Snape In Love

Chapter 44

You Don´t Know How Many Times I´ve Wished That I Could Hold You

As soon as they had gone I had let out a cry of anguish and surrendered to the misery I felt sure would overwhelm me. I wished for numbness, but instead felt too keenly the aching absence of him, an overpowering, fist clenching hollowness inside me that folded me in on myself while setting my jangling nerves on edge. Hermione hugged me, sobbing, and Harry awkwardly put his arms round us both. Professor Dumbledore said in a kindly voice,

"I find hot chocolate and crumpets to be a comfort at times like these. Follow me to the kitchens."

I sat down at the end of one of the long tables, next to Hermione. The mundane surroundings and the expectation of conformity implicit in the Headmaster´s mien impelled me to bite back an agonised scream, so I sat in silence nursing my thoughts. The house elves busied themselves around us and soon we were presented with mugs of frothy hot chocolate and a large plate piled high with hot buttered crumpets. The Headmaster helped himself, and when nobody followed suit simply said mildly,

"Anyone would think I had sent them to certain death!"

"How can you be so sure you haven't?" asked Harry sullenly.

If Dumbledore was shocked by the insolence in Harry's tone he didn't show it.

"Ah, Harry, I do not pretend to be a seer, Divination is Professor Trelawney´s field," - Hermione snorted at this- "but of one thing I can be certain, and that is that the world is turning as it always does, and events will take their course accordingly."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked the Headmaster, challenging him with my gaze. He simply smiled and said,

"It means, my dear, that I must insist that you and Severus be married by the time school reopens in September. It is time I paid more heed to the moral example being set to my students. The governors are still recovering from the revelation of your pregnancy, and we are fortunate indeed, in one respect, that Mr Malfoy has left the governing body in some considerable disarray!"

"Yes, I realise that. I'm sorry, Headmaster." I mumbled.

"Well then, well then." He stood up, producing a purple handkerchief and wiping melted butter from his beard. "Start making your plans, Ella. All of them. The summer will have passed before you know it, and there is much to be done! I am always at your disposal," he finished meaningfully before walking slowly over to the fireplace, and disappearing in a puff of green smoke.

"Dumbledore's right," said Harry decisively after the three of us had sat in silence for a while.

"About what?" I asked morosely.

"Your wedding. You need to decide what you want to do. Professor Snape would want you to, wouldn't he?"

"Yes, he does...but not now. Not today," I whispered, hiding my face in my hands. Hermione snuffled into a handkerchief and I put my arm around her shoulders, trying to comfort her, remembering that I was not the only one to be worried. "But - maybe tomorrow. Hey, Hermione, you will be my bridesmaid, won't you?"

She lifted her tearstained face to mine and smiled weakly.

"Thanks, Ella. I'd love to."

Now I would have to pull myself together for her sake, I thought, as Harry smiled at me ruefully in silent understanding.

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"Where did your mum and dad get married?" Hermione asked me the following afternoon as we sat on the front lawn. Harry had just left for The Burrow, to spend some time with Ron and Ginny.

"Not sure, I wasn't around at the time!" I said dryly.

"Well, was it wizard or Muggle?"

"Oh, Muggle. In a church, near to where they lived back then."

"So, do you want to do the same?

"No! I mean, the frothy dress would be nice, sort of, and the cars, and the fuss...but it wouldn't be me! Severus has never lived in the Muggle world, and I can't imagine him enjoying any of it, can you?"

Hermione laughed.

"No, especially not the cars! So, a wizard wedding? For his sake?"

"If I knew what one was! Yes, a wizard wedding. For my sake too, though. I just - I just want something simple, and private, and special - somewhere quiet, and familiar...I want to feel comfortable. Oh, and I definitely want to take his breath away when he sees me!"

"So, a frothy dress, then?"

"Hah! No, not frothy. Frothy isn't me at all! I might see what Madam Malkin can come up with."

"Right then, that's the dress covered - we can make an appointment for later this week." Hermione was now in briskly efficient mode, and I smiled wryly to myself as she continued, "Now, when?"

"Well, some time soon, definitely before September."

"So, that just leaves...who to invite, and where? Oh, and who'll officiate?"

"I need to see Professor Dumbledore. He'll know whom to ask. And I want us to get married here...at Hogwarts!" I decided, looking up at the castle fondly.

"Brilliant! Where?"

