Love Rings Through Silence

Love Rings Through Silence

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Dear Journal,

I just found you today. I'm thankful you're not some bewitched notebook, like the one that Ginny Weasley found years ago- I took you in to see Professor Dumbledore and make sure there weren't any enchantments upon you. I don't trust many teachers around the school anymore. Dark times are approaching. You-Know-Who's power is increasing more each day. Most people are worried about Harry Potter- he's so brave, I must admit, I do admire him... yet, as much as I care for Harry, as he's like a brother to me, there's another that I think even more highly of. Draco Malfoy.

I don't even understand my attraction for him, really. I'm not fond of his history with the dark side, his father being a Death Eater and all... but there's just something about him, something I can't explain- I just find him extremely attractive. Those cool blue eyes, great physique, and blonde hair...

I just feel that beneath his armour of arrogance there's something more to him, a softer side. I just wish I could open him up, help him see the world in a different way. That's only a dream though. I know that he wouldn't fancy me. I can't believe I'm pouring my heart out like this, as I never do, but one cannot hide their true feelings for very long.

I suppose I just feel that I'm attached to you, journal. I found something I can trust. I can feel this force that's just draining me...but not in a bad way. It's exhausting, trying to explain one's emotions when you were taught to keep your mouth shut.

I'm sick of following orders- Slytherins and Gryffindors do not intermingle...but oh how I long to be next to him...

I always feel my heart sink into the pit of my stomach when I see him glance over at me during meal times in the Great Hall. He always has this cold look on his face. I want to slap it off of him, kiss it off of him.

How far will the young heart go?

I fear someone finding you, journal. What if Draco found out about my feelings for him? What would happen then? I would be the laughing stock of the school...not that it matters... I'm not that well known, and I'm content with that. I don't want my reputation to go from non-existent to "the boy who loves Draco, ha, ha, ha". I blush at the thought.

No one knows about the emotions that I carry deep inside of me. I can't tell anyone else... they'd think I was joking about this matter. There's nothing more trustworthy than telling someone or something that can't laugh at you.

If only things could go my way for once. I'm not saying that I'm not happy, it's just that my past relationships haven't been that wonderful... it's just that I don't find women to be as appealing as men. What if they found out I was gay? I'm sure my close friends would be fine, but the pain I would get from others... not that it matters...

Why am I so self-conscious? It doesn't matter! I have to get that into my brain.

All this rambling about my love interests is starting to scare me. I believe I've had enough for today.

Seamus