Shades of Grey

Shades of Grey : Chapter 2

I’ve never been the type to dwell on my emotions. They were something that I separated myself from so as not to let them govern me; if I was feeling something other than hatred I wouldn’t notice. It was a skill perfected over years of practice; it was a skill that I, along with everyone else in the Malfoy clan, prided ourselves on. Emotions caused weakness emotions allowed people to dominate you, to gain the upper hand. My father had taught me well. I had been taught to never show or feel emotion in the presence of other people, I had been taught to radiate confidence and charisma, I had been taught how to be a Malfoy. It’s not as if I was a slave to the Malfoy name, I wasn’t, I had the freedom to choose not to follow our rules as long as I was prepared to deal with the consequences. These consequences were not violent, but basically, if I were to shame the Malfoy name in public then I could give it up.

When I was around people I could keep up my facade well enough. When I was alone it fell apart : I was left as the awkward, insecure teenage boy, I would start crying uncontrollably. Some people think that Malfoys don’t cry, but they’re wrong : Malfoys don’t cry where they can be seen. The first few years I was at Hogwarts, I managed to control my tears until I was hidden away in my bed and sure that all of my house mates were asleep. It was then that I thought about my emotions; it was as if I was opening a door in my mind and everything that I felt came streaming in at me. It would hit me, and all I was able to do was cry.

I would feel shame for not being the Malfoy my father wanted me to be, for not being at the top of my class. I would feel guilt for all of the bad things I had done in attempting to become this Malfoy. Most of all though, I felt empty, and I wasn't sure what it was that I was missing. It was funny how it worked, during the day I was dark and foreboding, my classmates either feared or hated me, or both. I was something inhuman to them because I had no emotion. In the confines of darkness I was just a normal person, a good person even. At night, I shone. I tried my hardest to make sure no one ever saw that person, because if they did, I might not have been able to put my mask back on.

As I grew older the pain became more intense. I had more issues to deal with than my relatively carefree childhood. I had to deal with the fact that my friends didn’t really know me, or like me for who I was. I had to deal with the fact that nobody would ever really know me, which was a fact that I used to pride myself on. When Voldemort came back to power I was forced to do things that my conscience couldn’t handle. I was forced to spy, torture and kill. I was too young to be given my Dark Mark, but I knew that that day was fast approaching. And worse yet, my house mates were staying up later; I had to wait longer every night to open my emotional flood gates. Before long it became too much.

I began to need to slip out every night and go to some secluded area where I would sit in quiet. I went to a different place every night, as to lower the probability that I would be seen. I would put up wards to hide me from the world. If I were seen by anybody I would be disowned and I had too much pride for that.

There was one day, when I was especially upset and I could hardly control my tears. I had just received a letter from my father, telling me that I would soon be required at a meeting. He had scolded me about how I had yet to beat Harry to the Snitch, or reach top of all of my classes. In general, he was disappointed in me. It was nothing out of the ordinary, but I just didn’t need to hear it. I was lost in my thoughts for a very long time, sitting on a balcony somewhere in the school, tears streaming down my face when a small gasp broke my train of thought : I had forgotten to put up my wards.

I turned around slowly and when I saw him, my heart jumped. He was beautiful really, something I never would have noticed during the day. He looked shocked to see me so scattered and forlorn. There was something else in his emerald eyes though, something I would never have expected to find there; there was sadness for me, he didn’t want me to cry. In that moment I realised something. I didn’t want to be crying. We stared into each others' eyes for what seemed like an eternity but probably only lasted a few seconds. Next thing I knew, his arms were around me and I felt alive in every place that he was touching me. This was what I had wanted, he was what I had been missing.

Then it happened. I kissed him, or he kissed me, I’m not really sure. I think it would be most accurate to say that we kissed each other. It was electrifying, the most perfect thing I have ever felt in my life. And, twenty years later, it still feels that way every time we kiss.