"Er..."

"You aren't very good at this, are you?"

I laughed sheepishly.

"You have to think of somewhere important to you both."

"Here! Hogwarts!"

"More specific?"

"Our bed..." I mumbled in an undertone.

"Ella!"

"Oh, I don't know! Come on, help me up, let's go for a walk and see if inspiration strikes me!"

We walked around the perimeter of the castle until we reached the lake, and Godric's Seat. I sat down on it heavily and Hermione joined me.

"How about here?" she suggested eagerly.

"Yeah, right, a Gryffindor would say that!"

"Mmm. Well, maybe not, then."

We sat in companionable silence for a while, enjoying the view.

"Godric Gryffindor had the right idea, though, didn't he?" mused Hermione.

"Hmm? What do you mean?"

"This view. It's lovely here. The lake, the mountains..."

"I bet you'd get a brilliant view of the school and the grounds from over there," I said, nodding across to the foothills rising up into the mountains on the other side of the lake.

"Yes, you would!" breathed Hermione, turning to me wide-eyed.

"Oh, yes, he'd love it, wouldn't he?" I smiled, and we laughed together. For the first time since Severus had left, I felt a lightness in my heart and I knew I had made the right choice.

We spoke to the Headmaster about it at dinner that night. Since so few of us were there, similar seating arrangements to those of the Christmas holidays had been made, and the atmosphere was both informal and intimate, no mean feat in a room the size of the Great Hall. The Headmaster was intrigued by my choice of location, and became most interested in how we were going to accomplish it.

"Might I make a suggestion, since I doubt very much that you will want to fly across the lake on a broomstick in all your undoubted finery?"

"Oh, please do! I was hoping you could come up with something!"

"Well, most of the wedding party can fly there. But for you, and your maid of honour, I suggest an altogether more sedate mode of transport. I suggest you cross the lake by boat, and hold the ceremony at the lakeside."

I beamed at him, saying

"Thank you, Headmaster! That sounds wonderful!"

"Albus, Ella. Do call me Albus!"

Hermione looked very relieved to find out that she would not have to fly across the lake, but then asked something that had not crossed my mind.

"Er...about the lake?" she squeaked. "Will you have a word with the merpeople beforehand, and, er, ask them to keep an eye on the giant squid?"

"Ah, yes, and I will, of course, make sure that my strongest enchantments are in place!" he twinkled.

The Headmaster had an old friend who was very well respected in the wizarding world, a member of the Order of Merlin called Antrobus Firkin, whom, he said, would be delighted to officiate at our wedding, and he would be free the first weekend in August, and so it was set.

I decided to leave the guest list in Hermione´s capable hands. There was no-one from my past whom I particularly wanted to attend, apart from my old friend Roan, the sculptor, and since he was in any case too infirm to travel, the problem of his being a Muggle, and therefore unaware of the world to which I had returned, was irrelevant.

Severus, I knew, had a younger brother with whom he had fallen out of touch, so Hermione decided to consult Albus Dumbledore as to the possibility of inviting him. Otherwise, all the guests would be known to us through the school, or Beauxbatons, and I was glad of that, and knew Severus would be too.

The days dragged, and in spite of the plans I was busy making, I was miserable without Severus. There was an empty space encompassing all of my heart, and only he could fill it and relieve the gnawing ache it caused me. Since I could no longer manage to climb the long, steep spiral staircase that led to the top of the Astronomy Tower, I had to find a more suitable location in which to do my moping. I chose the Silent Quadrangle, which was very peaceful and something of a suntrap in the afternoons. I would sit on the bench in the middle, next to the Mute Swan Fountain from which water cascaded noiselessly, and would stare at the Whispering Cloisters that surrounded the quadrangle, remembering the many occasions on which Severus and I had walked through them, blissfully, and unaware that we would soon be separated once more.

I fell asleep there one afternoon, and when Hermione came looking for me she found me snoring softly with my head thrown back. She woke me to inform me that with my colouring I really ought to consider using a sunscreen, pointing out that my nose was now a most distinctive shade of crimson. Mortified, I let her accompany me to the dungeons, where we hurriedly made good use of a small amount of the healing balm on my sunburnt nose before settling down at the round desk in Severus' office to work on our interpretation of the text in the almanac.

"I agree with your translation, Ella, but it's all so cryptic! What do you suppose it actually means?"

