Inter-species Relations

Random Weirdness 1: Inter-species Relations.

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Love hath no boundaries, nor doth it understand any sin in being different.

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Remus Lupin gripped the rope looped around the strange creature. It begin shrieking.

"We wants not to go with strangers. We wants to be with Master and fat hobbit! We wants to be with good hobbitsess!!!!"

He grimaced at the sharp edge-cutting voice. He just knew that it would be giving him nightmares for the next few weeks, maybe even months. But it was absolutely necessary to educate his students on any possible effects of dark magic, and this vile, screaming creature, was definitely one of the best examples ever. Remus grit his teeth and tried to ignore the banshee-like shrieks from it.

"Thank you Mr. Gamgee. I'll be sure to bring it back to you soon as I'm done with it so that it can carry on leading you into Mordor."

"You're most welcome sir. You could keep him if you wanted."

The last thing that Remus saw as he spun his Time Turner over was a fatter hobbit desperately pining down the one with the exceptionally bright, delirious and slightly cross-eyed one who was trying to fight to get the creature he had on a leash with him. Hmm, those eyes. They have to be contacts, I guess. Or maybe even an Appearance Illusion Charm.

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The class fixed their eyes on the strange creature in front of them. It had large blue eyes, was a pale beige color all over and had a cadaverous look about it. Its scrawny limbs resembled that of a house elf, but it walked on all fours, scampering around on whatever ground it could reach within the radius of the thick cord around his neck which was tied to the teacher's desk like a ship tied to a dock. It shrieked over and over again and gibbered to itself as though it was having a conversation with... itself. This was a seventh year Advanced Defense Against the Dark Arts class, so by right no dark creature should be able to keep them transfixed to a speechless level like they were at now. But this little guy had all their attention. Finally, Lupin broke the silence by clapping his hands together.

"Alright. Now that everyone has stared at our guest for a considerable amount of time, can anyone tell me what it is?"

For once, Hermione's hand stayed down. She was every bit as puzzled as the rest of the class.

"No one? Okay then. This is Gollum, a river hobbit, but it's no ordinary river hobbit. As you know, we're learning about dark objects and their influences on ordinary beings. In the third age, a dark lord called Sauron made a number of rings which he gave out to the different folks back then, the elves -- "

"Elves?" Draco said with an air of disdain. "You mean like those house elves that take care of things around the castle? And Malfoy Manor?"

"No, Mr. Malfoy. I'm talking about elves from the third age which were from the third age. Very different." Remus sighed inwardly as he thought of the elves. Such beautiful things. he remembered his little time trips back in time to meet Haldir. No one was ever as good as him in...Remus shook himself back to reality as he realized the class was staring at him strangely. He quickly resumed his lecture. "Anyway, as I was saying, the rings were given out to elves, dwarfs and men. Unknown to these ring receivers, Sauron made one more ring which enabled him to have control over those with the rings. It was known as the One Ring, and had on it had words etched on it in the black tongue of Mordor, Sauron's country. It said, One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them. This particular river hobbit had the ring for nearly 500 years. River hobbits don't usually live for such a long time, nor look like this. The ring gave Gollum here an exceptionally long life, but also turned him into what he is now."

At this point, Hermione's hand rose into the air slowly. She said, "Sir, isn't that the story of the Lord of the Rings? Isn't that a fictional story by J.R.R. Tolkien?"

"Right Hermione, take ten for Gryffindor. But it that wasn't a work of fiction, but a history book. Sauron of that time was probably like Voldemort from a couple of years back."

At the mention of Voldemort, Harry shuddered and appeared to be having a fit. He pulled his legs up, wrapped his arms around his knees and begin to whimper.

