Hermione's Diary

Author's note

Sorry for the horrendously long delay in updating this! I hope you enjoy it. I have almost finished writing 'Chasing Darkness Away' now, so I hope to devote more time to this very soon.

Chapter 7

Summer Holidays After Seventh Year Part 1

Wednesday June 22

Term ends in two days. I've been here for seven years and this place feels more like home to me than home does. And I'm so glad I won't be leaving for good on Friday!

That book Ella gave me is really intriguing. Ella was right to think it could be important. I'm having a little trouble with some of the translations, but I'm not doing too badly with it. The trouble is, it doesn't make much sense. Maybe I'm just too literal. Maybe it needs a more flamboyant interpretation, I don't know. Anyway, Ella will be pleased.

I wonder if it could really work. Ella says Snape really wishes he'd never taken the Dark Mark, so it stands to reason he'd like to get rid of it.

Friday June24

I won the House Cup!

Well, Gryffindor did, I mean, but I am Head Girl! And I have the cup right here in front of me, on my desk. It has to go back into the Trophy Cabinet tomorrow but tonight it's all mine! It's lovely, it's really old and very heavy. As soon as Professor Dumbledore announced it, the engraving from last year disappeared and the new year and House magically appeared, The inscription looks just like Professor Dumbledore's handwriting, all curlicued and flourished. I am so proud I could burst! To win the house Cup as Head Girl! I'll get a whole entry in the next edition of 'Hogwarts; A History' now, in my own right and not just as a sidekick to Harry and Ron.

Our last day was weird, really. We seventh years all spent most of it outside, relaxing on the lawns down by the lake. Remus and Sirius were busy, but I didn't mind. The rest of my life is ahead of me, and soon I'll be able to spend all the time in the world with Remus. And I know I'll keep in touch with Harry and Ron, of course, and Ginny, but there are people I've spent seven years with who I may not see again for years, if ever. People like Susan Bones, and Justin Finch-Fletchley, although the Fates know he's no great loss. I suppose I'll see Parvati and Lavender, for as long as Parvati is going out with Ron. After that, who knows? We're hardly going to get together in wine bars and night clubs to discuss make-up tips or where to buy the trendiest dress robes.

It's all come to an end, and I feel so sad. Elated, and looking forward to the summer, and next year, but still sad.

Saturday June 25

Everybody's gone home for the summer. Ron and Ginny have gone to the Burrow, Harry and Sirius have gone camping, and I need to move all my stuff into my new rooms and then tomorrow I go home to Mum and Dad's. I do hope they like Remus. At least I have a few days to get them used to the idea, before they meet him. But all that isn't till tomorrow, and tonight I will be with Remus ALL NIGHT!!

Ella came in just before. She wanted to know about the pamphlet, so I showed her all my notes. I'm sure she can use the recipes and incantations to help Professor Snape. I wish I wasn't going home because then I could help, but she says we can make a start as soon as I get back. I don't want to miss anything. She was so excited after she'd read my notes.

Oh, and Professor Dumbledore knew about the pamphlet! She told me he'd had a word with her in the corridor and told her she was going to live up to her name and she had the power to heal Snape! She was quite disconcerted, but I think it means she's made a really important discovery in that pamphlet. I hope we can figure it all out.

Sunday June 26

Last night was wonderful. I moved all my stuff then went to see Remus. He was tidying up his office, but when I knocked on his door he turned to me and swept me off my feet in a bear hug! He is SO strong, I'll never get used to it! And when he kissed me, my feet still hadn't touched the floor and he was crushing me against him. I had to squeak that I couldn't breathe! He put me down, all apologetic, but then he kissed me again and that took my breath away too!

I kept half expecting Professor Dumbledore to walk in, to officially declare term was ended and we'd be allowed to be together from now on, but he didn't - thank goodness, how embarrassing would that have been - and so Remus locked and warded all the doors and did a Silencing charm, and...

Well, it was worth the wait. More than worth it.

Mmm.

We certainly made up for lost time, all day and all night too. He's not just strong, he has amazing stamina too...

Tuesday June 28

I've been home two days now, and I miss Remus and Hogwarts already.

Mum took me shopping today. We haven't done that in so long, it was really nice. We had lunch in a small coffee shop, surrounded by all our bags. I decided to tell her about Remus, it seemed like a good opportunity because we'd been nattering all morning and we were both very happy and relaxed. I was so nervous, all of a sudden, because I really didn't know how she'd take it.

