Consequences

Chapter Four

Can't Stand Me Now

Sirius was left crouching in the corridor. The shock of Remus' reaction had left him winded. Shaking in disbelief, he played the last few minutes over and over in his mind_the look of disgust on Remus' face; the cold, bitter tone of his voice. Never in five years of friendship had he known Remus to look or talk like that. He was angrier than Sirius could ever have imagined, and Sirius wondered miserably if he would always feel like that. It seemed like things really couldn't get any worse.

'Well, well, well, this is a turn up for the books, isn't it?'

Sirius flinched. It was the very last person he wanted to see right now.

'Why so sad, Black?' asked Snape quietly. 'Did your nasty little prank not work out? As you can see for yourself, I am still very much alive. I hope you're not too disappointed.'

Sirius didn't say anything. He hated Snape now more than ever, hated his smug, self-satisfied tone. He couldn't see his face, but he could feel Snape sneering at him in his repulsively triumphant way.

'Rather lost for words today, aren't you, Black? Awww, not feeling sad, are you? Poor little Black, all alone, crying in the corridor. I know your own family can't stand you; don't tell me your idiotic friends have deserted you, too.'

'Fuck off.'

'Ah, he speaks! And such eloquence, too.' Snape sneered. 'I just saw your little werewolf, you know. He didn't look too happy, either. What's the matter with the two of you - lovers' tiff?'

Sirius jumped to his feet and leapt at Snape, but Snape was too quick for him. 'Petrificus Totalus!' he yelled.

Sirius froze in mid-air as his body went rigid before the force of the spell knocked him back against the wall. He rebounded heavily and Snape caught him by the arms and slammed him hard back into the wall. 'I'm going to make you pay for this!' he yelled as he continued to ram Sirius' petrified form against the wall. 'I'm going to make you pay, you vile, arrogant, filthy little...' Snape paused and glanced around quickly. There were footsteps in the distance. Snape threw Sirius back down onto the ground. 'You'll keep,' he hissed. Pausing only to spit on the frozen figure on the floor, he turned and stalked off out of the corridor.

************

'What the...Ennervate!'

Sirius looked up at the blurred figure of Professor McGonagall. His head was aching horribly and he felt nauseous. Urgh, he thought to himself. I'm really in no fit state for another bollocking.

'Would you like to tell me the meaning of this, Black?' asked McGonagall harshly. 'I hope you haven't been duelling in the corridors again.'

'What - no...' muttered Sirius. 'I didn't do anything!'

'That would certainly be a first,' remarked the professor.

'Look, I didn't do anything!' Sirius insisted, 'I was just sitting here, and Sniv - I mean, Snape attacked me!'

'Mr Snape petrified you?' Professor McGonagall paused, apparently considering Sirius' explanation carefully. 'Well, I suppose that seems possible...but what were you doing lurking around a deserted corridor, anyway?'

For a deserted corridor this place has an annoyingly high volume of traffic, thought Sirius darkly. 'I wasn't lurking,' he answered. 'I was...waiting for someone.'

Professor McGonagall arched her eyebrows questioningly but seemed to decide that this answer was satisfactory. When she spoke, her tone was softer. 'Very well, Black. You'd better come with me to the hospital wing then. Luckily for you it isn't too far,' she added, with the merest hint of a smile.

'I don't need the hospital wing. There's nothing wrong with me!' Sirius exclaimed, sitting up abruptly to prove his point. The sudden movement made his vision swim, making him feel dizzy and weak. It was only sheer bloody-mindedness that kept him from collapsing in a heap on the floor.

'Don't be ridiculous,' scoffed Professor McGonagall. 'You've been hexed, and you are bleeding from the head. I can hardly allow one of my students to go wandering off like that.'

'I'm not going to the hospital wing,' Sirius said adamantly, crossing his arms, his face set in a look of hard determination.

McGonagall let out a sigh of exasperation. 'Have it your own way. However, I will take you to my office. I can give you some Murtlap essence for the cuts on your head. Besides, I think you and I could do with a little chat.'

