Snape In Love

Chapter 51

I Paid My Last Respects This Morning On An Early Grave

The following morning we had decided to go to the large Northern city in which my family's possessions were being stored, in order that I could collect my books and go through some other belongings I had not seen for seventeen years. We left late, having seriously underestimated the length of time it would take to prepare a small, recalcitrant infant for her first foray into the Muggle world.

Severus' expression was grim as we pushed Persephone's pushchair out of the Hogwarts main doors and across the lawn. I wanted to comfort him, but could not find the words, so I simply linked my arm in his. His face was set, and guarded, and I knew he was dreading coming face to face with the aftermath of his Death Eater activities. I, on the other hand, felt surprisingly calm, and even looked forward to uncovering old memories long forgotten. I wondered whether telling Severus of my anticipation would help to ease his conscience, but decided that it would not, and besides, I did not know how I would feel when the time came actually to open the storage unit door and confront my past.

The Portkey journey left me with the usual sickly disorientation and I clung to Severus for a moment, grateful for his strength. After we had pacified an outraged Persephone, who obviously shared my dislike of Portkey travel, we looked around at our immediate surroundings. I had forgotten how depressingly ugly the outskirts of some Muggle cities could be. Used in recent months to the grandeur of Hogwarts and the bucolic charm and elegance of Beauxbatons, the deserted playing field before us, surrounded by distant squares of concrete tower blocks, seemed to me more uninviting than anywhere I had ever been, even when I remembered the stark extremity of Durmstrang.

"Do you think Voldemort got here before us?" asked Severus disparagingly as we surveyed the Styrofoam cartons and tattered carrier bags, the shards of glass from green bottles and the broken chain-link fencing. The playing field was bordered by this fence on three sides, the fourth being home to a windowless breezeblock substation, half heartedly covered in graffiti.

"Well, at least there's no-one around," I said brightly. "You can remove the cloaking charm now."

"Hmm." Severus muttered a few words and we began to walk in the direction of the storage facility, which I understood to be about a mile away down a busy thoroughfare. I knew he was feeling agitated and so I linked arms once more as we walked, feeling the tension in his every step.

"I can't believe you lived in this world for so long, through choice!" he muttered darkly.

"It isn't all like this, and you know that!! I retorted good-naturedly, thankful to have been given the opening for a conversation that might help take his mind off things. "I've lived in some beautiful places! Florence, for one..."

I chattered away as we walked, and Severus gradually became more relaxed, until we rounded a corner and came upon the storage facility. He froze, and the lurch I felt in my stomach was in sympathy for him, not as a manifestation of my own trepidation. It was strange to think that I was the stronger, under the circumstances. I was so accustomed to his power and his strength enfolding me under a warm blanket of protectiveness that I wondered how I could possibly show him that he could lean on me, too. I decided that the best I could do was take the lead, and I squeezed his arm and set off confidently towards the metal gates of the property before us.

I had taken with me all of the evidence of identity that I had, but processing all the documentation took a good deal longer than I had anticipated, due mostly, I think, to the unusual length of time that had elapsed since the unit had first been rented. I was anxiously aware of Severus' mood as he stood behind me and glowered impatiently at the hapless clerk. I knew him so well that I could sense the undercurrent of dread that he was attempting to conceal under the torrent of abuse I feared would burst from his mouth if we were kept waiting for too much longer. At last, I was given the key, along with a poorly photocopied plan of the facility on which the clerk had marked, in blotchy red ink, the exact location of my unit.

Once outside the office, Severus turned to me and put his hands on my shoulders, searching my face.

"Ella, I - " he closed his eyes, frowning, then looked into my eyes once more. "Will you be alright?"

I ran my fingers lightly along his jawline and cheek as I answered,

"We both will. Really. Come on."

The facility was huge, with corridor after corridor and row after row of garage-sized units. At length, we found the one we sought and I took a deep breath as I fitted the key into the padlock and, with some difficulty, turned it. Sliding back the metal bar with a clank that echoed off the metal containers surrounding us, I looked up at Severus questioningly. He nodded back grimly and took my hand as I opened the door on my past.

