to start the conversation. Harry remained silent.

Tired pupils passed them in large groups on the way to their dorms. Harry remembered the first time he'd seen the Gryffindor common room hidden behind the portrait of the fat lady and how impressed he'd been. He'd also managed to sneak into the Slytherin common room once and he remembered wondering what Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw looked like. Well, very soon now he'd know. He'd get to clean them, after all.

He wondered how he was supposed to keep all of the large castle clean on his own. Or was there some spell he was supposed to use to help him? But Filch had been a squib. He couldn't have performed any spells. So how had the old caretaker managed? Magic equipment?

Dumbledore led Harry into the office and closed the door behind them.

"We missed you, Harry." he said softly.

Harry didn't answer. Yeah, sure. Lavender Brown had obviously missed him. That was why she didn't want to sit next to him during the feast. Neville and Charlie however had really seemed happy to see him and Neville hadn't even been expecting him. Well, maybe he did have one friend among the staff. Neville was as new as he was. That might make him want to stick with Harry no matter what he'd done.

Oh sure, Neville the war hero. Why would he? He'd been welcomed by the staff like he'd always belonged here. Of course he had been. They shared so many memories. Memories of the great battle they'd fought together while Harry had been sitting in his small cell in Azkaban wondering what had become of the people he'd once called friends. Maybe he should have tried to find out after they'd let him out. Maybe he should have come back, just to say a few good byes.

"I let you disappear into the muggle world, because I thought that it that was what you wanted, you'd be all right there. You were raised by muggles after all. I expected you'd know what you were doing, but you didn't, did you?"

Harry again said nothing. What was there to say? He'd drifted about after he'd gotten out of Azkaban. He'd seen almost the whole world, running from himself, running from what he'd done, running from what all the people in the wizarding world must think of him. Well, now he was here. No more running. There was no more place to run to.

"I always kept watching you from the distance, you know." Dumbledore sighed. "I thought you'd calm down after a while, find a place where you wanted to stay, but you always kept moving on doing an odd job here this week another there the next. You made it really hard for me to follow your movements. I nearly lost you a couple of times."

"I did not ask you to follow me." Harry stated, his voice trembling slightly despite his best effort at sounding casual. "I didn't want to be followed. I wanted to be left alone, to get away from the wizarding world."

"Ah, but I did leave you alone. I was just watching, never interfering. I let you go your way. I thought you were old enough to know what you were doing. I trusted you that you'd be able to work it out and then ... " Dumbledore stopped and stared at Harry for a while.

"Harry, why did you try to take your own life?" he then asked softly. "Why didn't you ever ask for my help if you were that desperate? Didn't I always do my best to help you out whenever you were in trouble? Why would you want to die rather than turn to me?"

Harry stared at the floor at his feet. Dumbledore sounded so sad, so disappointed. But shouldn't he have been disappointed a long time before Harry had ended up in that muggle hospital after he'd slit his wrists? And what was he expecting him to say about it?

"But I didn't want your help. I didn't want to come back here. All that time I was travelling, moving on? I was looking for a place where I wouldn't remember, where I could be just any muggle and never have anything to do with the wizarding world again. But I couldn't find it. There is no such place. Too many of my memories are tied to the wizarding world and all of them always lead me back to what I did. I disappointed all of you. How could I come back? I no longer belong here. Why did you make me come back?"

"Because I don't want you to die, Harry. Because I think that I can help you, that this is the best for you. Here is where you belong, Harry. This is your home. As I said: We all missed you. We want you back and you need us."

"Oh sure, like Lavender wants me? Or McGonagall? Oh yes, McGonagall's pretending everything's all right, but she can't really look me in the eyes when she's talking to me. She's too disappointed and with a good reason."

"She still missed you. She doesn't know how to talk to you after you've been gone for so long, but she'll get over that in time.' Lavender, I admit, isn't too thrilled to see you again, but then the two of you were never very close. There will always be people who don't like you. You can't be everybody's friend. The others will accept you. Give them a chance and they'll even be your friends."

