Top Ten Signs That Your Dorm Mate Is A Werewolf

Sirius looked at the book he'd just purchased: How to identify a werewolf: history, clues, and a special checklist! By D. Umbridge. He'd often wondered what was wrong with Remus, and his monthly absence seemed to imply that there was something wrong with him and not his dozens of aunts. Sirius had studied the moon chart, and it seemed to fit. However, he wasn't about to rush to Remus asking if he really was a werewolf without further proof. His mother had studied several curses, and Sirius knew that some of them only kicked in during the full moon without being werewolf-related, which explained the book he'd bought. Maybe Remus's aunt had been cursed by Sirius's mother? If the signs all applied to Remus, then surely, it wouldn't be wrong for Sirius to confront him and ask if he was a werewolf. He opened the book and started to read:

(10) Werewolves have blood red fingernails.

It is commonly believed that the colour of their nails come from their ripping their prey to parts. Surely, such evil leaves traces even in human form. It is also believed that if a man paints his nails red, he becomes a werewolf.

Sirius looked discreetly over at Remus in History of Magic. Remus's long, slim hands were moving continuously over the parchment, studiously noting everything Professor Binns said. Remus fingers were of the kind Sirius had heard his mother call "piano fingers;" long, slim and exceptionally beautiful. He was naturally inclined to scorn everything his mother liked, but he couldn't help but think she had a point. If Remus did indeed have piano fingers, then piano fingers were beautiful. And his nails had the same pinkish colour that Sirius's own had. Sirius frowned and tried to remember if his cousins had ever painted their nails in a natural colour, and if it was possible. He didn't have very extensive knowledge on the subject of nail polish, but if the first sign was thwarted, he would feel quite foolish to ever think Remus evil at all.

Suddenly, he noticed that Remus had stopped writing. "Why are you staring at my hands, Sirius?" said Remus nervously, and Sirius looked up at him.

"Eeh," he said. "I'm trying to figure out how you can learn everything so quickly. My theory is that since your fingers are so beau--erm, long, you have a bigger brain, and it is therefore easier for you to learn." He nodded securely, not quite happy with his explanation, but glad that he'd been able to come up with anything at all on such short notice.

"Right," said Remus, still sounding very doubtful, but went back to writing about the Goblin Rebellions anyway.

(9) Werewolves prefer night and solitude.

Since werewolves are such vile creatures, they cannot stand to be around good people. They prefer night and solitude, and will potentially fake illness when asked to participate in social gatherings.

Sirius looked at Remus's half-sleeping form in the library. "It's nearly curfew, you know," he said in a low voice.

Remus jumped into the air. "Sirius!" he said breathlessly. "You scared me. I had no idea you were here." He looked with concern at Sirius's slouching form. "Is something wrong?"

"No," said Sirius, still watching Remus.

"Could you--I mean, would you like to sit down? I'm working on a Charms project, and I really need to learn this for tomorrow." His tone was of the "Out Of Politeness I'll Ask You To Accompany Me But I Would Prefer If You Didn't Take Up On My Offer"-variety. "I won't be able to talk much, but if you want to study with me, you're welcome to."

"Actually, I was going to ask if you wanted to come with me, James and Peter to the kitchen."

Remus looked at him with a sad smile. "Nah, I don't think so. I'm going to finish this, and then I'll go to bed. I'm not feeling all that well."

(8) Werewolves have been known to dig up corpses and eat them.

When a werewolf cannot feast on living humans for reasons beyond their control, they will often dig up corpses and eat them.

"Good morning, Remus," said James as the remaining second-year Gryffindor boy got down to the breakfast table Friday morning.

"Hi," said Remus quickly as he splattered strawberry jam on his toast. "I was thinking of eating outside today."

As Sirius automatically rose to join him, Remus shook his head. "I'd prefer to be alone today, Sirius."

He walked swiftly out of the Great Hall. Sirius stared at the spot where he'd last been long after the doors had closed.