Light from the corridor outside illuminated a central wedge of the room, showing a wide space made by whoever had packed away my family's belongings stacking them on either side of the room, thus allowing a walkway along its full length, and easier access now. I was grateful, since it would make our task much easier, and after casting my eyes around briefly, I pressed a switch by the door in order to light the room by way of the single bare bulb that hung down from the centre of the ceiling. Stepping inside curiously, I turned to see Severus standing uncertainly on the threshold, gripping the handle of Persephone's pushchair so tightly that I could see the whitening of his knuckles.

"Severus? Are you coming in?" I asked.

"Are you sure you want me to?" he replied hoarsely. "I feel it would be...an intrusion."

"You still feel so guilty, don't you?" I said softly, approaching him once more.

"How can I not? I'll feel guilty for the rest of my life!"

"Then make amends! Come in, and share this with me! Please?"

I spoke as gently as I could, slipping my arm around his waist and burying my nose in the wide lapels of his long black overcoat. His arms closed around me reflexively and I felt his mouth pressing against the top of my head. I ran my hands slowly up and down his back, feeling the tension in his muscles begin gradually to ebb away. After a while, he released me and together we pushed Persephone into the room.

Dustsheets covered everything, and Severus helped me pull them off carefully. When we had finished I turned around slowly full circle, and my childhood and adolescence replayed before my eyes. Here was the couch where I used to spend my evenings curled up next to my mother, watching the television or colouring. Here was the portrait from the living room wall, whose eyes followed me around the room, scaring me a little until I was four or five and realised that it was just the skill of the artist, and that magical paintings could in fact do far more than this one. Here was my mother's favourite tea service, fine bone china covered with flowers, and here was the saucer with the small chip out of the rim, which I had broken one hot summer's day by dropping it in the garden during an impromptu picnic.

And then I found the large cardboard box full of family photographs. My parents on their wedding day. me with my very first set of dress robes, and Phoebe on her second birthday, smiling for the camera and giggling, in a fuchsia coloured dress with strings of beads around her neck. I took out the photographs and sat down heavily on the old, familiar sofa as memories overwhelmed me, making my body heave with sobs, my sense of loss suddenly as keen as if days, and not nearly half my lifetime, had passed since they died. Severus was at my side in an instant, taking my hand in his while his other arm held me to him.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" he whispered into my hair, over and over, and I sank against him and let my tears soak his shirt.

"I want to see more!" I whispered eventually, and I looked up into his face, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand.

"Are you sure?" he asked worriedly.

"Yes. I need to." I pulled the box closer to us, and began to pick out framed photographs one at a time, explaining to Severus what they were, when they were taken, and what memories they evoked. Severus was quiet and attentive, caressing my shoulder with his hand, his arm around me keeping me close to him. When all the photographs had been seen and stacked neatly at our feet, I began to take out the photograph albums, memories of childhood holidays and birthdays flooding back to me as I reminisced. When the box was empty and I had cried all that I could, I leaned back on the sofa, in my childhood's habitual place, and pulled Severus to me. He held me for a long time, intently, and I discovered that I could, in fact, cry more.

At last I was still, and he leaned forward to pick up a photo of me with my parents and Phoebe, taken a month or so before they died. We were all smiling and waving happily, and Phoebe was pressing her pudgy hand to my cheek, her blonde curls shining in the sunlight. My parents, around mine and Severus' ages when they died, smiled out at us, and as for my own, younger self...I looked carefree, and innocent, and young, unknowing of what was to come. He passed me the photograph and together we stared at it for a long while, my past, present and future seemingly enfolding me now, and I was changed somehow, and I knew that I had undergone a catharsis in confronting my past and my grief. I looked up at Severus once more, my eyes shining with love for him, and he raised his own, dark and troubled, to meet mine.

"Thank you," I said simply. "Thank you for coming here with me today. For helping me."

His mouth twisted bitterly as he replied,

"Under the circumstances it was the least I could do!"

"Oh, Severus, don't be like that! Don't you see how you've helped me come to terms with it?"

"How can you say that, when I'm the cause?"

"Love, no! We've been through all this, I forgave you for your part in this a long time ago!"

"But I didn't forgive myself, Ella! I - I can't!"

"Then let us..."

