Consequences

Chapter Ten

The Full Moon

Sirius had severe doubts about Lily's advice, but, never one for half measures, he spent the next couple of weeks throwing himself into the task of 'being nice.' He helped Peter with his homework without making caustic remarks about his friend's academic abilities, he listened sympathetically to James' laments about his love for Lily, he rescued a first year who had got his foot stuck in a vanishing stair, offered to help an astonished Professor Kettleburn clean out the Knarls, and even managed to keep fighting with Slytherins down to an absolute bare minimum. It wasn't difficult, though Sirius was starting to get rather bored of the whole thing, and, more to the point, increasingly concerned that it was all completely pointless. Remus' only reaction was to look at Sirius quizzically from time to time with an expression that suggested he was entertaining growing fears for his friend's sanity.

The problem was, Sirius told Lily after updating her on his latest list of Good Deeds, that he didn't really see that there was much point in random and unprovoked niceness (which, for some reason, frequently drew suspicious looks from his classmates). Sirius didn't want to be nice to the world in general; he wanted to do something for Remus.

Eventually, inevitably, the time came when Sirius could do something for Remus. It was the full moon. Sirius spent the last few days leading up to the full moon in a state of nervous excitement. This, he was sure, was his chance to prove that he could do a good thing. Hadn't that been the whole point of becoming an Animagus in the first place, to do something nice for Remus? So he wouldn't have to go through the ordeal alone? Remus had spent the past three full moons alone--two during the summer holidays and the last full moon, that night. Sirius' feelings of guilt at betraying his friend's secret intensified as he remembered that he had also caused Remus to spend another night alone in the Shack.

But this, he told himself, was his chance to start to make up for it. Helping Remus through his transformations was undeniably nice, not in a stupid, meaningless way like letting someone else have the last piece of cake or carrying some books for an overburdened teacher. It was special, important, and worthwhile.

************

'I don't want you there,' said Remus. 'I'm going on my own.'

Sirius felt his stomach drop. He hadn't expected this. He opened his mouth to protest, but no words came out.

'What are you talking about?' asked James, thunderstruck. 'Why would you want to go on your own?'

'I'm not prepared to discuss it,' Remus told him. 'I've made my mind up, and that's final.'

'Oh, it is, is it?' sneered James. 'And I suppose we don't even merit an explanation? After all, we only spent the three years learning to do this for your sake; it's not as if--'

'Prongs, that's enough,' Sirius interrupted. 'Just lay off him, all right?

'Oh, don't you start,' exclaimed James in exasperation. 'I think we're entitled to a reason at least, don't you?' He glowered at Remus. 'Well?'

Remus didn't answer. He looked ridiculously uncomfortable. The dormitory was horribly silent _ James glowering, Peter fidgeting, Remus hovering by the door, and Sirius staring at him imploringly. Sirius couldn't stand it for long. 'We just want to help you,' he whispered. 'Don't...don't be like this.'

Remus turned and looked at him. 'I don't want you,' he said to Sirius, 'anywhere near me tonight. Do you understand?'

Sirius gazed back at him. Remus' expression was impenetrable--he didn't look angry. No, thought Sirius, I don't understand at all.

'When you two have quite finished trying to stare each other out,' interjected James, 'would someone mind telling me what the fuck is the problem here?'

Remus turned to face him. 'He isn't coming,' he said.

'He has a name,' said James warningly, 'and he's your friend. We all are. Stop pushing us away.'

Remus took a step towards him. 'Then stop trying to push me around.'

'OK, fine,' said James. He seemed to be making a great effort to sound more conciliatory. 'Wormtail and I will come out, just this time. Next month, we go back to all four of us going out together. OK?'

'Is that a good idea?' asked Peter. 'I mean, is it safe?'

'It's fine,' snapped James. 'Look, if you're that worried, we won't go out. We'll just stay in the Shack. OK?' He looked around at his roommates, his expression making it clear no disagreements would be tolerated.

'Fine, whatever,' muttered Remus, turning to go. 'I'll see you later.'

Sirius sat in silence, staring at the door Remus had just left through for several minutes. He wouldn't even look at me when he left, he thought. Stupid, stupid, stupid--whatever made me think he'd welcome any help from me at the full moon after what I did during the last one? He was interrupted from his thoughts by James sitting next to him on the bed and nudging him slightly.

'Padfoot, are you all right with this?'

'Sure.' Sirius forced a smile. 'It doesn't matter.'

'Liar,' said James, watching him intently. 'Look, don't stress over it. It's just one night. That's all.'

'Yeah,' agreed Sirius. 'It's only one night.' Another lie, he thought miserably.