"One might think you don't want to be with us, Sirius?" said Peter questioningly, and Sirius turned to look at him and James. James was looking very questioning and a bit worried, where Peter was just looking questioning.

"Of course I do!" said Sirius indignantly. "It's just... Remus has been acting a bit odd lately, don't you think?"

"Remus has been acting odd?" exclaimed James incredulously. "What about you? Talking about his hands, always following him everywhere, always watching him... I thought you and I were supposed to be best friends, not you and him!"

"We are!" hurried Sirius to assure. "It's just... I'm onto something. I'll fill you in later."

He ate the rest of his breakfast silently, only speaking to confirm that they did have Transfigurations first that day.

Remus hurried in just in time not to be late and sat down by the bench next to Sirius's.

"Where have you been?" wheezed Sirius.

"I found a tombstone," whispered Remus back.

"Was it new?"

"Yeah, fairly--" They stopped talking abruptly as Professor McGonagall cleared her throat.

"Mr Lupin, you have strawberry jam on your cheek," she said discreetly before addressing the whole class. "Today, we are going to..."

Sirius tuned her out and watched avidly as Remus blushed and wiped a smear of red from the corner of his mouth.

(7) Werewolves are extremely deceitful.

Werewolves have no sense of pride or loyalty. They can pretend to have, but the raw truth is: they don't. They could even eat their own children (although Merlin forbid that they grow up as evil as their father).

"Move aside, Gryffindor."

Sirius was roughly pushed out of Bellatrix's way. She had never gotten over that Sirius hadn't been placed in Slytherin like a true Black.

"Leave him alone!" Sirius looked up in surprise at Remus, who was standing defiantly in the hallway, which had gone eerily quiet. Slytherin/Gryffindor confrontations weren't unusual, but that a second-year initiated a fight with a seventh-year was unheard of.

"What did you say?" whispered Bellatrix.

"Are you deaf?" snarled Remus. "I told you to leave him alone. He hasn't done anything to deserve your idiocy."

Bellatrix narrowed her eyes.

"Thanks, Remus," said Sirius to break the tension, "but it's really not necessary."

"Defending your boyfriend, Lupin? How cute."

Remus's cheeks reddened slightly. "He's not my boyfriend."

Bellatrix laughed her high, cold laugh. "Oh, isn't he? Why are you blushing, then?" Her eyes were shining with mirth. "I always suspected my cousin was abnormal, but this is just too much!"

Remus straightened his back. "I don't know what you get up to in Slytherin," he said flippantly, "but we Gryffindors tend to wait with that kind of thing until we're older." He turned to leave. "Come on, Sirius."

Sirius followed Remus with a smug smirk at Bellatrix, who was glaring at Remus's retreating back.

(6) The werewolf's eyebrows signify it to others.

The werewolf's eyebrows meet over his nose bridge, a side effect of their wolf form.

Sirius frowned. He hadn't paid much attention to Remus's eyebrows. He shrugged slightly to himself, put down the book and went down into the common room.

"Hello," he said and lay down in the couch Remus was sitting on.

"Hi there," said Remus with a downward glance. "Tired of doing nothing where no one can see you? Or did you come down to do homework?"

"Homework? Pfft. I've already done all of it. I just wanted to see you."

Remus hmm-ed noncommittally and continued working. Sirius looked closely, but he couldn't see that Remus eyebrows met over his nose bridge.

"Do you ever pluck your eyebrows?" he asked. Really, it wasn't that stupid a question. Remus's eyebrows were nicely arched, nary a hair out of place. It was entirely plausible that he did.

"Don't be stupid, Sirius," said James in a superior tone of voice. "Only girls pluck their eyebrows."

Sirius didn't say anything. He wasn't so sure, but he wasn't about to push the issue. He decided to drop it for the moment, but if he got more evidence against Remus, he would bring it up again.

(5) Werewolves want to be what they are.

A commonly used method for becoming a werewolf is concocting a potion consisting of (among other things that shall not be named) Poppy Seeds, Henbane and Aloe. This will then be applied to the body under the full moon, and the transformation will begin.