"Well, the two Ones are us, Severus and me. They must be. The healer and the healed. I'm the One who knows, so he must be the One whose trust is abused. I think that means I need to keep it secret from him. Till I'm actually doing it. He mustn't know, or else I´m afraid he might go all protective of me and try and stop me."

"But when you start, he'll know you're up to something!"

"I know, so I'll have to restrain him. I think I´ll tie him to the bed," I mused.

Hermione's eyes widened and she gaped at me.

"Oh, it'll be fine!" I reassured her. "He'll think it's a game."

"Oh, right!" she said, blushing furiously at the thought of her erstwhile potions master indulging in such pastimes.

"Yes, well..." I muttered, keen to change the subject. "The 'passion's thrall' bit - "

" - Is pretty self-explanatory, yes!" she interrupted hurriedly. "Basically, you need to tie him up and have your evil way with him, then catch him in an, erm, unguarded moment?"

"Exactly! And the mother´s milk, well, I´ll be feeding the baby myself, of course, so I hope he´ll be willing to...well, actually, I´m pretty sure he will, he´s definitely got a thing about my, er..."

"What about the screaming part?" Hermione interrupted determinedly.

"The poultice hurts. It stings. I know that, we've both used it now. My nose is still tingling! And the power of one plus one, not capitalised, can't mean him and me again, so I'm not sure about that part..." I frowned, perplexed.

"Your two wands!" she replied emphatically. "You need to say the incantations using both wands! You´ll need to get it off him, discreetly...does he ever leave it lying around?"

"Oh yes...on the bedside cabinet, usually. And anyway, he'll be tied up, he won't be able to stop me. If I'm quick enough."

Hermione groaned and covered her face with her hands.

"Oh, no!"

"What?"

"I´ve just realised! You can't use his own wand against him! It won't work!"

"No, it'll work, I'm sure it will! I won't be using it to do him harm, I don't have any ill will!"

"But how do you know it'll work?"

"I've used his wand before."

"On him? What spell?"

"Divestio," I grinned, "And it worked perfectly then!"

"Oh, thanks for that mental image, Ella!" she retorted, rolling her eyes. "Still, it's a good sign. And as long as he isn't trying to counter the spell..."

"Hmm. It would be just like him to try...I´ll just have to hope he doesn´t. Anyway, that brings us to...the bit about One being bound to One. Hermione, I've been reading the marriage service, it talks about being bound to one another! We need to be married! It all fits! Once we're married, and the baby's born, I can heal him!"

"As long as Gruber's procedure is right, and we've interpreted it properly! You really need to go and see the Headmaster."

"I suppose..." I sighed. "But I really don't want to...well, go into detail! The thought of it makes me cringe with embarrassment. Although he can probably read me like a book anyway."

"Hmm, he does that, doesn't he?" she agreed. "But you must. You need Fawkes! 'A tear and a feather', look, here's the reference. You add the tear to the balm in advance, and steep a feather in it until you´re ready to apply it to his arm. "

"Fawkes helped him once before," I remembered, thinking back to the time when Severus had nearly died. It seemed so long ago now, but the recollection still sent a chill through me. "Hermione, what if Dumbledore tries to talk me out of it?"

"Why would he do that? He seems very fond of Professor Snape," Hermione reassured me.

"I don't know. You know, when I think back, he's always been so cryptic - like he knows something about me and Severus that we don't even know ourselves!"

Hermione looked perplexed, and simply replied,

"Well, then...maybe he does!! Er...does that make you feel any better about his confidence that Remus and Sirius and Professor Snape will be okay?"

I ran my hand over my eyes with a heavy sigh.

"I suppose it should. But no, it doesn't, not really! I won't dare feel better until they're home!" I answered ruefully.

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I decided to go and see the Headmaster the following afternoon. The password allowing access to the huge stone phoenix and the vertiginously spiralling staircase had been changed to 'Saltwater Taffy', and I mused on what that exotic confection could possibly taste like as I made my ascent.

Professor Dumbledore was standing near to one of the windows as I entered his office, making adjustments to the sight of a large, highly polished brass telescope.

"Ah, Ella, here you are! I have been expecting you!"

"Really? Have you? Oh. I, er, should have asked beforehand, now might not be convenient for you, I'm sorry..." I stammered, becoming more and more nervous and backing out of the room.