Sirius nodded mutely and allowed his teacher to help him to his feet. He wasn't exactly thrilled at the prospect of having 'a little chat' with his Head of House but knew it was useless to try arguing with her. Terrific, he thought to himself. A nice lecture is just what I need after Moony and Snivellus have had a go at me. She might as well just invite my mother over as well.

Professor McGonagall led - or rather, dragged - Sirius out of the corridor, up several flights of stairs, and down another corridor into her office. It was smaller than the Headmaster's office and crammed full of books and piles of paper. The walls were lined from floor to ceiling with overflowing bookcases, broken only by two large gothic windows with shabby tartan cushions on the window seats. One of the cushions was thick with what looked suspiciously like cat hairs.

'Sit down here, Black,' ordered Professor McGonagall, indicating a stiff-backed wooden chair. 'I keep some Murtlap essence in my desk for emergencies. This won't take a moment.' After some shuffling through drawers and searching for a clean handkerchief, she started dabbing vigorously at the back of Sirius' head while he wriggled about like a two-year-old having his first haircut.

'Oww...nyeugh...gerroff...OUCH! That hurt!' Sirius complained, trying to struggle free.

'Will you hold still,' McGonagall admonished. 'If you'd wanted the tender touch of Madam Pomfrey, you ought to have gone to the hospital wing. There, that should do. At least you shouldn't get an infection now.'

'Thanks,' mumbled Sirius ungraciously.

'Now,' said Professor McGonagall, sitting herself down behind the desk and fixing Sirius with a steely glare, 'I take it you have had time to think about what the Headmaster said to you yesterday. Have you any more to say on the matter?'

Sirius blinked at her. What does she want, blood? he wondered. No, can't be, she's already had that...well, fine...if that's how it's going to be...sod it...

'Yes, actually,' he answered petulantly. 'And I'm just wondering why he's making me wait a week. Why doesn't he just get it over and done with?'

'Get what over and done with?' McGonagall enquired.

'Expelling me. I mean, that is what's going to happen, isn't it? Why can't he just tell me now and get it over and done with?'

'You are not going to be expelled. At least, not this time.'

'Why not?' Sirius hadn't meant it to come out like a demand and wasn't even sure why it did.

'Expulsion is not a matter to be taken lightly; there is a strict procedure to be followed. The governors have to be informed of the expulsion and the reasons for it. A report must also be sent to the Ministry of Magic. As you are aware, Mr Lupin's condition, though known to the Ministry, of course, is not a matter of public record. A number of governors have children at Hogwarts. If you were expelled, there is a considerable risk that news of Mr Lupin's condition would become known to the student body, rendering his position in the school very difficult indeed.'

'Oh,' said Sirius, 'I hadn't thought of that.'

'Evidently there is a great deal you haven't thought of.'

Sirius didn't really have an answer to that, so he sat in silence, steadfastly avoiding Professor McGonagall's eye. Eventually, an idea hit him, and he borrowed a quill and parchment from his bemused teacher. Professor McGonagall watched with intrigue and some suspicion as Sirius scribbled away frantically for several minutes. Finally he finished and handed her the parchment with a flourish. Professor McGonagall took the parchment from him and glanced over it.

'Black, what is this?' she asked, looking uncharacteristically puzzled.

'A brief synopsis of my miscellaneous rule-breaking, wrongdoing, and general misbehaviour over the past two years,' replied Sirius proudly.

Professor McGonagall raised an eyebrow. 'I can see that,' she said, 'but why are you giving it to me?'

'Well, if you did want to expel me, you could tell the governors it was because of something from that list,' Sirius explained. 'So you wouldn't have to tell them about Remus.'

Professor McGonagall looked more confused than ever. 'Surely you don't want to be expelled?' she asked.

'No, of course not,' Sirius replied. 'But I don't want to hide behind my friends, either.'

Professor McGonagall looked rather taken aback and glanced back down at the parchment Sirius had given her. 'Various provoked and unprovoked attacks on members of Slytherin house, with particular reference to Quidditch players and those suspected of unreasonable behaviour including but not limited to; picking on first years, instigating attacks on any member of Gryffindor house, making disparaging remarks about Gryffindor, harbouring an unhealthy interest in the Dark Arts, or generally looking a bit dodgy,' she read aloud. 'Is this some sort of a joke?'