"Oh really? What makes you so sure they'll forgive me?" laughed Harry bitterly.

"They forgave Severus." Dumbledore said calmly. "Why wouldn't they do the same for you?"

Harry stared at the headmaster.

"Snape's everybody's hero. Of course they'd forgive him after what he's done to redeem himself."

"They forgave him long before that, Harry." Dumbledore said earnestly. "It was hard for him to accept it though." he smiled. "The rest of the world forgave Severus long before he forgave himself. You ought to talk to him, Harry. If anyone can give you advice on how to handle your memories, it's Severus."

"Oh really? You think he knows how I feel?"

"You think he never wanted to die?" Dumbledore shot back imitating his challenging tone. "You have no idea what I've been through with Severus. He's alright now, but it took us a very long time to get there. He can help you to find that way too. Please Harry, I mean it. Talk to Severus. Tell him how you feel. He will help you."

Harry sighed. Talk to Severus Snape about his feelings? About all the things he'd done? About the mistakes he made? About Azkaban? About trying to kill himself? Severus Snape of all people? Severus who was so strong? Who'd risked his life to make up for his mistakes while Harry had run away from them? Severus Snape the great hero? No impossible. He couldn't even look Snape in the eyes after all that he'd done. At least he didn't know about his attempt to flee from life as a whole. Or did he?

"You didn't tell them what I did, did you? You didn't tell them that I ... that I ..." Harry couldn't go on. He couldn't say it.

"That you tried to kill yourself?" Dumbledore finished for him.

Harry nodded unable to speak.

"Of course I did. They needed to know what had happened. Why I decided to get involved in your life again all of a sudden. And they needed to know if they were going to help you deal with it. They are your friends, Harry. Most of them were close to you once."

'Too close.' thought Harry, but he decided not to say so. Dumbledore wouldn't accept it.

"I wish you hadn't. I don't wish to talk about these things. Not to them and not to you either. It's my problem and I'll deal with it as I see fit."

'Stay out of my life.' he thought. 'It's hard enough to try and not think about it without you constantly reminding me.'

"Very well." said Dumbledore.' "If that's how you want it. Here are your keys. You know where your room and office are. I could try to explain your duties to you, but I suggest you ask your friend Dobby about that. He was Argus' assistant during the last five years and knows his stuff way better than I do. Actually the house elves all know their jobs pretty well and hardly need any supervision at all. So I suggest you start by reading the students' files and talk to Dobby about the rest. If you have any further questions after that do not hesitate to come to me. In fact do not hesitate to come to me, if you don't have any questions. I'd love to just sit down and chat with you whenever you feel like it."

Harry took the offered keys and headed for the door. He was grateful to be able to leave. Come back to chat? No, thank you.

"Thank you, headmaster. I'm sure I'll find my way around."

"And Harry!"

Harry turned around and looked back at the headmaster in surprise.

"Please, call me Albus. All the staff do. We're a big family here, you know." Dumbledore smiled encouragingly at him.

"Yes, Sir. I'll try." answered Harry and slipped out the door as fast as he could.

The moment Harry stepped out something white dashed towards him, stopped short at the sight of his clothes once again and then quickly climbed up onto his shoulder.

"Hi, Twichy." Harry wasn't even startled by the ferret's sudden appearance anymore. "Where were you? I thought you'd left me."

Twichy tickled Harry's left ear. Then raced over to the right shoulder. Harry made a half hearted grab for him and was totally surprised to feel something soft and furry in his hand. He pulled Twichy away from him for a little inspection. The ferret was cute with his long quivering beard, twitching nose and gentle gray eyes.

Gray eyes? Weren't white ferrets supposed to have red eyes like white mice did? Obviously not. Harry smiled at his furry new friend.

"You're wondering why I'm not wearing robes like everybody else, aren't you? They'd be easier to climb. Well, you see, I don't have any robes and no money to buy any."

