Turnabout (The Paradise Found Remix)

If buildings had eyes, Sirius thought, then he knew that these would be staring at him sullenly, as if asking what he was doing there. As it was, he kept getting a prickling feeling on the back of his neck, but the only things there were the windows, gazing soullessly at him, despite being closed and shuttered against the cold October air.

It figured, Sirius thought, that Remus's apartment building looked about as hospitable as Remus himself probably would be if Sirius showed up on his doorstep right then. They'd had another argument.

Sirius honestly did not mean to argue with Remus so much, especially about this particular subject. But then, what was he supposed to think, when Snape was constantly in Remus's flat for hours at a time and Remus wouldn't tell Sirius why?

"It's none of your business," Remus had said calmly, slowly but purposefully making tea.

"It's Snape!" Sirius had shouted back. "And he's a Death Eater! What the bloody fucking hell are you thinking, Remus?"

"Things that are none of your business." One sugar lump was dropped in the tea, and stirred until it dissolved. "Trust me on this?"

"Give me something to trust and maybe I will!"

Remus had stiffened, and though he kept himself turned away, Sirius could see that he was hurt. "Get out," Remus said tightly. "If you can't trust me now, then leave until you can."

Sirius left, and the door slamming shut echoed behind him.

He shouldn't be here now, and the building knew it. It stared at him, and he stared back, angrily. He still didn't trust Remus right now, not now, when he wouldn't tell Sirius anything and James and Lily and Harry were in such danger, and why couldn't Remus understand that secrets had backfired on him before? He'd been lucky that none of them had cared about his lycanthropy, but this was more serious than one man who turned into a wolf every full moon.

Still, Sirius knew Remus, and knew that Remus kept secrets because he thought it was for everyone's good. It wasn't always, but Remus had to be shown that, had to have it shoved in his face before he'd reluctantly believe it, and even though Sirius imagined the hot taste of firewhisky burning its way down his throat, fogging his mind until he could forget yet another stupid, pointless argument with Remus--

He walked into the building, the lobby's peeling, daffodil-patterned wallpaper as unwelcoming as the outside of the building, despite probably being the landlord's attempt at cheeriness. The walls were old, dingy, cracked and tired, and Sirius shivered slightly as he walked through the unheated room to the elevator. He waited, alone, until it arrived. The whole place seemed deserted as it reached the seventh floor and he walked down the long hallway, magenta carpet clashing terribly with faded yellow walls, until he reached Remus's door.

Then he knocked, and waited. Finally he heard a soft shuffling from behind the door, and then it opened a crack and Sirius unobtrusively laid a hand against it, in case Remus thought to shut him out.

Remus--or what Sirius could see of him, anyway, which wasn't much more than an eye and a few locks of his hair--regarded him warily. "I thought I told you to leave," he said softly, a smoldering volcano beneath the polite tone.

"You did," Sirius said, and left his hand just resting on the cracking paint of the door, rough against his calloused fingers. "And I did. But I came back. Please, Moony, can we talk?"

The door didn't move, and Remus's eye narrowed. "Going to accuse me of being a Death Eater and having sex with Snape again?" he asked mildly, voice at odds with his expression. "If that's the case, I don't think we have anything to talk about."

"I...no. No." Sirius removed his hand from the door and stepped back. "I was actually going to say--" what was he going to say, he hadn't thought that far ahead, what would Moony want to hear, "--sorry. I was out of line before. Look, can I come in, or are we going to have this conversation where anyone could hear?"

Remus's gaze turned considering for a moment, but then he disappeared, and the door drifted open a bit more. Sirius heard him walking away, but he hadn't shut the door in Sirius's face, that was more than he'd hoped for, so Sirius followed him inside and shut the door behind him, turning the bolt to lock it again.

"So," Remus said, sitting on the sagging green couch with a mug of tea clasped in his hands, "talk. What's so important that you could put off your usual rendezvous with alcohol to talk to me?"

