Consequences

Chapter Seven

Sirius On The Couch

'Padfoot...Padfoot, c'mon, wake up.' Sirius half opened his eyes to see James shaking him. 'You need to wake up, or we'll be late for Charms.'

'Uh, what time is it?' Sirius looked around, disorientated. Remus and Peter were nowhere to be seen.

'It's quarter to nine,' James told him. 'You overslept. Here, I brought you some breakfast.' He handed Sirius a napkin containing several crumpets.

'Thanks,' said Sirius blearily. 'Why didn't you wake me up earlier?'

'Because...well...we could tell you didn't sleep very well,' said James, steadfastly avoiding looking at Sirius. 'You were having...well, nightmares...again,' he finished quietly. Sirius didn't reply, preferring to stare down at his crumpets, mortified. 'Um, are you OK?' asked James. 'It's just you seemed...well...it wasn't nice.'

'Sorry,' mumbled Sirius, still not looking up.

'Forget about it.' James shrugged and then jumped up. 'Look, you'd better get dressed. I'll see you in the Common Room in a few minutes, all right?'

After James had bounded out of the dormitory, Sirius dressed quickly, or rather, changed out of the clothes he had slept in and hurried after him, swallowing a crumpet as he went. He stopped dead when he reached the Common Room and saw James properly for the first time.

'Shit, Prongs, what happened to your face?' he asked. There was an angry-looking purple mark on his friend's cheekbone.

'You, uh, punched me,' said James sheepishly, 'in your sleep. You were shouting and stuff, so I tried to wake you up, and you hit me.' Noting Sirius' downcast expression, he grinned and cuffed him playfully. 'Hey, cheer up. You always claimed you could beat the crap out of me even with your eyes shut, and now you've proved it. Probably my own stupid fault anyway. I'm no good at...stuff like that. That's more Moony's department, but he was, well...'

'Still not speaking to me?' suggested Sirius.

'Actually, I think he might have been a bit freaked out,' said James. 'It was him you were shouting for.'

'Don't talk crap,' snapped Sirius, but he could tell from James' expression that he wasn't joking. Oh, bugger, this could be embarrassing, thought Sirius. Ah, well, better try and brazen it out. 'Jealous, were you?' he smirked. 'I'm sorry if you're disappointed that I wasn't calling for you in my sleep.'

'Not so much disappointed as disturbed,' James retorted. 'I hate to think what you were dreaming about that made you feel that you needed a stroppy prefect in an emergency.'

Sirius narrowed his eyes. 'As if we haven't had to put up with you calling out the name of your favourite prefect in the middle of the night.'

'I don't call Evans' name in my sleep,' said James, a little too forcefully. He looked slightly worried.

'Not in your sleep, no,' teased Sirius. 'That's the worst of it. Whenever the dormitory rings with your cries of "ahhh, Evans!", we're all painfully aware that you are wide awake and masturbating furiously.'

James flushed slightly and scowled at Sirius. 'Well, there's nothing abnormal about that.'

'Maybe not the activity itself,' conceded Sirius. 'It's your lack of volume control that worries me.'

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Sirius started to feel a little better as the week progressed. The initial excitement over his 'suicide attempt' had died down slightly, though he still had to run the gamut of Slytherins asking him if he didn't need someone to accompany him to the toilet in case he fell in and drowned himself. Apart from the occasional scuffle (mainly with James, who seemed inexplicably determined to stop him from retaliating to these taunts by handing out a few richly deserved hexings), the week went fairly smoothly.

He wasn't exactly looking forward to his detention with Lily on Thursday night, but since he had promised Dumbledore he would make an effort, he knew he should at least attempt to co-operate with her. And, of course, he repeatedly assured James that he would indeed, 'put in a good word' for him with Lily, which would be rather more likely to succeed if she thought he was taking the whole thing seriously.

When he arrived in the Muggle Studies office on Thursday evening, he found the room in a considerably cleaner state than it had been on his previous visit. The grime and debris had disappeared, and there were landscape paintings on the wall. Sirius supposed they were meant to be soothing, though he thought the inclusion of a picture of a waterfall was a tad insensitive.

'Hello, Evans,' he said in his best 'talking to someone's parents' voice. 'I see you've been decorating. It looks really nice in here now.'

'Um, thanks.' Lily eyed him cautiously. 'The house elves must have noticed the room is being used again now and come in to clean. I thought the pictures brightened the place up a bit.

'Oh, yes,' said Sirius. 'It looks lovely.' No wonder she's looking at me funny, he thought. I sound like a complete wanker.

'I'm glad you like it,' said Lily, still surveying Sirius closely. 'Well, I suppose we'd better get started. If you come and sit next to me, I'll show you what we're going to be working on.'