"Not at all, dear girl! As I have said, I was expecting you!" he twinkled, offering me a chair by the fire. "Do sit down! And would you like something to drink? Pumpkin juice, perhaps?"

"Yes, thank you Headmaster," I replied, sitting down gratefully and trying to steady my nerve. With a wave of his fingers a small table appeared between our two armchairs, on which stood two tall frosted glasses of pumpkin juice and a plate of chocolate éclairs. I tried to stop my hand from trembling as I picked up my glass and took a long draught from it. Professor Dumbledore leaned forward in his chair and peered at me over the top of his half-moon spectacles.

"How is Severus?" he asked mildly, nodding to the emerald at my breast. My hand reached up to clutch it instinctively and I rubbed my thumb over its smooth warm surfaces as I answered,

"Somewhere desolate, and barren, but he looks okay. They all do."

"Very good. But, ah, I do believe you came to see me today on a different, although, ah, related matter? You wanted to ask me about Fawkes?"

He smiled at me, and looked over to the slumbering red-feathered bird on its gilded stand beside his desk. Fawkes gave a sleepy squawk and his beak opened in what I assumed was the avian equivalent of a yawn, before opening one golden eye and looking across at us curiously, cocking his head to one side.

"Yes, it is about Fawkes. How did you know?" The Headmaster simply smiled enigmatically. Emboldened by the warmth of the stone in my hand and the knowledge of what I had planned for the one whose face I pored over in it countless times each day, I continued, "You told me you weren't a seer. How is it that you know so much?"

"About you?"

"Yes! Me, Severus, our relationship - and the book!"

"It is time I explained what I know about you, Ella. What I have known almost these last two years."

My eyes widened in surprise and I sat back in my chair as he settled down in his, tenting his fingers.

"I am not a seer, Ella. I have never misled you in that regard. Nor in any other," he added, seeing the incomprehension in my expression. "No, I have never been dishonest. But, I have allowed certain omissions in my relations with you, I allow that much."

"I - I don't understand!"

"Sybill Trelawney has only ever made three predictions while in my employ that could be considered, well, genuine."

I looked at him dubiously and he smiled.

"Yes, yes, I see that that is three more than you would have expected her to have made! Nevertheless, it is true. Severus can vouch for the accuracy of the first two, but he does not know about the third."

"Because - because it concerns him?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"Because it concerns both of you," he corrected gently. "Professor Trelawney rarely descends from her tower to join us lesser mortals. Only when she feels she has something of value to impart does she grace us with her presence."

I glanced at him sceptically and took my glass of pumpkin juice and an éclair, more relaxed now, and settled back into my chair feeling rather like a child ready for a bedtime story but hoping that it would be something more substantial than a fairy tale.

"One day, almost exactly two years ago, she requested an audience with me. I invited her for tea, and she sat where you are sitting now."

"What did she want to tell you?"

"Oh, some nonsense about young Harry," he replied with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I can scarcely remember the details, but it involved a particularly gruesome death for the poor boy."

I sniggered, covering my mouth with my hand.

"I'm sorry, Headmaster,"

"Ah, not at all, not at all! An understandable reaction. No, the purpose of her visit was to impart said information to me, and of course I had to humour her and reassure her that I would take all necessary precautions...but as she was about to get up to leave, she actually had a genuine vision!"

"How do you know it was genuine?" I asked curiously.

"Firstly, she remembered nothing afterwards, getting up to leave as if nothing untoward had happened. And secondly - well, the second reason is sitting right in front of me!"

"Oh! I see! What happened?"

"Her eyes rolled and she slumped forward, then sat up straight and began to speak in a voice that was most assuredly not her own!"

I frowned and felt a prickly chill dance along my spine as he continued,

"She began to recite some lines of verse I had never heard before, about a serpent and a raven, One and One, healer and healed. Does that sound, ah, familiar to you at all?"

I nodded as he looked at me knowingly, and he continued,

"I recognised the voice in which she spoke, although I had not heard it for nearly seventy years"

"It was Gruber's voice, wasn't it?" I breathed, trying to digest this new information and assess its implications.

"Indeed it was," he nodded, examining me closely over the top of his spectacles.

"But how did I come to be - I mean - was I just in the right place at the right time?"

"Ah, not quite, no. She mentioned you most specifically."

"She knew my name?"

