Consequences

Chapter Five

Sirius' Second Chance

'Open up now, Black,' Madam Pomfrey instructed. 'Come on now, all the way.'

Sirius grimaced as the school matron poured another foul-tasting potion down his throat.

'Gah! Yuck!' Sirius spluttered. 'What is that stuff?'

'Just a little something to give you your strength back,' said Madam Pomfrey briskly as she replaced the cap on the bottle. Sirius couldn't help but notice that the potion, whatever it was, appeared to be smoking.

'It tastes disgusting,' he complained. And it's probably poisonous, he thought.

'Well, maybe you'll think about that next time before you go flinging yourself into the lake,' countered Madam Pomfrey.

'I didn't fling myself, I--' Sirius began, but he was interrupted by the sound of the doors to the hospital wing being flung open and a group of bodies bursting through.

'Padfoot!' shouted James, rushing towards Sirius. 'Are you all right? What happened? What were you doing in the lake? Evans just told us and--you are OK, aren't you? Bloody hell, Padfoot, you look like shit.'

'Thanks, Prongs.' Sirius smiled weakly. 'I feel so much better for that. I'm fine, though, don't worry.'

'Are you sure?' asked James. 'It's just that Evans said--' he glanced around anxiously at Lily, who was hanging back slightly, looking distinctly uncomfortable as Peter tried to hide behind her. 'She said, well, that you'd tried to drown yourself.'

'You said WHAT?' demanded Sirius, making Lily flinch and draw back even further.

'Keep your voice down,' interrupted Madam Pomfrey, 'or I'll have to ask everyone to leave. Miss Evans, come with me. I still need to examine you.'

'Oh, really, there's no need, Madam Pomfrey. I'm quite all right...' Lily faltered under the matron's disbelieving stare. 'Well OK, but, um, can it wait a little while? I need to have a word with Black.'

'Five minutes, Miss Evans, no more,' agreed Madam Pomfrey, picking up her tray of potions. 'I'll be in my office. Don't even think about leaving before I've given you a clean bill of health.' Lily nodded meekly. 'I'll leave you all to it, then,' said Madam Pomfrey.

'Evans, why did you tell them that I'd tried to kill myself?' hissed Sirius as soon as the matron was out of earshot.

'I...well...' Lily fidgeted slightly. 'Look, there's no need to be embarrassed. Potter may be an insensitive, egotistical oaf, but he's your friend, and I'm sure he'll want to help you.'

'I don't need any help!' Sirius insisted. 'There's nothing wrong with me! And I don't know why you had to go running for them.' He indicated James and Peter.

'Why not?' asked James. 'What's wrong with us being here? We're your friends.'

'Well perhaps if you'd been better friends, you'd have noticed something was wrong with Black before it got to this stage,' Lily said.

'Back off, Evans,' growled James defensively, apparently so annoyed that he'd forgotten his constant attempts to charm her. 'I can look after my friends just fine.'

'I suppose that's why I had to pull Black out of the lake, then,' Lily retorted angrily.

'I'm still here, you know,' said Sirius. 'So if you don't mind, I'd prefer it if you didn't start fighting over me as I really don't want to be part of the latest development in your bizarre, sick courtship ritual.'

'I can assure you that I'm not taking part in any courtship ritual, bizarre or otherwise, with Potter,' Lily said huffily.

'Um, I'm sure Evans means well,' Peter suggested timidly. 'And Prongs is just a bit worked up because he's worried about you, even though there's nothing wrong with you,' he finished quickly, cringing slightly. The effort of trying to ingratiate himself with three people at once appeared to be almost painful for him. Sirius glared at him openly.

'Yes, well, perhaps I'd better be going,' said Lily, eyeing the three boys with some unease. 'Madam Pomfrey will be wondering where I've got to.' She paused for a moment and then looked back at Sirius. 'If you need any help, I don't mind. Just don't be afraid to ask.'

'I'll look after him,' James insisted.

'Thank you, Evans,' said Sirius, ignoring James. 'I appreciate you saving me from drowning. But I can assure you I don't need any more help. Really.' Lily looked dubious but left anyway.

'So,' said James, glancing over at Lily's retreating figure and balancing on the edge of Sirius' bed. 'What did happen? You didn't...?'

'Did I, bollocks,' said Sirius. 'Do I really seem the suicidal type? Nah, I just slipped on some mud and fell in.'

