Regret

Dear Hermione,
I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I just want you to know that, before anything else. I know Ron must have told you by now - he...he ran from me, without saying a word. I wouldn't blame you for doing the same.
I don't know what to say to you. I still love you - completely and utterly - and I don't think anything will ever change that. But...I still know I can't justify what I did, and I'm not even sure if I should, as it wouldn't be fair on anyone.
Yes...yes, there were circumstances, and yes, it was a conscious decision. I don't want to lie to you; I at least owe you the truth.
Hermione...there's only so much I can say. I don't deserve your understanding and I don't deserve your forgiveness - I know that.
But I am sorry, I do regret, and I've never stopped loving you.

Harry

- - - - - -

12th December, 1999

Hermione,
Of course not! You have to understand that this wasn't some long-developing thing - I'd never have hidden anything like that from you, and you know that since we've been together, I've never thought of anyone but you.
I don't know how you can sound so calm, but I suppose letters can conceal a lot. My hand's shaking, my head pounds, and my heart aches.
I'm sorry I've hurt you. You're the last person I would ever want to cause pain to... though I know that's worth nothing, now.
We're being held in the hospital wing still. I do miss you, Hermione. I miss you more than anyone.

Harry

- - - - - -

16th December, 1999

Hermione,
I'm sorry, I don't mean to make it worse, though it is the truth. I do love you, and I do miss you.
Tell Ron...
I don't know. I've been thinking about it ever since he left, and I still just don't know. Is there anything I can say to make either of you trust me again?
Oh, Hermione... you ask me why, but the reason sounds so pathetic now. I don't know if I can face writing it, as the glaring inadequacy of it all tears me apart.
It... seemed like we had nothing else left but each other. We thought we were going to die. The crushing feeling of realising you only have an hour or so left to live was... like nothing else I've been through.
We were both desperate for comfort... but, we weren't thinking about each other. Does that make it worse?
Probably. We both regretted it, anyway.
I always will.

Harry

- - - - - -

19th December, 1999

Dear Hermione,
No, no. How can you say that? How can you just accept something like that, and want to move on and forget? I don't...I don't deserve that. I don't deserve you.
Can't you be angry? Cold? Bitter? I would never want you to be; such expressions don't suit you. But...you have a right to be. I just don't understand. I used to think I understood everything about you, but you still manage to surprise me sometimes.
It's the thought of you that keeps me going, Hermione. Not him. Never him.
It's snowing. I don't want to spend Christmas without you.

Harry

- - - - - -

21st December, 1999

Dearest Hermione,
I've been thinking, these past few days, about what you said. About...him.
I know what you think, but I need you to know that it's not true, and it's never been true. Not once. I had a feeling you always suspected it...and I suppose, possibly on a subconscious level, that I did feel something for him.
But what you have to understand, Hermione - what I need you to understand - is that since I first realised I loved you, I've never thought of anyone else.
I know I still don't deserve your forgiveness, but I love you all the more for it.
Ron hasn't replied to any of my owls. I don't know what to do.

Love,
Harry

- - - - - -

23rd December, 1999

Dear Hermione,
It's been so long since I've seen you... and I've still not been released from the hospital wing yet. All the children give me funny looks when they pass through; I suppose they wonder why I'm here.
But I can't stand being in the school any longer... I know you said I should try and forget, but I just can't. Especially while I'm here.
He comes to see me sometimes. I don't understand why. He says he misses me, that he loves me, that what happened wasn't a mistake.
I don't want to listen to it, Hermione, but it's all my fault! I still love you, I still miss you, and I tell him that. But he doesn't want to hear it. He says I'm in denial - just like you said so long ago.
I hate being alone. When you're with me you chase all my demons away - and I love you for that. I wish you were with me, but I know you can't leave your work.
As soon as I'm free again, I'll come and find you - and I'll make everything up to you, I promise.

Love,
Harry

- - - - - -

24th December, 1999

Hermione,
I'm finally out, I'll be with you tomorrow on Christmas Day! I couldn't bear another Christmas without you, and if I'm on time we'll be able to make it to midnight mass; God knows I need an absolution now more than ever.
I... I finally got him to leave me alone. I should probably feel worse, but he was...saying things. Horribly untrue things, Hermione, and I couldn't listen anymore.
You've been far too good to both of us; I know you wrote to him.
Thank you. For everything.

Know that I need you,
Harry

* * * * * *

23rd December, 1999

Blaise,
God, do you know what a fool I've been? All this time I've been deluding myself; harbouring some kind of hope that maybe, just maybe, I'm more to him than he makes out.
And then...it happened. I know - it was desperate, it was stupid, and above all it was meaningless. At least, to him it was, as he's made so abundantly clear.
But...I couldn't help but hope, after something like that. And then he acted surprised when I saw him afterwards, and told him how I felt. Did he assume it meant nothing?
I thought he was lying. I thought he couldn't possibly truly love that Mudblood - she just happened to be there for him; just happened to be convenient. I told him so. Why can't I ever keep my mouth shut?
She wrote to me. I just couldn't believe it - she pretended that she understood - that she knew how I felt.
Of course she doesn't; no one does. She doesn't love him like I do, and she doesn't need him like I do.
But he's gone now; gone back to her and left me here alone.
You know about being alone, don't you Blaise? Does it get easier? Does the pain fade?
...I've made a fool of myself for the sake of someone who'd prefer it if I were dead. Perhaps I should oblige?
No - I know what you'd say. "You're not that weak, Draco."
And you know what? You're right. Even if I can't be with him, he can never escape me. I don't need for him to love me - because as long as we're both alive, I can find him.
I'll come and visit you next week, Blaise, so don't worry about me.

-Draco