'Certainly not,' said Sirius brightly. 'It is a full and frank confession. It's very good for the soul to confess one's sins, or so I've been told.'

Professor McGonagall furrowed her brow and continued to read. 'Placing owl treats in the Sorting Hat in a bid to disrupt the Sorting, attempting to Confound said Hat in further attempt to disrupt the Sorting... circulating malicious rumours about the sexual inadequacies of the school caretaker, Mr Argus Filch... flooding the bathrooms and blaming it on Moaning Myrtle (repeatedly)... theft of various items of school property including food from the kitchens and potions supplies, use of said stolen supplies in unauthorised brewing of potions...improper use of charms on Divination supplies with intent to mock, frighten or harass the teacher.' Professor McGonagall looked up. 'What did you do to them?'

'Charmed the teacups so that the leaves spelt out the words "Everyone knows you are a fraud" every single lesson for six months,' Sirius told her. Professor McGonagall pursed her lips together tightly. She appeared to be trying very hard not to smile.

'Fascinating though this document may be, Black,' said Professor McGonagall once she had fully regained her composure. 'There are other reasons why the Headmaster and I will endeavour to keep you at Hogwarts.'

'Really?' asked Sirius.

Professor McGonagall looked straight at him. 'Ministry and school regulations also state that when a student is excluded from Hogwarts, they must be returned directly to the care of their parents.'

Sirius' jaw dropped. He hadn't been prepared for that. Professor McGonagall lowered her voice slightly as she continued. 'I am aware of your family situation and that you spent the summer holidays with your friend, Mr Potter - his parents wrote to us explaining the circumstances of your stay with them. I have also taken the liberty of intercepting all correspondence from your mother this term, as you can see.' She indicated an occasional table by the side of her desk. It was covered in scorch marks.

'And I thought she didn't care enough to write.' Sirius forced a small smile. Professor McGonagall continued to watch him intently.

'Neither the Headmaster nor I have any intention of forcing you to return to your parents.'

'I don't understand. I mean, why are you so sure that I shouldn't have to go back to my parents?'

Professor McGonagall sniffed. 'We've met them,' she answered stiffly. Sirius felt a sudden surge of affection for his Head of House. 'We would assume that you would attempt to run away from home again,' she continued, 'but we have no intention of realising any child in the care of this school into an unsafe environment.

'I'm not a child!' exclaimed Sirius.

'Well, you certainly manage an uncanny impression of one,' McGonagall replied. 'In any case, at sixteen, you are not yet legally of age.'

Sirius considered the matter for a few moments before realising that appearing to be sulking probably wasn't the best response to his teacher's accusation of childishness. 'Well, I am glad that I won't have to leave,' he said, making a great effort at magnanimity, 'but what is going to happen to me?'

'The Headmaster and I were rather hoping you might work that out for yourself,' Professor McGonagall told him.

'I don't understand.'

'You will,' she replied grimly. 'In the meantime, you may go. The Headmaster will expect you in his office after classes on Friday.'

'OK. Thank you, Professor,' said Sirius, standing up. He glanced at the parchment uncertainly.

'Take it,' instructed Professor McGonagall. 'I don't think I really want to know.'

'Thanks,' said Sirius, greatly relieved.

'You are welcome,' Professor McGonagall told him. 'Although I would point out that I knew about the catnip on your Transfiguration essays. I'm afraid you'll have to come up with another way to win favour with "the finest teacher Hogwarts has seen for many years," as you so eloquently put it.'

Sirius grinned. 'I'm sure I'll think of something,' he told her. 'Er, Professor...'

'Yes, Black?'

'It's just, well...I missed lunch, you know...and well...I was wondering...'

Professor McGonagall sighed. 'Help yourself,' she told him wearily as she passed a tin across the desk.