"She described you as the one whose name would show her purpose. I gave the matter a great deal of thought, and then when your name was mentioned in a journal I was reading a few weeks later, I decided to seek you out and offer you employment."

I gaped at him in stunned silence for some time, wondering whether or not I should feel angry at the way Severus and I had been so obviously manipulated, and eventually deciding that the end had more than justified the means. I said faintly,

"So, er, you brought us together, and it was a case of 'light the blue touchpaper and retire', was it?"

"Indeed it was," Dumbledore smiled.

"How did you know you were right? About me?"

"When I learned of your history, and therefore your connection with Severus, I knew there could be no other. I awaited your arrival with the greatest anticipation. And then when the two of you finally met...undeniably, there was a certain chemistry there, the like of which I have seen but rarely."

I blushed, remembering the power of our attraction, its magnetic force unaffected by the passage of time.

"And how did you know about the book? You told us you hadn't known about Gruber's secret library."

"No, I did not know about it, my dear. As for the book, I merely made an assumption. An educated guess, if you will, about Gruber and about you yourself. I am no seer, Ella, I simply read people."

"How do you know this will work?" I asked urgently, leaning forward in my chair, desperate to know the answer.

"I have ensured that all the pieces of the puzzle are here, Ella. All that remains to be done is to put them together, and the Fates alone can decide whether or not that will be." I sank back into my chair, disappointed. "I know you wanted some answers, Ella, and instead I fear I have given you more questions."

I smiled ruefully.

"About Fawkes..." I began.

"A feather and a tear? Yes, yes, I am aware of that part of the prophecy. Fawkes will be only too willing to oblige, won't you, old friend?"

Fawkes stretched himself up to his full height and squawked in sleepy assent before shuffling on his perch and closing his eyes once more.

"Ah, by the way, Ella, how did you plan to obtain a sample of unicorn´s blood?" he asked casually, sipping his pumpkin juice as if his question was as innocuous as ascertaining my opinion on the state of the rose walk.

"What? Unicorn´s blood?"

"For the poultice, yes."

"I - I - the Almanack doesn´t say anything about unicorn´s blood!" I replied, horrified. I knew how prized and powerful such a thing was, and although there were unicorns in the Forbidden Forest, they were very elusive and showed themselves rarely.

"I wondered as much," Dumbledore mused, stroking his beard thoughtfully. "Sybill - or should I say, Gruber - mentioned it most emphatically."

"What?"

"He died before his work was complete. He specifically said that a drop of...now, what were his words...ah yes, `Seek the purest of all at the last, a drop to purify when pain is passed.´ Then he said he had not been able to find any unicorns. Very sad, very sad."

"Do you mean, he died still trying to prove his theory would work?" I asked.

"It would seem so, yes. He was unable to test the veracity of his prophecy, and so his life´s work went unfinished. Until now."

"This just spirals ever more out of my control, Albus. I thought I was doing something for Severus - "

"As you are, my dear,"

" - Out of love for him, but no, this is more than that. This is - too much for me."

"Nonsense. You are merely fulfilling your destiny, Ella. Do you remember when you returned to Hogwarts after encountering Severus in Diagon Alley? I told you then, as I had told him, that some things are written in the moon and the stars, and we ignore them at our peril. The Fates will look kindly on your endeavours, Ella. Do not worry."

He stood, and I followed suit, running my hair back from my face worriedly.

"There is something I would like you to see, Ella." He walked slowly across to the brass telescope, peering through the sight before straightening and smiling gently. "Look."

I bent down until my right eye was level with the small brass circle. Looking through, I saw straight into the heart of the Forbidden Forest, my view unencumbered by trees or foliage, directly into a small clearing. It was deserted, and I stood up and looked at the Headmaster questioningly.

"Patience, Ella, patience! Look again!"

I lowered my gaze to the lens once more, and waited. After a short while, a unicorn entered the clearing, slowly and hesitantly, its hooves pawing the soft soil. It shook its beautiful, iridescent mane and met my gaze.

"Oh!"

"Do you see it?" asked the Headmaster mildly.

"It´s beautiful!" I breathed, in awe.

"Indeed it is. And tomorrow, you and I will go to the clearing and pay our respects. I will expect you immediately after breakfast, my dear, so please try not to oversleep!"

I gaped at his amused visage and nodded my assent, and he continued,

"Now, Ella, about your wedding..."