The voice was little more than a whisper but it insinuated itself around my senses and I knew Severus had heard it too, since we both started slightly in surprise.

"Dad?" I croaked, not daring to believe the evidence of my own ears after so many years.

A grey swirling mist shimmered before us and gradually took on the familiar form of my father. He was soon joined by my sister and my mother and my hand flew to my mouth to stifle my sobs.

"Hush, Ella, it's alright!" soothed my mother, her warm, rich tones only serving to widen my eyes still further as I tried to catch my breath. Severus' hand was gripping my shoulder so hard that it hurt, but I needed the pain to anchor me to him, to know that he was with me, and that I was not in a waking dream. Phoebe called to me,

"Eya! Eya!" and I was lost, all at sea, crying uncontrollably, reaching out to them even though they were as insubstantial as a memory.

"Are you here? Have you been here all the time?" Severus asked for me, his voice halting and awkward.

"No," replied my mother, turning a warm, radiant smile on to him. "We have been in another place, but we always knew our daughter would need to say goodbye to us one day. And today, we heard her call."

"Oh, Mum!"

"Shh, shh. Don't grieve for us any more. You have a future. You have a beautiful daughter, and you have a man who loves you more than life itself. You are blessed, my darling."

"But I - I was responsible for your deaths!" Severus interjected incredulously.

" - And have spent all the years since trying to atone, and never more than now," rejoined my father solemnly. "We have come to know things written in the moon and the stars. We are cognisant of the turning of the world and the unfolding of the seasons. And we know that this is meant to be."

"You will look after our daughter, Severus Snape," my mother continued. "We know this to be true, and we love you for it."

Severus shook his head slowly in disbelief.

"How can this be?"

"Accept what is, Severus. Embrace it, for it is your salvation and your future."

"Mum - Dad - " I faltered, "I've missed you so much!"

"We know, sweetheart, and we've wept for your sorrow. But we rejoice in your joy. It's your time to be happy, now - "

"Oh, I am!"

" - With only fond memories of the past."

"Bye bye Eya!" waved Phoebe, and I reached out once more as her translucency lengthened and thinned until she disappeared.

"No, don't go! Not yet!" I cried, but it was too late. My father's shade followed her, and my mother's floated to first Severus, then me, planting a cold, yet warm tingling kiss on each on each of our foreheads, and then on Persephone's, before she too disappeared with a whispered,

"Be happy, my darling..."

Once I was sure that no trace of the ghosts of my beloved family remained, I turned to Severus and clung to him, tangling my fingers in his hair as he clutched at my back, our breathing ragged and shuddering. My mother's embrace, however, had been a tangible thing, miraculously cool and tender on my brow, calming and loving. We relaxed into one another and lay back on the sofa. All that needed to be said was said by our hands and arms as they clasped and stroked our backs and our hair. And soon, we were both at peace.

A long while later, I smiled up at Severus and he broke our silence, questioning,

"Do you think they liked me?"

I laughed then, and he joined in, laughter of joyous relief, healing, cleansing laughter, the kind of laughter born of miracles. We woke Persephone, and Severus hugged me fiercely before getting up to go to her.

I began to pick up the photograph albums, deciding to take them all back to Hogwarts, and then as I put the first ones back in to the box, I noticed a small red velveteen snap-lidded box at the very bottom of the carton. I knew at once what it was, and I knew it had not been there before. Slowly I reached in and picked it up, holding it carefully in my hands, hardly breathing. Severus came to sit beside me once more, with Persephone against his shoulder, and he asked curiously,

"What have you found?"

My heart was too full to speak, so I handed it to him wordlessly. He opened the lid and, as we both saw what lay inside, he murmured,

"Oh, Ella, these are beautiful. Are they...were they...?"

"Their wedding rings." I said huskily. "They want us to wear them!"

"Why - er - why weren't they buried with them?" Severus asked awkwardly.

"My parents weren't buried," I explained. "The Muggle authorities didn't know what had - killed them. They were afraid of contamination so they insisted on cremation."

Severus looked sick.

"Why couldn't they have a proper wizarding burial, in our world?"

"Because they were living in the Muggle world, and I wasn't there!" I retorted bitterly. "By the time I found out, it was too late, they were already in 'the system'."

