Zugzwang

That I did always love,

I bring thee proof:

That till I loved

I did not love enough.

--Emily Dickinson

"What's she got against werewolves?" said Hermione angrily.

--Percy and Padfoot, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

*

Fifth Week.

Julian grunted in disgust.

"What's wrong?" Remus asked from across the room, putting down his book.

"Anthony's awful at chess," Julian said, ignoring his brother's objections. "How am I supposed to get good enough to win against Uncle Ron if he's so lousy?"

"Julian," chided Remus, "watch your tone. Anthony doesn't know how to play chess. Why don't you actually teach him first?"

Julian rolled his eyes and stood up. "I don't want to play any more. When are we going to see mum?" He started picking up the chess pieces, ignoring the one that was trying to bite his finger.

"Tomorrow. Ginny will come pick you two up," Remus answered. "Come on, Anthony, let's go prepare some dinner for your grouchy brother." Anthony accepted his hand and was led into the kitchen, leaving a grunting Julian behind.

It was the kitchen table that came as a surprise to Remus. Instead of the spotless ceramic that was usually there, many books were opened on pages of werewolves. They were mostly small books, the sort children read, but it still came as a shock to Remus and he tightened his grip on Anthony.

"Are these yours?" he asked.

Anthony looked at the pictures. "Hee, doggy," he giggled, as he called anything that even resembled a pet canine. "No, they're Julian's."

Remus cleared his throat. He and Hermione had never really explained to the boys about his lycanthropy curse. They planned to, of course, but not until Julian had turned eleven. Now that Julian had suddenly become interested in werewolves, or actually knew why his father went away once a month, caused a bit of a hitch in their plan.

Julian followed behind them, cradling the chess box in his arms, and looked at the mess he had made. Immediately his cheeks turned a particular tasty shade of red and he scrambled to clean everything up.

"Um," said Remus, wondering how he should confront this.

Julian looked at Anthony and then at his father. "Sorry," he muttered. "I shouldn't have left this."

"Julian, is there something you would like to ask me?" Remus said. "You know you always can." That was good, he mused, it left an opening. He planned on using those exact lines when Julian would hit puberty.

Unfortunately the doorbell chose that opportune moment to ring and Julian rushed off to answer it as if he had the dogs of hell on his feet. Julian was actually quite a sensible boy and while he knew that there was certainly something odd about his father, he wasn't about to bring it up in front of a scaredy-cat Anthony.

Julian was also quite sensible in that when he saw the famous Viktor Krum standing on his doorstep, he closed the door because, after all, it had to be a trick his mind was playing.

The doorbell rang again and Remus asked Julian if he was actually going to answer it.

Julian slowly opened the door. "Zdravay," Viktor Krum said, giving him a crooked smile. "Julian?"

The young boy was passing a rather nice imitation of a surprised fish. "You're--you're," he stammered, his mind telling him to hurry up to his room for something that would support a thousand autographs while his body was still wondering why it was tingling.

Then, of course, his father came to save him. "Mr. Krum," Remus said, just as surprised.

Viktor smiled. "Mr. Lupin, I hope I'm not intruding, but I thought I'd visit Hermione and see how she was feeling," he said. His English, Remus found, had quite improved since the wedding.

Anthony, who had trailed behind his father, gave the third surprised start of the day and exclaimed with as much happiness as he could muster, "It's Viktor Krum!"

Remus urged Viktor into the house, apologising for the mess and the fact that Hermione was not there at all. The boys, for the first time in their lives, understood the meaning of being helpful and hurried about, bringing some drinks and snacks for one of the Quidditch heroes on the long list of their impressionable minds.

"Nobody ever told us they knew you," Julian explained, squeezing into the seat next to Viktor with no shame at all. "Were you and Uncle Harry friends? He turned down all the Quidditch scouts, you know!"

"I was more friends with your mother, but I knew your Uncle Harry," Viktor said.

"With mum?" Anthony said. "Why didn't she tell us anything?"

"We were going to go see the Bulgarian match last year, but Uncle Ron came down with a cold and no one could take us," Julian continued.

"Oh, I would have been happy to accompany you," Viktor said.

Julian and Anthony both turned to look at their father, and Remus decided perhaps it was time to get to the point. After all, Julian's dabbling with werewolves had not been resolved yet.

"If you like, Viktor, I can give you the address of where Hermione is currently staying," Remus said. "I'm sure she'd like the surprise." He noticed the disappointed looks on Julian and Anthony's faces. "The boys were supposed to go this Friday, but perhaps you'd like to take them earlier with you? Harry is there, as well."