'I'd be delighted to,' affirmed Sirius with exaggerated courtesy. He took a seat next to Lily, who bristled slightly. Clearly, she thinks I'm taking the piss.

'OK, do you remember I told you we were going to be looking at personality tests?' asked Lily. Sirius just nodded so as to avoid saying anything stupid. 'The test we are doing tonight involves Rorschach ink blots. The idea is that I show you some cards with shapes on them. You have to look and tell me what pictures you can see in the shapes.'

'Sounds easy enough,' said Sirius. 'I'm good at tests. Are you going to grade me, or is it a simple pass or fail?' Lily frowned at him. 'What?' he asked. 'It was an honest question.'

'You don't pass or fail, and there's no grade,' Lily explained. 'There are no right or wrong answers. The answers you give reflect your personality. Perhaps it would be easier if we just got on with it. Are you ready?'

'As I'll ever be,' Sirius grinned. Lily handed him the first card. Sirius looked at it for a few minutes and then looked at Lily. 'Evans, it's just a splodge of ink.'

'Yes, I know that,' she said with forced calm. 'They all look like ink blots. The idea is you tell me what you can see within the blot.'

'OK,' said Sirius slowly, still looking at Lily with concern. And she thinks I'm mentally unbalanced. He turned back to the card. 'Oh, it's a wolf,' he said, feeling pleased with himself.

'Can you see anything else?'

'Why, should I?' Sirius mused. 'It's definitely a wolf. But why has it got holes in its face?' he asked suspiciously.

'I can't answer questions about it. You just tell me what you see,' said Lily. 'Maybe we should move on, if you're done with that?'

Sirius nodded and took the next card from her. Sirius stared at it for a long time. 'Evans, why are you showing me this? Is it some sort of practical joke?'

'No,' said Lily. 'Just tell me exactly what you can see.' She flushed slightly and added, 'It, er, doesn't matter if it's a bit rude.'

'A bit rude?' said Sirius. 'Evans, it's completely filthy. Why you would want to show me a picture of two old men licking an ejaculating penis is beyond me.'

Lily blushed harder than ever. 'Um, well...if that's everything...here's the next card.' Sirius took it from her with a snort.

'There's a sort of red bone thing in the middle,' he said, 'and the black bits look like people carrying something, but I don't know what it is.'

'Are the people male or female?'

'They're, um...hard to tell...' Sirius stared. 'Actually, it looks like a bit of both.' He looked up at Lily again. 'Evans, what are you playing at? Mutilated animals, group sex, and now lady-boys. Are you some sort of a pervert?'

'I didn't make them,' said Lily defensively. Sirius suddenly noticed that she had a quill in her hand and a parchment on the side opposite him. She hurriedly covered the parchment when she saw him looking. Freak, he thought, I don't even want to know what she's drawing now. Sirius took the next card with a sigh.

'Oh, what a surprise.' He rolled his eyes. 'More smut.'

'What can you see, specifically?' asked Lily wearily.

'There's a penis there.' He pointed at the card. 'And another one on the other side, there.' He paused to look at the card more closely and squinted his eyes slightly. 'It sort of looks like a flying dragon, as if you were looking at it from above,' he added. 'Next.'

Sirius barely glanced at the next card. 'A bat with dicks for antennae,' he announced dully. He was starting to get bored. He turned the next card around a few times. 'If you hold it this way up,' he said, 'this bit sort of looks like an empty set of robes. But the other way up_' he turned the card '_that bit looks like a horribly mutilated penis. Is there a point to all this, Evans?'

'Yes, of course,' she snapped. 'Not more to go now.' She handed Sirius another card.

'Wow, Evans, this one doesn't seem pornographic at all,' said Sirius sarcastically. 'It's two girls arguing on a knife.' He frowned. 'Clearly, I'm not looking properly, there's got to be some dicks around here somewhere...unless that's them on the girls' heads?'

'I told you, there's no right or wrong answer,' insisted Lily. 'Here, try this one.'

'Ooh, colour splats,' smiled Sirius. 'Well, there are two pink wolves climbing up the sides. It's quite pretty, isn't it? There's a butterfly in the middle and_' he pulled the card back '_the whole thing together looks like a Christmas tree. I like this one best. It's more colourful and less...disturbingly obscene than the others.'

'Thought it might please you,' said Lily.

'What does that mean?

'Er, nothing,' she answered hurriedly. 'Next card.'

'Urgh, that's horrible,' scowled Sirius. 'I can't see anything except a mess.' He grimaced and turned it around. 'Although, if you hold it like this and ignore the puking array of colours, it sort of looks like an evil mouse. How much longer do I have to do this for?'