Sirius winced. Too accurate. "I was out of line," he repeated. "It wasn't any of my business--like you said." Remus raised an eyebrow, and Sirius flushed slightly, then dropped bonelessly into the rickety old chair across from Remus and plowed on. "And it doesn't matter if Snape's coming in here at all hours--well, it does matter, because he's a bloody Death Eater and a git besides--but it doesn't, as you're not betraying us, and I know that, I bloody know that. I mean, if you want to sleep with him--" Sirius couldn't help but swallow hard against the idea and force himself to continue, "--then it's your business and not..." He stopped.

Remus was laughing. Laughing...it had been a long time since he'd heard Remus laugh, so maybe he could forgive Remus for laughing at him.

"Sirius," Remus said, laying his mug down on the floor, "I am not sleeping with Snape. I never was sleeping with Snape, and I never intend to sleep with Snape. It's almost as repugnant an idea as turning traitor."

"Oh," Sirius said, relieved, and then, "oh," again. Remus's lips twitched, and Sirius let himself smile, because well, at least it seemed that Remus didn't hate him anymore.

"Anyway." Remus sighed, a long expulsion of air, and looked at his hands in his lap. "You were right about one thing--I need to give you something to trust, if you're going to trust." He gave a little shrug. "So, the reason I've been meeting with Snape so often--"

"Don't," Sirius interrupted. "You don't have to tell me--I trust you without that." Remus looked at him uncertainly, and on an impulse, Sirius reached out and grabbed one of Remus's hands. "Though I still don't like all the secrets, I believe you when you say you're not betraying us. And when you say you're not sleeping with Snape."

Remus snorted, then looked down at his hand, held in Sirius's. He made no move to remove it. "You're really fixated on that, you know," he said, and Sirius could hear the slight smile in his voice, even if he couldn't see it when Remus's face was turned away.

Sirius shrugged, though he wasn't sure Remus noticed. "Well, I hoped you weren't," he said casually, even as his heart began to pound faster with every second that Remus continued holding his hand.

"Then why did you keep saying it?" Remus's fingers tightened almost imperceptibly on Sirius's.

Sirius sighed, as if the answer was obvious and Remus was missing the point. "Because I hoped you weren't," he said patiently. "But I didn't know it, and I tried to find out, and it backfired me. Just proves that your love life isn't any of my business." He tugged his hand away from Remus's and leaned back in his chair.

Remus looked up. "It used to be," he said quietly.

"Not since sixth year," Sirius replied, just as quietly. Wouldn't his heart shut up yet?

"Do you want it to be again?" Remus asked. He kept looking at Sirius, and Sirius found that he couldn't look away, even when he tried.

"...More than anything," he finally admitted, his voice cracking on the last word. "Well, I want James and Lily and Harry to live and Peter to be strong and us to win the war--" Remus made him babble like a lovestruck teenager, Sirius realized giddily, as hands grasped his and drew him up against another body.

"Shut up," Remus said. "I know what you mean."

And then his mouth was sliding over Sirius's as it hadn't in years, exploring and tasting and touching all over again, as if it was the very first time. Sirius sighed into the kiss and opened his mouth to Remus's lips, Remus's tongue, even Remus's teeth clacking against his own as they fought to find their rhythm. It was a remembering kiss, and in it they tasted themselves at seventeen, ready to take on the world and starting by taking each other.

Sirius pulled back, and let his breath shudder out of him slowly as he leaned his forehead against Remus's. "Can I stay the night?" he asked quietly.

Remus leaned back slightly, and brushed a lock of hair behind Sirius's ears. "You better," he said, and closed in again.

*

A dank, cold, musty room. Dirt and blood and grime wedged beneath his fingernails so deeply he'd have to tear them off to get it all out. Barely room enough to lay flat, until he curls up as a dog.

His cell has no window, so he can't see the light of the full moon outside, even though he knows it's there, knows it as he knows that outside Azkaban, Remus is tearing and bleeding and ripping himself apart.

