Snape In Love

Chapter 43

If You Go Away

Severus had to wait for certain plant extracts from Professor Sprout's greenhouses to be ready before we could attempt the modified Healing Potion, and since it appeared to be very similar to the one in the secret almanac, I was very keen to see whether it alone would have any effect on the Dark Mark. Our success, or failure, would have ramifications on what Hermione and I were to attempt. In the mean time, I had snatched only scant moments alone where I could safely peruse the volume without fear of interruption. Having pored over all those books with Severus in the preceding days, I had acquired an adeptness at translating Professor Gruber's arcane addenda, and felt confident now that my translation of the circumstances required for the removal of the Dark Mark was accurate.

The almanac's instructions were explicit and when translated appeared in verse form;

'Milk of the mother freely given will aid the One with curses riven.

Both shall be drunk in passion's thrall, only then shall Love's power cure all.

The bird shall share before it burns, a feather and a tear One earns

The poultice placed, the scream resound, the One will to the One stay bound

One´s and one´s their power be used, One will know, One's trust abused.'

I prayed that my interpretation of those words was correct, and resolved to discuss my findings with Hermione on her return. Then all I had to do was learn the Latin incantations, which had to be cast in sequence, and finally keep our secret until after the baby was born. I believed that the latter part would be the hardest.

At last Professor Sprout announced that the plant extracts were ready, giving them to Severus over breakfast one morning. His eyes glittered strangely as he took the vials from her, and he held them up to the light, examining them closely. Eventually he said in a hoarse voice,

"We'll start at once," before concealing them in an inner pocket of his robes. I placed my hand on his shoulder.

"Are you alright?"

He gave a small, tight-lipped smile.

"I'm eager to start, that's all."

He said no more, frowning into the middle distance as he held a mug of steaming coffee between his hands. My heart went out to him. I wanted to reach inside him and stroke his soul. I wanted to take his head in my hands and pull him to my breast, to tell him it's alright, it's alright, don't worry. I was so painfully aware of his anguish at the permanence of the stain on his arm, which he saw as a stain on his soul, and I swore to myself that I would heal him.

We returned to the dungeons and Severus set up two small cauldrons at the end of the classroom. Once they were bubbling away with a mixture of water and extract of arnica, we set about grinding the dried ingredients with mortars and pestles. Soon, we had two batches of the basic burns healing potion so commonly used in the wizarding world. Next, we each added those other ingredients so meticulously listed by Professor Gruber. Severus followed the literal translation´s instructions, while overseeing my work, which followed my instinctual interpretation of the arcane words. Soon, Severus´ potion was a clear green, while mine was a muddier version of the same hue.

I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he worked. He was so single-minded, so intent on what he was doing. I gazed at his hawk-like profile; his strong nose, with its diamond shape at the top that always made me compare him to a beautiful, haughty stallion, the full, sensual curve of his lips, grimly set now in concentration, his brow furrowed, his hair falling unheeded over his face and clinging damply to his cheek as he bent over the steaming cauldron. I felt almost jealous of that small, squat cauldron´s having the undivided attention of such a wonder, as he ran his hands above it, adding pinches of this, vials of that, muttering softly half under his breath, his wand emitting small guttering sparks as he spoke, never taking his eyes from its simmering depths. I had become used to such single-minded intensity being focussed on me, and me alone, and I felt its sudden absence as if I had suddenly been left out in the ice and snow of an arctic winter, naked and shivering, the bright, blinding blackness of his attention diverted from me. And then he looked over the cauldron, straight at me, his eyes burning into mine even through the blurring steam, and I was bathed in his brilliance once more.

"How´s yours doing?" he asked, his low voice carrying over the hissing and bubbling from our twin cauldrons and stealing into my head, sinuously wrapping itself around my irrational thoughts and squeezing until they vanished into nothing. Warmed through by his attention, I resisted the sudden urge to drop everything and obey my body´s call, and realised suddenly that I needed to add the ingredient still clutched in my hand. It fell, and the cauldron spat.

"It´s fine!" I croaked, swallowing hard. He smiled briefly and bent his head to his work once more. I shook myself and followed his example, smiling inwardly at the effect he still had on me.

He sauntered over to my cauldron a short while later, and peered into it suspiciously, his casual front belying the tension I knew had him coiled like an over-wound spring.

"I don´t like the look of yours!" he observed laconically. Humouring him, I shrugged,

"Doesn´t matter what it looks like. You´ll see, I´m right."

"Hmph."

He looked at me, raising an eyebrow. I smiled reassuringly, seeing the anxiety behind his casual demeanour.

