Consequences

Chapter Eight

Something Like In Love

The Muggle Studies office was empty when Sirius arrived. Checking his watch, he noticed that Lily wasn't likely to arrive for another ten minutes (or forty, in the unlikely event that James had been telling the truth about Lily changing the time). Sirius wandered around the office, still grinning slightly at the thought that he had finally made some progress in patching things up with Remus. He wandered over to the window, pushed it open, and leaned outside. There was, as Lily had noted during their first detention, a balcony outside. Deciding he had nothing better to do with his time, Sirius hoisted himself up on the window frame and wriggled out onto the balcony to explore.

It was a long, wide balcony, stretching across the length of several classrooms. Sirius walked up and down, idly glancing into classrooms and out at the view across the Forbidden Forest. When he arrived back at the window to the office, he was surprised to hear voices. Damn, he thought. Prongs must have caught up with Evans in the corridor. Realising that there was nothing he could now do to prevent his friend from making yet another futile attempt to ask Lily out, he decided that he might at least enjoy listening to James making a fool of himself again, and so he pressed himself up against the wall to eavesdrop.

'Evans, I just wanted to talk to you,' James was saying.

'Well, you'd better make it quick,' Lily replied. 'I've got better things to do with my time than stand around, chatting with you.'

'Yeah, I know,' said James. 'You're seeing Sirius again tonight, aren't you?'

'I don't see that it's any of your business.'

'Well, I know you are because he told me, and actually, I do think it's my business.'

'Oh, for heaven's sake, Potter,' sighed Lily. 'Black told me you were jealous, but this is just ridiculous. In case it has escaped your attention, I do not want to go out with you, so you don't have any say over who I see or talk to.'

'I didn't mean it like that!' cried James. 'I know there's nothing going on with you and Sirius. Do you really believe that's all I think about?'

'Well, what do you want to talk to me about?' asked Lily stiffly.

'Sirius. This counselling thing you're doing with him,' said James. 'Do you really think it will make a difference?'

Oh, fantastic, thought Sirius as he listened outside. Does everyone want to talk about me these days?

'Look, I can't talk to you about it,' Lily explained. 'It's confidential.'

'I'm not just being nosy, you know! He's my best friend.'

'I know that,' Lily snapped. 'But that doesn't mean I have to tell you anything.'

'No, you don't have to tell me anything,' murmured James so quietly that Sirius had to strain to hear him. 'But I was just hoping that maybe...maybe you could really help him. Because I can't.'

When Lily answered, her tone was softer. 'You're really worried about him, aren't you?'

'Yeah,' said James sadly. 'He's so unhappy. It's not just the thing with Snape; he's been acting strange for ages. It's got worse since then, though. And Remus isn't exactly helping by not even talking to him.'

'Well, you can't really blame him for that, can you?'

'You sound like Sirius. He won't have a word said against Remus, either. I suppose he feels guilty.'

'Maybe,' Lily said. 'Really, though, I can't talk to you about it. If it makes you feel any better, I will do my best.'

'I know you will. And I really appreciate it.' Even though Sirius couldn't see James, he could picture the oh so endearing awkward smile he would be flashing at Lily with these words and chuckled quietly to himself at the thought.

'You're welcome,' Lily told James. 'Though you'd better get off before Black gets here. He's pretty touchy about people talking about him.'

'OK,' said James cheerfully. 'Unless, of course...well, unless you'd consider going out with me so I can show my appreciation properly.'

'Quit while you're ahead, Potter.'

'Fair enough,' laughed James. 'You can't blame me for trying, though.'

Sirius waited until he heard the door close before popping his head back through the window.

'Evans, have you no soul?' He grinned. 'Poor old James opens his heart to you, and you still turn him down like a bedspread.'

Lily started slightly. 'Bloody hell, Black, what are you doing out there?'

'Exploring the balcony. It's great out here. You can see right the way over the Forest and everything.'

'But why?' asked Lily feebly. 'Why would anyone want to start climbing through the windows of a perfectly serviceable office?'

'Looking for a good spot to jump,' answered Sirius, wiggling his eyebrows. 'Seriously, though, I turned up early because I'd had a tip that James was going to attempt to throw himself at you again, so I felt duty bound to stop him giving you another opportunity to cruelly reject him. But I got bored waiting and decided to have a look around. I hope Remus isn't too miffed with me for completely failing in my mission to avoid the five hundredth blow-out you've given James.'

Lily rolled her eyes. 'What's it got to do with Lupin?'

'He's the one that tipped me off about what James was up to,' beamed Sirius. 'Because he totally is talking to me.'