"You had so much to deal with, and you were so young!" he said, shaking his head.

"And I dealt with it by running away!" I reminded him, watching his face carefully and trying to prevent him from sinking once more into guilt and despair. "You, at least, had the courage to face up to what you did. Can we use their rings?"

Severus' eyes burned with love as he said,

"I'd be honoured to, Ella. I'll take the others back."

"What others?"

"Our wedding is in four days, Ella. Did you really think I wouldn't have bought the rings yet?"

"Oh! So when did you buy them?" I asked, happily sidetracked.

His lips curled into a small, sheepish smile and he replied,

"A very long time ago. When I bought the emeralds."

"Oh, Severus! Really? Oh, you can't take them back, I won't let you!"

"We can't wear both sets, Ella! Be practical!"

"Meld them. Join them. Use alchemy, Severus, I know you can do it."

"You really want me to spoil your parents' rings like that?" he asked, puzzled.

"I don't see it as spoiling them, Severus! It's - well, marrying them! Yours and mine!"

"If you really want me to..."

"I do!" I smiled, heartened to see his face soften as he leaned over to kiss me tenderly. "Now, hand her over, I need to feed her before we do anything else."

A short time later I was able to lay a contented Persephone back in her pushchair, and Severus and I levitated several boxes until we found a large carton full of books. After I had confirmed that this was, indeed, the box I wanted, Severus performed a complicated Lessening charm on it, shrinking it both in size and weight until it was small enough to fit underneath the pushchair, in the mesh basket there. After doing the same to the box of photographs, I took a last look around and confirmed that I was ready to go back home.

"Are you sure there's nothing else here that you want? Some of Phoebe's toys, perhaps? For her niece?" Severus enquired.

"Wouldn't you mind?"

"I'd like her to have some part of - what I took from her," he said awkwardly, turning from me to rummage in some brightly coloured plastic storage boxes that I remembered from Phoebe's bedroom "How about all of these?"

"Yes, okay," I agreed. "But not her clothes. She isn't a replacement for Phoebe, she's her own person. Your daughter," I continued, putting my arms around his waist from behind and pressing my cheek against his back. He straightened and turned round to embrace me, and together we Lessened the coloured boxes and loaded them on to the pushchair.

We locked the unit as we left, returned the key to the office, and emerged blinking into bright sunlight. Severus seemed relieved that we were on our way home, and began to make plans as to how best to combine our two sets of wedding rings. Since my parents' rings were plain gold bands, each with a bezel set diamond, and those Severus had bought were, he confided, of white gold inlaid with many emeralds, we agreed to blend the two by coiling the yellow and the white around each other. Each ring would retain its own identity, but be entwined for all eternity with its partner. The symbolism was not lost on us, and by the time we reached the run-down playing field, and our return Portkey site, we were quietly exultant at our good fortune and I could tell that Severus was eager to begin preparations for the alchemical procedure.

Persephone made what was becoming an habitual complaint about the unsatisfactoriness of Portkey travel, and was still in full voice as we descended into the dungeons, her wails echoing off the cavernous arched ceilings and causing some of the paintings to offer words of comfort which we all three endeavoured to ignore.

"Ella, the Fates know I adore you, but why, in their names, does our daughter have to take after you quite so determinedly?" muttered Severus in exasperation as we hurried along the corridor to our rooms. Persephone was still howling loudly into his left ear even as he held her close, and he cupped her tiny head in his hand as he strode along, trying to calm her in order to preserve what remained of his hearing.

"Sorry, what was that? I didn't quite hear you!" I grinned mischievously, and his eyebrow lifted tetchily at my teasing.

We stopped at our door and Severus fished around in his pocket for his wand, muttering the first set of ward-unlocking charms as he did so. As the door swung open in front of us and we entered gratefully, a mocking voice echoed down the corridor,

"All the students have gone home, so you're reduced to reducing babies to tears, eh Sev?"

Severus stopped in his tracks and handed Persephone to me peremptorily, before turning round and stalking back into the corridor.

"Try again, Caius, that little jest was far from up to your usual standard!" he retorted icily in a dangerous tone that made me wince with pity for his younger brother. Caius, fortunately, appeared to have sufficient experience of Severus' tongue to know when not to push his luck, and I sensed a note of apology in his tone as he continued,

"Yeah, well, I just wanted to pay a quick visit, now you're back...is it a good time?"