"I´ve finished," I announced. "I have to wait two hours and twelve minutes, then strain it through linen."

"...While I have to wait two hours and twenty minutes, and strain mine through muslin!"

"Which means we have over two hours for lunch and...recreation!" I smiled, reaching up to stroke his cheek.

After lunch, we returned to the dungeons. Severus became very preoccupied, and the remainder of the two hours was spent anxiously checking the hourglass in his office. All I could do was wait with him. I knew it was fruitless to try to distract him, and inappropriate to use my feminine wiles on him in such a situation. I understood his suffering only too well and would not insult or belittle its importance. And I, too, became more and more anxious as the time dragged on, sitting silently by the fireside while Severus paced up and down the length of his office, raking his hair from his face impatiently at regular intervals. At length, I ventured,

"Let´s go back into the classroom, love. We can use the hourglass in there, then we can at least watch what´s happening."

He glanced at me, a haunted expression in his eyes that made me want to cry for him, and nodded, pacing out through the connecting door before I had even risen to my feet. I followed slowly to find him standing between the two cauldrons, looking into each in turn, muttering under his breath,

"It doesn´t look right, it can´t be right, it won´t work, neither of them will work..."

I put my hand on his shoulder and he turned to face me. Reaching up, I cupped his cheek in my hand and gazed at him searchingly.

"I understand, Severus. I know how much you want these to work. But if they don´t, we just try again, that´s all!"

He closed his eyes and drew me to him with a heavy sigh, and we held one another until the hourglass told us it was time.

The straining process was straightforward, and soon we had two glass bowls filled with liquid, one bright green and clear as it had been over two hours before, the other, mine, a muddy brown now. Folding two pieces of linen, Severus dipped one into his brew and applied it to the Dark Mark on his arm, pressing down hard with his right hand and gritting his teeth in pain.

"Argh!"

"Severus, are you alright?"

"Yes!" he gasped, before removing the poultice and looking down at his forearm. The Mark was unchanged.

"Now yours," he said grimly, taking the other piece of cloth.

"Let me," I offered, wanting to let him lean on me, psychologically if not physically. I placed it, saturated with my concoction, over the Dark Mark, and with bated breath held it firmly in place.

"Gnnh!" Severus cried, throwing his head back in pain. Alarmed, but nevertheless pierced by a sudden, quick excitement, I removed the linen and anxiously examined the scar, certain that surely it must have changed.

It had faded, only in parts, but I was sure that its newly blotchy appearance was due to more than just the heat of the poultice scalding his skin. I raised my eyes to his face. He was staring down at the Mark in disbelief, his brow knotted as he realised that my potion had had some small effect. I was exultant, my heart swelling with excitement, but then his face changed once more, and bitter frustration clouded his eyes. Casting my eyes downward once more to the ugly scar on his arm, I stared and stared. Disappointment began to wash over me as I realised that there was now no discernable change from before. Whatever effect the potion had had was transitory. Severus wrenched his arm from my grasp and paced across to the window, holding his arm inches from his face, which twisted in anguish as he realised that both potions had failed.

I walked up to him.

"Did the second one feel any different?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yes, it hurt more!" he snarled, turning his back on me abruptly as I touched him.

"We´ll try again, love!"

"What´s the point?" he said bitterly. "I´m stuck with it for the rest of my miserable life!"

"We´ll find a way, love! Something happened just then!"

"Hah!"

"We will! I promise!"

His shoulders slumped and he turned to me, his head bent. I took him in my arms and he rested his head on my shoulder as I stroked his hair, wishing I could reassure him that I had at least had a hint that the poultice I had made would work when combined with the rest of Gruber´s procedure. He took a deep, shuddering breath at last and straightened, and we walked slowly arm in arm back through the classroom to his office, locking the door behind us and continuing into our bedroom, where Severus sat on the edge of the bed with a sigh, rubbing his eyes.

"Are you alright?" I asked gently.

"I will be. I shouldn´t have had such unreasonable expectations at such an early stage. What was that?"

A loud crash followed by the tinkling sound of shattering glass had come from the other side of the wall.

"Let's go and see what they've done," I said grimly as we hastened to our new quarters to find the house elves.

By the time we had picked our way through the shards of broken glass that made a crunchy carpet of the slate floor, only Dobby and Winky were left. They stood by the windows looking sheepish.

"Dobby is very sorry, Mistress Ella Redemte, but Dobby will be mending the chandelier! Dobby didn't know he should not sit on it to clean it!"

"It's okay, Dobby, we can fix it."

I began to perform the necessary charms, and only noticed a few moments later that Severus was standing at one of the windows with his back to the room. He seemed tense, and clutched his arms around him.