'Great,' said Lily. 'Look, are you going to spend the whole evening leaning through the window, or are you going to come back inside? It's distracting talking to you like that.'

'If you like,' shrugged Sirius, and he clambered back through the window frame. 'Though I prefer it out here in the fresh air. Plus I think I might have seen some owls shagging on the treetops over there.'

'I think I'll live without seeing owls shagging,' said Lily. 'So if you could take your mind off the joys of the natural world for a while, I've got a questionnaire for you to complete.'

'Your wish is my command,' announced Sirius, sitting down at the desk as Lily presented him with a sheaf of parchments. 'He is adorable though, isn't he?'

'Who?' asked Lily.

It was Sirius' turn to roll his eyes. 'James, of course, you unfeeling hussy. There he was being all caring and nice, and you still won't go out with him. It's completely unreasonable if you ask me.'

'I didn't ask you, did I?' snapped Lily. 'So kindly shut it and get on with your questionnaire.'

Sirius did as he was told, but he kept pausing every few minutes to look up at Lily, grinning wickedly, causing her to let out increasingly exasperated sighs, much to Sirius' amusement.

************

Sirius' general sense of well-being meant it was another week before he had anymore nightmares. It was two a.m. when he woke his dorm-mates by shouting in his sleep. Over the previous six years, they had become accustomed to his bad dreams, which always intensified at the beginning and end of term. Sadly, this didn't mean they had got any better at dealing with them.

'For fuck's sake, can't he just be quiet?' complained James loudly, ramming a pillow over his head.

'Try a Silencing Charm,' mumbled Peter, before rolling over and promptly falling back asleep.

But Sirius showed no signs of silencing, continuing to turn and mutter semi-coherently. 'No...no...don't...let me out...stop...let me go.' He appeared to be struggling against some unseen enemy.

'Moony, can't you do something?' asked James. 'I need to get back to sleep.'

'What do you want me to do about it?' muttered Remus.

'I don't know,' huffed James. 'You're the sensitive one; you think of something. I had to put up with this all bloody summer, you know.'

'Well, what did you do about it then?' snapped Remus.

'Went and got my mum to sort him out and found somewhere else to sleep,' said James.

'I see I didn't exactly have to fight off the stiffest of competition to win the "sensitive one" title,' remarked Remus sardonically, but he was drowned out by Sirius shouting again.

'Moony...no...where are you...where...can't find...no...stop them, Moony!'

'See, it's you he wants,' pouted James, attempting to block his ears with one of his own socks. 'Am I never going to sleep again?'

Remus ignored him, trying not to pretend to himself that it was only the loss of sleep which was bothering him and hoping Sirius' bad dreams would stop soon. In fact, they only got worse, as Sirius' shouts became louder and more frantic, until he eventually sat up in bed, screaming.

'NO, MOONY, NO! WHERE ARE YOU?'

Remus leapt out of bed and crossed to Sirius in one hurried movement. Holding his friend by the shoulders, he tried to wake him. 'Sirius, wake up,' he whispered softly. 'C'mon, wake up, you're dreaming.'

'Moony?' asked Sirius, opening his eyes, which were blood-shot and edged with tears. He was panting for breath and shaking violently.

'Yeah, it's me,' said Remus, pushing Sirius' hair back off his face. 'It's OK. It was just a dream.'

'Oh!' cried Sirius, and he threw his arms around Remus, clinging on to him as if his life depended on it. Remus flinched briefly but then relaxed and brought his hand around to stroke Sirius' back.

''S'OK, Pads, 's'OK,' he muttered soothingly. 'Don't be scared. It's just a dream, just a dream.' He continued to hold Sirius for a long time, rocking him gently and repeating the same words of comfort over and over. Gradually Sirius' shaking and ragged breathing stilled, and he started to relax against Remus' chest. The low snores coming from across the dormitory told Remus that he and Sirius were now the only ones left awake.

'Better now?' he asked Sirius, peeling him back and looking into his face. Sirius was ghostly pale and clammy with sweat, but he seemed calmer at least. 'You should go back to sleep.' Sirius nodded mutely. 'OK,' said Remus with some relief. 'I really need to go back to bed.' He went to stand, but Sirius grabbed him by the arm.

'Don't go, Moony,' he whispered, eyes still wide with child-like fear. 'Don't leave me 'lone.'

'Aw, bloody hell, Pads, when did you get so needy?' Remus muttered. 'You don't really want me to stay with you, do you?'

Sirius looked at him imploringly, his lip trembling. Remus didn't know how to cope with him looking so painfully vulnerable.