"Oh bother," muttered Ron. After defeating Voldemort in his sixth year, Harry had never been the same, turning into a whimpering idiot and going into fits whenever he heard the word Voldemort. He had quite a range of antics during his fits, which spanned from the tamer kinds such as just whimpering, right to attempting to lifting Draco up and trying to toss him out of any nearby window. A word about Draco here. He had gone over to the good side in his fifth year after his father had killed his mother on Voldemort's instructions. He aided Harry with his extensive knowledge of the dark arts, and was now close friends with Ron and Hermione.

"Professor Lupin, may we take Harry down to the infirmary?" Ron tried to get Harry up by helping him out of the chair by putting an arm around his friend's waist. Harry responded to his help by leaping up at Ron, throwing his arms around Ron's neck and wrapping his legs around Ron's waist. It would have been okay if Harry was still the puny little boy that Ron met on the Hogwarts Express years ago, but the problem was that he wasn't. Harry had grown to be a six-foot tall. Ron fell over from the impact of Harry jumping on him, and ended up on the floor sprawled on his back next to Draco's seat with Harry clinging to him like young monkey to his mother. The class erupted with laughter.

"Erm, Draco? A little help here perhaps?"

Chuckling, Draco climbed out of his seat and started to pry Harry off Ron. Then suddenly, Remus spoke.

"Hang on for a moment Draco. Look at the Gollum."

The class instantly became silent, as they turned to face the Gollum, who had his gaze fixed on Harry. It was a look of adoration, as though he would do anything that Harry told him to. Lupin released Gollum, who crawled slowly up to Harry, reached up to his face and begin running a finger down Harry's cheek.

"Man looks much like master. We thinksess black haired man is nice."

A small smile twitched at Lupin's face. He knew that this was how the Frodo Baggins, the cross eyed delirious hobbit was like after being the ringbearer for some time. Gollum must have found such characters endearing. On being touched by Gollum, Harry tensed up again then suddenly relaxed, as though he was back to normal. Usually, this effect had to be achieved by several pitchers of Relaxation Draught from Mdm Pomfrey. Harry stared at Ron under him, stared at Gollum beside him, then twisted around to see the amused face of Draco above him. Scrambling off Ron and pushing Gollum aside, he groaned. "What were we doing?"

"Master is alright. We wants to be with master!" said Gollum, scrambling over to be with Harry. Then, looking up dolefully at Harry, he rasped again. "We is hungry. We wants food!"

Remus smiled. "Well Harry, our guest seems to have taken a liking to you. And since it's hungry, why don't you take it to the kitchens? I'm sure they'll have some raw fish for it. And I want Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Weasley to follow them, in case Harry has another... erm... episode. "

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And so the three of them trudged out of class with Gollum in tow. Draco was still sniggering about what he had now named 'Harry's Great Leap of Faith', that was, Harry's spectacular jump onto Ron, and was getting dirty looks from Ron. They might be friends now, but they had agreed that regular taunting and verbal abuse was a necessary part in their relationship. Harry, on the other hand, was too busy trying to control Gollum who wanted to lead the way instead of being lead, and in addition to being the one who had jumped on Ron, he was left out of the battle between Ron and Draco.

When they reached the kitchen, Harry reached out to tickle the pear in the painting, which giggled and turned into a handle. He opened the door and all three of them stepped into the kitchen. A house elf immediately flung himself at Harry, squealing loudly.

"Harry Potter! It's good to see you sir! Is there anything I can get for you?"

Harry shifted uncomfortably in Dobby's embrace. He was glad enough to see Dobby, but Dobby's long nose was sticking into his inner thigh and even though he often suffered from fits just slightly short of those wearing straitjackets in St Mungo's, he was still a 17-year-old with raging hormones. And getting known as The Boy Who Gets Horny By House Elves was simply not the same as The boy who lived. Though it does have a ring to it. Harry slapped himself mentally. What the hell am I thinking?!?!?

"Hello Dobby," Harry wriggled out from Dobby's arms. "It's good to see you again. Do you have any raw fish or sorts?"

"Why Harry Potter want raw fish?" asked Dobby curiously.

"It's for Gollum here," said Harry, pointing at the creature on the leash.

