Numb

"What do you want from me?" That's perhaps the most uttered phrase when I am around my father. He always has had "plans" for me, always pushes me to do what he wants to do. But it always boils down to what he thinks he would do at my age. What I should do...

I'm tired of being what you want me to be feeling so faithless, lost under the surface. I don't know what you're expecting of me, put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

I feel as if I'm being pulled along...dragged against my will into being something that I'm not. There you are dragging me along, every step of the way. So I try to step out from your shadow and impress you, but it doesn't work, it will never work.

[Caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that I take is another mistake to you.
[Caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]

I don't care what you think anymore, Father. I want you out of my life and out of my head. Our lives will never be as they once were. You are nothing more than a ridiculous toady to a man who can't seem to defeat a sixteen year old boy. What does that say to me as I try to grow up and step away from what you've created as my legacy?

I've become so numb. I can't feel you there. I've become so tired so much more aware.
I'm becoming this. All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you.

Father, just let me go. I will never be what you want me to be. No matter how hard you try, I will never be what you are.

Can't you see that you're smothering me holding too tightly...

Let me go, Father. Let me do what I want and leave me out of your plans. Not everything has to go your way. Considering where you are today, even you should realize that even the most careful plans go awry.

...afraid to lose control, cause everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you.

I can see my life as it once could have been, without your hatred. Because of you, I see my life slipping away with no means of redemption. Everything that I could have had is just flying out of my grasp. It is pulled away from me as I can do naught but watch my future fly from me.

[Caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
every step that I take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow]
and every second I waste is more than I can take

I never want to see you again. I never want to hear from you again. Nothing you can say will make me want to change my mind. Of course, I cannot stop you from trying to control me since I am not of age, but even that will not last long. You may have had a hold on me years ago, but I no longer feel the tug of that string.

I've become so numb. I can't feel you there. I've become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you

On my own, at least I have a chance to become my own person. I may end up a bigot with no point to my life, but at least I reached there on my own. I want to be something other than someone who lives in a big house and creates problems for the fun of it all. Maybe you felt like me once. Maybe my grandfather treated you like you treat me, but I will tell you now...I will not end up like you. I no longer care about what control you think you have.

And I know I may end up failing too.
But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I will become my own person. You no longer can stop that. Stop trying to berate me from your position. Your jibes no longer mean anything to me. Your taunts are worthless and your barbs are pointless.

I've become so numb. I can't feel you there. I've become so tired, so much more aware. I'm becoming this, all I want to do is be more like me and be less like you.

I will not help you get out of your predicament. As far as I care, you can rot in your cell. I no longer want nor need your presence and "guiding hand" to raise me. Oh, do not worry Father; I will not do anything to dishonor our name, at least not anything worse than you have already done. Perhaps you and I have different views as to what constitutes dishonor, but I feel being sent to an island with common criminals is about as low as you can go.

Are you worried that I might become involved with a Mudblood? Father, you are truly naïve sometimes. There is no Muggle-born witch that would want to be seen with me. It is actually rather difficult to find a pure blood witch that does not look like a dog that wants to be around me. I have felt smothered by you for fifteen years and now I see that you will continue to smother me for years to come. You have guaranteed that I will only be able to spend time with someone as cruel, malicious, and bigoted as someone like you.

Have you ever envied Potter? I am starting to envy him, not because he is destined to save us all or that he is famous or even that he is popular at our school. No, I envy him because he does not have a father like you. He did not have to deal with everything that I am. He does not have to constantly fight the negative images that are conjured when someone utters the name of Malfoy.

I am never coming to see you again, and I never want to see you again. Should you be fortunate enough to track me down, I will never talk to you.

Leave me alone.