"What's up?" I asked, putting my hand on his shoulder. He flinched, and when he turned to me his face was ashen.

"Severus?" I said, concerned now. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, of course! I just - feel unwell. It's, er, the disappointment, I think!" he explained. I frowned, perplexed. "Er...can you manage this on your own? I, er, just need a quick word with Albus. I won't be long."

With a lingering kiss on my forehead, he strode across to the newly cleaned and polished fireplace, took a small tin of Floo powder from his pocket and said,

"Albus Dumbledore's office!" disappearing in a flash of green flame before I had the chance to insist he told me what it was that he was keeping from me. Annoyed now, I finished repairing the chandelier with a few more muttered charms.

The rooms were finished now. They were spotless and shining, filled with light and warmth. The floors were highly polished and the slate almost glowed, such were its rich and varied hues.

"Retail therapy, that's what I need," I thought to myself ironically. "I'll go and spend all his money on furniture, that'll teach him to keep secrets from me! When on earth is he coming back anyway?"

I instructed Dobby and a still-tearful Winky to set about making the doorway between our bedroom and the new living room, and I went to sit in Severus' office out of the way while they knocked down part of the wall, having impressed on them that the work had to be completed by nightfall. I sat in Severus' battered old armchair and stared into the flames, wondering how long he would be. I was soon answered, for as I watched the fire a spinning head appeared in the flames. It was Severus and he looked grim as he said,

"Ella, would you come to Albus' office, please?"

I sighed. I didn't want to trek all the way to the Headmaster's office. Eight months into my pregnancy it seemed like a major expedition. I would have to go by Floo. Reluctantly I took a handful of Floo powder from the jar on the mantelpiece and threw it in to the fire. As the flames turned green I gritted my teeth, shouted "Albus Dumbledore's office!" and stepped in.

Severus was there to catch me as I fell out at the other end, and even when I had regained my balance he did not let me go. He held me fast to him and I knew at once that something was badly wrong.

"What? What is it? Tell me!" I asked tremulously.

Severus released me slowly, looking at me with anguish and uncharacteristic fear. The cuff of his left sleeve was unfastened, and he didn´t take his eyes from mine as he rolled it up as far as his elbow. My hand flew to my mouth in horror as he did so. I didn´t even need to see it to know what was wrong, but when I did I gasped with shock all the same. The Dark Mark was now a deep, livid red.

"Oh, Severus, no!"

"I´m sorry, Ella!"

"When - when did it come back?"

"I felt it before - just as we went into our new room. A sudden, burning pain. It wasn´t anything to do with the poultices. I knew exactly what it was. Hah! I even knew the exact shade of red it would be!"

"But what does it mean?" I asked, taking a step towards him and hugging him tightly as he stroked my back and hair.

"We can´t be certain," said Dumbledore, "but we think it must mean that Malfoy and Fudge have found Voldemort and are helping him regain his strength. And that is not all, Ella. I have been informed that Narcissa and Draco Malfoy left Malfoy Manor two days ago, very suddenly. Draco appeared to be very upset. If they have joined Lucius, then Draco may very well have good reason to be worried...I have sent owls asking Remus and Sirius to return to Hogwarts immediately. I am afraid that there is no other way we can proceed."

"No!" I cried, pulling away from Severus as I turned on the Headmaster now that I had begun to comprehend his meaning. "No, you can't send Severus away! I need him here! And - and - the healing balms, we need to do more tests! He won´t be safe! Voldemort knows about him now, don´t put him in danger!" I turned back to look at Severus desperately. "You can´t do this any more!"

"Ella, come on. Let's go back. We'll talk about this. Come on."

Numbed, I let Severus lead me back to the fireplace and we returned to our room together. Alone again, the house elves thankfully having finished the job in record time, Severus and I sat down together and I buried my face in his neck, clinging to him as if my sanity depended on it.

"You can't go! Not now! Aren't there enough aurors? Why do you have to go?"

"There'll be aurors as well, but this thing on my arm - well, it might as well be a homing beacon, Ella, you know that. I can help find them. I have to, it's my duty."

"What about your duty to me? You asked me to be your wife!"

"And you will be! In fact, I want you to start planning the wedding while I'm away. It'll give you something else to - take your mind off things..."

"Oh, don't be so bloody patronising!" I shouted at him. "How on earth - how, exactly, am I supposed to not worry myself sick over this?"

"You're talking as if I might not come back!"

I looked at him, amazed.

"How can you do that? How can you just say that, put my greatest fear into words like that?"

"Because I will come back. I will, Ella. I'll be fine!"

"You might get yourself killed!" I cried.