Severus snorted and came back into the room, his face black with irritation, and so I took it upon myself to call out,

"Of course, Caius, come in! You'll have to excuse me for a while, while I take her into the nursery, but I'm sure Severus will make you welcome...won't you, love?" I added through gritted teeth as my fiancé glowered at me.

Caius came in, somewhat hesitantly, both to his credit and to his brother's satisfaction, and I crossed over to Severus and caressed his cheek as I reminded him gently,

"Don't forget what I told you last night. About whom he came here to see?"

His frown lines deepened, but his eyes softened and he murmured,

"Don't leave me alone with him for too long. I don't like small talk, and your daughter has left me temporarily deaf, which will make conversation even more difficult!"

"Mmm, I can see how that would be problematic!" I smiled, and he bent to kiss me gently.

As I closed the nursery door behind me I heard him say gruffly,

"Please, sit down. No,over there. Er...would you like something to drink? Butterbeer, perhaps? I seem to remember you like it..."

"Twenty five years ago, I did!" Caius laughed in amusement. "Got any firewhisky?"

"Of course..."

I smiled fondly and began to attend Persephone, feeding and changing her, aware of the rumble of Severus' unmistakeable baritone and Caius' occasional guffaw, but unable to discern the direction of their conversation. At least there was some conversation, I mused, picking Persephone up so that she could get to know her uncle while she was still awake.

Severus appeared relieved to see us re-enter. He was standing stiffly by the fireplace, with one hand on the mantelpiece in a proprietarily dominant stance. Caius had relaxed into one end of a sofa; his long denim-clad legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankle. He sat up eagerly as I approached with Persephone, setting down a glass now empty of firewhisky and holding out his hands for her.

"Here," I smiled, placing her in his arms. "Meet your niece!"

"And don't breathe fumes all over her!" Severus muttered darkly, removing Caius' empty glass and pointedly not refilling it.

I sat opposite them, and Severus began to busy himself at the other end of the room, removing the boxes and cartons from underneath Persephone's pushchair, He had obviously decided that he had made sufficient effort for one day, and had passed the task of attending to the usual social niceties over to me. Fortunately, entertaining guests came far more easily to me than it did to him, and Caius was very easy to talk to, particularly when the conversation revolved around my daughter and her likeness to her paternal ancestors.

As we talked, Severus brought two of the boxes over to me, and set them on the floor at my feet before performing the charm to restore them to their original dimensions and taking the remaining boxes through to the nursery. Persephone had fallen asleep, and so he took her from his brother with, I thought, an unnecessary alacrity, and carried her through to her cot before returning to take his place at my side.

"So, what's in the boxes?" Caius asked with interest.

"Old photographs," I replied, taking a few out and passing them across to him. He looked at them closely, announcing that in his opinion I bore a strong resemblance to my mother.

"Any chance of another drink, Sev?" he went on hopefully.

"And that would be your third? I think you've had enough, haven't you?" Severus replied, his arms folded, evidently unwilling to oblige.

"Oh, come on, Sev, I'm not a kid any more, I'm not about to throw up all over you again!"

"They were my best dress robes, Caius! Ruined!"

My eyes widened in amused disapproval but I dared not ask for edification. Severus was beginning to simmer, and I did not want to worsen his humour. Unfortunately for Caius, a careless gesticulation while holding my parents' wedding photograph brought Severus to boiling point. The old, well-used frame slipped from his fingers as he flung up his arms in an expression of rueful apology over the despoiling of his brother's robes all those years ago, and it fell to pieces as it landed on the stone flags at the side of the sofa.

"You - you drunken oaf! I told you you'd had enough!" snarled Severus, leaping to his feet and sweeping round to where the ruined frame lay.

"Oh, damn it, Ella, I'm really sorry!" Caius apologised, leaning over to try to help his brother as he gathered up the photograph and the several pieces of paper that had fallen from the frame.

"Leave it, you've done enough!"

"Don't, Severus, it's alright, really! It's only an old frame, and I can mend it anyway!"