'This is the last one,' Lily told him, handing over the final card.

'Ah, back to depravity again,' said Sirius. 'There's an enormous cock on the top of this...and a whole menagerie of little caterpillars and crabs and stuff.' He turned the card around a few times. 'Overall, it looks like the contents of the potions cabinet or the view from the bottom of the lake. Which I assume is your idea of a little joke.'

'No, of course not,' Lily retorted. 'I told you, I didn't make the pictures.'

'So you keep saying,' drawled Sirius, with an eyebrow raised. 'Though some people might wonder why you'd want to lure me into a deserted office and show me a load of dirty pictures.'

'Don't start, Black,' snapped Evans. 'I get enough of that rubbish from your idiotic sidekick.'

'Oh, that reminds me,' said Sirius. 'James has been behaving in an unusually mature and intelligent fashion of late. I think he has really grown up and is much less arrogant than he used to be. He would make a very good boyfriend, especially for a red-headed Gryffindor prefect.'

Lily snorted. 'I suppose he put you up to that? Honestly, Black, you could at least try to be subtle about it.'

'I don't really do subtlety,' admitted Sirius. 'But I think you should go out with him, anyway. It might take his mind off wanting to kill me when he finds out we've spent the evening holed up together, looking at pornographic drawings.'

'Well, he won't hear anything like that from me,' said Lily primly. 'Everything you tell me is just between us. All therapy sessions are completely confidential.'

'Oh, so I can tell you that I hexed the entire Slytherin Quidditch team clean out of their pants, and there's nothing you can do about it?' asked Sirius with a wink. 'Though I noticed that you didn't deny that those pictures were pornographic.'

'I keep telling you, it's all down to interpretation,' said Lily. 'I'm sure I'll find out a lot about you from analysing your responses.'

'Evans, I'm really not sure how much you can tell about a person by showing them pictures of cocks and letting them say, "that's a cock," but have it your own way. When are you going to tell me my results?'

'You'll...have to wait and see.' Lily glanced down at the parchment and frowned. 'I might want to do some more tests with you. Ones without pictures.' She looked at Sirius curiously.

'What?' he demanded. 'Why are you looking at me like that? Have I grown an extra head, or has your penetrating study of my mind revealed some horrible, sordid information?

'No,' said Lily, a little too quickly. 'It's...um, it's nothing. Anyway, I think we're done for today.'

'Fine by me,' said Sirius, getting up to leave. 'Can I take it you'll let me know when our next date is?'

'Oh, yeah,' she mumbled distractedly, 'I'll tell you.'

'Can't wait,' smiled Sirius. 'Really, though, Evans, stop looking at me like that. If Prongs sees it, there'll be hell to pay.'

'Hmm, whatever.'

Sirius frowned. I wish I knew what was up with her, he mused as he left the office, leaving Lily still gazing after him with that peculiar expression.

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Lily continued to bombard Sirius with a battery of psychological tests over the next week, including, much to his disgust, making him spend most of the weekend doing drawings of his own. ('Where do you want me to put the genitals, Evans?' he had asked. 'Black, it's meant to be a house, why would it have genitals?' 'I don't know, I just thought you liked that sort of thing. If you want, I can do the outline of people shagging in one of the windows.') He cheated on the written tests, out of boredom, evaded all questions about his feelings about his family as a matter of principle, and lied routinely through sheer mischief. Infuriatingly, Lily appeared increasingly unconcerned about his behaviour, merely muttering 'Ahh, 'I see,' and, 'Of course,' after each of his outbursts and scribbling copious notes. It was only when Sirius pressed her for her conclusions on his mental state that she became reticent and occasionally embarrassed, so naturally he did this with increasing regularity.

Sirius had elected to keep his thoughts about the highly sexual nature of Lily's tests (as he saw it) a secret from James, whose rampant jealously was spiralling out of control as it was. He hadn't quite been able to resist telling James that Lily had referred to him as his 'sidekick,' prompting another argument about their rankings within the group. The disagreement was brought to a rather unsatisfactory conclusion by Remus, who advised that he considered Peter to be the leader as he didn't indulge in childish bickering like James and Sirius who, quite frankly, deserved to have their heads knocked together. Peter's brief exhilaration was deflated by the contempt this notion arose in both James and Sirius, who were immediately reunited in pronouncing their joint supremacy amongst their friends, House, school, and in all probability, the whole of wizard kind.