Viktor agreed with this quite happily. A bit too happily, perhaps, Remus's jealous brain thought, and they decided that Viktor would go take some ingredients to Snape while Remus prepared the boys' bags. The moment Viktor left Julian and Anthony began hopping around in excitement, asking how long their mother had been friends with the great Viktor Krum, why no one had ever told them before, and was it possible to stay a month in Bulgaria with new Uncle Viktor to see the matches.

Remus ignored them and wrote a long letter to Hermione, keeping some things hidden, but nonetheless explaining about Julian's sudden discovery and if she could please have a word with him. Anthony, on the other hand, had recently been the victim of a Boggart and wouldn't open anything on his own any more, not even the mustard. He signed the letter affectionately, and helped the boys pack what was really needed.

*

In theory, Remus had planned to go to the Ministry and look for a job in the Unemployment department. Failing that once they found out he was a Werewolf, he would go on to Rhyl and try Mr. Howells's brother for a job. In practice, however, he went straight up to Rhyl.

Mr. Howells's brother, who, for some reason, went by the name of Mr. Howl, was actually quite an endearing man, with a large belly and little hair on his head. He was in the book shop business as was his brother, but enjoyed selling illegal potion goods on the side as well.

"The pay is miserable and only spikes up if I sell... you know," said Mr. Howl, whispering the last bit even though there was no one in the shop. "Howell said your wife's ill, and I don't mind giving you some time off. Actually, I think we can make a deal. If you come in three times a week and on Saturday mornings then I'll pay you five galleons the week."

Remus shook his hand on it and immediately set off to work. Surprisingly, quite a lot of people worked in the shop, the sign called it The Dirty Paper, but everyone had nicknamed it Papes. Remus's job was fairly easy, perhaps because he happened to be the oldest one there. He merely had to keep a tally on the sales and make sure the young pink-haired witch did not try to steal the books on Sexual Arts. It was a job he enjoyed, in a certain way, especially when it came to looking at the books, definitely more interesting that Howell's had been, and made a note to bring Hermione when she was feeling better.

When he arrived home that day he was only slightly put off by the warnings that had come by mail reminding him that he still needed to pay for the electricity or their power would be cut off by Monday. Remus swore at the fact they did not live in a wizarding home, which only required a monthly fee to have everything running, and wondered why he didn't. It was Hermione who had wanted to live as a Muggle in hopes that it would keep Julian and Anthony from turning out to be bratty wizards, but they had turned out to be quite sensible boys. Besides, they could still attend their Muggle school until their eleventh birthday.

Remus realised what he was planning. He wanted to buy a wizard-proof house. He wanted to get rid of notices of failed payments and the hollow pit in his stomach about not being able to keep a job.

Remus sighed and poured himself a glass of whiskey, choosing a nice chair in front of the telly. He didn't turn it on, though, and instead reached over for his copy of War and Peace. It wasn't the time to sit around, he thought idly. It was the time to plan their future, because, by the looks of it, the future wasn't quite as bright as he had thought it would be. He got up again, leaving his whiskey behind, and sent an owl to Hestia Jones who was in the real estate business and would be able to find him something nice and cheap. He also owled Gringotts to make an exchange of galleons to pounds and have them directly pay his electricity bill, which left him a bit short for food. After this he managed to go back to his chair and fall asleep before he could turn the next page of his book.

*

Sixth Week.

Hermione was livid when she read Hestia's answer about a new house before Remus had found the chance to tell her. She wasn't livid because he wanted to move or because he was breaking off her plans to raise their boys in a different world, but mostly because he hadn't even told her before he had decided to send the owl.

Since she was already quite pale and her eyes and sunken in a depressing way, she resembled a very angry garden statue. Remus sighed and tried to make it up with some hot chocolate.

"We have a lovely house," she said.

"We--we can't afford it," he tried to explain, and then burbled on about his new job and the low pay and how hungry the boys were for being so small-sized.

Hermione bit her bottom lip, which, in itself, seemed to take a lot of energy, and eyed the leaflets Hestia had sent with little optimism. "We'd have to sell this one before we buy any of these," she pointed out. "But the monthly fee is quite reasonable." She gave him a tired smile.

"I especially like this one," Remus said, trying to make the move sound as if they both wanted it. "It has an enormous garden, albeit a bit untidy, I admit. And, er, it comes with a dog."

"A dog?" Hermione's eyes widened.

"The past owner left it. See, Hestia says it's quite friendly," Remus pointed at the scrawled little note in the margin.

"She also says it's an albino Dalmatian," Hermione said dryly. She coughed a bit for a while.

Remus looked over some charts and notes, secretly getting happier and happier with his decision. "Hestia says she can sell the house for us," he explained. "And if these prices are right, we'd have quite a bit left over for our own expenses."

Hermione peered at the charts thoughtfully. "Sounds logical," she said. She coughed again. "I suppose you'll want to move in quickly." This was said with a bit of resentful venom which Remus thought was best to ignore.

