Snape In Love

Won't you come and see me

Let's take a chance and run with just what we can carry

Won't you come and save me, I am of the earth

But you are like a church with one hand in the sky

And a face that answers why

Won't you please just hear me?

Everywhere I hear you- everywhere you call

Every day I feel the need to fall into you

I need to be behind your castle walls.

I see it all so clearly, the window's open now

Let's take what Fate's allowed, time may never come

Let's take a chance and run with just what we can carry.

(Neal Morse- "Snow"- Spock's Beard)

***********************************************************

I awoke at daybreak the next morning, and resolved to use the Pensieve straight away. I leaned over it, looking into the grey, swirling waters until I felt myself sinking, then falling headfirst into them...

...I was in Diagon Alley again, watching myself and Severus sitting at a table outside Florian Fortescue's. "This was only yesterday!" I thought with surprise, and I watched myself say,

"I thought you didn't care for my...tastes, Professor Snape". I found myself wondering why I looked different, but too late, grey mist enfolded me and I was taken to another memory.

...Lucius Malfoy's face was inches from Snape's as they stood facing one another outside the Leaky Cauldron.

"If I didn't know better, Severus, I'd say you were following me...but I see you're here for another reason, aren't you?"

"I don't know what you mean, Lucius" Snape replied, icy calm but unable to stop his eyes widening with alarm when Malfoy continued,

"The halfblood you were eating ice-cream with? How cosy you both looked!"

...Now we were both in the library and he was coming up behind me, ready with a barbed comment about the book he needed, and I felt his surprise as I stood up to him, the recognition that I would not be intimidated, the grudging admiration, and, not least, I felt the physical jolt that he felt as he looked on me for the first time....

...Moving through the mists once more, now I was looking at myself from Snape's point of view, across the Great Hall; I was chatting and laughing, stealing a glance across at the Potions master whom, I could tell as an observer in his memory, stole far more glances back at me than I had ever realised at the time, and who was confused by his feelings and angry at himself for wanting me. As I studied myself, I realised what was different about me. In his memory, I was beautiful, far more beautiful than in reality! And I was surrounded by a sort of aura, a glow, which made me stand out from those around me, who were dull and monochromatic in comparison. "Is this how he sees me?" I marvelled.

I turned to watch Severus, and tried to reach out and touch him, but his image dissolved, and I was hurtling through the mist into another memory.

...I was in the Three Broomsticks, laughing with Sirius and Remus, unaware of the waves of jealousy and unwanted desire engulfing the solitary figure at the bar but stealing yet more glances at him, glances that made his heart leap in spite of himself.

...Now we were in his office, working side by side, deep in discussion, and I could feel him eager to learn everything about me, and his growing respect for my opinion; now he was pacing up and down in his bedroom, watching over me as I lay in his bed in the throes of a fever; now he was staring at the back of my head in wonderment as I rested it on his knee and he stroked my hair.

Then came more memories, where I had not been present.

...Severus staring at my empty chair the morning I had overslept, biting his nails and glowering at Lupin and Black while they tried to make conversation. Severus striding along the corridors leading to the library, stopping in his tracks and turning back more than once, but ending up in that dark, dusty aisle all the same. And Severus, retreating to the dungeons after I kissed him, self-loathing in his heart alongside fear for me. And fear of me, too.

I was beginning to feel overwhelmed by all of the memories, and the realisation of the strength of his feelings for me. In the distance I heard a knocking, and I was rushing up, up and out of the Pensieve until I stood in my room once more, pale and shaking.

***********************************************

It was Lupin at my door, come to take me to see the Headmaster.

"Are you alright?" he asked solicitously.

"I think so," I replied. "Give me a minute."

"Ah, the Pensieve," he smiled. "Sirius and I bought him this, you know, soon after you came here. We told him to use it when we saw he was falling for you."

"Falling for me..." I repeated, still in a daze. "But I didn't think he had any friends?"

"Hah! Correction, he doesn't think he has any friends. Not really. He's always been a bit of a loner. He built a wall around himself years ago, won't let anyone in. It's a long story; things happened when we were at school and well, let's just say we've all grown up a bit since then. We've had to." His eyes took on a haunted expression for a moment, then he brightened and said, "You've really got to him, though. Ready to go?" and we set off to see Dumbledore.