'Thanks, Professor,' said Sirius brightly as he extracted several pieces of shortbread from the tin. 'You really are the best teacher.'

'Yes, yes, I know.' Professor McGonagall rolled her eyes. 'One thing still intrigues me though; why did you only go back two years?'

'Ran out of parchment,' Sirius answered. 'Mind you, strictly speaking, it was more like eighteen months on account of - '

Professor McGonagall raised her hand to stop him. 'On second thoughts, I really don't want to know. Go on, get out, before I change my mind.'

************

Sirius left Professor McGonagall's office with every intention of sneaking out of the castle unnoticed. He wasn't sure whether or not Remus would have told James and Peter about their meeting outside the hospital wing yet, but he did know that James would take their failure to appear at lunch as a sure sign that he had, indeed, 'screwed up' apologising to Remus. Considering he had the Map, Sirius thought he had a reasonably good chance of avoiding his friends for a few hours, at least. In fact, it was more like a few minutes, as they intercepted him before he had even made it to the staircase.

'What have you been doing with Professor McGonagall?' James demanded as Sirius turned the corner and walked straight into his path.

Sirius considered just walking on and ignoring them, but James and Peter were blocking the corridor, and he would look completely ridiculous if he turned and ran away. After a moment's thought, he settled on attack as the best form of defence. 'How did you know where I was?' he demanded back.

'Process of elimination,' announced James. 'Anyway, don't question me. Why were you hanging out with McGonagall when you ought to have been looking for Moony and getting in some high-level grovelling?'

'I didn't just wander in for a chat,' growled Sirius. 'She collared me outside the hospital wing.'

'Why did you let her do that? You were meant to keeping a low profile with teachers, precisely because it would look suspicious if you were caught.'

'Well, I was keeping a low profile,' Sirius interrupted savagely, 'a very low profile indeed, what with being laid out on the floor after Snivellus hexed me.'

'Snivellus hexed you?' asked James blankly. 'What did you let him do that for?'

'Believe it or not, Prongs, I didn't exactly give him a written invitation. He just attacked me!' Sirius exclaimed.

'Okay, fine, cool down,' James said. 'What did happen then?'

Sirius paused. He didn't like to lie to his best friend, but there was no way he was going to tell him the whole truth. As if today hasn't been completely humiliating enough, he thought. After a moment's deliberation, he said, 'I was in the corridor, as arranged, and I, er, just bumped into Snivellus. We were arguing, and he just hexed me, out of the blue.'

James narrowed his eyes. 'What were you arguing about? Are you sure you didn't do anything?'

'Yes, I'm sure,' said Sirius, exasperated. 'He was being his usual vindictive self, and he made an opprobrious remark -'

'What did he say?' James queried.

'I don't like to repeat it,' answered Sirius, with rather more dignity than was justified under the circumstances. 'But it was opprobrious.'

'What's opprobrious?' asked Peter.

'Shut up, Wormtail,' chorused the others.

'Anyway,' Sirius continued, 'Snivellus made an extremely scornful or abusive remark.' He paused to scowl at Peter, demonstrating his distain for his friend's poor vocabulary skills. Peter flushed and looked away. 'So I made a swing for him, and he petrified me. Judging by the state of the back of my head, he also took the opportunity to attempt to knock seven shades out of me whilst I was in no position to fight back! Most unsporting of him, I might add. Then McGonagall found me and hauled me off to her office.'

'Padfoot, you utter arse, I don't believe this,' James wailed. 'You promised to take this seriously, and now I hear that you've been getting into fights instead, and with Snivellus of all people. What the hell were you thinking of?'

'Well, I was thinking that I shouldn't have to just stand there and listen to Snivellus insulting me, but clearly you're of a different opinion!'

'Too right I am!' James exploded. 'I'm of the opinion you had more important things to do than scrapping with Snivellus, like apologising to Moony. Remember that, or did it slip your attention?'

'Yes, I remember,' snapped Sirius. 'As a matter of fact, I had already spoken to Moony.'

'Oh,' said James. 'So, how did it go?'

'Fucking terrible, thank you for asking,' replied Sirius. 'He's not interested.'