She was okay. I'd like to be able to say she was enthusiastic and eager to meet him, but she wasn't. I could tell, as soon as I told her he was a teacher and a lot older than me. She didn't let me tell her anything about what a wonderful person he is until she was quite convinced that he hadn't taken advantage of his position. I did manage to convince her, eventually. Then I told her he had been one of those who had helped rescue me and Ella from the plateau, and she softened a little then. I finally got to tell her what a warm, gentle person he is, caring and loving and responsible and intelligent...(Oh, I miss him!) and then I told her about staying on at Hogwarts.

I knew she wouldn't like it. I mean, she's delighted in one sense, that I'm being fought over as apprentice to two of the school's Heads of Houses and grudgingly admired by a third is no mean feat, and Mum understands that, after seven years! But she thinks I'm only doing it to stay close to Remus. She thinks I might be letting him hold me back. She doesn't understand, it isn't like that! She says she's looking forward to meeting him. I know she'll like him. And we'll tell Dad all about it tonight. He'll be okay.

And then I'll have to think about how I'm going to tell them Remus is a werewolf.

Wednesday June 29

I didn't tell them about Remus being a werewolf. I've decided it will be far better for them to get to know him first, because then it won't seem so bad. He'll be a real person to them then, not just a teacher twice my age.

I know I'm doing the right thing.

Saturday July 2

It's midnight. Remus is in the guest room, and there's only a wall between us. Mum made me promise to keep my distance while we were under their roof. She's very traditional.

I am trying to see their point of view. It's their house, and they hardly know him. And I'm still their little girl.

But I'm not! I'm eighteen years old and I've slept with him before! And on Monday night I'll be shagging him senseless back at Hogwarts! It all seems so stupid and pointless, but I'll do as they ask. I did it for the Headmaster (well, we only had a few lapses!) so the least I can do is respect the wishes of my own parents. Oh, but it's so hard, wanting him so much!

We're going to tell them tomorrow that Remus is a werewolf. I'm dreading it.

They like him up to now, anyway. He apparated here after lunch and he'd tried really hard to look smart. He was wearing Muggle clothes, grey chinos and a grey fleece. I met him in the back garden and he kissed me so sweetly once I'd reassured him we weren't being watched. We went inside and I introduced him, and Mum and Dad were great. Mum whispered to me in the kitchen that he wouldn't look anywhere near his age if it wasn't for the grey flecks in his hair (I had to bite my tongue to stop myself saying it was the wolf in him). He does have quite a boyish face, especially when he smiles and when his hair flops over his eyes. I sat beside him on the sofa and it was all I could do not to keep hugging him! I ended up sitting on my hands. Pawing your lover while he makes polite conversation with your parents is NOT the best way to impress them. (Lavender, take note!)

Dad did interrogate him rather. I was surprised, I thought it would have been Mum. Maybe she had a word with him. He was asking all about his career, and his job security, even hinting that he'd like to know his financial circumstances! Honestly anyone would think we were wanting to get married!

Now there's a thought. What if he did want to marry me? What would I say? And more to the point, how many seconds would it take me to say it? Mrs Remus Lupin. Professor Hermione Lupin.

We ate dinner in the dining room. Mum used the best china and glared at Dad every time he was a little too heavy handed with it. Remus ate everything that Mum put in front of him, of course, and kept up an enthusiastic commentary about how tasty it all was. Mum was completely won over by the time he offered to do the washing up.

We didn't wash up, of course. Remus and I muttered a few cleansing charms and had a cuddle by the back door, making the most of being alone for a few minutes. Mum and Dad didn't let on, if they were any the wiser. We spent the evening in front of the TV. They were surprised that Remus was so familiar with it, even though he'd explained he'd spent a lot of time in the Muggle world. But he still asked lots of questions, so that pleased them. And we even held hands. It was nice.

Sunday July 3

We told Mum and Dad about Remus. Gods, and I thought they were interrogating him yesterday! I felt so sorry for him but he bore all the personal questions with very good humour. Everything he does just makes me love him all the more. He was absolutely brilliant with them.

We were all sitting in the back garden after lunch, finishing off some cold beers, and Mum and Dad were really relaxed. Remus cast a Silencing charm so the neighbours wouldn't overhear, and then he told them. Very delicately. Realisation dawned only gradually, I could see it on their faces, but they took it amazingly well. I suppose after everything I've had happen to me over the last seven years, this mustn't seem particularly remarkable. Plus the fact that the only werewolf films they've ever watched have been those old 1930s films with Lon Chaney in them. Far be it from me to tell them it's more like the American Werewolf in London one. I'm not stupid, and it's not as if they're ever going to have to watch him transform.