The headmaster rose from behind his desk as we entered his office, and greeted me warmly.

"Ah, Ella! Glad to be back?" His blue eyes twinkled knowingly, and I understood the question behind his question.

"Yes, Professor. I'm very glad," I answered truthfully.

"We have had an owl from Professor Snape. He, too, is glad that you're back at Hogwarts."

"Is he alright?" I asked anxiously.

"I believe so, but the message was necessarily brief, and I do not know where he is, or when he will return," he replied, becoming grave. My heart sank, but I tried to console myself with the knowledge that he was alive, out there somewhere, maybe loving me. "He was most anxious that you use the Pensieve, Ella. Have you had the opportunity yet?"

"Just now," I admitted. "Headmaster, how is it that I can feel his emotions as well as see his memories?"

Dumbledore frowned. "Dark magic, Ella. Oh, don't worry," he said, seeing my alarm, "not all dark magic has ill effects, except on the user, maybe. But his motives in doing so were good, I think. Severus is well versed in the Dark Arts, and I believe he used his skill to- ah- enhance the performance of the Pensieve for your sake. You will have noticed, I suppose, that his memories of you are very- ah- intense?"

I nodded dumbly in reply.

"And so, you must then understand why he insisted you return here?"

"Yes" I whispered, in a daze of wonderment and despair. I had spent so long trying to forget him, only to discover now that I had been as much on his mind all along as he had been on mine! So many wasted months when we could have been together!

"Professor, why did he hide his feelings for me just to put them in a Pensieve? Why did he have to hurt me?"

"Only he can answer that, but I think he has difficulty in accepting you have feelings for him. However, you may yet find the answers in the Pensieve, my dear."

I couldn't return to my room straight away. The lure of the Pensieve was so strong, I would not be able to resist its pull, and I needed to take stock of all that I had seen and heard. I needed to think about why Severus had attracted me so in the first place, and, more to the point, what he had seen in me. We had both been on our own for so many years now, and I identified with the loneliness he so evidently felt. I wondered what he had sensed in me. A kindred spirit, I suspected. An equal. A soul mate?

I decided to go for a walk down to Hagrid's hut, to see if he had had any word from Madame Maxime. Hagrid made me very welcome, and his incessant questioning about how I had found Beauxbatons and Madame Maxime distracted me somewhat. Eventually, however, the tea in the pot had turned stone cold and I sat back in my seat and sighed.

"I have to go, Hagrid. There's something I need to do, and I feel ready to do it now. It- it concerns Professor Snape."

"Not many people like Professor Snape, yeh know," said Hagrid, gruffly.

"Hah, I can't imagine why!" I laughed ruefully, while mentally listing all the reasons why I did.

"Not many people take the time to get to know 'im. 'E don't let many, either, come to think of it."

"He's been pretty horrid to Harry Potter and his friends, hasn't he?" I said, knowing of Hagrid's fondness for that trio.

"An' you too, but 'e don't mean it, either way. Sometimes it's easier, safer, not to let people in."

"Self-preservation, do you mean?"

"That, an' not lettin' You Know Who know who yeh care about. Just in case."

Dumbledore had said that too, I pondered as I trudged back across the lawns to my rooms. I felt slightly annoyed that everyone seemed to know about Snape's ulterior motives except for me. I also felt cross with him for treating Harry so badly without ever explaining why, and I wondered if Harry had gone through the same as me, in his own way.

I went into my room, took a deep breath, and let myself plunge back in to the Pensieve.

*****************************************************

...I watched myself lying in his bed, waxen and feverish. He stood at its foot, glowering at my shivering form. Madam Pomfrey bustled in, holding my blue satin negligee.

"This is all I could find in her room," she said dubiously, holding it up. He glanced at it, raised an eyebrow, and then resumed his vigil.

"Well leave the room, Severus!" she scolded. "I need to change her into it!"

"This is my room!" he snarled.

"Yes, and it's you that brought her here! Now be a gentleman and at least turn round!"