************

After Peter and James left for the Shrieking Shack, Sirius was left alone in the dormitory for the first time he could remember. He paced up and down the room, occasionally stopping to make a half-hearted attempt at doing some homework or reading a book, but he couldn't concentrate. He considered sneaking down to the kitchens to get some chocolate to take to Remus the following day but decided he couldn't risk getting caught while he was under curfew and would have to wait until James got back with the cloak and the Map. He retrieved a telescope from the bottom of his trunk and leant out of the dormitory window, trying to see the Shack, but there were too many trees in the way. He even thought about going to find Lily but realised she would only ask a lot of awkward questions.

Eventually, he lay down on Remus' bed and fell into a fitful sleep, only to be awoken shortly after by James and Peter's premature return. 'What you doing back already?' he asked blearily.

'Er, moon went down early,' said James. 'We left Moony to sleep it off.'

'How can the moon go down early?' asked Sirius.

'Well, it doesn't stay out for so long in winter,' James replied. 'It, uh, changes depending on the time of year.'

'Does it?' queried Peter, looking surprised. 'I never noticed before.'

'Yes, of course it does,' snapped James. 'Now be quiet and let Padfoot get some sleep.'

Peter withered under James' stare. 'Oh, yeah. Sorry. 'Night, Padfoot.'

'G'night,' muttered Sirius.

************

Sirius waited until Peter was in the bathroom to tackle James the following morning. 'Prongs,' he said cheerfully, 'what was that complete bollocks you were talking about the moon going down early last night?'

James smiled sheepishly. 'Ah, you noticed that, did you?' he said. 'I was hoping you were too sleepy to pick up on it properly.'

'Well, I was at the time, but now I'm awake enough to have full control of my mental faculties, and I couldn't help but wonder what you were blathering on about.'

'I made it up,' admitted James. 'I didn't want to tell you...we came back early.'

'Why?'

'I'll tell you,' said James cautiously, 'but you've got to promise not to freak out.'

'Prongs, stop it, you're scaring me,' fretted Sirius. 'What happened? Did someone get hurt? Is Moony all right?'

'No, calm down,' said James. 'No one got hurt--and Moony's fine, I think--but we had to go. He got much more aggressive than usual, probably down to being stuck in the Shack. Wormtail didn't like it; he only becomes such a little animal, so we had to come back.'

'You just left him!' exclaimed Sirius. 'I can't believe you'd do that. And what do you mean you think he's all right? Why didn't you make sure?'

'It wasn't safe, that's why,' said James. 'I could hardly risk letting Wormtail get hurt, could I? We're both fine, by the way.'

'Sorry,' mumbled Sirius, sitting down and putting his head in his hands. 'I'm just worried about Moony. I feel bad that I wasn't there.'

'Yeah, I know,' said James, patting him on the shoulder. 'Look, I'm sure Moony will be fine. He wasn't hurt or anything when we left.'

'OK, well, I'd better go and see how he is.' Sirius went to stand up, but James pulled him back.

'Leave it,' he said. 'Let him have some sleep and some breakfast. We'll all go down later.'

Sirius nodded. 'Yeah, OK.'

************

None of the other Marauders got to see Remus that day or the next. Madam Pomfrey insisted that he needed complete rest, and no amount of pleading, cajoling, or pestering from Sirius would persuade her to change her mind and allow any visitors.

'No, Mr Black, there's nothing seriously wrong with him,' she had assured Sirius, 'he simply needs to rest. He'll be out on Saturday after breakfast. You'll just have to wait until then.'

Saturday was the first Hogsmeade visit of the year. That morning at breakfast, James was talking in an animated whisper about how Sirius could sneak out of the castle and meet them in the village.

'...I'll lend you the cloak, and we'll meet you in the Hog's Head, all right?'

Sirius shook his head. 'No,' he said, 'I'm not going.'

James was taken aback. 'Why not?'

'I'm not allowed, remember?'

'That's never stopped you before.'

'Well, it's stopping me this time, OK?' snapped Sirius. 'I just don't feel like it.'

'Then we'll stay here with you, won't we, Wormtail?' James turned to Peter, who nodded his agreement.

'I don't need babysitting, you know,' said Sirius. 'You should go. Moony'll want to go, and, well, I expect he'd prefer it if I wasn't around, anyway.'

'Oh, not this again.' James rolled his eyes. 'What's going on with you two? I thought you'd straightened things out?'

'Obviously not,' said Sirius. 'Look, just go, have a good time, and I'll see you tonight.'