'Are you sure?' asked James earnestly. 'You were pretty upset earlier.'

'Well, maybe. I was just a bit pissed off. I went off to the lake because I didn't feel like talking to anyone, sat there for a bit, and decided to come back in for dinner. I don't know. I hadn't eaten properly since yesterday lunchtime, and I must have been feeling a bit light-headed. That's probably why I fell in.'

James looked at him thoughtfully but seemed satisfied with this answer. Brightening slightly, he said, 'Good thing Evans was there to haul your sorry carcass back out of the water. Some people get all the luck.'

'No need to be jealous, Prongs.' Sirius smiled. 'I can assure you it was all hideously embarrassing and not in the least romantic. And no, she didn't give me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation either.'

'Just as well,' said James. 'What a waste it would be for Evans to go to all the trouble of saving your life, only for me to have to curse you into oblivion for messing with the woman of my dreams.'

'Dreams being the operative word,' said Sirius, 'but not to worry, I've no intention of shattering your little fantasy world. The whole thing was very proper and above board. She did say "fuck," though.'

'Evans said "fuck"?' asked James with a faraway look in his eyes. 'Wow, Evans talking dirty. I wish I'd been there to hear it.'

'Tell you what, Prongs, next time I need pulling back from the brink of death, I'll be sure to make sure you have a ring-side seat so you can feel free to perve over any swearing my mortal peril might inspire.'

'Well, I should think so,' grinned James. 'Very least you can do after all the trouble you've caused.'

'Hmm, talking of causing trouble, did Evans get hold of Moony as well?' asked Sirius.

'Don't think so. We haven't seen him all day, have we, Wormtail?' answered James. Peter shook his head.

'She can't have seen him, either,' said Peter. 'She told us that she'd run straight up to the Common Room after she dropped you off. Well, she probably stopped to dry her clothes.'

'I didn't think of that,' said James dreamily. 'Hmmm, Evans, all wet and swearing...I don't know why I was feeling sorry for you, Padfoot. It sounds like you had the best afternoon.'

'Ugh, can you just stop it now?' Sirius scowled. 'I can assure you I didn't find the experience remotely erotic. Apart from anything else, I was too busy coughing up half the lake to check out Evans' tits.'

'Honestly, Padfoot, you're just weird.' James shook his head disbelievingly. 'I don't suppose you even noticed whether all the water made her top go see-through.'

'Yuck! No, I did not,' said Sirius. 'And if you could stop perving over Evans for five minutes, you might remember that I actually wanted to ask you about Moony.'

'See what I mean, Wormtail?' James turned to Peter. 'What normal person would prefer to talk about a sulky werewolf when they could be considering the assets of the finest woman in Gryffindor? It's downright bizarre.'

'Perhaps he's concussed,' suggested Peter helpfully.

'Perhaps,' conceded James, 'or perhaps it's just standard NFP behaviour.'

'One day you're going to tell me what that means,' pouted Sirius, 'but in the meantime, I want you to shove off and find Moony before Evans gets hold of him.'

'Why?' asked James. 'Trying to get rid of us already?'

'Well, your absence would be a distinct advantage, but no, that isn't the main reason,' said Sirius. 'More importantly, I want to make sure you tell him what really happened before Evans starts giving him some crap about my tragic suicide bid.'

'I suppose Moony would be quite worried about him,' mused Peter. 'He does like to worry.'

'Never mind that,' said Sirius tersely. 'I'm more concerned that he'll think I did it because of him. I don't want Moony thinking that I'm completely determined to have someone's death on his conscience.'

'OK, OK, we'll tell him,' said James, getting up to leave. 'Any other message?'

'No,' said Sirius. 'Though you might not want to call him a sulky werewolf again.'

James groaned dramatically. 'All right, Padfoot, whatever you say. We'll tell Moony you nearly drowned out of pure stupidity, that you are not remotely suicidal, but you are still defending his honour throughout your delirium and that you're pining for him dreadfully.'

'Piss off,' spat Sirius.

'As you wish,' smiled James, ruffling Sirius' hair mock-affectionately before he left.

*************

Once his friends had left, Sirius slept fitfully, having refused Madam Pomfrey's offer of a Sleeping Potion (As if she hasn't had enough opportunities to poison me, he thought, or at least assault my taste buds). He awoke late in the evening to find the curtains drawn around his bed and Remus standing there, watching him in silence.