The ferret looked at him with such a sad expression, that it almost seemed he had understood and was feeling sorry for Harry.

"That's okay little friend. I'll buy some once I get my first pay. Then you can climb me up and down as much as you want. ... Though you'll probably do that anyway."

Was it Harry's imagination or had the ferret just nodded?

"You know something? I've got house elves to work for me." he went on gently stroking the soft white fur. "And I was wondering how I was supposed to keep the entire castle clean all by myself"

Twichy seemed to roll his eyes as if to say: 'Of course you do. I knew that. Didn't you?'

"Honest, I had no idea. I never did think much about Filch and his job." he sat the ferret back onto his shoulder. "Come on, let's explore my new room together."

He walked down to where Filch had had his office and entered a little shyly even though he knew that there would be noone inside. The room still looked just the same as Harry remembered it. He'd have to get rid of the manacles first thing tomorrow morning. All the dusty files were still there as well. Harry decided that he only needed to read and keep those of the pupils currently still at Hogwarts. Maybe he could find an empty classroom to store those that were of no use to him.

He quickly walked through the office and into the room behind it. It was sparsely furnished and looked empty and unused. Well, what had he expected? Filch had of course taken all his stuff with him when he'd moved out.

Twichy leaped off his shoulder onto the bed and watched curiously as Harry unpacked his few belongings. It took less than five minutes.

Harry wondered if the ferret and Filch had been friends. It didn't seem likely remembering Mrs Norris and the speed with which her sharp claws shout out at anything small and twitchy.

"Does it still smell of cat in here?" he asked the ferret. "Don't worry I haven't got any nasty pet to chase you about. I used to have an owl, but I don't know what became of her when I was arrested. She probably wouldn't remember me anyway. It's been nearly ten years."

Twichy looked at Harry with sympathy and Harry sat down on the bed beside him. Twichy immediately jumped into his lap.

"I don't like to talk about these things, you know, but I have disappointed them all. All those huge humans running around in long robes for you to climb." he said softly. "They must all hate me now, but some also feel sorry for me. That's why I'm here. Because Albus Dumbledore feels sorry for me. ... He says he wants me to come and talk to him about my problems. As if I could just go and tell him that I don't want to be here and would much prefer to be dead."

The ferret gave an alarmed squeak. Harry started. Had he squeezed some delicate body part to tightly. He picked Twichy up and examined him carefully. The ferret squirmed, slipped out of his hand and retreated to his shoulder once more where he proceeded to tickle his ear.

"Are you okay, Twichy? I didn't mean to hurt you. I just don't know how to correctly handle a ferret. I've never met one before."

But Twichy seemed just fine. He kept racing around Harry happily tickling him here and there and making him laugh. That felt good. Harry hadn't laughed in a long time. Too bad Twichy didn't belong to him. He was really making him feel better. Maybe he ought to buy himself a pet before he went to buy robes? Something small and cuddly just like Twichy? It would be nice to have a companion of his own when Twichy got found and dragged back home by his owner. Was that why Filch had kept that annoying cat around? Because he hadn't had any other friends? Harry was beginning to feel sorry for the former caretaker, but it was too late to make amends now.

The ferret stayed around until Harry started getting ready for bed. Then he suddenly jumped off the bed and disappeared into an air vent.

"Hey wait!" Harry called after him. "You can sleep here if you want to. I'll make you a nice bed in an open drawer or something."

But Twichy didn't seem to want to sleep in Harry's drawer. Either that or he was already out of earshot. He didn't come back.

So Harry climbed into bed feeling lonely once again and soon fell asleep. He'd have a lot to do in the morning. If only the whole staff didn't know about his suicide attempt. That was one thing he'd have liked to keep to himself.

In the next chapter: we talk to the muggle studies teacher, learn about the fate of most of the Weasleys and Dobby makes an apperance (How does he do it? I didn't plan to write him into this fic.).