'How do I get myself into these situations?' he muttered. 'Fine, I'll stay. You'd better budge up if I'm going to have any chance of getting any sleep.' Sirius wriggled across obligingly, and Remus climbed into the bed beside him.

'You do realise this is inappropriate on so many levels, don't you?' commented Remus, lying back on Sirius' pillow. Sirius didn't answer, preferring to rest his head on Remus' shoulder and wrapping an arm around him. 'Are you all right?'

'Hmmm,' mumbled Sirius, nuzzling Remus' neck sleepily. 'Yeah,' he yawned, 'better like this.'

'Good,' said Remus, 'but do you think you could stop doing that, though? I can just about cope with sleeping with you, but I draw the line at snuggling.'

'Sorry 'bout that.' Sirius looked up at him sheepishly. 'Just glad you're here.'

Remus looked back at Sirius, who was all tousled hair and sleepy, childish innocence. 'You're such a puppy,' he smiled indulgently. 'Now will you please go back to sleep?'

'Yeah, 'kay,' agreed Sirius, settling back down on Remus' shoulder. 'Hmmm, 's nice,' he breathed as Remus stroked his hair absently. Though still shaken and exhausted by his nightmares, he felt safe and warm at last, comforted by his friend's reassuring presence. As he drifted off into a secure, untroubled sleep, he wasn't quite sure if he had imagined Remus planting a soft goodnight kiss on his forehead.

************

'Black, are you listening?'

'What? Oh sorry, Evans,' smiled Sirius dreamily. 'I think I just drifted off for a bit there.'

'Evidently,' frowned Lily. 'But if you could just please try to pay attention for five minutes, I'll tell you again what we're doing tonight.'

'Fire away, Evans,' said Sirius amicably. 'I'm all ears.'

'I thought we could try playing a sort of game,' Lily told him.

'Brilliant, I'm good at games.' Sirius grinned. 'I just hope you don't get too disappointed that I won't let you beat me just because you're a girl.'

Lily sighed. 'It isn't that sort of a game. Not everything in life is a competition, you know.'

'Ah, you're just saying that because you're afraid I'll beat you,' laughed Sirius.

Lily glared at him. 'It's a simple word association game. I say a word, and you say another word back, something that you associate with the word I gave you. So for example if I said "breakfast", you might reply "lunch" or "toast" or something like that. Do you get the idea?'

'I think I can just about grasp it,' said Sirius.

'Fine. Let's get started then,' said Lily with forced patience. 'School?'

'Hogwarts.'

'Magic?'

'Wizard.'

'House?'

'Gryffindor.'

'Teacher?'

'McGonagall.'

'Prefect?'

'Annoying.' Sirius pulled a face at Lily. 'Especially ones who like to play completely pointless and boring games.'

'Just the one word will suffice, Black,' sniffed Lily. 'And just because you don't get the point doesn't mean there isn't one.'

'Fine,' retorted Sirius sarcastically. 'Pray do continue, oh mysterious and wise one.'

'Home?'

'Here.'

'Open?'

'Close.'

On and on it went, Lily bombarding Sirius with an endless string of random words and names until he got bored of even trying to disrupt the game with stupid answers.

'Snape?'

'Hate.'

'Night?'

'Moon.'

'Day?'

'Light.'

Sirius could see that it was getting dark outside and sat gazing out of the window, the light of the waxing moon barely visible behind a cluster of autumn clouds. His answers became automatic as he only half-listened to Lily, barely noticing that she was repeating several words and oblivious to any pattern to them.

'Family?'

'Friends.'

'James?'

'Quidditch.'

'Peter?'

'Small.'

'Pumpkin?'

'Orange.'

'Easter?

'Egg.'

'Lupin?'

'Love.'

Lily stopping talking and started to scribble something down on her parchment. Sirius turned to watch her, distracted.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'I'm adding "repressed homosexuality" to the list of your confirmed psychological problems,' she answered.

'What?' spluttered Sirius, completely wrong-footed. 'I mean...what?'

Lily stopped writing and looked up at Sirius. 'You've as good as admitted that you're in love with Lupin, so you're clearly gay, but you are trying to deny it, so you are obviously repressed,' she said matter of factly.

Sirius goggled at her. 'How...' he began. 'Why...what...why would you think that?'

'Well, it is fairly obvious.' She shrugged.

'Not to me, it isn't,' said Sirius huffily.

Lily stared at him. 'It's obvious from the way you talk about him, the way you always defend him, the fact that your every mood is determined by whether or not he's speaking to you.'