Gollum, on hearing his name, scampered out from behind Harry. "Yes Master -"

He never finished what he was going to say to Harry, as when he saw Dobby, he gazed at her with, what Draco would later say, eyes of love. One could almost see the electricity zapping between the two of them. For the first time in half a millennium, Gollum straightened up to walk on his 2 legs. He walked up to Dobby stiffly and held out a gnarled hand.

"We is Smeagol. You is..."

"Dobby, sir, Dobby the house elf." Having said that, Dobby lowered his eyes to the floor. Ron could have sworn that he was fluttering his eye lashes, that is, if Dobby had eye lashes.

The two of them stared at each other for a long time. It was simply love at first sight. The chemistry running between them was like Snape and his love to torture students. Finally, Dobby tore her gaze from Gollum and said, "Harry Potter. Why not you leave Smeagol with me? You and your friends have to go to class, no?"

Harry quickly said, "Why not? Bring him to Professor Lupin later on okay?"

With that, the three boys quickly walked out of the kitchen into the corridor outside. By the time the doorway to the kitchen was gone, all three were tearing with mirth, Ron rolling on the floor, Draco slumped against the wall, both laughing so hard they were unable to stand. Harry was bent over into half, chortling as hard as his two friends and gasping, "Stitch! I'm getting stitches in my side," before collapsing onto the ground with laughter as well. And after they managed to get up and make their way back to the class, Draco said, " What do you guys think their kids would look like? That is if pregnancy charms work on them..." Ron and Harry instantly cracked up again.

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The next day, Ron, Harry and Draco learnt that Dobby had not returned Gollum to Professor Lupin. This got them a little worried about getting into trouble with the school. But when they told Remus about signs between Dobby and Gollum, he had laughed and said perhaps it was fine for Dobby to keep Gollum for a while more.

Over the course of a week, students could be seen running out of the Astronomy Tower after midnight hours, even towards the wrath of Filch patrolling the corridors. This was due to, as some of them reported, the scene being presented to them in the Tower, namely the exotic courtship rituals between two creatures, ranging from them chasing each other round and round the tower to showers of heavy gold rings from the ceiling the Tower.

Students loitering around the lake also witnessed the disturbing sight of Gollum 'serenading' Dobby by singing at the top of his lungs, "Rock and pool, is nice and cool," followed by a stream of gibberish before he shouted something about "FISH!" and diving into the water. Gollum usually emerged from the water with a fish which he would then kill by smacking it against the rocks by the lake, then presenting it shyly to Dobby. One student even claimed to have seen Gollum dive into the lake, only to be lifted out of the water, sitting on the tentacle of the giant squid as though on a garden bench. As the tentacle carried him towards the shore of the lake, he stretched out a hand to help Dobby onto the tentacle and the two of them sat on the tentacle, holding hands as though they were on some sort of a lovers' ride in an amusement park. This gained the approval of girls in Hogwarts, as Hermione put it, " That's so sweet! Most of the guys... wait, make that all of the male humans at Hogwarts couldn't even come up with something as romantic as that." This was said at the end of a free period in the library as she, Harry, Ron and Draco sat studying together. Having said so, she had gathered up her books, stuck her nose up towards the ceiling and strode out of the library, leaving three very puzzled boys behind. When the three of them regained their senses, they begin taunting each other about who she had directed her little speech at. But then, a more important point was raised by Ron.

"Shouldn't we be trying to get Gollum back to the Third Age so that he can save us from anymore criticism that we're inferior in love tactics than a non-human?"

"Love tactics?!" chorused Draco and Harry before breaking into hysterical laughter.

Ron flushed. "That didn't come across too well, did it? Oh anyway, you know what I mean. We need a plan."

A smug smile spread slowly across Draco's face, " Leave the planning to the cunning Slytherin, boys, I think I've got it..."

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The next day, after Defense Against the Dark Arts, Harry, Ron and Draco stayed back to speak to Professor Lupin.