"What do we have now?" James idly snatched Remus's schedule from his hands. "Potions. Yippee. Time for Snivellus to show off."

Remus smiled his sad smile again--the one Sirius had seen so many times over the weeks. He had found himself wanting to crawl inside Remus's skull to see what thoughts lay behind that smile. He had named it Remus's Mystery Smile, because he'd found that if Remus smiled like that, he had a secret. Sometimes he told them at once, but just as often he let Sirius wonder what the secret was. Although, Sirius had to admit that it technically couldn't count as "let him wonder" if Remus didn't even know that Sirius knew he had a secret.

"I'm actually glad that we have Potions today," said Remus in his calm, deep voice. Sirius had begun to marvel that such a young child could have such a deep voice--while he usually didn't want to count anyone his age as "young," he had to admit that all the people he knew who were twelve years had squeakier voices than Remus. Sirius included. Peter included. James definitely included. Sirius found it very comforting to listen to Remus. His voice made Sirius calm even when he was fighting with his relatives, and it gave him a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Why is that?" asked Peter. "Don't tell me you enjoy hearing Snivellus making snide remarks about the stupidity of us Gryffindors?"

"Of course not," said Remus with a small laughter. "I just need some Poppy Seeds and--"

"Sirius," said James sternly, "you're staring at Remus again."

"Am not!" Protested Sirius, although he knew too well that it was true. But so what, he had a reason. He tried to see what Remus was thinking again, but the boy had turned away and was walking towards the dungeons with raised shoulders.

(4) Werewolves have dry eyes and mouth.

Being evil takes a lot of energy and water, so werewolves have to drink a lot.

"I'm going down to the kitchen," said Remus and opened the portrait hole.

"I'll go with you," said Sirius and shot up from his armchair. Remus looked a bit stunned when Sirius pulled at his arm, and shook his head in bewilderment at James. "Come on."

They clambered out of the portrait hole and embarked on their mighty quest. "What are you getting?" asked Sirius.

"I want some pumpkin juice," said Remus timidly, and Sirius froze momentarily.

"Drink, eh? Didn't you drink just fifteen minutes ago?" he said with a strained smile in Remus's direction.

"Yes," said Remus, looking a bit confused, "but I want some pumpkin juice."

"Oh." They walked in silence until they got to the kitchen, where Remus tickled the pear. Sirius thought that it was amazing that Remus could manage to do even that politely. He supposed he cold have been polite as well, but his mother had always requested politeness on his part, so he was strongly opposed to it.

As he followed Remus into the kitchen, he took a second to marvel over the fact that when Remus did something Sirius normally despised, it didn't seem as horrible anymore.

"A glass of pumpkin juice, please," said Remus to the house elf. "Do you want something, Sirius?"

Sirius shook his head absently, regarding Remus closely. He didn't look like a werewolf, at least not in Sirius's opinion. He was the kind of person you instantly trusted, not the kind of person you suspected ripped babies apart in his spare time.

"Why are you staring at me?" Remus was sounding quite panicked. Sirius could admit that maybe he had reason; he had looked at Remus rather much the last weeks.

"I'm just thinking that... your hair looks nice."

Remus blinked, and didn't say anything until they got back to the common room.

(3) One way to identify the werewolf is to feel its skin.

A werewolf's skin is rough, scratched and hairy, due to it itching during the transformation.

Sirius padded silently from his bed to Remus's. He hadn't been able to come up with an excuse to touch Remus's face when Remus was awake, so he had resolved to do it when his dorm mates were asleep. He pulled the curtains gently apart and looked down at Remus's sleeping form. The light from the waxing moon spilled over Remus's features--so troubled even in his sleep--and Remus twitched slightly, muttering something unintelligible.

Sirius crawled up on the bed in order to reach better, and slowly extended his hand. He touched Remus's face gingerly. The skin was soft and smooth, and Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. A point in Remus's favour.