He scowled at her and strode to the other side of the room, his arms folded. Madam Pomfrey muttered something under her breath, which I couldn't catch, and set about undressing my insensible form. I watched Severus, and to my amusement he realised that he could look in the mirror over the dresser and see the reflection of his bed. He looked away for a moment, until curiosity got the better of him and his eyes widened as he watched Madam Pomfrey slip me out of my clothes and into my shift. When she had finished he turned around and, adjusting his robes, told Madam Pomfrey to leave.

"I will be here, in case she needs another dose of the antivenin," he said, clearing his throat. With a "Hmph!" Madam Pomfrey left.

Snape resumed his position at the foot of the bed, frowning, for several minutes. Then, abruptly, he flung off his robes and began to unbutton his clothing. Surely, I thought, he would not have taken advantage of me while I was incapacitated? And if he had, surely I would have remembered his taking me, however feverish I was? But he strode in to the bathroom and shut the door.

...Suddenly I was in the bathroom with him, and I was watching him remove his clothes. I stood perfectly still, not daring to move, imagining that the grey mists would come at any moment and move me on. But they did not come, and I watched as he revealed his long, lean body to my eager gaze. I noticed the dark mark on his bare arm, ugly and black, and shivered. It was the only blemish on an otherwise completely desirable sight. His legs were long, and his waist and back had that slightly thickened solidity that only becomes apparent with the onset of middle age. His buttocks were taut and firm, clenching as he stepped in to the shower. I heard him mutter,

"Aqua frigus vigoratus!" and he cried out "Ah!" tensing as powerful jets of cold water soaked him. He turned round, eyes closed, and lifted his arms to run his hands through his hair.

I gasped as I devoured the sight of his broad chest, with a light sprinkling of dark hair, and as I followed the line of his hair downward, the reason for his cold shower was evident. He was in a highly aroused state and I could not take my eyes off him. The water ran in rivulets down his arms and chest, into the dark thatch surrounding his proud manhood, then down his long, long legs. I took a step forward, wanting to examine every inch of his beautiful body, and he obliged by turning round and round under the pulsing jets of water as he soaped himself. Eventually, his arousal receded, and he said, "Aqua cessate!".

Stepping out of the shower, he began to towel himself dry with a large green bath sheet, rubbing his long dark hair vigorously. I wished I could reach out and touch him, draw him into my embrace, but I knew that what I was seeing had no substance for me, as I wasn't really there.

I wondered whether or not he had put this memory in to the Pensieve deliberately, in order to show me my effect on him, or even simply to...please me. I smiled to myself. He truly was delicious, and if the memory had been put there for that purpose, then surely it showed a more human side to his nature?

He wrapped the towel around his waist, and then went back into the bedroom where I still lay, unconscious. He dressed quickly, allowing me one last glimpse of his glorious physique, then sat in the armchair and looked across at me thoughtfully. The mists returned, and I moved on...

...I was in the Headmaster's office now. Severus was standing at the window, hands on hips, tense and simmering with rage. His agitation was palpable and I felt my heart beating faster with his. Dumbledore was saying, "You are wrong, Severus, and I cannot allow it! Ella is a bright girl, she will take a good deal of convincing! And why would you want to upset her like that? She may never understand your reasons."

"But I cannot keep her safe! Voldemort will use her against me, everything we have all worked for will be put at risk! If he knew of my feelings for her, her life would be in danger, I will not put her at risk!" he pleaded. "It's far better that she should hate me. I couldn't bear to lose her at his hand. I need to protect her. I must not love her too much, he will sense it in me. I failed with Lily. I couldn't protect her and James. I will not make the same mistake again!"

"Their deaths were not your fault, Severus! You did all you could!"

"And it wasn't enough! Albus, I've lived with this for the last sixteen years! I look at Harry every day and I'm reminded of my first love, and the one I lost her to! Now, I don't expect the Fates to give me a second chance, but I swear, I will not let them repeat their treachery!"

Dumledore sat down at his desk with a heavy sigh.

"You've always been far too hard on yourself, Severus. Oh, very well. Do as you will. For my part, I'll keep your secret from her, until you choose to tell her yourself."

Snape sagged, turning back to the window and leaning against the stone lintel. He rubbed his brow with his hand as he said, "Thank you, Albus. I'll make the necessary preparations."

The mist swirled around me again and I fought against it, wanting to be released to take stock of what I had seen. But too late, I was standing in the middle of another memory, and I knew that I had to follow these sad events to their conclusion.