"No I won't," he said firmly, taking my face in his hands as if to emphasise his words. "I have too much to live for now to let that happen. And we might not even find them."

I closed my eyes, causing my unshed tears to spill out now from beneath my lashes and roll down my cheeks. His thumbs, then his lips, brushed them away, and then he gave a heavy sigh and simply held me, his head bent down over mine so that we rested cheek on cheek.

"How long before you have to go?" I whispered eventually.

"Tonight will be our last night together for a while," he admitted.

"Oh!"

Being held by him felt so right. He was so strong, and he made me feel so safe. I didn´t want to remember what separation from him was like. I kissed his cheek tenderly, breathing in his familiar, comforting scent, and he looked down at me sadly.

"Let me make love to you, Ella?"

"Why do I get the feeling that that sentence should finish with 'for the last time'?" I said querulously.

"Don't, love. Please. Nothing will keep me away from you. And I'll be back for the birth of my baby, too, whenever it is."

We undressed one another slowly then, savouring every button undone, every inch of skin exposed, as if we needed to imprint it on our memories. When at last we stood before one another, our mutual desire as naked as our bodies, it seemed to me that time froze, and for an infinitely long moment there we were, looking on one another as if we had never truly seen them before.

"I know you better than I know myself," I whispered, hypnotised, falling into his fathomless eyes.

"Then you must know that I'll come back to be your husband," he replied simply, taking my hand and leading me to our bed.

I lay on my side and Severus lay behind me, letting his hands dance across my breasts and my stomach, kissing my shoulders and then slowly moving down to cover my back in feather light kisses, his questing tongue and long locks of silky hair accentuating the delicately sweet sensations. When he reached the small of my back I shivered and whimpered softly, a tingling spreading outwards and making me wriggle, but I couldn't move because his arm was firmly around my waist now, his fingers splayed out across my stomach the better to embrace his child.

He kissed his way around to my stomach, climbing over me and turning me so that I lay on my back. I could feel his erection as it brushed across my thighs, and I stretched down my arm, trying to reach his soft, velvety smoothness. He moaned as I captured him gently and ran my nails delicately along his shaft, and kissed his way back up to my breasts, engulfing first one nipple and then the other with his loving mouth, sucking them and brushing his tongue over the tips firmly, one at a time, making hard, aching peaks of them until I tangled my fingers in his hair, pressing down his head to urge him on.

Meanwhile his hand had made its way down to the thatch of hair below my swollen belly, exploring my valleys and folds so tenderly I arched into his touch and begged for more. At last his middle finger elicited a moan of pleasure from each of us as it drew out still more of my wetness.

"Severus...no-one´s like you, Severus...aaah..."

Moving his hand slowly back and forth he lifted his head to watch me, and I pulled it up towards me so that I could kiss him, sucking hungrily on his lower lip. He growled hungrily, and kissed me with a fierce, claiming possessiveness that bruised my lips and left me gasping and bereft as he finally pulled away, the burning passion in his beautiful black eyes silencing any complaint I might have made.

He knelt on the bed then, and positioned me so that I lay down in front of him, my hips raised off the bed so that they could rest over his thighs. His excitement was obvious, and I was panting with desire for him.

"Now! Now!" I moaned, and I manoeuvred myself further down the bed so that I could hold every last inch of him. We had been made for one another, and I had always known it. He felt wonderful, a perfect fit, and I groaned in ecstasy as he began to rock his hips slowly, sensually, his eyes half closed, a smile playing around his sensual lips. His pubic bone was perfectly positioned to stimulate me, so his hands were both free to knead my breasts and gently pinch my aching nipples. I was ready to climax on several occasions, but he was in control and he knew exactly how to play me by now, so he would slow down or even stop each time he sensed my climax getting too close. I was whimpering with frustration before long, and his eyes were burning into mine, searing my soul, and daring me to object.

"I never knew, Ella...I never knew it... could feel this way... the way... it always feels...with you... like... home...aaah!"

His own breathing quickened then, and I realised that he would not be able to hold out for much longer. I tightened my muscles around him, making him moan with passion and cry out my name, and then I was coming, up and up, past that sweet inexorability, and he didn't stop, he just kept on and on, and the heat of our love was all around us as my world exploded and I bucked and writhed under him, my fingers digging into his knees. I had long since forgotten where he ended and I started. He held my hips as he climaxed, shouting out in abandon, professing his love for me over and over.

I wept then, shuddering with the emotion of my release, and he lay down beside me, pulling me into his arms and whispering my name again and again into my hair, his body shaking spasmodically as he lay pressed to me, so close, always so close.