"Sir, don't you think that it's time to get Gollum back to the Third Ages? The ringbearer needs him, doesn't he?"

"Actually, not really, because I left a copy of The Lord of the Rings with Frodo and Sam, so that they wouldn't have problems in going through Mordor even without Gollum."

"But sir..." The power of all three boys whining at him at the same time with puppy dog eyes was simply too great for Remus to take, who finally gave in. "Okay okay. I suppose that it's necessary for Sam and Frodo to have Gollum back. I'm not sure how we've affected history by bringing Gollum forward. You have any ideas of luring him back to us?"

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"You call this a plan Malfoy?!?" snorted Harry.

"Well, do you have anything better?" Draco retorted. That shut Harry up, as he didn't know any other way out as well. It turned out that Draco's plan included procuring a large amounts of fresh fish and hoisting out the entire basket under a tree by the lake side and then waiting behind the trees with magically reinforced gigantic butterfly nets. Ron cuffed his two friends on their heads, earning an "Oww!" from Harry and "Watch the hair man!" from Draco.

Anyway, it was a supremely long stalk out in the hot sun as it was mid summer at Hogwarts together with the immensely odor of the fish that had begun to rot in the hot weather, but readers will be glad to learn that their efforts paid off, and they successfully caught Dobby and Gollum. But this was not without a fight. As Harry threw his net over the house elf, Dobby who knew about Harry's fits and had shrieked, "Voldemort, Voldemort!" causing Harry to have one of his worse fits in the year and he threw himself onto Dobby, trying to break his nose and rip out its ears at the same time. At the other net, Draco and Ron managed to fling the elven leash that Lupin had given them around Gollum's neck, who instantly responded by screaming, "It burns, it BURNS!" Draco gripped the leash tightly and shouted, "Ron, get Harry off that elf before he kills it!" Ron spent a good quarter of an hour pulling Harry off Dobby, while Draco dragged a weeping, despairing Gollum back to Lupin in the castle. Gollum struggled hard against the leash, even trying to take it off so as to reach Dobby, but as it was of elven make, he was unable to get touch it without feeling it burn his skin, thus preventing him to get to his beloved.

Back in the castle, things happen quickly. Lupin was already dressed in his traveling cloak, all ready for his trip back in time. Draco handed the leash to Lupin, who flipped his Time Turner over and brought a miserable Gollum back to the hobbits in the Third Age. By the lake, Ron stunned Harry with a full body bind, and with levitating charms, he brought a stiff and stunned Harry and an unconscious Dobby back to the school's infirmary.

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After Gollum was gone, things in the school pretty much went back to normal, The female population of the school had been slightly disappointed at the fact that they no longer had a figure for them to act as a comparison against their boyfriends and girlfriends. One should note that Harry was no longer Dobby's idol. Instead, it made a point to shout, "Voldemort!" at Harry at least once a day, throwing him into fit after fit. Perhaps this was an upside, as after one month, the word gradually lost its effect on Harry, as he would simply cringe instead of having an 'episode', as Lupin put it. On the other hand, Dobby had resorted to playing little tricks on Harry, Ron and Draco to appease his own anger of losing Gollum to them.

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Harry and Ron threw their book bags onto the floor next to them and flopped down in their seats at the Gryffindor table.

"I'm starving! Snape had no right to keep us back for such a long time after lesson ended!" said Ron.

Harry, who was equally hungry nodded his head wordlessly as he shoveled food into his mouth. Across the table, Ron was eating with a similar amount of gusto. They had completely forgotten of Dobby's past tricks of shocking pink warts and the mushroom ears as they had eaten safely for nearly a fortnight now. They thought they were safe, that was until they heard shouts of laughter from the Slytherin table. Harry and Ron looked up to see Draco's fine blond hair replaced by neon green shoots, which were very much like onion shoots. Harry and Ron instinctively reached up to their heads.

"Oh crap!"