'Fine,' said James, standing up to leave. 'We'll leave you to feel sorry for yourself in peace. C'mon, Wormtail, we'll meet Moony in the hospital wing.'

Peter hesitated for a moment after James left. 'Do you want us to get you anything?' he asked Sirius.

'No, thanks, Wormtail,' answered Sirius with a small smile. 'I'll be fine. Don't worry; I'll stay well away from the lake.'

'If you're sure,' grinned Peter, looking relieved. 'See you.' He hurried off after James.

************

Sirius spent most of the morning moping about the castle, feeling sorry for himself, just as James had predicted, and trying not to think about Remus. After spending over an hour staring out the library window, he decided that the library was probably the very worst place not to think about Remus and went back to Gryffindor tower instead.

When he got back to the dormitory, he discovered it would be harder not to think about Remus there than anywhere else because Remus was sitting on his bed, looking thoroughly dejected.

'Moony, what's wrong?' asked Sirius as he crossed the room and sat down next to him. 'Why aren't you in Hogsmeade with the others?'

Remus stared down at the floor. 'I just didn't feel up to it. I wasn't in the mood for being sociable.'

'Are you all right?' Sirius' voice was full of concern. 'You don't look so good.'

'I'm just a bit tired,' sighed Remus.

'Prongs told me,' said Sirius, 'about the other night, the full moon. Was it really awful?'

Remus shrugged. 'Yeah, well, some times are worse than others. It was pretty bad,' he admitted.

'I wish you'd let me come.'

'I know,' said Remus, turning to face him. 'I was scared to let you. I was afraid that I might hurt you.'

'You've never hurt me,' whispered Sirius. 'Never.'

'I was frightened, though,' said Remus quietly, 'of what might happen. But...this sounds so stupid...I think I missed you.'

'It's not stupid,' said Sirius softly. He lifted his hand and gently stroked Remus' hair back off his face. 'It won't happen again. I'll come next time, OK?' Remus just nodded. 'I want to be there,' Sirius continued. 'I always want to be with you.'

Remus looked up. His face was barely inches from Sirius' as he looked at him with wide, sad eyes. Sirius couldn't bear to see him looking so miserable, so he closed his eyes and kissed him.

Remus flinched ever so slightly as Sirius' lips brushed against his, just for a second, before he kissed him back. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and pulled him close, kissing him harder. Kissing to say I love you, I'm sorry, I want you, kisses full of longing, desperation and comfort. Sirius felt Remus' hand stroke his hair and another planted firmly on the small of his back as his lips moved away from Remus' mouth, leaving a soft trail of gentle butterfly kisses across the other boy's face and then the top of his hair as Remus leant against him, pressing his head against Sirius' chest. Sirius held him tenderly, wanting to feel the warmth of Remus pressed up against him forever; to console him, to make it better. This wasn't being nice--it was everything.

'I hate it,' said Remus at last.

Sirius gave him a playful squeeze. 'What, kissing?' he smiled. 'I didn't think I was that bad at it.'

'No, fuckwit,' said Remus, squeezing him closer. 'Being a werewolf.'

'Oh.' There wasn't much else to say.

'You don't get it, do you?' Remus angled his head back and looked up at Sirius. 'You never did. When you all found out, I remember the first thing you said. That is was "brilliant." Even now I sometimes think you actually like that I'm a werewolf.'

'I do,' said Sirius earnestly, staring back at Remus. 'I mean, I don't like all of it; I hate that it hurts you and that people think they can treat you like shit because of it. I like it, though, because it's part of you.' He paused and kissed Remus lightly. 'I like everything about you.'

'Sirius,' said Remus. 'This isn't right.' Sirius stiffened. Remus hadn't moved, but he sounded further away. Please don't let this happen, he thought to himself, don't push me away now.

'Please,' said Sirius, struggling to keep the note of desperation out of his voice. 'Please...I know I don't deserve it.' He kissed Remus again. 'But please forgive me, anyway. I can't stand you being angry with me anymore.' Remus didn't answer, and Sirius became more desperate. 'Please Moony...Remus, I need you.'

Remus drew away from him. 'I can't be the one to save you.'

Sirius was confused. 'I don't understand,' he said, panicking slightly. 'Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it. Remus, just tell me. I want to make it better, but I don't know how.'

'Then I can't help you,' said Remus sadly. He sighed. 'You should go.'

'Is that what you really want?'

Remus nodded. 'Please, just go. I can't do this.'

Sirius stood up. 'Just so you know,' he told Remus, 'I don't want to. I won't stop trying to change your mind.' He walked out of the dormitory, feeling like every step was breaking his heart. But he didn't look back.