We didn't talk at all that night about our enforced separation the following day. Our lovemaking was interspersed with short periods of sleep, rather than the other way round. We wanted to make the most of our remaining time together and in spite of my advanced condition I desired him as much as I ever had. But more than that, I loved him completely, and he loved me, and being together that night, our bodies, hearts and minds concentrating completely on each other without distraction, was all that we wanted. Entwined throughout the night, it seemed to me as if we were each trying to commit the smallest aspect of the other's face to memory; each line, each wrinkle, each blemish, every beloved detail, using fingertips, eyes and lips.

Morning raced to greet us. As dawn broke and the room lightened, Severus extinguished the candles that had bathed us in their warm glow through the night, in order to try to keep some darkness for a little while longer. But the dawn was not fooled, and it stole in relentlessly until we could no longer pretend we still had time.

Severus held me tightly and pressed his lips against my forehead, before releasing me and turning away from me to get up. He sat for a moment on the edge of the bed, his head bowed.

"Severus..." I began, my voice trembling as I reached over to him.

"Don't!" he whispered, his voice cracking, and he stood reluctantly to go to the bathroom. I watched his halting step through a blur of unshed tears and as soon as I heard the shower start I let myself sob, trying to muffle the sound in his pillow.

By the time he emerged from the bathroom, my beloved Adonis with a green towel wrapped around his waist while he used a second to rub his wet hair, I was dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed. He stopped when he saw me, and twisted the smaller towel between his hands as he stared at me.

"You look tired," he said softly.

"I can catch up," I replied, trying for his sake to hold on to some composure.

He looked away then, walking slowly across to the wardrobe and selecting his clothes; black jeans, a black shirt, black jacket.

"Muggle clothes?" I asked.

"We don't know which world we'll need to be in," he replied dismissively. "Muggle or wizard, we should blend in."

He sounded stiff now, and I knew he was hardening his heart to me, to ease the pain of our parting. I wanted to tell him that it would not work, that I had always been able to see behind his mask and never more so than now, but I sensed that he was distancing himself as much for his sake as for mine, so I decided to play along.

He dressed quickly, with his back to me, and I watched him with an ache in my soul, holding back my urge to run to him, fasten myself to him. When he turned back to me his eyes were haunted and I got to my feet and simply held out my hand to him.

"We'd better go and meet the others," I said steadily.

"I need to give you these first," he remembered, crossing over to his dresser. "Here's the key to my vault at Gringotts, and a letter for the cashier. In case you decide to go shopping."

"To take my mind off you? Won't work!" I said, too brightly, knowing that his true motivation for entrusting me with his vault key was far less frivolous than a shopping expedition.

Taking my hand, he squeezed it briefly and took a last look around him. I noticed it, and my heart lurched. However much he tried to reassure me, he must also have been worried he may not return.

I think we both realised that we had said our real goodbyes in our bed during the night, but the actual moment of our parting was still supremely painful for me, and for Severus too, though he was trying to keep his face free of any expression.

We met the Headmaster outside the main doors, on the front lawn, where he was waiting with Sirius, who was dressed all in leather, and Harry. Remus, in grey chinos and fleece jacket, stood a little way off with Hermione, wrapped together, still as statues save for Remus' hand on Hermione's hair.

"Well, this is it," said Severus to me, unnecessarily.

I flung my arms around his neck and he hugged me fiercely.

"Come back to me!" I whispered.

"Don't worry. I'll be back soon. Plan our wedding, for as soon as you like. The sooner the better. Promise me?"

"I promise. Oh Severus, we've already lost each other too many times!"

"Which is why we won't be doing it again!"

"I don't want you to get yourself killed!"

"Oh Ella, love, I won't!" he replied earnestly. "I've got too much to live for! And I´ll be with you when the baby comes, I swear!"

"You´d better be!"

"I want to look at our child, and see you in its face."

The intensity of his gaze as he said this was too much for me to bear and I closed my eyes and kissed him fervently. We clung together with such ferocity that it seemed we could make the rest of the world disappear if only we could hold on tight enough. We couldn't, of course, and I heard Sirius murmur to Severus,

"Come on, mate. It's almost time."

Reluctantly, and with some difficulty, Severus disentangled himself from me and, fingering the emerald at my breast, said to me,

"Watch over me. You wear both emeralds now, and I'll know you're there."

Then, trying to smile comfortingly, he turned abruptly and strode after Sirius and Remus, who had just relinquished Hermione's hand. The three of them walked side by side, Remus, Sirius and Severus, and when they had reached the required distance from us, they stopped and picked up an empty flowerpot from the lawn. They each put one hand on the Portkey, and Severus turned his head to look at me as it activated and took him away.