'Hey,' said Sirius blearily as he pulled himself up to a sitting position.

'Hey,' said Remus.

Remus continued to watch him quietly for a few moments, his expression an odd mix of concern and curiosity. Sirius blinked up at him, trying not to stare. He's so beautiful, he thought wistfully.

'I...I just wanted to make sure you were all right,' Remus said hesitantly, his words shaking Sirius out of his reverie.

'Oh, yeah...yeah, I'm fine,' said Sirius. 'Better now that you're here.' Remus looked away. 'I mean, I'm glad you came. I thought maybe you...well, it doesn't matter...Thanks.'

''S'OK,' mumbled Remus, still not looking at Sirius.

'I wouldn't have blamed you,' Sirius told him. 'You've got every right to hate me.'

Remus continued to avoid his gaze and apparently became very interested in a loose thread on Sirius' blanket.

'Look, about what I said,' Remus began, pulling on the loose thread absently. 'I didn't really mean it...all that stuff about your family...I shouldn't have said that.'

Sirius shrugged. 'It's all right. I deserved it.'

Remus continued to stare avidly at the blanket, wrapping the loose thread around his finger. 'I was just--'

'Angry, I know,' Sirius finished for him. 'And you should be. I realise that I totally fucked up. I am really sorry, though, Moony. You do believe me, don't you?'

Remus finally stopped fiddling with Sirius' blanket and half-turned back to him before answering. 'Yeah,' he said, his voice a horribly constricted whisper. 'I know.'

'It isn't enough, though, is it?' said Sirius. 'I mean, me being sorry doesn't make it OK.'

Remus shook his head miserably. Sirius wished he could think of something to say to him, some way he could undo the damage he had done. But he couldn't think of anything, so he kept quiet, watching his friend who seemed equally lost for words.

'I'd better go,' said Remus at last. 'It's late--you need to sleep.'

Sirius swallowed and bit his lip. Throat too tight to speak, he nodded mutely.

Remus moved awkwardly towards the curtain which surrounded Sirius' bed. He made to pull it back and then hesitated and turned back to face Sirius. 'You were wrong about one thing, though,' he told him.

'What?'

'I could never hate you.' Remus smiled sadly. Sirius forced a smile in return. He couldn't speak as Remus disappeared through the curtain and hurried out of the hospital wing.

Alone again, Sirius sank miserably back into his pillows. He supposed he should have been relieved that Remus had come to see him and that he didn't hate him, but the knowledge provided little comfort. Remus had taken back what he'd said about his family but not the part about Sirius' betrayal. Clearly, he did believe that Sirius had used him. He's still angry with me, thought Sirius dully. Even if he doesn't hate me, it'll never be the same again. And it's all my own fault. Half-suffocated by his own feelings of guilt and self-pity, Sirius lay on his back and blinked at the ceiling, clenching his fists and trying desperately hard not to cry.

*************

Madam Pomfrey did indeed diagnose Sirius with concussion, declaring that he must have bumped his head on a rock when he fell in the lake. Peter was delighted to have got this right, despite Sirius' obvious disgust at his method of diagnosis. As he was also, apparently, in shock ('how can a person be in shock?' Peter had asked, to snorts of derision from his friends) and running a temperature, he was confined to the hospital wing for most of the week. Since James informed him, with obvious relish, that his 'suicide attempt' was the talk of the school, this suited Sirius just fine. James and Peter brought notes from most of his classes and stopped to chat for as long as Madam Pomfrey would allow. Remus was the only one of his friends in his NEWT Arithmancy class and dropped off his notes at some unearthly hour in the morning--Sirius knew Remus didn't want to speak to him, but as he didn't know what to say to Remus, either, this suited him, too.

Finally, on Friday afternoon, James dragged Sirius out of the hospital wing, declaring that Sirius had been malingering for long enough, and if he left him to face double Potions alone, he would personally throw Sirius back in the lake and hold his head under water for good measure.

Though NEWT classes were taught to mixed house groups, Potions was a Slytherin-heavy class, meaning Sirius had to endure an afternoon of barely disguised snickering from most of his classmates. 'Just keep quiet and don't do anything,' James admonished in a whisper, as Snape asked Professor DuPont if they would be studying Buoyancy Potions this term. Exercising a supreme force of will, Sirius limited himself to casting a withering glance in Snape's direction.