"Sirius?" James sat up in his bed. "What are you doing?"

"Eh..."

"Sirius?" Sirius looked down, and saw that Remus had woken up. "What--?"

"I thought you had a nightmare," said Sirius quickly and jumped off the bed. "But I can see that you're all right now."

James was looking from one to the other with a dubious look on his face. Peter was snoring just as merrily as usual.

"Goodnight," said Sirius loudly and pulled his curtains.

(2) Werewolves have very bad breath.

Due to eating children and drinking blood (they're especially fond of the blood of virgins), werewolves are known to have exceptionally bad breath. If anyone is breathed on by a werewolf, there will be no confusion at all--the smell will give the werewolf away at once.

Sirius sneaked up behind Remus in the common room. This was pretty fool-proof; he'd just get close enough to smell Remus's breath, and he'd know, once and for all. Over the course of the previous weeks, he'd found that the signs pointing to Remus being a werewolf were roughly the same amount as the ones proving that he wasn't. This was the final test.

"Hello," he breathed in Remus's ear, making Remus jump. He tried to smell the gasp that Remus let out, but to no avail. He walked around the chair and smiled at his friend.

"H-hi," squeaked Remus. "What are you doing, Sirius?"

Sirius leaned closer with a smile. "I'm just trying to figure out the exact colour of your eyes."

"They're brown," said Remus, still with a more high-pitched voice than usual.

"Oh yes, I'm sure they are," said Sirius. "But there are so many different shades of brown. Dark brown, light brown... uh, yeah. I'm trying to figure out which one your eyes are." He looked closer. It would be very nice to know the exact colour of Remus's eyes. They were so vibrant, and now that Sirius had a chance to figure it out, he wasn't going to let it slip. He leaned closer still, and Remus leaned back.

"Um, Sirius, you--"

Sirius put a finger over his lips, still staring intently at Remus, who was now looking progressively more like a deer caught in the headlights of the Knight bus. His eyes were the colour of hazelnuts, but more vibrant than James's--although, Sirius had never seen James's eyes this close up. Remus's eyes had small, golden dots in his eyes, too, and Sirius was sure that James didn't have those. He looked down at his finger, which was still resting on Remus's lips. Even though they were slightly open due to Remus breathing quickly, Sirius couldn't smell anything. He leaned forward quickly and pecked Remus on the lips, but still didn't smell anything.

"Okay, I know what colour they are now," he said casually and went up to the dorm. His final test had been proven wrong.

(1) Werewolves have a horrid temper.

Werewolves cannot control themselves, even while in human form.

Sirius looked down at the book in disappointment. If he'd only bothered to read the whole book before he went to work, he'd know that Remus wasn't a werewolf. Honestly, he thought that the boy didn't even know what "losing one's temper" meant.

"What are you doing, Sirius!?" Remus stormed into the room, looking frantic. Sirius looked apologetically at him.

"I was just trying to figure out if you're a werewolf," he said and showed the book to Remus. Remus's eyes widened and he sat down heavily on his bed.

"But don't worry," Sirius hurried to reassure, "I came to the conclusion that you can't be one since you're so nice and--"

"I am."

Sirius stared at Remus in mild shock. "But you're so nice and calm! Your breath doesn't smell like blood, and your skin is smooth..."

"So that's what all this has been about," said Remus tiredly. "I was beginning to wonder."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

Remus looked apologetically at him. "Now, try to see it from my point of view, Sirius. You watched my hands, and if I'm not mistaken you were just about to call them beautiful, then you told me that my hair looks nice, you've been watching me all the time and following--"

"So what you're saying is," said Sirius, who was beginning to understand what Remus was talking about, "that you thought I was in love with you?"

Remus nodded, still looking apologetic. "And you came to my bed in the middle of the night, and just now you kissed me... please don't be mad with me."

They looked at each other, trying to figure out what the other was thinking. Remus started snickering quietly, and Sirius followed.

"As if we would ever fall in love," said Remus, severely amused.

Finis.