Severus flicked eyes black as thunder between his brother and me.

"That is hardly the point, Ella." He rose to his feet and pointed a long accusatory finger. "This boy will never change, and as such - "

"As such, is still your only brother, love!" I said firmly, rising to my feet and taking the papers and photograph from him, touching his arm and gazing at him beseechingly. "Let go of the past!" I murmured in an undertone. He glared at me, then at Caius, then swept past me without a word and sat down on the sofa once more, folding his arms. Taking that as a tacit acceptance of my words, and more than relieved that he had not chosen to stalk off into his office, I smiled at Caius, who began to apologise profusely for his carelessness. I silenced him, and curled up on the sofa once more, beside an unyielding Severus, leafing through the papers that had been concealed behind the photograph. There was a newspaper clipping, old and yellowed with time, announcing the wedding, there were two sheets of thick blank paper, used, I assumed, to hold the photograph firmly in place and prevent it from slipping in the frame, and finally a sheet of thick parchment, folded twice. I opened it out, and saw my mother's familiar hand, large, rounded, regularly spaced letters forming lines of poetry, a wide margin on either side but otherwise filling the page.

"Look at this!" I breathed, showing it to Severus. "Look, it says 'Wedding breakfast', with a question mark! Do you suppose they recited this at their wedding?"

Severus plucked the parchment from my hands and glanced at it cursorily before passing it back with a sulky,

"It would appear that they were at least considering doing so. Is that the done thing, at Muggle weddings?"

"More and more..." I confirmed, scanning the lines and trying not to be too hurt at his offhand manner.

"What is it, poetry?" asked Caius, looking nervously at his elder brother as he addressed me.

"Yes...the sentiments are lovely!" I replied. "Aren't they, Severus?"

"They're certainly sentimental," he agreed disparagingly as he rose to his feet. "Caius, Ella and I need to ready ourselves for dinner. We've had a long and difficult day. Do you mind?"

With a wave of his arm and an arched brow, he indicated that Caius' visit was at an end. After he had gone, Severus wasted no time in withdrawing his wand to repair the damaged frame, replacing the photograph and the papers.

"No, not this." I shook my head as he held out his hand for the poem. With a dismissive shrug he secured the back to the frame and then placed it on the mantelpiece, then sauntered over to the sofa, picking up the parchment from the table and walking with it over to the window, where he stood for a moment reading it. His only noticeable reaction was a non-committal

"Hmph," and he returned it to me with no further comment.

"Why are you sulking?" I challenged. He turned to look down at me in surprise.

"I'm not sulking!"

"You are, Severus. He really rubs you up the wrong way, doesn't he?"

Severus sat down heavily on the table facing me, and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he rubbed his face with his hands tiredly, complaining,

"You have no idea of the efforts I made to keep him from harm. And he never learned from his mistakes." He held my gaze, helplessly. "I've learned from mine."

"Yes, you have," I said gently, taking his hands. "So don't make another one now! He is your family, Severus. You're lucky he's still around. You must see that, especially after today."

He sighed, and reached out to run his fingertips along my cheek.

"As usual, your quiet strength amazes me," he said ruefully. "And now I want to make preparations for tomorrow, before dinner. Kiss me..."

I slipped my arms around his neck and closed my eyes as his warm, soft lips found mine. We kissed, for too short a time although minutes passed, and then he sighed and withdrew, murmuring,

"You're still an immense distraction..." as he stood reluctantly and left through the door to our bedroom, heading for his office. I was glad that Severus was eager to begin the alchemical procedure that would meld our rings, and I had an added reason for sharing his enthusiasm. It would give me an opportunity to make my own preparations for our wedding day by once more going over the complicated instructions and incantations from Gruber's almanac and ensuring that all my plans were in place.

I curled up on the sofa and took up the parchment once more, re-reading the lines and imagining them being spoken in my parents' voices on their wedding day. And then, imagining Severus and I saying the same words in front of all of our friends, on ours. Remembering his less than enthusiastic reaction to my discovery, however, I decided not even to try and press him into any more public declarations of love than he had already committed to by marrying me. Instead, with some small measure of regret, I put the poem to one side and sank into a delightful reverie, our wedding day and the completion of my happiness only three days away.