'Don't be absurd,' scoffed Sirius.

'Don't think I haven't noticed how you act when he's around,' Lily added. 'You're always staring at him.'

'So you've been following me around?' asked Sirius coldly. 'Doesn't that suggest that you might be the one with a problem?'

'And when I asked you for a word associated with Lupin, you said "love,"' said Lily, as if this settled the matter.

'Oh, for fuck's sake, Evans, it was just a stupid game!' raged Sirius. 'I wasn't even paying attention to what you were babbling on about!'

'So much the better,' said Lily in a maddeningly superior tone. 'If you'd been paying attention properly, you would have thought about your answers more and would have been able to filter out your real feelings.'

'You are impossible!' Sirius threw his hands up in exasperation. 'What can I do to convince you that once again you are hopelessly wide of the mark?'

'OK then, tell me how you really do feel about him,' suggested Lily. 'Look me in the eye and tell me how I've got it wrong.'

'All right, then,' said Sirius fixing her with a defiant stare. 'Remus is my friend. I like him very much as a friend. He's clever and funny and the only prefect I've ever met who doesn't completely drive me to distraction. I like Remus just like I like James and Peter. They are my friends, and it is all completely normal.'

'Your pupils dilate when you talk about him.'

'What?' Sirius shook his head in confusion. 'I can only say again, Evans, what in bloody hell are you going on about?'

'When you talk about Lupin, your pupils dilate,' said Lily simply. 'It's a sign of sexual attraction.'

Sirius gawped, opening and closing his mouth in horror, momentarily unable to even form the word 'what' again. 'This is insane,' he announced finally, trying to sound disdainful as he struggled to regain his composure. 'You are insane.'

'You're blushing.'

'I am not!' Sirius insisted, flushing more than ever.

'Except,' Lily contradicted him smugly, 'that you totally are.'

'Do you know what? I don't care what you think,' Sirius announced angrily. 'I've had enough of this. I'm going.' He pushed his chair back roughly as he stood and turned to leave.

'No _ wait!' Lily called, jumping out of her own chair and running to stand between Sirius and the door. 'Don't you see that's the whole point? You don't care what I think, and I can't tell anyone a single thing that you tell me. You can tell me the truth, and it doesn't matter because no one will know.'

'There's nothing to tell,' seethed Sirius. 'It's all in your head.'

'No, it isn't,' said Lily quietly. 'I'm sorry that I embarrassed you. I didn't mean to push you, but...I can see how much it's upsetting you. You need to tell someone, or you'll go mad. It might as well be me.'

'Evans, I _' Sirius began weakly, but he couldn't think of anymore to say and slumped, defeated, back into his seat.

'It's OK, you know,' said Lily softly, pulling up a chair and sitting down beside Sirius. 'Nothing bad is going to happen if you tell me. No one else needs to know.'

Sirius didn't answer. He was completely shell-shocked. How, he wondered, how on earth did she find out? He started to panic slightly. Maybe it really is obvious. He glanced at Lily hesitantly, chewing his bottom lip. She wasn't scowling at him now, or staring in that odd, puzzled way she used to when she first started trying to psychoanalyse him. Her expression was gentle, her eyes full of genuine concern. He was only half-surprised to notice that she had taken his hand. Sirius suddenly realised why James liked her so much. She's a lot like Remus.

'You really are impossible, you know, Evans,' he said with a rueful smile.

'Probably,' Lily conceded, returning the slightest of smiles. 'But I'm right, though, aren't I? You are in love with him.'

Sirius waved his free hand in an attempt at a dismissive gesture. 'I wouldn't say "in love" exactly,' he said. 'That sounds a bit girly.'

'But maybe something like in love,' Lily suggested, 'only not so girly?'

'Something like that.' Sirius sighed deeply and looked up at the ceiling. 'I can't believe I'm actually talking about this...to you.'

'I know,' said Lily teasingly. 'Of all the people.'

Sirius forced a laugh and shook his head. 'This is just too weird.'

'I suppose it is,' agreed Lily. 'Do you want to talk to me about it, or do you want to leave it for today?'

'I think,' said Sirius carefully, 'that I've completely humiliated myself enough for one day.'

'OK,' said Lily kindly. 'Although I don't think you should feel humiliated at all. But that's enough for now. We can talk next time if you want.'

Sirius nodded and stood up to leave. 'Thanks, Evans,' he said. 'For being...y'know, nice.'

'That's all right,' she smiled. 'Just don't going telling everyone I'm nice to people in detention.'

'Don't worry, Evans. Your secret's safe with me.'