Replace My Life

To Bear, who gave me the idea in the first place.

-- Your sister

Prelude: Remorseful Brooding

It works both ways.

I can see through his eyes, and he can see through mine.

I found that out last year, when Sirius was taken.

Taken... no, I killed him. I am just as responsible for his death as Bellatrix is. I let myself be lured there. I didn't practice Occulmency; I didn't wait for an adult to help. I didn't use the mirror.

Why didn't I use the mirror?

It's what he gave it to me for: to contact him in case of an emergency. He'd probably been trying to use it all year, and because I stupidly vowed not to let my curiosity get the better of me, he's dead. If only I'd used it. I could have at least taken it out of my trunk! It was a gift! I was meant to use it! If only...

I turn to my right and gaze out of the dirty window of my bedroom at Number Four, Privet Drive. If only I had acted some other way, trusted some other person, said some other things. Does he know I love him? That I miss him? How I wish I could go back... how I wish I could undo my foolishness...

But I can't. I can't change the past. If I could, I wouldn't be at the Dursley's; I'd be with my parents.

My parents.

For the first time I can remember, it hurts to think of them.

I bet they're disgusted with me. I think to myself, turning from the murky view of the setting sun. I bet they're watching me right now, wondering what I was thinking when I led those five into the Ministry. They could have died. My recklessness could have killed them - would have killed them, if the Order hadn't shown up... To think that they sacrificed themselves just so I could charge off and endanger myself and five other people... so that I could get dad's best friend - my godfather -- killed. I bet they're rolling in their graves.

But that can't be completely my fault, right? I mean, I tried to stop them; I tried to keep them from going...

But I know in my heart that I didn't try hard enough. If I had really wanted to keep them safe, I would have aborted the mission when I saw how intent they were on following me.

Hermione was right -- I do have a saving people thing. I shouldn't have gone. But I didn't listen to reason, and now Sirius has paid the ultimate price.

Sirius...

I'm sorry. I'll be better, if not for me, then for you. I'll avenge your death, by smiting your other murderer. I'll learn Occulmency if it kills me.

I will learn, and when I do, Bellatrix won't stand a chance.

I will kill Voldemort, and his Death Eaters will pay. I'll end this for you. For mom. For dad. For me. For all of us. Voldemort and his army will fall.

I swear it.