And James and Lily are dead. James and Lily are dead and Wormtail Wormtail Wormtail is alive! He would have snarled his hatred and anger to the Dementors, if it wouldn't have made them flock to him and cultivate that anger and hatred and feed off it like parasites--

*

Even as he heard someone pounding on the door, Sirius shot up straight in bed, Remus sleepily protesting the sudden lack of warmth on the pillow beside him.

"Open up!" someone outside the flat shouted, voice magically amplified so they would hear her. "It's the Aurors! Open up, or on the count of ten, we will open this door ourselves!"

Almost convinced that this too was part of his dream, but not willing to risk it, Sirius practically flew out of bed, pulling on his boxer shorts when Remus sat up and asked what was going on.

"Aurors want to be let in," Sirius hissed, wrenching open the bedroom door. "Put on some clothes and I'll see what they want." Then he ran down the hallway and unbolted the door and threw it open just as the Auror spokesperson reached "nine".

A team of around ten Aurors stood in the cramped hallway outside Remus's flat. "Sirius Black?" asked the woman in the lead, eyeing Sirius's state of undress.

"That's me," Sirius said, running a hand through his hair. "Look, I can go put on some clothes--"

"Sirius Black, you are hereby arrested for assisting in the murders of James and Lily Potter," the Auror said in an emotionless tone. "If you do not surrender your wand and come quietly, we are authorized to take you by any means necessary. Do you understand?"

Sirius stood there, staring at them. James and Lily--his dream! James and Lily were dead and he was in Azkaban and Peter was alive and Remus was alone--

"What's going on here?" Remus asked, walking softly to join Sirius in the entryway. Out of the sight of the Aurors, he put a supportive hand on Sirius's back, but not even Remus's warmth could snap Sirius out of the haze of James and Lily are dead.

"Sirius Black is being arrested for assisting in the murders of James and Lily Potter," the Auror repeated stonily, staring straight ahead.

"The Death Eaters killed the Potters?" Remus asked, getting confirmation for the questions that Sirius hadn't dared to. His hand moved from Sirius's back down his arm, and their fingers twined unobtrusively together.

"You-Know-Who did, except for Harry Potter," the Auror replied, and Sirius could feel Remus's fingers tighten on his, even as his were tightening on Remus's, though they didn't ask about Harry. "But he went there on the information from the Secret Keeper, and we were informed that that was Sirius Black--"

"But it wasn't," Sirius interrupted with a frown. Even Remus turned to him in surprise, and the gazes of the Aurors in the hallway fixed on him. "We switched, at the last minute. Not even a week ago. Peter Pettigrew," Wormtail is alive, his dream whispered from his mind, "was the new Secret Keeper. I was going to be the decoy, so no one would think of going after him."

"Besides," Remus interjected, his face pinking slightly, "Sirius has been here all night. He couldn't have...betrayed the secret."

The lead Auror exchanged glances with her colleagues. "We will confirm this," she said grimly. Then to Sirius, she said, "You are not to go anywhere until we say it is permissible for you to do so. You will remain here until we return. Is that clear?"

"Yes," Sirius answered. The Auror nodded sharply, then took out her wand and muttered something too low for Sirius to hear, but which he expected was a spell following up on her directions. Then she and the other Aurors left, and a minute later, he and Remus were the only ones standing in the hall.

Remus let go of his hand and turned away, back towards the inside of the flat. "Come on," he said tiredly. "Let's...let's..."

Sirius closed the door behind him and threw the bolt again. "James and Lily," he said, brokenly, and didn't even notice the tears running down his cheeks until Remus leaned towards him and gently wiped them away with a thumb.

"Come on," Remus said again, taking Sirius's hands and leading him to the couch, then tugging him down so they were huddled together, packmates taking comfort in each other through the grief. They cried, and felt no shame in the tears, because James was dead, and he couldn't tease them anymore.

Finally, Remus leaned against Sirius's chest, spent and shaking. "I can't believe it," he whispered.

"Harry's still alive," Sirius replied, and closed his eyes as his and Remus's hands sought each other again, clasping together and holding as if intending to never let go.