'Well, that wasn't so bad,' observed James as they left the class.

Sirius scowled at him. 'Oh, yeah, it was a riot,' he said. 'I particularly enjoyed the five hundredth joke about swimming lessons. What are water wings, anyway?'

'Er, I think they're something Muggle children wear when they're learning to swim,' said James, causing Sirius to groan and shake his head in disgust. 'Still, it wasn't all bad. I noticed several girls getting quite excited about giving you the kiss of life.'

'Well, indeed,' replied Sirius. 'I found the giggling about my being catch of the day a real turn-on.'

'Honestly, Padfoot, I don't know what you're sulking about,' James informed him breezily. 'Some people might be glad of the attention. All those lovely ladies queuing up to rescue you--you should be grateful.'

Sirius snorted. 'Then some people deserve to be thrown in the lake. I'll be more than happy to oblige the next one who makes a crack about it.'

'Oh, all right, keep your hair on,' said James. 'I won't mention it again...well, not very often, anyway. C'mon, let's get some dinner. You'll feel much better about it on a full stomach.'

'Can't,' Sirius informed him. 'I've got to go and see Dumbledore. Find out what my punishment is. As you might guess, I can hardly contain my excitement.'

'Ah yes, the dreaded date with fate,' James said. 'Do you want me to come up and wait for you?'

'Thanks, Prongs, but I think I can make it without you to hold my hand. I'll see you in the Hall when I'm done'

James shrugged. 'Fine. I'll save you some pudding, shall I?'

'Cheers,' said Sirius. 'Wish me luck?'

'You'll be fine,' James assured him. 'If it was going to be anything really bad, he'd have told you before now. Just grovel a bit and be your usual charming self, and you'll probably get off with nothing worse than a few detentions.'

Sirius smiled, but as he made his way to the Headmaster's Office, he really wasn't sure that he shared his friend's confidence.

*************

'Good afternoon, Mr Black,' Dumbledore greeted Sirius as he crept into the Headmaster's office. 'Do take a seat.'

'Thanks,' mumbled Sirius, sitting down on a chair in front of the desk, eyeing the Headmaster warily for signs of his mood. Dumbledore's expression was impenetrable, but at least he didn't look angry.

'I understand you've had quite an eventful week,' remarked Dumbledore pleasantly. 'I trust you are fully recovered from the incident on Sunday afternoon?'

'Oh, yes, thank you, Headmaster' said Sirius. 'It was nothing. I'm fine now.' Sirius fidgeted slightly. Will he just get on with it? he wondered.

'Perhaps,' said Dumbledore. 'Professor McGonagall informs me that she had a rather extraordinary interview with you earlier that morning. Apparently, you provided her with an impressive list of reasons why you might be expelled.'

'Well, yes.' Sirius shifted uncomfortably. 'It's just, that...well, she said I wouldn't be expelled because of...because of Remus...that everyone would find out about him. I didn't want...I didn't want it to seem like I'd got away with it, just because of him...Not after what I did...it wouldn't...it wouldn't be right, would it?'

Dumbledore looked at Sirius thoughtfully. 'Yes, I understand,' he said. 'Can I take it then that it is not your wish to leave Hogwarts?'

'No, of course not!' Sirius was amazed. 'Why would I want to leave? It's great here, I'm happy, I've got my friends, and...' Sirius' voice trailed away. Had friends, he thought.

Dumbledore looked almost sympathetic. 'Of course, expulsion is not the only way a person can be separated from their friends,' he remarked.

Sirius looked at him blankly. What does he mean by...Oh, no...? Panicking slightly, he asked, 'So if I'm not going to be expelled from Hogwarts, does that mean you are going to throw me out of Gryffindor?'

'Well, that would certainly be an interesting proposition. Why would you think that?'

'Well, I suppose...I haven't been exactly brave or loyal, have I?' Sirius admitted. 'But...I really don't think I could cope if you put me in Slytherin.'

'No, perhaps that wouldn't be the best choice,' Dumbledore remarked, his eyes twinkling ever so slightly. 'Although it isn't really my decision. Perhaps--yes, I think so.'

Sirius watched in horror as the Headmaster rose from his desk and picked up the Sorting Hat from a shelf on the side of the room. I can't believe he's going to do this...