Like I said, once he'd had a thorough grilling, about how it had happened and what precautions he took, Dad toddled off to get some more beers from the fridge, asked Remus if he wanted to watch some Grand Prix on the telly, and that was that! They went inside, leaving me and Mum. Mum looked a little embarrassed, and eventually she asked me what would happen if we had children because she wanted to be a Grandma one day! Good grief! I told her it was far too soon to think like that, but that when the time came there were measures we could take to ensure the mutated gene was removed.

Oh yes, they were both very interested to hear about the Wolfsbane potion, and how Professor Snape is going to teach me how to make it. They asked whether he was still as disagreeable as ever, but I had to say that actually no, he isn't. Nowhere near. Although on reflection, maybe I'm just seeing him differently now.

I wonder how Ella is. I'll find out tomorrow, when we go home.

Tuesday July 5

It's so good to be back at Hogwarts! And in Remus' rooms, too! Mine aren't furnished yet, I want Ella to come shopping with me. I saw her yesterday, after we got back. We bumped into her and Snape in the cloisters. They were strolling along arm in arm looking all flushed and smiling. They make a lovely couple! Of course, as soon as Snape saw us, he turned the smile into a scowl, but it was too late, we'd seen it! Hah! And Ella looked quite glassy-eyed, I wonder what they'd been up to?? I don't need to wonder at all, it was obvious. We didn't stop to chat much, we were quite eager for a little privacy ourselves!

I wonder how they manage it, now Ella's so big? I mean, evidently they do, but as Remus and I were making love yesterday I thought, there's no way they could manage this position now. Remus was covering me with his body, almost squeezing the breath out of me, pressing his hips into mine. It's funny the way my mind can go off at a tangent sometimes, even when in the throes of passion. I must ask Ella whether she does that too. I could ask her about positions too...but I'd have to be very drunk!

So anyway, Remus and I had pounced on each other as soon as we were back in his rooms, and I just couldn't wait for him. I was so ready for him. I was desperate to feel him inside me. And the way his body felt when I pulled him on to me...all wiry and strong, and some of him is very hairy while other parts are so smooth and soft...the different textures of him rubbing all over me is so incredibly erotic. Just the feel of his skin against mine was almost enough for me, but then I felt him nudging against me and I almost screamed. I pulled up on his buttocks and he entered me, finally, after such a long wait! Once he was fully inside me I just clung to him, wrapped myself around him and held him there, even though I couldn't breathe. It felt wonderful, hot and hard and filling and stretching me. I nearly came when he shifted his hips against mine, and he held my face in his hands and kissed me so sweetly but I was shuddering and trembling and could hardly kiss him back, it was all too much, too intense. He stared into my eyes as he began to move, but I was coming and I couldn't stop calling out his name, and it went on and on and on for ages until he came too, and it was all so perfect.

Afterwards we just lay together while we got our breath back.

And today, we 'slept in'! I think we'll be doing a lot of that! Lots of early nights, too!

Sunday July 10

Remus has had to go away for a few days, to a symposium on the use of Wolfsbane in werewolf behaviour modification. Snape didn't go, even though he makes the potion, but Remus didn't want me to go with him instead. I don't know why, not for sure, but I think he's going to be a curiosity for all the scientists there. I don't think he wants me to see him stared at and prodded and poked like a lab rat. I wish he could see that it wouldn't change my opinion of him, I'm sure that's what he's scared of.

I've been reading a lot today, outside in the sunshine. It's been okay.

Monday July 11

I think I might go and see Ella later. I want to know when we can go to Clawfoot and Sprawls, the big furniture place Sirius told me about. It's owned by an albino and a cockatrice, apparently, but he says the cockatrice doesn't see the public very often. Just as well, really, they're usually pretty violent creatures.

Remus came home about half an hour ago. The Headmaster owled him, he said, and asked him to come back early because he needed to see him urgently. As soon as he'd said hello and dumped his things, he had to go to his office. That's why I'm writing this now.

I have been doing some more reading today, on Transfiguration mostly. I have full access to the Restricted section now, it feels weird to do it legally!

Tuesday July 12

I don't want to do this. I'm forcing myself to do this. Must keep busy, must keep up with things, don't let it slip, you'll regret it if you do. Do the right thing.

So what is the right thing? Is it right that the people we love have to risk dying for us? Again? Where is it going to end?

I don't want to write this! What's the point? I just want to cry.

Wednesday July 13

On Monday when Remus went to see Professor Dumbledore he told him that Draco Malfoy and his mother have left Malfoy Manor, and it all looks very suspicious. Snape's Dark Mark is almost black, and they think Voldemort's building up to something, with Malfoy's help. Fudge's too, I shouldn't wonder. So, the Order decided that Remus, Sirius and Snape should go off to track them down!