Rather more disconcerting than James' jealousy (which Sirius thought was only to be expected) was Remus' attitude. Remus no longer ignored Sirius, nor was he openly hostile towards him, but he was still avoiding him as much as possible and seldom spoke to him directly beyond an occasional request to pass the salt at dinner. Yet Sirius kept remembering that it was partially because of Remus that he was undergoing counselling with Lily. However useless he thought Lily's methods were, he knew she meant well, and there was also the fact that Remus had chosen to tell Lily about his lycanthropy, so far as Sirius knew, this was the first time Remus had ever volunteered this information to anyone. It just didn't make sense.

Having racked his brain for answers, Sirius eventually decided that he was going to just have to ask Remus himself and determined to speak to him after Arithmancy on Wednesday afternoon. The lesson had gone well, in Sirius' opinion. Remus had sat in his usual seat next to Sirius (though this was partially due to the fact that Sirius had hidden his textbook so he was late for class and the other seats were taken) and had allowed Sirius to help him on the number chart they were working on. Despite realising that it might be slightly pathetic for him to be quite so pleased that his friend actually smiled and thanked him for telling him to replace a number four with a two, he was feeling fairly optimistic about talking to Remus.

'Um, Moony,' he ventured as they left the classroom. 'Can I have a word?'

'OK,' said Remus cautiously. 'What is it about?'

Sirius led him away from the other students, who were heading towards the stairs. 'I just wanted to ask you,' he began once they were out of earshot from the rest of the class, 'about this thing with Evans. Y'know, the detentions. She said it was partly your idea and that you'd...well, you told her that...that you are a werewolf.'

Remus looked at Sirius carefully. 'It wasn't my idea,' he told him, 'but I did agree with Dumbledore to tell her that I'm a werewolf. This counselling thing...it wouldn't have worked unless she knew.'

'Evans is only doing this because she thinks I'm about to top myself at any minute,' said Sirius. 'You know that isn't true.'

'Yes,' said Remus. 'But I still think it's a good idea. I think it will help...help you.'

'You did it to help me?' Sirius was taken aback. 'But why would you want to help me so much? You don't even like me anymore.'

Remus didn't answer; he just glanced around the corridor nervously. He looked as uncomfortable as Sirius felt. Finally Sirius spoke again. 'It's OK, you know. I understand if you can't forgive me.'

'It's not that, it's just...' Remus mumbled. 'Look, can you just try and make the effort with Evans? I do think it'll make a difference.'

'I will,' said Sirius sincerely. 'If you want me to, I really will try. Although I still don't see the point.'

'You will,' Remus told him. 'Eventually.'

'You sound just like Dumbledore.'

'Side effect of being a prefect,' Remus smiled. 'Spend too much time hanging around with teachers, and eventually, you start to sound like one.'

'Nah, you always were an enigmatic so-and-so,' Sirius laughed.

'Well, perhaps,' conceded Remus. 'Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you. James said that he met Evans earlier and that she has put back the time of your detention by half an hour, so can you meet him in the library.' Remus paused and raised an eyebrow. 'Apparently, he wants to know if you've finished that essay for Potions.'

'I see,' said Sirius. 'And can I take it that you suspect this to be a lie of sorts?'

'Yes, I rather fear it might be,' answered Remus. 'My suspicions were first aroused by the mention of an essay which is not due in for nearly forty-eight hours. Either he's developed an unprecedented work ethic or he has an ulterior motive in luring you to the library.'

'Indeed,' said Sirius with mock concern. 'You don't suppose this might have something to do with the fact that the library is some considerable distance from the Muggle Studies department?'

'Do you know, I rather think it might,' agreed Remus.

'And do you further suppose,' continued Sirius, 'that Prongs might be using this rather feeble excuse to allow himself the opportunity of cornering Evans alone in another of his rather desperate attempts to ask her out?'

'I fear you may be correct,' said Remus gravely.

'Oh, dear,' said Sirius. 'Can I also take it that you disapprove of this plan and were hoping that I might be able to take evasive action to prevent our mutual friend from making an arse out of himself?'

'I think that would be for the best.'

'I agree.' Sirius grinned. 'Right, I'll go and head him off at the pass. You'd better come up with a convincing excuse about why you failed to divert me in case in he flies into one of his jealous rages and tries to hex you.'

'Aren't you rather more concerned that he might try and hex you for standing in the path of true love?' teased Remus.

'Nah,' scoffed Sirius. 'With all that time I get to spend with Evans? He knows he's got a vested interest in keeping me on side, so I don't tell her too many horrific tales about him.'

'You're incorrigible,' laughed Remus. 'I'll see you later.'

'See you,' called Sirius, setting off at a run. Any worries he might have had about James' inevitable temper tantrum upon having his attempts at seduction foiled were completely overshadowed by his joy at actually having had a normal conversation with Remus. As Sirius sped up the stairs to the Muggle Studies department, it was all he could do not to giggle like some ridiculous girl as he remembered, He actually smiled at me.

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