"I thought I'd have Hestia put the house on the market tomorrow, and hopefully we could move in before Julian's birthday," he continued, handing her a glass of water and wiping some drops off blood off his shirt.

"That gives you two weeks to sell this place or get the money for the other one." Hermione picked up the leaflet of the house with the big garden and the albino Dalmatian. "I'll ask Harry for the money."

"No," Remus said quickly. "I don't want to borrow it. We'll manage to sell the house."

Hermione looked doubtful of this, but allowed him to write back an owl to Hestia all the same. She didn't like the idea of moving, mostly because she knew why he was doing it. For one selfish moment she wished it was he who had been poisoned with the potion, and then immediately pinched herself for thinking such horrid things.

Remus seemed satisfied with his letter and kissed Hermione on the forehead. "You should get some rest," he said. "I'll make some dinner, pasta maybe, and we can all eat it and watch a film."

"I'm not tired," Hermione argued and got out of bed, pulling on a purple jumper and tying up her hair. "I'll go check on Julian and Anthony while you prepare the pasta."

Remus watched her hobble out of the room with a dejected sigh. Whatever ingredients Krum had brought the past week had not helped the potion Snape was preparing. Hermione was getting worse, her visits to St. Mungo's becoming more and more frequent. It had become so frequent that Healer Yeats had recommended a home nurse. One, of course, they could not afford and one that Hermione did not want. Remus, on the other hand, was desperately trying to balance his new wreck of a life.

There was a loud delighted laugh from Anthony in the hallway and some chiding from Hermione which brought Remus back to reality. He headed down to the kitchen and look for a pot to boil the water. Stuck to the refrigerator with a bright rainbow magnet was the childish drawing of a wolf with an arrow that said "Daddy" running in a field while two little stick figures played Quidditch.

Hermione was the one to have that talk with Julian about the books he had left open the other day. For some reason unknown to either parent, Julian had got his hands on an old copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them that had belonged to Remus when he was still in Hogwarts. Amongst many notes scribbled in the margins, James had written one alongside the entry for Werewolf that read, "Mr. Lupin lacks knowledge when it comes to werewolves. The Healer recommends a good dose of moonlight once a month." Julian had, quite surprisingly, put two and two together in the way his mother had many years ago, and pondered over basic books to see if his father had been hiding something this entire time.

The results were even more surprising. Both Remus and Hermione had a talk with their sons, finally admitting the truth of Remus's lycanthropy, something they had wanted to keep in the dark until the boys were ready for Hogwarts. Julian had found it incredibly exciting that his father could turn into a wolf once a month ("It would be even better if you could do it any time!") and Anthony had declared that now a dog wasn't needed. Hermione had quite smugly give Remus a look that said "I told you so." Now the kitchen was scattered with drawings of wolves, and Julian had, with the help of Ginny, added a hand to their magic clock that pointed Remus as "wolf" during the full moons.

Remus set the table and called the boys in for dinner, who came running into the kitchen, Hermione behind them. The film was forgotten since Julian could not stop chattering about the new book Remus had brought from work that held everything on werewolves.

"It's absolutely wicked," he said excitedly. "The Ministry has been trying to ban werewolves from using magic for absolutely ages."

"Oh, yes, quite wicked," Remus said dryly.

"And look!" continued Julian, shoving the book towards Anthony. "Mum's in there!"

Anthony, who was putting his mouth to better use, failed to look interested. "She's in all the books," he said, between chews.

Remus peered at saw where Hermione's name, as Hermione Lupin, had been given a brief passage explaining her works to stop various laws against werewolves from being passed. Alongside it there was a small piece on Harry's donation towards the research department for Wolfsbane potion.

"It says that many schools in Eastern Europe don't let werewolves go to school," Julian explained. "And that the Wolfsbane potion is slowly being produced world-wide. Does dad get the Wolfsbane potion?"

"I do," Remus answered. "Now put away the book and eat, Julian."

Julian grouchily closed his book and picked up his fork. "Have you ever killed anyone?" he asked after a while.

Hermione had to thump on Remus the back for a bit before he could sound coherent. "I have not," he said indignantly. "Why would you ask that?"

Anthony looked on with interest.

Hermione kept quiet and took a drink of wine, and then began to cough.

Remus rubbed her back as Julian shrugged and said, "I don't know. It says werewolves lose their human nature when they transform."

Hermione had begun coughing up blood again and was having a terrible time breathing. "Julian, please go ring the bell. I think we need a Mediwitch," Remus muttered. "It's all right, love, take a deep breath."

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset dad!" Julian cried before hurrying up to find the silver bell.

Anthony whimpered in his chair.

A quarter to eight Hermione was admitted to a room in St. Mungo's.