'As you will no doubt recall, all decisions about the appropriate house for individual students are made by the Sorting Hat,' Dumbledore informed him. 'So, if you are ready?'

Sirius gulped and nodded. The Headmaster walked around the desk and stood beside Sirius, who turned to face him, struggling not to reveal the sense of impending gloom he felt rising inside him. Dumbledore placed the hat on his head, and Sirius caught a glimpse of his own reflection in the glass-fronted cabinet in front of him.

Ugh, I look a complete twat, he thought, screwing up his eyes in disgust. No, don't think that...concentrate...try and think something intelligent. He could live with Ravenclaw, at least.

'Ah, you again.' The Hat had sprung to life. Sirius peeked at his reflection. He could have sworn that if the Hat had eyes, it would have rolled them. 'Still Gryffindor,' announced the Hat, and promptly resealed its ragged mouth and slumped down, as though asleep.

'There now,' announced Dumbledore as he retrieved the hat and sat back down behind his desk. 'It seems you won't be going anywhere.'

Much relieved, Sirius looked at the Headmaster questioningly. He couldn't shake the feeling that Dumbledore found the whole thing highly entertaining.

'Just out of interest, sir,' asked Sirius, 'has a student ever been forced to change Houses?'

'Only a small number,' said Dumbledore, smiling. 'A very small, very round number.'

You bastard, thought Sirius darkly. That was not funny. It was clear from the Headmaster's expression that he believed otherwise, but Sirius knew he was in no position to object. 'So,' he said, 'what is going to happen to me?'

'You will serve a detention of sorts. You will be barred from all Hogsmeade visits. In fact, you will not leave the school grounds at all without prior written consent from either myself or Professor McGonagall. You are disqualified from Quidditch and all other extracurricular activities, and you will be placed under curfew, meaning that you must return to Gryffindor Tower by 9 p.m. every evening unless you are in detention.'

Sirius nodded. It was no worse than he had expected--he could live with it. 'How long for?' he asked.

'Until I am satisfied that you fully comprehend the consequences of your actions,' Dumbledore told him.

'I do understand, though,' said Sirius earnestly. 'I nearly got two people killed, including my best friend, and I betrayed another friend. I know what I've done--and how much it's cost me.'

'I don't think you do,' replied Dumbledore gravely. 'And when you do understand it, the realisation will be far worse than any punishment I could give you.' Sirius just looked at him blankly. 'I do not expect you to work it out by yourself. That is why I have arranged a rather special detention for you. I think it will help.'

'How will writing lines help me?' asked Sirius.

'You will not be writing lines. However, you will find out more about that in due course,' said Dumbledore, watching Sirius closely. It was obvious that Sirius didn't have the least idea what he was talking about. 'You may be under the impression, Mr Black, that I allowed the Hat the chance to re-sort you purely for my own amusement.'

Sirius half-smiled back at the Headmaster. 'Well, I suppose I did rather walk into that one,' he conceded.

'Perhaps you did,' said Dumbledore, 'but the exercise did serve a more serious purpose.'

'I don't understand.'

'It served as a reminder,' Dumbledore told him, 'of the fact that you do belong here and of your capabilities. I might also tell you that it was neither my intention nor my desire to see you leave Hogwarts before you had completed your studies. As you correctly guessed when you made your extraordinary confession to Professor McGonagall, we could have found a way of removing you from school, and your behaviour was certainly enough to warrant expulsion. But it is my wish that you should have a second chance.'

'Do you really think I deserve it?' asked Sirius, feeling horribly guilty.

'The curious thing about second chances,' Dumbledore observed, 'is that no one ever deserves them at the time they are needed. It is only after the fact that a person can prove they were worthy of a second chance. It is up to you now to prove that I have made the right decision.' Sirius just nodded. 'That will be all for today,' Dumbledore concluded. 'You will attend your first detention on Monday evening. Professor McGonagall will tell you where to go. In the meantime, you may leave.'

'Thank you, sir,' Sirius said, standing up to go. 'Er, Headmaster?'

'Yes, Mr Black?'

'I will try,' Sirius told him, shuffling awkwardly as he glanced back at the Headmaster. 'I am sorry for...for everything, and I'll...well, I'll do my best.'

Dumbledore gave a slight smile. 'That is a good start.'