What the hell are Aurors for? Why did Remus have to go? I can understand Snape having to go because of the Dark Mark, although it's pretty rotten for poor Ella, but why Remus? I suppose because of his powers and his good qualities. And to keep Sirius and Snape from killing each other.

I fear for him, and I miss him. I fear for them all.

When Remus told me he had to go the next day, I cried my eyes out. I tried not to, because he looked so sad and so anxious for me, but that just made it worse. And the thought that Ella was feeling exactly like me, probably making love to Snape while I was making love to Remus, made me feel all the more frantic not to lose him. It felt like war.

Then early yesterday morning, they left. We stood holding one another for what seemed like ages on the front lawn. We didn't move. I couldn't. He was stroking my hair and whispering to me, comforting me. I hate good byes. I didn't want him to go, but because I knew he had to, and I couldn't stop any of it, I just wanted the moment of parting to be over. I was willing the time to go faster so that he'd be gone and I wouldn't have to say goodbye to him any more. It was too horrid. And now I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I feel like I should have savoured every single second he was holding me, memorised everything about him instead of wondering when it would be time. I hate myself now for feeling like that. How could I have done that?

He'd better come back to me.

So that was yesterday, and then this afternoon Harry left for the Burrow. Sirius is his only relative, the only one who cares about him, anyway, and he's feeling just as worried as we are. At least he'll have Ginny and Ron to cheer him up. And at least Ella and I have each other.

After we'd seen him off Ella and I sat outside and talked about the wedding. Professor Dumbledore told her yesterday in the kitchens that he wanted her to be married to Snape by the time term started, and she'd better start making plans. He was quite firm about it. She's asked me to be a bridesmaid, and I'd be really excited and happy if I didn't feel so miserable.

We sat on Godric's Seat and came up with a brilliant idea. The wedding ceremony is going to be held across the lake, there are some gentle foothills there and the view back to the school will be fantastic. She wants it to be at Hogwarts because Snape loves it here so much. Funny, it's hard to imagine him loving anything about Hogwarts, he always looks so miserable! But I am learning to see past all that, now, because of the way he is over Ella.

I made sure Professor Dumbledore will charm the squid on the day, though. We don't want any nasty surprises!

Saturday July 23

I found Ella asleep in the Silent Quadrangle today. She hasn't been sleeping properly, she says. She's been lying awake at night staring into the emerald Snape gave her, watching him sleep. I wish I had something like that to watch Remus in. But at least, through her, I know he's safe. For now. And if I did, I'd probably do exactly as Ella's doing, and then who would there be to go and rescue her from suntraps and put healing balm on her nose? She was so embarrassed, but I thought it was funny!

We talked about the translation. She got very excited about it. She said she'll tie Snape to the bed while she does the spells on him, and she said he'd think it was a game! Well, I didn't know where to put myself, I was so embarrassed! The thought of Professor Snape playing bondage games in bed is just too weird! And to think, only the other day I was wondering about discussing sex with her and comparing techniques! Stupid, Hermione! There is NO way I want to know. I just can't see it. Severus Snape, sex god? No way!

Sunday July 24

Ella met me in the staff room late this afternoon, about an hour after we'd arranged! She'd fallen asleep again. Honestly, it's no wonder she lies awake all night! I told her she needed to sort herself out before the baby comes. She isn't getting any younger.

We talked about the Almanack again until dinner, and tomorrow we're going shopping!

Monday July 25

What a wonderfully strange man Mr Sprawls is! He's part owner of the furniture store we visited today. He's an albino, and he must be around seven feet tall! He moves with all the grace of a gazelle combined with oddly elongated limbs that remind me of a spider! And he has such an eye for texture, and colour, and ambience. I could have talked to him for hours, he was fascinating. He told me all about the history of magical furniture and how wizard-created pieces were always more intrinsically reliable than enchanted Muggle items. Mr Weasley will be disappointed when I tell him.

It wasn't just a sales spiel, I rather hope that I'm too intelligent to fall for one of those, and since he knew who I was, and even greeted me by name and congratulated me on my reputation, I'm sure he wouldn't have bothered trying to dupe me. Although, thinking about it, he was so nice to me that I did end up spending rather more than I had planned...

Damn. Maybe I did succumb to his sales pitch after all. Oh well. What I bought is lovely, and my rooms are going to make such a cosy den for Remus and me. He'll love it, I know he will.

I wonder where he is now? He must be okay, Ella would have told me by now if he wasn't. But waiting for her to come rushing in with bad news is killing me. I feel like I'm on tenterhooks all the time.