'So you screwed it up again? I might have known you'd mess it up. What did he say?'

'That he never wants to talk to me again,' answered Sirius angrily. 'That he thinks I was only ever friends with him because I thought it would be cool to hang out with a werewolf and that I'm a complete hypocrite for running away from home because I'm just like the rest of my family, anyway.'

James shook his head. 'He didn't - '

'Yes, Prongs, he did. Now if you don't mind, I'd rather not hang around, chatting about it. So if you'll kindly piss off out of my way, I'm going out,' raged Sirius. And with that, he pushed his way through Peter and James and stormed off out of the castle.

************

Sirius strode out into the grounds, which were bathed in bright, cool autumn sunlight. He wasn't dressed for going out of doors, wearing only jeans and a thin T-shirt, but he barely noticed the chill in the late September air. Anger and frustration pushed him onwards across the grounds, past Hagrid's hut, along the perimeter of the Forbidden Forest. On and on, he marched around the Hogwarts grounds. He briefly considered walking straight out of Hogwarts and onto...where, exactly? He had nowhere to go.

Finally, Sirius slowed down by the edge of the lake. It was a quiet spot, out of view from the castle, shaded by trees. Sirius climbed onto a rock by the water's edge. He could hear students around the grounds, but none sounded like they were nearby. There was a dull roar from the Quidditch Stadium. Sirius supposed it must be a Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff practice; near-death experience or no, James would never miss Gryffindor's practice sessions nor the opportunity to cause trouble at Slytherin's.

Sirius stared gloomily into the dark, cold water of the lake. Looks like I really screwed up this time, he reflected dully. He kept remembering the look on Remus' face as he told him he was just like the rest of his family, that he was no sort of friend. Remus was never going to forgive him for what he had done, and now maybe James wouldn't, either. In the five minutes it had taken him to tell Snape about the Willow, he had effectively lost his friends. He hadn't cared about losing his family - well, he had, more than he pretended, but not that much. What did he care about that bunch of inbred bigots while he had his friends, who were more like a family than his own relations, anyway? But without them, he had nothing - no one - left.

Would anyone miss me if I did just jump in? Sirius wondered bitterly. He couldn't swim. Much to James' hilarity, Sirius couldn't survive for more than a few moments in water without flailing around in a desperate panic. Peter had made a poor show of hiding his pleasure at not being the worst at something, just for once. Sirius pondered the murky depths of the lake for a few moments, wondering idly if he should jump in. A cool breeze shimmered over the surface of the lake, making Sirius shiver. His stomach growled uncomfortably-he'd eaten nothing but a handful of biscuits over the past twenty-four hours. Fuck it, he told himself. Can't drown myself on an empty stomach.

He stood up and brushed himself down, deciding he'd have to get back to the castle soon if he didn't want to miss dinner as well. Ready to leave, he glanced back at the lake. 'Yeah, like I'd really do that,' he muttered scornfully.

Sirius jumped down from the rock, landed awkwardly on a pile of smaller stones, lost his footing, slid over a patch of mud, and executed a spectacularly graceless dive straight into one of the deepest parts of the lake.

************

Water rushing, swirling, dark, strange noises...Sirius felt himself plunge into the cold, wet darkness...down, down...drowning...back up, floating to the surface, gasping for air...shouts, screaming...falling back into the water...can't breathe...can't see...something pulling, arms beating, struggling...cold, so cold...gasping for air...tugging, pulling...hair tugging...retching, no air...air...all dark...

'Ah...ah...what?'

Sirius could feel someone pulling him out of the water, one hand grasping his arm, the other pulling him by the hair. He was out...mostly out. He felt mud and stones under his back; his feet were still in the water. Someone was shaking him, shouting, slapping his face, trying to wake him up...

'Black, Black! Are you all right? Speak to me!'

Sirius struggled to focus on the anxious face leaning over him. 'Hnnngh,' he muttered, spitting out muddy water.

'Thank fuck for that! I thought you'd actually drowned!'

Sirius shook his head slowly. Lily Evans smiled with relief.